When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?

Written by Wendy · Print This Article

Many of you have shared your personal stories of the pain of living with an alcoholic in your life in the comments below. I encourage you to share what you want, and read through what people have said as well.

I am not a counselor, and am not able to provide you with professional help with your situation. I do highly recommend the following resources that will hopefully offer you guidance and hope that you can get through this (yes, you can).

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
This book literally changed my life.

Hazelden Books and Resources
Hazelden provides trusted resources to help prevent, treat, and recover from alcoholism and other drug addiction as well as other related disorders.

Al-Anon / Alateen
Al-Anon has one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.

I leave this post here, originally written in 2007, because of the thousands of visitors who come to this site every month seeking help as the spouse of an alcoholic.I also hope that it serves as an inspiration to you that you are not alone, and that you really can live the life you want – I’m living proof.

Ever since I wrote the Married to an Alcoholic series, I have watched in heartbreaking sadness at the keywords people have used to find this site:

  • divorcing an alcoholic husband anger
  • when is it time to divorce an alcoholic
  • married to an alcoholic when should i leave
  • how to leave your alcoholic husband
  • how do i get my alcoholic husband out of our house
  • married to an alcoholic, why am I so angry

To each and every one of you, first of all, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are now. I did the Google searches too, seeking a way out of the pain and anguish of my everyday life.

But the truth of the matter is that you have found this site because you already know you can’t continue to live your life the way you are currently living it, with an alcoholic spouse at your side.

The answer is probably one you don’t want to hear, but it is the only one that will work for you:

ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE WHEN IT IS THE RIGHT TIME
TO LEAVE AN ALCOHOLIC SPOUSE.

Below are some questions you need to ask yourself. These are not easy questions. And don’t bother taking them on unless you are willing to give yourself honest answers. Set aside some time away from your home environment in order to give these questions your full attention, because you will likely get a bit emotional as you uncover your own truths:

  • What is the cost of my leaving this relationship?
    • How will this decision affect others?
    • What will I leave behind?
    • What will I have to let go of?
    • What will I have to face within myself once I am gone?
  • What is the cost of my staying in this relationship?
    • Who else is being hurt by staying in this alcoholic environment?
    • What will happen to my self-worth, my health, and my happiness if I continue on this path for another 5 years? Another 10 years? Another 20?
    • What am I teaching my children by staying in this relationship?
  • What are the benefits of staying in this relationship?
    • I’m still here for a reason – what am I getting out of staying here?
    • Will these benefits continue for the rest of our lives together, or will they change with time?
    • Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?
  • What are the benefits of leaving this relationship?
    • What will I be able to achieve if I end this relationship now?
    • How will I be living my life differently in 5 years if I end this relationship now? 10 years? 20?
    • Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?

Additionally, I would encourage you to take this decision seriously. I don’t know any person who has not ‘threatened to leave’ an alcoholic spouse as a leverage chip to try and get their spouse sober.

The problem is with the word “threaten”. If you say you will leave, yet don’t, you are reinforcing the fact that you think it is OK that they continue to drink.

So once you make your decision, you must also be willing to stick to it. And if you aren’t, then you aren’t in a position to make your ‘half decision’ a bargaining chip.

Remember also, if you decide to stay, then you must also take responsibility for that. You know at this point what staying means.

I can tell you this:

Making the decision to leave my husband was the ONLY THING that could have happened in his life for him to make the decision to get sober. I had to take a huge risk, knowing full well that I could have ended up single, or he could have been lying to me once again. So by sticking to my guns, in the end, I got what I wanted most of all. But I had to be willing to let that all go to raise my standards.

This may or may not be what happens with you. Your spouse may decide to continue to drink. You must be willing to face that reality if you are indeed going to decide to stick to your guns, too.
In the end, I did what I will tell you to do:

Follow your heart.

Only you know what is right for you – and your heart is where you will find that answer. I can say from personal experience that following your heart is not always easy, nor does it feel very good at times.

But in the end, it will always lead you in the right direction. Always. And it will feel good with time, and with continued listening. I can promise you this.

Comments

326 Responses to “When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?”

  1. WendyPiersall.com » Blog Archive » A Community for the Families of Alcoholics on January 31st, 2007 2:35 pm

    [...] Well, even though I write about several different topics around here, the amount of people finding this site because their spouse is an alcoholic is simply overwhelming. [...]

  2. Jackie Russell on April 22nd, 2007 2:12 pm

    Your information was the first I found addressing leaving the alcoholic husband. I have been contemplating this move for almost 2 years. I finally made the choice to leave and now he has me backed into a corner. He will not move out and legally I can not force him to move out. I make the house payment so I cant leave so I need to stay until it sells which he will not cooperate with. I am very frustrated!

  3. Lori on April 28th, 2007 9:56 pm

    I am in the same boat as jackie. I want him out so me and my kids can live happy stress free lives. He will not leave!! He hates me and my daugher who is 15 but loves the boys. He continually call both of us names etc. I had him arrested in Jan and he went to treatment but now he is back drinking! I said I would divorce him if he went back to drinking so I figure I need to follow thru! What do you all think???

  4. cindy on May 3rd, 2007 11:49 pm

    Jackie:
    Don’t know the details of your situation, but sounds much like mine. Just this week, I had enough after three days of drunken tormenting. For years I have been waiting for the “right time”, but the terror he caused me pushed me far enough to get an order of protection and have the sheriff remove him from the home. He was not physically abusing me, but, I tell you what, I felt it was coming. The look in his eyes at times is very, very threatening. Now I don’t know the details of your situation…if there is reason to grant a temporary order of protection, but in my case he was verbally abusive and threatening. The fact that he is an alcoholic with three DUIs probably helped. At any rate, he has been ordered from the home until our court date in two week, then, hopefully a permanent order will be granted to allow me to stay in my home with my son until the divorce settles who gets what. My husband is so far gone, I don’t think he’ll even fight for the home. Although he would say he wouldn’t leave our home because it was his too (a whole other story), I believe he really only wanted to stay because he wanted to maintain “ownership” of me and his son. Me in particular because I am his co-dependent. I know I have a long, hard road ahead because I can’t seem to rid myself of this feeling of pity for him. I feel like this divorce is going to cut his lifeline. My heart is telling me to take care of him and don’t let him fall, while my mind is telling me, “You have to do this or you’ll never be happy.” I am having a roller-coaster of emotions right now that I keep telling myself will get better. Remember, there are others out there in your shoes. You are NOT alone. Good luck to you.

  5. Lisa on May 7th, 2007 10:02 am

    I’m in a similar situation. After 10 years together, I am seriously considering separating. Like others, I have “threatened” over the years but I am finally at the end of my rope to where I feel it may actually happen this time. My dilema has always been that I love my husband and I know that he loves me. When he is not drinking or using (he also abuses prescription meds), he is great…a wonderful guy who adores me and the kids. Helps with housework, kids, cooks, etc. But about every two months at least, he has goes through this “acting out” as I call it, where he starts really taking too many pills and drinking heavily. For the period he goes through this, he makes my life hell and is a complete slob, and verbally abusive. My kids see this and that really upsets me. (I have to admit though that because of all the anger built up in me over the years, I’m sure I am somewhat verbally abusive back which I know is not right). Then, once it gets to the point where I have “had enough” and tell him that’s it, and he realizes he is about to lose me, then he starts to come out of it, sincerely apologizes, and tries to do it “my way”, unfortunatley, this only lasts about another couple of months usually. He just can’t seem to handle stress and anytime he is in a stressful/uncomfortable situation, he goes on these “binges”. He is a real people-pleaser and if he feels like he is letting someone down, he gets extremely depressed and starts this cycle again. My problem is that, while I am sick of this lifestyle (no money, no stability, etc), I love him and feel bad turning my back on him. I know alcoholism is a disease and he can’t help it but at the same time, others have overcome it and gotten clean and sober, why can’t he? Any advice anyone?

  6. Candace on May 7th, 2007 10:14 pm

    Cindy and Jackie, I feel for you both. I do not know why I am reading this cause….. I already left my husband. Almost one month ago.I think.It has been a rollar coaster ride. We did not have any children together THANK GOD!!! But I have 3 and he has 5. So, long story short… My kids watched and learned all the things a marriage is not supposed to be. We almost made it to our first anniversary. We were together three years. I lost myself. Crazy thing all the signs were there. I let myself get sucked into it anyway. I let him change me. He ended up calling the police dept. and threaten to “hurt himself” well we all know what they do then…anyway now he is sober- about one week today. I am NOT going back!!! Maybe I am reading this to cure my guilt. I am fortunate enough to have friends that allow me and my kids and my dog to stay with them. My kids are happy. Yes he pushed me a couple times, elbowed me in the shoulder once, always “jumped in my face” but never beat me up ya know… I listened and even believed at one time that I was lucky and should be happy cause he wasn’t cheating on me or beating the crap out of me. Man, that is dumb. Now he can’t find me. The peace and quiet is great although, I will have to tell him soon. Just enjoying the break. To all of you…..Remember who you are….Love is not about spending your life miserably..problems ok…but no-one should have to live in bondage of anyone or anything!!!!!

