Married to an Alcoholic :: Part 1
Written by Wendy · Print This Article
I painfully yet clearly remember the days when my husband was still drinking.
I was starting to become a true leader, my career (at that time, outside of the home) was skyrocketing, my relationship with my kids was getting more extraordinary every day, and people were looking to me for guidance and support.
In some ways, I felt like a fraud. Here I was, at the beginning seedling stages of launching my business in the self-help field, and I couldn’t seem to extract myself from my own unhealthy marriage. At the same time, there were a lot of things I had conquered in my life, and I knew I could legitimately help a lot of people – that is, I could help them to a point.
Around this time, I watched What the Bleep Do We Know. I was all about telling my husband that he was an alcoholic and needed help. But I cringed as I recognized my own addictions while watching this film – I was addicted to negative emotions: Anger. Rage. Resentment.
In fact, I contemplated writing an anonymous blog at the time about divorce and addictions – here’s an excerpt from one of my drafts:
The thing that rings most true with me tonight from the movie is the experience of emotional addiction, and how we get addicted to emotional states in the same way that a body can get addicted to cocaine, alcohol, or any other drug. Emotions are signals sent by the brain and our cells have receptors on them to receive the message – of anger, love, hate, passion, etc. I have been addicted to the anger, resentment, and rage I have felt towards my husband, as it is a way to meet my needs. It gives me certainty and familiarity, even if it’s painful. It gives me variety when our fights get out of control. It makes me feel important and significant because I can tell myself I am such a better person than he is. I feel love and connection with him, even through it all – and I’m working my tail off to connect more with myself.
I have all the incentive I could ever need to continue this way. When I am angry at him, he actually gets up off of his ass and does work around the house, and is sweet and loving. Why would I sit back and be happy with him? When I do he gets lazy, complacent, drinks again and takes total advantage of me. Only when I am angry does he become the man I want him to be (but even then, it’s not the man I know he is capable of being).
I feel so calm tonight seeing this all so much more clearly because he is out of town. I use my anger with him as a distraction for my own issues, primarily that although my life is great in so many ways, I am living up to about 20% of my full potential. I feel my unexpressed greatness weighing on me every hour of every day. My heart and intuition are driving me to greater action now, as I take steps to take control of my own addictions. I may not be an alcoholic, but I have not been able to control my emotions at home in any way, shape or form.
I was working with a great coach at the time. He knew everything that was going on – the failing relationship, the fact I was staying in a job for the money yet my heart was already starting up a new business, and the fact that we had only bought our house a few months prior, so I was feeling a little trapped.
Then he asked me the most PAINFUL question he could possibly ever ask.
“Wendy, how can you call yourself a leader, and expect to be able to coach people to raise their standards, when you aren’t willing to do it in your own life?”
It was a life changing moment. I WASN’T raising my standards. I WASN’T listening to my heart. I WASN’T living with integrity.
Within one week, I told my husband I was divorcing him and I quit my job. I knew I had to do it, but I’m not so sure I would recommend it as the best course of action… I could easily have slipped into forclosure, bankruptcy, and lost everything.
I risked it all because too much was at stake: My integrity and the safety of my children were on the line.
Wendy Piersall is a 15 year marketing veteran and passionate entrepreneur. She has been blogging professionally for over 4 1/2 years and her first book, Mom Blogging for Dummies, is being released summer 2011. She is far too right brained for her own good, but that also makes her pretty darn talented, too.
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[...] Read Part 1 [...]
[...] Staying stuck in negative emotions In an earlier post I discussed how I was unable to control some of my negative emotions – specifically, anger. I totally agree with Dr. Joseph Dispenza when he discusses the definition of an addiction in What the Bleep Do We Know? And addiction anything we do that we can’t control.I was addicted to anger, and even went through a bit of withdrawal when I made the decision to eradicate it from my mind. This is one of the things that NLP and Time Line Therapy are the best at – and had I had my certifications earlier, I would have been able to move myself out of anger much more easily and efficiently than I did back then! ~ [...]
[...] Ever since I wrote the Married to an Alcoholic series, I have watched in heartbreaking sadness at the keywords people have used to find this site: [...]
[...] May 1 ‘06 I leave my high-paying job as Business Development Director of Socrates.com in a complete leap of faith – my marraige is on the rocks and we just bought a 4 bedroom home on half an acre of land near Chicago. [...]
[...] Most of the people I know seek my relationship advice because my own marriage went from being truly awful to becoming absolutely amazing. I know that if a couple was truly dedicated to saving their marriage, that working with me would bring them back from the brink of divorce. [...]
[...] Writing about intensely personal subjects is intensely difficult I started WendyPiersall.com to share the personal stories that weren’t on topic for this blog. I wanted to share what I had been through with my now-recovered alcoholic husband, with my weight issues from many years ago, and to dive more deeply into the law of attraction, which I have studied now for over 10 years. [...]
I have been married for 31 years(I was 16, he was 18). He has been always drinked beer, but he got into vodka really heavy about 7 years ago. He lost a business he had with his sister and brother in-law. He drinks and sleeps most of the day. He is also a diabetic who does not take his shots anymore. I left about 2 weeks ago, which is my 2nd time to leave. I went back the last time because of my cats. The house smells like smoke(really bad). We have 3 kids(2 of who are married) my youngest goes to college about 8 hours from home. When she does come home she likes to stay in her room. But, last time she was home she told him how much the house smelled like smoke and that it was awful. He yelled at her and said to her, why do you even come home, go back to college. This upset me so much that I left. She will be home this weekend for Thanksgiving, staying with me at her grandparents. It is not fair that he gets to stay in the house. I want my house back. I know I have to get this divorce starting. I am so afraid. Is there anything you can say to help me?
Thanks, Valerie
[...] You see, my husband has a longer story than I can go into here. He’s battled some serious demons (and won) during the time we have been married, but one of the things that kind of went away with the demons was his interest in music. Maybe it was because he wasn’t hanging out in bars anymore, or maybe he was just getting older and he thought he had to let go of his dream to be a rock star. [...]
I am leaving my alcoholic husband in a few weeks and moving back to Mpls. My sister is providing me safe haven and is coming to Florida to drive back with me and my few possessions. The question I have is after I tell my job and have the 2-3 weeks of time between semesters…. is when do I tell my husband? The day I leave? a note? how do I leave when I know he will act crazy and this frightens me more because I do not know what he will do to me….
I have read a lot of the alcoholic comments. It is sad to say but I was a little relieved to see I was not the only one. I am scared and emotionally drained. are there sites that help coach through the process of helping yourself. The comment I found so true but yet I nver realized, “addicted to fighting” . I know I myself must get back to me for myself and my young children. They need a leader of the family and I need to step up.