  7. Xavier on May 8th, 2007 11:38 pm

    I am in the same boat as all of you however mine is same relationship. It is hard and I blew another great relationship ot try and help him out. What’s worse I let him drive my truck for work sake and he drinks, not always but enought to scare the bugezzus out of me. I have decided to sell the house since I was lucky enough to put it in my name only. Now is trying to sell and see who gets the dogs! It is so hard I completely relate to all of you. Why doesn’t someone help us all out. I agree the stress in unbearable and I do feel isolated since I have no real close friends anymore. Thank you for listening xavier

  8. Catherine on May 14th, 2007 4:58 pm

    I left my husband almost a year ago now. He drinks heavily every day. I’m writing for advice….He came to my office during the lunch hour to give me some paperwork. I could tell he had been drinking, but didn’t realize how much until he flew off the handle and started yelling at me in the parking lot. I was in shock as this public display was unlike him in every way. Later that night he called to apologize. He was just getting back to his apartment and called me on his cell. He was slurring his words so badly, I could hardly understand him and HE WAS DRIVING!!! Should I or would you call the police next time I see him driving in this condition? He is going to kill himself or someone else. We just had a drunk driver kill 5 people (3 were babies) last weekend in Las Vegas, a 19 year old kid who was drinking and driving. What would you do?

  9. Wendy on May 14th, 2007 5:02 pm

    Catherine -

    There’s really no right answer that is the same for every person.

    Could you live with your decision if you called the cops on him next time and he was furious with you?

    Could you live with your decision if he landed in jail because of your call?

    Or, could you live with your decision if he killed someone next time and you could have stopped it?

    Follow your heart with the answers – you’ll always be led to the right thing to do at the right time. :)

  10. Christine on May 24th, 2007 3:35 pm

    Cindy,
    I don’t know how I ended up on this web-site but for some reason I did and I couldn’t help writing you a comment. You are so brave and I wish the best for you and your son. I am in such a similar situation even down to the 3 DUI’s! I myself am trying to figure a way out. Well, I commend you!

  11. Melissa on June 5th, 2007 11:13 pm

    Hello. Im not married, but the father of my baby is an alcoholic, he is on his third dwi. has not worked for his baby at all, he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I have nothing to lose, Sometimes I try not to have to buy his alcohol but I dont know how to quit it other then just leaving him. And then he will get his alcohol somewhere else. He isnt doing any of the programs. Demanded by the court and its sad to say Im waiting for them to pick him up. So I can go on. I had a Sherriff come out to my house to remove him, He ran into the woods. The cop left, I went to town and he was back in the house. I have 3 other children by another marriage, and they dont want him around either. Cause he drinks and the way he does me, Everytime I take him home, He calls me, or I go over there to see if hes ok. and its always that He needs another bottle. OR something else. I dont know what to do, He came back in my HOME! we are NOT married. DFS made us leave his house because of his drinking. NOW he comes over I have to take him home when things are out of control here, and then he finds his way back. So, Im doing everything short of getting an exparte’ I am just hoping and praying they pick him up on his wants and warrants from his DWI. And I know he sinces that. Any suggestions. The Police dont even do their job. So what Do I do, He is using me and sucking off of me, and then turns around and acts like its LOVE… and we have a baby, he said he wanted a second chance, now he is using the baby to sit over here and get his needs. IM WAITING on the LAW to happen. Where are they??? I felt like I was interigated when they came out. NOT HIM!!!

  12. Lily Michelle on June 6th, 2007 6:08 pm

    Dear friends (and we all would be if we had the chance) I am here to tell you that if you are strong enough to stay, you are strong enough to leave.
    Don’t waste another minute watching someone you love crash and burn. I stayed for 30 years, left four years ago, for 6 months, during which time my addict husband got sober for all of about 18 months. It was great while it lasted. But when he fell off the wagon he has spiraled down and its worse than before. I am leaving again, this time for good. Get help for yourselves. There are plenty of books and support groups that will help you practice the tools you need to deal with your future. You will be surprised to find out that YOU never needed to heal, you only needed to learn tools to DEAL with things. I promise, there is hope out there. I went on a 12 step program 6 years ago. Learned alot about addiction and how to handle my side of it. Started taking care of myself and became strong enough to leave that first time. I don’t regret coming back, I’m just very sad to see where he is now and I now know its not my job to rescue him anymore. I love him and God loves him and my heart can’t watch him crash and burn. And you already know the story – he will crash and burn eventually. I’m not going down with him this time. Seek help and when you all are ready, you’ll know it. Books are cheap. 12 step programs are life saving. Its not necessary for your addict to be in one for you to be. Help is available. Ask for it.
    ~ Peace and Blessings to all of us. Addicts and Partners, children and families, we all have the right to be happy. Take care.
    LM

  13. Tanya on June 19th, 2007 9:07 am

    Ok well i am not married to a drunk but my father is a drunk… I have 2 kids and living with my parents for the time being b/c me myself just got out a divorce. The past 8mths has been horrible. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is just with him b/c they have tooo many bills for her to do it on her own and for him to do it on his own. Though my mother has falling out of love with him and everytime he walks in the door she feels as though she is going to throw up. I have recently found out that i have a bleeding ulcer from all the stress that has been brought up in this house. My mom has threatened to leave him for 21 years now but never happened. Though he has no place to go and neither does she. We have lost all contacts with our friends b/c of his drinking and the way he treats us. He is abusive in everyway. Just a few weeks ago he popped me so hard on the mouth i had to go to job interviews with a bubbled up lip and they wouldn’t hire me b/c of it. He threatens me and my kids. He has put his hand up to my mom. Though she is very capable of protecting herself. I tell my mom that this is nothing i want to live in and i want to leave though she tells me that she needs me here to keep her from going insane. She believes that if i leave i am leaving her and not the situation. I don’t know what to do to help my mom from this situation. I just really want all of us out but she keeps bringing up the money situation.

  14. kl on June 26th, 2007 10:11 am

    Talk about confusing. I married my husband and something in the back of my mind said “i wasnt sure” but i did anyway. I’ve been married 10 yrs and have had lots of people “on my side” or they just like the excitement. His family both mother and father drink. when i met him he had 2 DUI now he did it, on his 3rd and threw out all the alcohol in the house as far as i can see and immediately goes to AA. I’m thinking time to get out now and i tell him to and he insists its his house. He doesnt drink everyday only when sports and social events and get out of control. but of course not anymore. we have lots of animals and for me to leave i make govt clerk salary which is always a fine line. as my life has always been and probably will always be a fine line. i am attractive and well educated too and nothing in my pocket. i wonder if my outcome will be the same—probably living on the edge.

    (Please excuse me, inside i’m being a little silly, if something may sound funny–im being serious)

  15. Willow on July 8th, 2007 1:13 pm

    I’ve fallen in love with a man I have been dating almost two years. We have been talking about getting married. But he has a drinking problem. Up till recently he has stayed within my boundaried (I think). He had 2 DUI’s over 7 years ago but I have found out he is still drinking and driving. I’ve told him the ONLY way I would stay with him was if he got help. I’ve giving him some time to make his decision. I’m doing my best to get through this. I know if is the only decision for my and my 16 year old son. All he needs is a drunk in the house for an example. I just want and need to hear I am doing the right thing although I already know it in my heart. Some incouraging words and prayers are welcome.

  16. Tammy on July 14th, 2007 9:48 pm

    Well, of course I am in the same boat as all of you. My husband is an alcoholic, and he will say that he is. He was sober seven years, and he has unsuccessfully “tried” to get sober since April of this year. We have three great kids’ that would be devastated if I were to make my husband get out. He is emotionally immature and will make childish comments belittling my going back to school. Although, this is probably just is own insecurity. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my kids’. I came from a broken home and it was tough. He says that I am abandoning him when I ask him to leave. He is not abusive just a very sad person…he tells me he is sorry for being an alcoholic. I feel terrible, but I don’t want to live like this. Thanks for listening.

  17. metoo on July 15th, 2007 9:44 pm

    Willow! DON’T DO IT! Step back and stay back.

  18. Kris on July 25th, 2007 12:11 am

    I have been married 13 years. We have a child with special needs. My husband is a drinker. Doesn’t drink at home, but comes home three sheets to the wind at least two to three times a week. He is emotionally and verbally abusive to both myself and our son. He has hit me twice in that 13 years and I did call the police. I wanted to force him into an alcohol abuse/anger management program. He did it as long as it was court-ordered and then resumed drinking. He has always threatened to “disappear” so I would get no support from him. He also says he will never leave the house. We are deeply, deeply in debt due to his spending habits and drinking. The worst thing is, I do still love him but I am at the end of my rope. I don’t know what I would do without his monetary support and especially insurance. I have recently had my own health problems in addition to the cost of our son’s needs. I see no way of setting aside any money to escape, short of not paying the bills. Of course, this would hurt me just as much as him, and make it that much harder to find a place to live (most places do a credit check). We also have pets and our son is a handful. I would probably have the cops at my door and be evicted because of noise when son throws tantrums (he’s 15, bipolar and autistic). On the other hand, even if I were able to have my husband removed, there’s no way I can afford to stay in this house. House couldn’t even be sold for what we owe at this point. Husband started remodeling 7 years ago and it is still half finished. I do work from home but my income is only around $1,200 a month. Husband makes $5,000 to $6,000 a month and we live check to check and often have to take money advances on CC or from home equity to keep the bills current. I just don’t know what to do and feel trapped. I know the stress is killing me and it only aggravates things with our son, but I don’t know how we could possibly survive without his income and benefits, since I have none. I felt blessed to find the job I have now because working outside the home I never lasted more than a few years because of issues with our son. Since husband is primary wage earner, I have always been the one to quit my job and stay home with him until we got him stabilized again. Most former employer referrals not good due to number of phone calls and having to leave work to retrieve son from school when they couldn’t deal with him. Sorry so long, just trying to paint an adequate picture. I not only have a drunk and abusive husband but the added stress of a child with special needs who is very challenging to deal with. Husband has never been involved with our son other than to yell, belittle and sometimes be physically abusive to him. He has never been there to help out. It’s my fault our son is the way he is. He doesn’t feel the need to do anything at home and demands to be waited on since he earns more money.

  19. francheska on August 1st, 2007 9:24 pm

    When ur husband refuses to leave the house, can u still file for a divorce? drinking is the problem, he already had his first DWI, and still drinks. How can I make him leave the house and file a divorce? I have told him to leave, but refuses…
    Please need some advise as of what to do. He keeps asking for opportunities, but never changes and I know he never will, everytime he promises he will stop he falls again.

  20. amber on August 2nd, 2007 7:31 am

    willow, ‘
    He will not change!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Please dont fool yourself. If you tie yourself to this man you will face years of soul shattering abuse, and your child will lose respect for you. Seriously look at this situation and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister if she were in the same position. Then take your own advise. This is your life and your child just is along for the ride with no other option. It is not fair for you to expose him to this type of relationship. You are to protect your children, please think of him. I am in a similiar situation. Married to a drunk. Divorced him, then was stupid enough to beleive he changed and went back to him. It started all over again and have lost the respect of my oldest child, 15 yr old girl, and son is seeing his father in light no child should have to. Am in the process of leaving. Been squirelling away $ so I can. Am a Full time nursing student, work full time, hard as hell, but my kids are worth it. Please dont put yourself in this situation!!

  21. Monica on August 5th, 2007 7:10 am

    Dear Willow,
    WOW! As I was reading you comment I noticed that you are not yet married to this man. IF there ALREADY a doubt in your mind DON’T ignore it… I hope that you are strong enough just to walk away I know that it is harder than it sounds but PLEASE don’t put you and your son through a situation like that…. it isn’t worth it… you end up loosing more in the end. I left my ex for that same reason… Alcohol leads to many issues in a marriage… and I know that you don’t want to be one of those people as me that it took something real bad to happen to you and your son to leave him. At first, my ex, wasn’t all that bad (at least I thought) but then it got abusive after 8 years!!!! It really ended up damaging my son. He is still afraid of the idea of EVER seeing him again… he was there to watch him hit me while drunk! Please think about it and do what is best for your son and yourself… The best to you and yours!

  22. AK on August 14th, 2007 4:51 pm

    Lori,
    I think you have made the right decision. I was in your exact same situation, but I was not married, thank goodness, but his anger with my children drove me so far away I couldn’t find my way back. It has been a very long and difficult road. I think leaving for the kids is better than any reason at all.

  23. Kathy on August 24th, 2007 12:56 pm

    I’m separated from my husband of 13 yrs. We both got sober about 12 yrs ago and things were good. I found out 4 months ago he’s been secretly drinking for 2 yrs. I’ve moved in and out so many times it’s a joke. I know in my heart he’s cheating on me. He promised 2 xs to quit drinking, but of course didn’t follow through. He came home drunk and told me he would not quit drinking and if I didn’t like it get out. I got out and find if I don’t have contact with him, I’m fine. I truly love him, but he truly loves alcohol. I have a good job and my children are married and doing well. I just need to be able to let go and take care of myself. I’m trying to do that now. Its so difficult knowing that he knows what he needs to do to get & stay sober, but is not willing or able to stop drinking. When I met him we were both drunks. He was unemployed, no car, lived with his parents (he was 32 yrs old). He got sober and started making 6 figure salary, drives a Mercedes, country clubs, the works. His income is falling, his car is a mess and the guys at the club are commenting on his drunken behavior…..he fell far already and I’m sure will crash and burn. I love him, but its time to take care of myself and realize there is nothing I can do for him. I wish him well and pray for him – but cannot be a part of the life he has chosen. I also realize I can’t gamble my future on whether or not he’ll quit drinking. I know from personal experience it’s tough to stop even when you want to – so the idea of him stopping while still wanting to drink is ridiculous

  24. Kymber on August 26th, 2007 4:53 pm

    yes leave – go – do it now – all of you contemplating – do not waste another day of your precious lives! Life is far too short to live like this, there is a better life out there for you, just go and find it – you deserve a happy life so start planning and doing and trust that it will come because happiness will happen if you allow it to

  25. Michele on September 5th, 2007 4:57 pm

    Why do I feel so embarrassed at being in the same situation as so many of these ladies…I thought It could never happen to me…thought I was too smart. After 15 years, two wonderful children, who I want to have grow up the rest of their childhood with a healthy emotional environment, I have asked him to leave the house. He will not. He has nowhere to go and no money. He’s desperate and thought that spouses were supposed to help “in good or bad times”…how come he never helped in my bad times? Just critisized. How do I get him out? I’ve made mistakes that make me think I will not be able to get what I need in a divorce…but I don’t want to be financially responsible for his bad choices to the detriment of my kids…it’s so hard to figure out where to go to get help – I go from being strong and not putting up with it to completely withering, blithering and emotional basketcase. If I only had a resource out there that told me: you can do this, find this information there, fill out this form…then do this…
    It’s hard to be a working mum, paying all the bills, doing all house repairs, balancing a demanding career, give the kids that attention that and still find time without him finding out, to get all the information together….oh well, onward and upward…

  26. Michele on September 5th, 2007 4:58 pm

    Why do I feel so embarrassed at being in the same situation as so many of these ladies…I thought It could never happen to me…thought I was too smart. After 15 years, two wonderful children, who I want to have grow up the rest of their childhood with a healthy emotional environment, I have asked him to leave the house. He will not. He has nowhere to go and no money. He’s desperate and thought that spouses were supposed to help “in good or bad times”…how come he never helped in my bad times? Just critisized. How do I get him out? I’ve made mistakes that make me think I will not be able to get what I need in a divorce…but I don’t want to be financially responsible for his bad choices to the detriment of my kids…it’s so hard to figure out where to go to get help – I go from being strong and not putting up with it to completely withering, blithering and emotional basketcase. If I only had a resource out there that told me: you can do this, find this information there, fill out this form…then do this…
    It’s hard to be a working mum, paying all the bills, doing all house repairs, balancing a demanding career, give the kids the attention that they need and still find time without him finding out, to get all the information together….oh well, onward and upward…

  27. Tom on September 15th, 2007 9:17 am

    I would like to submit the experience from another view. I’, a once again recovering alcoholic. I was married 10 years after being sober for 9 Years. After being married for 2 years I gradually started going to less meetings and then eventually to none. My wife at the time had started to experience the subtle signs of a non drinking alcoholic till it got to the point where I had grown down to a 5 year old. That took 8 years. We divorced. This was because of all the tings you folks describe. we are homw wreckers we have no respect, we abuse mentally and verbally, yet there is hope. when a woman wants to leave their alcoholic husband don’t be afraid to do it. it’s the only way he will get sober if he truely admitted that his life is so screwed up that he as a drunk can;t stand it anymore. good mluck to all I have enjoted reading this page.

  28. pat on September 16th, 2007 5:17 pm

    I almost cried when reading the posts. I dearly loved my alcoholic husband for 15 years. I defended him made excuses for him did everything I knew to make HIM happy. He was verbally abusive to me, but I overlooked it thinking he had problems and I must support him. He was violent, hitting my car trunk, throwing cans of beer near me, hitting the wall. I thought, well, he has never hit me and says he never would. He started cussing at my son, and that is when I KNEW he had to get out. I got a domestic violence restraining order against him and he was put out of my house. Yet, I still felt like I loved him and saw him after that. We broke up several times after that. He divorced me and even though I tried over and over to get him to talk to me about the divorce, he ignored me. At the time I was devestated. He got the divorce, and I stupidly contacted him and we tried again. After 3 months of seeing him again, I realized I could not take it anymore. He would come over drunk, fall down drunk, yell at me and call me names. He was even worse than when we lived together. He drives drunk as he did when we lived together. last time he was over here he insulted me saying I was no good in bed, even though he has been impotent for several years. Told me he would find someone else, I told him to go ahead and to leave. I FINALLY realized he has nothing at all to offer me. He called me a week ago just to ask how I was doing, ha. Talked to him and he was civil until I told him he could not come over here at a moment’s notice, then he started yelling and putting me down and for once I did the same to him. He hung up the phone. I am so much happier without him. Believe me, most drunks never change. Even if they stop for a while, most will start back drinking. My mother was married to my alcoholic father and she committed sucide slowly until she died. I WILL NOT end up like her. PLEASE leave the alcoholic you deserve better, no matter what it takes. Living with them is truly and will always be a living Hell.

  29. Amber on November 5th, 2007 1:44 am

    To All of You,

    Your stories hit home with all of us. It’s unfortunate that we all are going through this same dillemma but it is refreshing to have each for support.

    I have been with an alcoholic for over a year. I knew this was the case going into the relationship but at that time, my partner had been sober for six months. The relationship was all I could have asked for and more but as we all know, the relapse was just around the corner. I have been through some of the best moments and worst moments of my life with my partner. I have threatened to leave, left, and then returned to a momentary perfect world. I am so angry with myself because I have sacrificed so much for this person – I have comprimised my core beliefs and principles all in hopes of making them love me more and making us work. My partner always says I’m the best thing they have ever had and that forever is what they want with me.

    I have been hanging on to these statements for some time now. I am completely exhausted and know what I need to do. I need to take the risk of leaving in hopes that they will seek help. But it is sooooo difficult. Any words of wisdom and encouragement would help right now!

  30. Rita on December 11th, 2007 10:02 am

    The stories are so familar. Married to an alcoholic for 22 years. He broke his neck twice from two car wreaks had to were a halo the second time has become very verbally abusive. I will start a new year I will get my divorce in January. God will see me through this

  31. nancy on January 7th, 2008 9:33 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 36 years. His alcohol abuse is getting worse. He is demeaning to me and has been unfaithful a number of times. I am seriously considering filing for divorce. I am scared as I am almost 60 years old. I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and a colon mass. I only work part time and don’t know how I could take care of myself on my own…but anything would be better than this. His 94 year old father has moved in with us; which has made my husband even more demeaning to me. I constantly back away from him and retreat into my own world. I have dear friends, but find that I’m becoming more and more withdrawn from everything. Any suggestions out there??? I’m at my wits end.

  32. C on January 14th, 2008 12:13 am

    I don’t want to put down my name but I will say that so much of this spoke to me. I just left my husband a week ago. I haven’t been sleeping well since doing so, worrying about him (and feeling guilty because I know I broke his heart when I left…even though I know I shouldn’t be feeling guilty) and wondering if he’s okay. I came home once to our house and he had almost burned it down…passed out on the bed with a house full of smoke. A pot melting on the stove…and an empty vodka bottle in the trash…barely.
    I have begged…..threatened…pleaded….done everything I could do and finally, one day, while I was looking through the files for something, I found emails from his ex to her friend and she was talking about him in them….she was leaving him and my god….the words she was writing were soul shattering….because…I thought..MY GOD…this is ME and HIM!!!
    That was the defining moment for me. I thought….if I don’t get out now, he’ll destroy me.
    It’s been hard because in spite of the fact that I know what I did was right, I care for him. He is such a good man.
    But then again, they all are…..deep down inside.
    I read something once and it really made an impact to me…and I hope it helps someone else…..it was “All alcoholics are angry people. They are angry at someone, or something, in their lives that they have never really dealt with. All the ‘reasons’ they drink are actually not the reason they drink…….all those ‘reasons’ simply do is trigger the REAL unresolved conflict in their lives and until they deal with that thing…until they let go of that rage against that person or thing that is inside of them…they will always drink”
    It’s not about us. It’s about them.
    Alcoholics can’t love you because they hate themselves.
    You will never be their wife or their girlfriend (or boyfriend if you are a man and you are reading this)…you will be their victim. You will be their prisoner of war.
    If you stay, you will be in hell and it will be your choice.
    I choose LIFE……

  33. Daisy on January 18th, 2008 2:00 pm

    I am 43 and have been married to a alcoholic for 19 years. We have been together since we were both 17. I now know that it was my destiny to marry an alcoholic. Since I grew up with an alcoholic father. My husband promised me that he wouldn’t drink anymore, but continued to drink behind my back. His attitude was that no one is going to tell him what to do! He resented me greatly during that time. He told me that he deliberately withheld affection and love from me because I was trying to control his drinking. During this time I felt so unloved and neglected that I had an affair with a much younger man. He made me feel special and alive. I realized what I was missing. The affair did not last long. I felt guilty and ended it. My husband continues to drink and still withholds affection. I confronted him and told him I am very unhappy being his wife. I confessed to him that during the time he withheld affection/love from me I was unfaithful. I told him that because of his love for alcohol he pushed me into the arms of another man by neglecting my emotional needs. I then told him that I want him to move out. He’s in denial about his drinking. We have three children and I know this will be an adjustment for them, but I cannot continue to live with an alcoholic husband who loves his alcohol more than his wife and kids. I finally see the light and know that he will never change. I realize life is short and I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and to live without all this anger that I am haboring inside. I know the road ahead will not be easy, but I realize that I have to save myself and our children. Please wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

  34. slow learner on February 2nd, 2008 4:09 am

    I wasn’t sure that a search for “leaving an alcoholic” would turn up anything, but I am glad it lead me here, although I would have preferred a step by step instruction manual. :) I know it’s time to suck it up and end this even though I dread the hassle and embarassment. This can’t go on. I want off this emotional rollercoaster once and for all. The part that sickens me the most is that I did find the courage to leave him after 18 years together – 9 years ago. And then I missed him so much I spent a year getting him back. DUH! If you look up “slow learner” you’ll see my picture. I had paid him out then, we divorced, the house was mine, and voila, here I am. Now it’s been 27 years and I have to go through it all over again. This time I am going to move out because there is no way to get him to leave willingly. And I would rather make the mortgage payment here than give him hundreds of thousands to just blow. Plus the way he’s going, his liver has to crap out eventually and then the house will be mine. Not that I even give a shit about the house, I just want peace of mind. Tonite it finally got violent. He took a swing at me, hit me in the face and shoved me so hard I flew across the room, but when I got up he was standing at the top of the stairs and I helped him get speed and altitude. Now there is a hole in the drywall, a broken ornament, a toppled plant and dirt all down the stairs to commemorate the moment I finally snapped. I thought maybe I’d killed him, but no, he made it back upstairs to bleed all over the bed. I wish I could say I felt bad seeing him lie at the bottom of the stairs, but I really did not. I was amazed that I actually shoved him as hard as I could down the stairs, it was surreal, but I didn’t feel especially bad about doing it. I always swore if he ever hit me, it would only happen once. I am so thankful there are no children involved and that financially I will be all right. I wish to hell I hadn’t wasted all these years thinking if I just did X, Y, And Z, things would change and he would finally choose me over drinking. God I am so tired, so lonely and so sad.
    I pray that each of you finds strength and peace. Life really is too short. Willow, for God’s sake run!! Save yourself. Please. Warning signs are a gift from God, a chance to take another path. Ignore them and live to regret it. As do I.

  35. susan on February 10th, 2008 12:13 am

    I’ve been married to an alcoholic for almost 30 years. I left him the first time after three years of marriage but came back. I left – and threatened to leave – at least 20 times over the years since then. We have two adult children – both with drug and alcohol problems. I love my husband but have never had a good time with him. Holidays, vacations, special events, are all ruined by his drinking. At this point in my life, there’s nothing better to be found elsewhere. Being unhappy and angry for 30 years has caused me to have health problems and age badly. If you’re married to an alcoholic, my advise is to get out of the marriage now, because it doesn’t get any better.

  36. Tamara on February 12th, 2008 3:27 am

    oh ladies, i wish i had it in me to just pick up and leave. what i would give for an ounce of courage. we’ve been doing this same old crap for about 7 years. i don’t know how i ended up hating myself so much that i would stay and do this for so long. when did i decide that i didn’t deserve to be happy? we’re not married, we don’t have children together. i can’t even have my daughter. how did i get myself into this? how did i get so sick? i hate myself and everything about me and my life and i just want it to stop. i don’t know why i can’t leave. i’ve been to alanon but they try to teach you how to live with an alcoholic. i want to learn to live without one. please…..someone help me. the person i was or am or could be is dying.

  37. Ginger on February 20th, 2008 2:56 am

    I am in a predicament with my spouse. He has now broken his promise of quitting drinking 3 times! I was all packed and ready to leave him, a couple weeks ago, and I broke down before I could leave because I couldn’t understand how he could just stand by and watch me and our 3 children leave. My mom is trying to convince me to leave him for a year, and that this would be the only thing that will sober him up. He promised me he’d quit, and that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it. He has been to 2 AA meetings, and I went to one to support him, and then I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week. Then tonight when he was calling me on his way home from work, I could tell something wasn’t right. For one, he was late calling, and since he works where there’s a bar, that is a red flag. I called him back to question him about it and he began denying that he drank, and said he was at a convenient store buying a soda and getting gas…BINGO! We didn’t need gas in the van because I drove it last night & saw how much gas there was. So as soon as he pulled up, I walked out to him and got into the car so I could “discuss” the situation w/o the kids hearing. Oh yah…he was drunk! He couldn’t even look at me, and he even got teary eyed and told me he was ashamed of himself. A ploy to get me to feel sorry for him, and forgive him…AGAIN! He is a sneaky one, and will lie at a whim to cover his *ss! He’s in for a rude awakening if he thinks I’m gonna put up with him any longer…I’ve grown intolerant! I am currently a homemaker, but I do have a degree, and WILL put it to use. I knew I was drawn by God to further my education back when I did, because I had a gut instinct I just may need it in the future. What a sad sad situation this has become!

  38. kate on February 28th, 2008 11:21 am

    my husband and i have been together or seven years, and he is an alcoholic. We have three beautiful children who i’m afraid are being terribly affected by this. While my husband is not physically abusive, He blames me or the kids or everything that goes wrong, in a loud verbally abusive way. I have been contemplating leaving for years but I have a hard time making decisions. Lately I’ve been looking at apartments to rent and really struggling with this. The problem now is that we live in a very small rural community and my amily lives across the country. So i would be literally alone,also my husbands father who has in the past also told me to leave him has terminal cancer and has only been given a short time to live. I don’t know what to do,I can’t stand to hear my kids tell us to stop fighting anymore I don’t believe that things are going to get better. what do I do??????????????? lost and need help.

  39. Penny on March 7th, 2008 2:44 pm

    As I sit here and read I am in total shock! I divorced (2001) my alcoholic that I married back in 1999. I am so disappointed in myslef that I have allowed myself to stay in the circle of abuse. We do not live together I refused to live with him until he got sober and proved it. If I saw him and he was drunk I would leave or make him leave.
    As much as I was proud for setting groud rules and sticking by them I still could not break away totally. I am ashamed of my self. Please hear me when I say IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AS THEY LOSE CONTROL OF YOU!!!! I hate the fact he is so abusive and evil and yet I go back for more.
    I have my own business, I got both of my kids (not his) out of college debt free, I own my home, not in debt and usually I am far from stupid except when it comes to this situation. I read one person say she feels pity for him and that is my down fall. He is so pitifull. But I am working very hard at reminding myself that if I choose to be with him at all then his alcohol problem becomes mine and I REFUSE to go down with him. I even had a rubber band on my wrist eerytime he called I would SNAP it! From experience I would say first don’t be so hard on yourselves. This is not an easy situation anyway you look at it. Alcoholics are charming and like me you may never understand how could they hide that till after you are married. We have to also take it one day at a time. Be kind to ourselves and BE STRONG.
    My kids are grown but I have seen the loss of respect for me in their eyes. I have heard it in their words. All of which made me pity him more. So DO IT FOR YOUR OWN SANITY!!! I can tell you the road may be hard but it wont be as hard as how you have lived!!! You are worth having a life of stability and peace! Take it and run. Once you are out of it good things will follow.
    I wish all of you the best and please remember be kind to yourselves these are hard shoes to walk in!

  40. Pam on March 13th, 2008 9:21 am

    I left my alcoholic husband about a month ago. I had tried to leave his so many times before. I am so ashamed of both staying as long as I did and leaving him! The first month was like a vacation. I slept so much better in a quiet peaceful home. Now, I those feelings of pity and concern form him are creeping back in. I am starting to remember the “good times” even though they were very few and far between. I believe being co-dependent is as hard to break as it is for the alcoholic to give up the booze. Starting over at 50 is hard enough. I am so afraid of the unknown. So ashamed of a failed marriage. So embarrassed by my husband outlandish lies that he is telling every one. He has gone so far as to forge an vulgar email that he claims I wrote to him and send it to my parents and children, showing them what a bad person I am. He also has a “myspace” site when he published his lies including pictures of me and my family. I have cut my hair to try and change my appearance. I know his family believes his lies. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Denying his accusations makes me feel guilty! I feel like I am living in so horror movie or some alternate reality. But, it is REAL! My lawyer tells me in time this will stop. I don’t want to burden my friends and family and I sure don’t want them to see these things. I feel so very alone and broken. What I know is really crazy is that I ever have doubts! Co-Dependent, I know, that is what it is. My life is insane. The good news is, I stopped smoking, drinking and screaming and yelling over a year ago. I have taken the approach that the only thing I can change is myself, so I have been working at that. But, he didn’t change. I did. That that “new me” had to leave. I am glad to have found this site. I don’t know if anyone will actually read this, but it was a relief to just “talk” to some one. Thank You

  41. FoxyMay on March 29th, 2008 11:38 pm

    Hi, I am 35 years old and have been married to an alcoholic for going on 4yrs. The bad thing is that I married him knowing he was an alcoholic. We have a 3 year old, who is at the age where when his dad stays out all night and all day he notices and wonders where he is. I have several reasons why I am ready to leave: 1) I refuse to continue lying to my 3-year old son about his father irresponsible behavior, (2) I don’t feel as if I have nothing to lose, he is not only an alcoholic but a lousy spouse, (no communicaiton, provides no help with househould chores, very dirty, I have to clean after him like I am cleaning after my 3-year old son
    (3) I don’t want to be one of those wives who have been married 20 years to such behavior, then I will be wondering my son is like that. He uses drinking as getting back to me (or so he says) when we get into an argument, but I don’t believe him. (Again, immature actions for a 44 year old man). He is very immature and I refuse to continue to be married to someone who is so immature and irresponsible and thinks drinking is his answer to make a marriage work. Today, we had an arguement and I thougth everything was okay because he called me several times today while he was at work. Well unbeknown to me, he had already planned on going drinking with his drinking buddies, (I don’t believe they are his friends, because they only hang together when it involves drinking). Well, he was suppose to get of work at 10:00pm and normally he would get home at 11:00pm. I called him and asked him where he was and he stupidly lied and told me he was at work. I told him he was lying, because I heard people in the background, at that time he said let me call you back and hung up and I never heard from him again. Well, I am actually waiting on an emergency locksmith to come and change the lock to the house, because he is not coming in this house today or tomorrow. I realize that this will only be a short term solution, because I won’t be able to keep him out like this forever, but it gives me a little time to figure out where I can go with my son. I don’t have very much family here, so I am considering a shelter. I don’t know if they will take me, because there is really not any abuse. I am just tired and refuse to be in a marriage where I am absolutely not the slight bit happy just miserable and feeling stuck.

  42. sarah on April 11th, 2008 8:03 pm

    This Is for Catherine . Oh My God yes you 100% need to call the police next time you know that your ex is drinking and driving . he could and will eventualy kill someone . How would you feel if you knew that you could of stopped hime from killing himself or someone else . It is an disease we know this much is true we know that it also will get worse with time we know of the diffrent classes of drunks . I have been with a alcoholic for 12 years I am also a Daughter of a alcoholic . Neither have laid a hand on me or where verbaly abusive well i have been called names by my husband after hes been drinking all night i dont take it to heart its the alcohol . I guess that the point that I am trying to make is that I live in a form of denial over this whole situation . He has lost his license twice in the past three years . His father was hit by a drunk driver he was in a comma for a month and had to regain all ability to walk talk ect…. he has very little memory of his life befor the accident. My husband still choose to get behind the wheel twice even after he watched his dad go through all of that . I have exausted every ounce I have left in myself to make him better . He will never get better till he does it for himself . Alcoholics want to get better when they are going through there guilt faze, they feel sorry for what they have done or said . (mine when he binges will leave on a Friday and will not come home till the moneys gone) mean while Im at home with three kids trying to act nomal for the kids while there are bills and grocerys ect.. that need to be done . When he does find his way home he feels extreme guilt and I know that he means it because hes a great man with a huge heart . He will stay sober TOPS 3 months then the cravings get the best of him . Its reality that this is what my life has become I try not to let him leave the house without me so I can babysit he must walk everywhere because he has no license . I hide all eveidence of the drinking because the family is very concerned and they all take it out on me when they should be confronting them .Its very hard to not trust someone that you love so much . He has not cheated on me I dont trust him to leave to go to the store without thinking that he will have to stop at the bar first . I know that I am rambling there are so many things running through my head about this terrible disease that destroys so many lives in so many diffrent ways . I know that I am not the only one in a situation like this so for the ones like me . Who dont want to leave because the kids and when hes sober hes #1 DAD and there dad is there world . I have sheltered my kids from almost every situation involving there dad drunk , he actualy has enough sense not to come home while the kids are awake , there has been a few times that I knew that things wouldnt turn out nice so i called the police and the would take him to lock up , and i have had him removed from the home by my brother in law and a few other times I would simply leave to have a sleep over at nanna and pappas . You must protect your kids from seeing or hearing anything that they shouldnt it .I know that he will not change there has already been more than a few what I or you would consider rock bottom . Wow once i get going I cant stop , No one I know has a problem like me they all think its easy just leave him ! Its not Its very painfull and its the hardest theing that I will ever do ! Its always in the back of my head (will he change after I leave him or will he get worse ) I know that me and the kids are the only thing at this point that keep him above water . He also has a full time job and he soley supports our family , so Im talking a semi functional drunk . Never let your drunk ex drive going to jail just might help him .

  43. Rob on May 3rd, 2008 12:40 pm

    Amber… ditto.

    I’ve been with this amazing person for almost a year and a half. I knew shortly after the beginning of the relationship, that he had a drinking problem. He said he had been sober for many years… but he continuously falls of the wagon every couple of months. Usually when everyday stresses get to much for him. I’ve tried to leave before… and came back. a couple of times. Last night, he was over 5 hours late coming home… i went to his studio, and he was passed out drunk. He came home last night at 2:30 am, and has been sleeping every since. I’m tired of being unhappy… i’m tired of the stress. I know what i need to do, it is just so hard. It is so hard to leave someone you love… someone who is obviously in need.

    I grew up in an alcoholic house, and do not what that live again. wish me luck…

  44. chris on May 5th, 2008 12:16 am

    Wow,
    I’m in tears. I’ve been dating and living with an alcoholic for two and half years. Broken promise after broken promise, i have no trust in him anymore. I should have known – before I dated him he had passed out in his car while driving and totalled his car, also had a DUI. Over the course of the relationship he’s continued to drive drunk and be inappropriate when he’s drunk. He says he doesn’t have a drinking problem. The denial is thick and his profession/job is a “wine guy.” Some one help knock me over the head and tell me to run. There are so many fears and insecurities running in my head. Do I want to marry an alcoholic? and have children with this man? I want to leave but as we all know we start to second guess ourselves. Any words of advice would help me.

  45. Riva on May 5th, 2008 6:35 pm

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 34 years. He finally decided to get sober 7 years ago when our first grandchild was almost 2 years old. He managed to carry on in a relatively successful business while an alcoholic; I have a good job so I managed to cover for us when things went awry. Once sober, he maintained a passion for his work and the good, sound decent person in him started to emerge more and more. Almost a year ago he relapsed and has become a stranger in a lot of ways. I believe the trigger was his inability to continue running his business in the manner he was used to. The loneliness is overwhelming and he has run us into a lot of financial debt that he first lied about. He has isolated himself from our grandchildren unless they come to our home… totally lost interest in their hockey games, visiting them, although they do not live very far. I know they miss him too. He has lost all interest in finding work (although he claims he loves to work hard) and hides his drinking. I am really at my wit’s end as unfortunately the man I’ve known has turned into an apparent child who does not know nor care that there are people around him who care. I’ve come to a place where I have gone through the “questions” and somehow leaving may be the only thing to do. It’s hard to think of it as I don’t want to desert him but, as my wise daughter says “you’ve been through this enough and he knows he can always fall back on you”.

  46. amy on May 12th, 2008 11:13 am

    I just wanted to say that I understand everyone of you. I have been in a relationship with what I call an alchoholic for 9 years now. we both used to go out, like couples do and have drinks over dinner or go to the bar on saturdays, but… that wasn’t the only time he drank. He would always, and still does, start to drink by 3 o’clock if not a little sooner everyday, not a few times a week, but every single day. we have gotten into so many arguments and it stems from his drinking – the way he would get jealous, the way he would talk down to me, make up arguments, or blow up over the most trivial things ever. I havn’t drank for a good 5 years now. I have begged in the beginning for him to stop or at least cut down. after all it isn’t the “couple of beers” that is the problem, it’s the 18 pack later when he can’t hold his eyes open or he wants to make up senerios in his head of how he thinks people are against him. We had another argument last night, over stupid crap. I have threatened to leave in the past, nothing has changed. I have written letters, pouring my heart out, and nothing changed. I realize that I am to blame for having my 10 year old daughter hear us fight, and to see her get so upset it makes me sooo angry at myself for going on like this for so long. I am at the end of my rope. I need to get away from this situation that I know in my hear will never change. I am just so afraid to do it.

  47. Eva on May 14th, 2008 1:41 am

    Oh Boy. There are so many of us with exactly the same problems. That makes me sad. I married an alcoholic 27 years ago when I was 21. One of the alcoholics that does all the crazy stuff. Worked infrequently and kept what he made for himself. Had affairs and got VD. Had 3 DUI’s, lost the car one night (we had to drive around for hours trying to find it), brought home a guy from a bar that robbed us. After 4 years of that I changed the locks, packed his stuff and typed up the divorce papers myself. I felt guilty. I worried about him becoming a bum and sleeping in the park. Actually he found another wife who eventually left him and probably another one after that. I want to say to the gals that are dating these guys and thinking about marrying them…DON’T! For those that want to leave…do it if you can. I grieved for several months and then I went on to have a happy life for the next several years. Getting him out of my house was a huge weight off my shoulders. My last comment is don’t think you understand the disease better when you are older and get involved with another alcoholic. That is where I am at right now. The first marriage scared me away from marriage and I never married again. Now I’m 48 years old and have been living with another alcoholic for 6 years. He is unemployed, won’t shower, won’t shave, won’t brush his teeth BUT he is a sweet, gentle person and I feel too guilty to kick him out. I don’t want to retire with a person that is drinking themselves to death and has no income or medical insurance. I’ve worked hard all my life and can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this situation AGAIN. I practice in my head what I will say to him so he will leave but I can never go through with it. I worry that he will hurt himself or end up on the streets. I am afirefighter and I run medical aids on alcoholics all the time. They end up with distended stomachs, horrible GI bleeds, Hepatitis. It makes me sad that this is what what will become of my boyfriend and I feel guilty that I don’t want to care for him when that time comes. I feel selfish and guilty. I have only tried to discuss his alcoholism with him one time and he said it is a “taboo subject”. So there it is…the giant elephant in the middle of the room that I am supposed to pretend doesn’t exist???? Sorry to be so wordy.

  48. maggot on July 1st, 2008 11:57 pm

    heh.

    I’m there living all this too.. .however, its my wife. i dont need to go into gory details but 2 children (and one is adopted) is the end… I cannot have them become alcoholics too.

    I left a year ago for about 5 days, and she stopped.. but now we’re back a year later and a 6 pack a nite is not a big deal for her.

    So women can be alcoholics too… anyone call if they dont have self control. She has a good 6 figure income but she hates her life. perhaps if she did something to relieve stress besides pounding a 6 pack… she might actually enjoy living.

    … each day … is full of life, so go live it.

  49. paula on July 4th, 2008 2:01 am

    hi my name is paula..ive been out of an alcoholic relationship for a yr now but i keep going back not moving back but calling him missing him but itss not the alcoholic i miss its my bestfriend i met 8 yrs ago i miss…do they ever come back or am i chasing him for nothing ..he has chated on me several times lost his 2005 1 ton 60.000 dollar truck..his parents bailed him out of losing his house …im going on a dead horsse ithink but how do i get over him how do i go alone im so scared to be alone at 42 it sux to be single i am so broke its pathetic,,,,and now i think my hair is falling out from it pls help

  50. Lisa on July 11th, 2008 11:20 pm

    Ahhh, I relate to so many of you…I too am a slow learner. In hindsight, I never recognized my guy as an alcoholic till it was too late…. at that point, I was foolish enough to think I could ‘help’ or fix him. I discovered his problem by observing him…. wondering why he left the house so often… what a wild ride from those innocent days to now….
    I can spot an alcoholic now… easily… and have to watch myself from becoming one.
    I took part- and eventually having booze in my home was normal where previously for me, it was ONLY a weekend thing.
    I’ve been there. I’ve threatened, supported, loved, and prayed. I have realized finally, that it wont get better. I am full of hope- this moment… that an independent life is in my future. I am scared to be alone….
    This time, I will do it… and the whole alcohol thing… I pray it will be a lesson learned, and never relived.

  51. Helen on July 15th, 2008 4:58 pm

    To Amber or anyone else putting off the inevitable….
    I was with a drinker for almost 3 years, we have a 2 year old son, I have moved away and it hurts but I feel safe and secure, yes he was great when he wasn’t drinking but I could never trust him and had no peace of mind, that is not a solid foundation for a relationship.I thought exactly as you did that with enough time, effort and love that I could as you had said “make it work”…until I realised that if he didn’t feel the same way (and if a person continues to drink and doesn’t get help eventhough their drinking is out of control and hurting their loved ones, then we can conclude that they don’t feel the same way!). A one sided relationship is headed for disaster, you are only settling for this because you don’t think you are worth any more….until you realise you are you won’t leave him and until he admits they he has a problem and actively seeks help for that problem he will never find happiness either. Even if he does do this and gets sorted, you will always be with a “recovering” alcoholic, he could begin again at any time, why live with that…there are plenty of nice, non-alcholic men out there. Open the door to normality, leave him now.

  52. Amanda on July 17th, 2008 10:32 am

    Thank God for this website–thank you Wendy and to all of you for sharing your stories. It saddens me that so many people are in the same boat but at the same time it’s nice to know that I am not alone. My story (the short version)–I’ve lived with an alcoholic my entire life…first my dad, who eventually died of liver cancer at the age of 45 and then my husband whom I moved in with at the age of 18 (knowing he was an alcoholic). It’s been 14 years now on this roller coaster and I, finally, feel the strenght and wisdom to get off! We are on our third separation in the past year and a half. He’s been gone a month now but what’s different about this separation is that I don’t feel the desperation of “needing” him and I don’t feel scared as I have in the past. July 13 was a day of clarity for me, I woke up feeling confident that I can stick to my guns and see this through. I’ve never been alone so for years I’ve put up with his drinking. He is a functional alcoholic (just as my dad was) and he runs a successful business. He has never laid a hand on me. He just loves his beer and feels he has the right to enjoy it.. He’s not someone who can just drink a few. He drinks to get drunk. I’ve been unhappy for so, so long. Because of my fear of being alone, I have sought the attention of another man as if I was looking for a replacement (my girlfriend calls it “bridging”). I’ve never been unfaithful in a sexual sense but more in an emotional sense–seeking attention through interaction and words (totally relating to some of Daisy’s comments here). I no longer speak to this man (he ended up being a loser). My husband has never really met my emotional needs and he’s very good at blaming me for his drinking. We have two boys, ages 13 and 5. I’m ready to go see a lawyer and not only do this for me but do it for them. They’ve witnessed too much turmoil. I’m worried about the oldest one who has turned out quite unruly and disrespectful. My husband has actually contributed to my new found strength because while he’s been gone this last month he has been boozing it up and binging like never before (he’s in Kentucky right now as I speak at Little Sturgis). Some of his friends have even called me because they’re worried about him as well and they’ve told some stupid things he has done lately like trying to prove he could ride his motorcycle on the gravel road at 60mph without a helmet. He ended up wrecking his bike. That’s just one of the many stupid, drunken things he’s done over the years. I’m to the point now that being around when he’s drunk make me sick, from the way he walks to the way he talks, it is so appalling! I’m looking for words of encouragement to keep me on this road of “recovery.” I’m angry at myself for staying so long and I refuse to waste anymore time. I deserve to be happy and my kids deserve to be happy and to have a mother who is emotionally and mentally healthy. I guess the next step is to see a lawyer…

  53. Linda Sue Smart on July 18th, 2008 12:41 am

    I want to leave but we have a 15 yr old son that does not want to go with me. He knows his father is an alcoholic but he has never lived anywhere else (my son is a Christian and never gives up on anybody because prayer helps everything). We live right next door to my husbands sister and mother. We (my mother-in-law owns this land even though my husband claims it) have 60 acres and we love where we live (I am always reminded that this is not my house and land). Everything is in my mother-in laws name. We have been married for 20 years. Very complicated. My son loves his life here in AL–karate, band at school, girlfriend… I am from Arkansas and have no relatives here. I am not working right now but I have always worked and I have in the past been the one that has made the biggest income. I am going to school to get my Bachelors degree. I have 1 yr left. Right now (again) it is very bad and I want to leave so bad I can hardly stand it. I am taking on-line classes and I could stay with my sister in AR if I could get the courge to leave. I can’t stand to leave my son though, and like I said he told me he did not want to move to AR. Should I make him go with me? Of course he doesn’t want me to go but I have too or either live with this low self esteem and sadness. What should I do? HELP!!! Any advise is useful.

  54. Kristy on July 18th, 2008 9:27 pm

    Wow! I too am amazed at everyone in this type of situation. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and with him for 5 years. I always knew he was a drinking, but I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic until much later into our marriage. He is an alcoholic and I also believe he is depressed. He drinks everyday. Most days are okay, but this year has been complete hell! Most of the time he will help clean house and do other things to support me. Once a month or so he will drink a lot and get completely out of control. This past time he snapped and tried to jump out of the car which I was driving. He was mad at me about a comment that I made and wanted to get away from me. My mom and I ended up taking him to hospital, but by the time the doctor saw him, he had sobered up. He has now agreed to try to “wing” himself off. He is now drinking a 6 pack or so a day, but is a complete jerk to me when he is drinking. He also displays similarities to a bipolar person. One minute he is happy and wants to work on our marriage and his drinking. The next he is ready to leave and give up. I will admit, I LOVE him and would like to work on the marriage and help him with drinking, but I am afraid I can’t take the flip flopping that goes on from day to day. I just wish he would be honest and leave or stay. I know I should just make him leave, because if not I am going to go completely crazy. I am always anxious and nervous. I know I could handle it if he left, but I can handle the in between and I don’t know if I am strong enough to just kick him out.

    I am only 26 and I want kids, but I just don’t see it possible with a man like this. Please pray for me to have the strength to make changes soon!!

  55. Kelli on July 24th, 2008 3:30 am

    I am sitting here alone , again. I have a binge alcoholic husband. We have been together for 8 1/2 years now and married for just two. We now have a 61/2 month old baby girl..she’s asleep in her crib. I haven’t talked to her father since 7:30 this morning when he left for work. It is now 3:30am. I am just so tired of this being my life. Waiting and worrying that’s all I do anymore. I am only 23 years old and should be living my life, but instead I just worry about his. He is a such a nice man, that’s why I married him, because he truly has a good heart, but he’s has changed. He has always liked to drink and since we met in highschool, I guess I just thought that it was normal. He is getting progressively worse, the fourth of july he drove our boat drunk and almost hit an island. We had two of our friends with us, they haven’t even spoken to us since then. I left him after that, but I came back because he promised that he wouldn’t be drinkning anymore. But here I am less than a month later dealing with the same old stuff. So I found this board and thought I would clear my mind. Thank you for listening.

  56. Angel on July 24th, 2008 7:55 am

    Is there any ounce of happiness in an alcoholic marriage in this very dark life??

    I’m married to my alcoholic husband for 2 years, having known him for 5 years before. Been planning for a family for 1.5 years with no success, but perhaps a blessing in disguise as I’m contemplating leaving him. Logically I should, but I find it so hard emotionally. Also I own most of the property, so I’d want him to leave rather than me leaving, and technically I don’t know how to do it.

    I’m attending Al-anon as well as counselling for myself, as I;m confused. I;m fully aware the decision is mine, but everyone else can see I should leave.

  57. Meeza on August 3rd, 2008 12:12 pm

    Interesting what comes up when you type “how to leave an alcoholic”. My boyfriend who I live with is an alcoholic, so is his ex-wife, his mom, dad, stepmom, and stepdad. I feel like I am going crazy and that my lifeforce is being sucked out of me. My eyes are finally opening after 5 years of being together. I can see the damage that his alcoholism is causing everyone in this family. I can see the destruction of my joy at everything. I have been contemplating leaving since January, but didn’t know exactly why. I went to an al-anon meeting for the first time last week. I am so angry! I have had plenty of abuse growing up and have been very proud of myself that I don’t allow myself to be a victim. Now, I am just infuriated because I feel like a victim in this stupid, insensitive situation! I will figure it out, just venting and completely angry!!!!!!!!!!

  58. judith on August 3rd, 2008 6:03 pm

    Just reading all the sad stories and it all sounded familiar. I’ve been with my children’s father for almost 18 years and since he got out of the Marines20 years ago, I thought it was a phase..
    But, every year, 364+ he drinks a tall 4pack and 2 24oz of beer, every, every day. He is the bread winner of our little family, but when there are times he forgets where he is at and he starts to get verbally abusive. Only once I call the police when he almost attack me. Sometimes, when I discipline my kids, he gets up and starts to make a fist and he thinks he is going to fight someone, but I yell at him to tell him, stop it your at home! He’s been a out of the Marines for almost 20 years and he acts like he is still 18 years old and wants to bar fight. I told him to grow up and be a dad. There were times his disciplinary action towards our children was uncall for. So, I started to defend my children, I rather get the first hit and kill him, if I have to, if he ever lay a hand on my children my oldest daughter is 17, then my son who just turn 13, and the 2 little ones are 11 and 9, girl and a boy. I’m afraid one day he’ll hit one of them soon. I really hate him and I want to get out of this so call common law relationship. He threatens me if I ever leave I won’t have any money to support my children. To make matter worse, I have not had sex with him since Feb. and this is Aug. Because, 4 months ago he had a bad rash or sores on his belly and chest and he has an ongoing dandruff of some kind of sores on his scalp. So, I ask him to go to the Doctor and get himself check, but he refuse. I even set up AA meetings for him and me to go to. He hates the fact that I did that and I even prayed for him and he does not believe in God or Jesus Christ. He is well known to the community and he helps a lot of people, but If only they knew. When I mention this behavior of his, he DENIES everything and turns it around on me. I don’t know what to do, I feel stuck and I don’t know who to turn to for help legally. His family is no help, there all alcoholics themselves. For almost a Whole year I have not gone to any of his family functions or to see his mom at the nursery home. I simply drawing away from his relatives and friends. My mom is not around to help me anymore, she died 8 yrs. ago. My kids are traumatized by him, too. I’m lost and How do I tell him I don’t love him any more, even though I said that so many many times and all he says is yeah whatever! Please help me! I need to get out and my children too!!!

  59. Mary on August 7th, 2008 12:04 am

    I have finally left my abusive alcoholic boyfriend, after 5 years. I am 42 years old and feel my life is over. I have left many times, well actually, he would throw me out in the street in his blind drunken rages, and I would go back to him. I suffered a few black eyes, bruises , a cue stick to the head, a couple of fat lips, and the worst was the emotional abuse. When he was sober, he loved me, when he drank he would spit on me, smack me around and call me a dumb c – - t and he would say, he hated me. It was from one extreme to the next. The next day, he wouldn,t remember what he did. How convenient . He would never admit his abuse. He would tell me. If I wanted to hit you, you would be dead. How could he say he loves me? This time I made the decision to leave him.
    What woke me up was, I was cutting myself to numb the pain. I felt worthless, I felt responsible, I felt , I was obligated to help him.
    I was hating myself to a point where I was actually punching myself in the face, looking in to the mirror and saying you are nothing, you are a piece of sh – t. I ask myself, “why do you accept his torture’? Why do I feel that I actually deserve it? I would physically hurt myself, thinking If I showed god how sorry I was for making my boyfriend mad , He would somehow make him stop. I was starting to accept the cycle. Well, I would say, you choose to go back and stay, then learn to live with it. But, it wasn’t living. It was a slow dying death. I couldn’t get the picture out of my head, of my mother identifying my beat-up murdered body in the morgue. I finally realized, I didn’t stay because I loved him, it was because, I am addicted to abuse. My ex-husband was a control freak that mentally and emotionally abused me. I dealt with his crap for 13 years. My ex didn’t drink, smoke or take drugs – Go figure. At times, he would push me, but not as bad as what my alcoholic boyfriend use to do to me. I divorced that b- -st – -d 6 years ago, after leaving him a gazillion times and going back.
    I finally get my life back. Totally happy for 1 year, without a man in my life. Then what happens, I fall right in to another abusive relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?
    It has only been a few days since I left my boyfriend. I have stuck by him through rehab programs, sober houses, etc.. I am so tired now. I feel like I am going through withdrawals. It is just too peaceful, it is just too quiet. I am so anxious. I sit here and shake. I didn’t like or want to be abused. I am simply use to it. It was the norm for me. And above it all, I treated these men like gold – Go figure. They have the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. What about their victims? We are the collateral damage. Where is our 12 step recovery program? Alcoholics drown their pain and demons. We have to deal with our demons and pain – raw.

    I would sure like to hear from someone that can relate to my story. I am starting my life over at 42, living with my mother, who , god bless her, witnessed and stuck by me through all of this. All I got out of this relationship was no job, no money, evictions, repossessed vehicles, traffic tickets (of course everythings in my name) I didn’t cause, no self-esteem, and no desire to love. Love to me is abuse. Another crazy thing is, I am still young, beautiful and I even went to college. No I am not vain. I hated being extremely pretty. It just made these men insecure and extremely jealous, accusing you of being a whore and sleeping with guys on your job. I was waitressing 9 hours a day, because my boyfriend would screw up great jobs because of the drinking. He would wait up for me. As soon as I walked in the door ,he would step on my aching feet as hard as he could so I wouldn’t go back to work- Sick huh? Even college people can be stupid. I haven’t called myself beautiful, ever. This is the first step to getting my sense of self back and maybe to someday learn to trust and love a man again. It will be very hard. I have given everything to these men. My heart, my dignity – they have taken everything you could possibly take from a human being. I pray every night for all the women who are being beat up and beatened down. God help them. Give them the strength to get out and the courage and hope to live again. Thank you for reading my story. God Bless.

  60. Maria on August 8th, 2008 5:57 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. At this moment I am wondering if he will show-up to work today? Should I care? Probably not. I have decide to leave him, now. He has had 2 DUI’s and as a previous poster noted about her own situation, my husband cannot handle any stressful situations. He turn to drinking as soon as something stressful happens to him or others . . . he is also a pleaser. He has this need to please everyone around him. He is a nice, wonderful, loving father. But, first he is an ALCOHOLIC. So, yes, I am leaving him. He has not hit bottom yet and we wonder when that will be? I feel guilty and sad because I want to help him. He is selfish and likes when we have pity for him, and in the end we just enable him more – we have 2 daughters that love him very much. I can no longer neglect them emotionally. The alcoholic has gotten much attention in the past 17 years and I am done with that! I have no idea what I will do to move out on my own and be able to handle everything myself. But, I have always worried sick about it each and everytime I have wanted to leave. So – I am leaving now, regardless of that. My 4 year old asked me last nigh if her daddy was going to come home or not? My heart broke and I hated myself for allowing someone to hurt her in that way. I have been very unhappy with my husband and have accepted that he already has another wife – the bottle.

  61. Melissa on August 20th, 2008 1:50 pm

    Today makes a week that I kicked out my boyfriend. I thought it would make a difference in his decisions about drinking. It did not. I type this and my throat tightens. I’ve been this emotional basket case since he’s been out, but everytime I think about calling him and asking him to come home, I think about every time he lied to my face, lied to me on the phone, lied to me a week ahead, the drunken insults, the pushing, and fights; it never ends. The trust has wittled down to nothing, and is to the point where my feelings are of hate, distrust, anger, disgust, etc. I’ve been supportive and waited, encouraged and babied, made a home, cooked, cleaned, worked a job and had kids for this man in hopes of change. I feel that my body, emotions, and life have been played with. My 5 month old and 5 year old will not know this unhappiness caused by their fathers failiure. Reading everyone’s situations and stories will help me through the next weeks. Thank you! More power to your gut decisions, life is too short to be miserable.

  62. Lauren on August 24th, 2008 9:22 pm

    Wow, I had no idea so many other women were going through my situation. It’s so helpful to read all these stories. I found this site when I Googled “divorcing an alcoholic”.
    I’m 33 years old and have been with my alcoholic husband for 10 years. Our kids are 7 and 3. I am leaving him in May when my son gets out of school and will be staying with my parents until I can get on my feet. I haven’t worked in 7 years, but I am a licensed hair stylist, so I’ll be able to find work.
    We started out as a couple who drank and partied together, but when I got pregnant I was ready to stop all that and be responsible parents, he was not. I quickly realized he couldn’t and didn’t want to stop drinking. He goes through this whole pattern. His drinking gets really heavy and he gets violent. Then the guilt and the “I’m gonna quit drinking”, a week or two without drinking, then “just one” beer from the mini-mart, then the six or twelve pack, then the tiny bottles of Jack Daniels, then the bottles get bigger until we are up to the gallon size of JD. Then he gets drunk and angry and does something really stupid or embarrassing and then the pattern starts again.
    He is so controlling and jealous, that I can’t have any friends. The last friend I had he told to “Get the f*** out of our house!” when I had invited her and her young kids over for dinner on a night he was supposed to work late. He came home early and you would have thought I had a man in the house. It was bad. So I don’t even try to have friends.
    I am leaving him this time for good because I don’t want to be 40, or 50, or 60 and wish that I had left years earlier. And I will NEVER go back to him, there is no love left at all. I feel like at 33 I can still make a happy, healthy life for myself and my children. I will be giving up the big house and the nice cars, but I’ll be happier in a one bedroom apartment with my kids where we are safe than in this giant house that has become my prison.
    Thanks for listening.

  63. dreamspinner3 on August 27th, 2008 12:51 pm

    I grew up with alcoholic parents and I married an alcoholic man and spent 20 years living with him, trying to make things work out. The alcohol ruined him and it killed the person that I loved and married. He was drinking a quart of vodka a day on top of taking medications for being bipolar & the combo made him totally nuts. He became physically absuive towards me that is when I snapped and had him arrested, got a protection order, and got the hell out of my marriage.

    I advise anyone who is considering getting involved with an alcoholic whether or not they are in recovery NOT DO IT. The price is to high, the stakes are to great…it is your life you’re gambling with!

    I’m glad I never had children with this man. Now I’m involved with someone who is kind and loving and it seems so weird to be to be treated in a good way. That is so sad!

  64. Sue on August 28th, 2008 9:45 am

    I just found this site and it really hits home with me. We have been married since 1994, together since 1991. We have raised 6 kids, all turned out great, and have had our ups and downs. He is the most loving, caring, wonderful person I have ever met when he is not drinking. When he drinks (every day) he has lately started becoming mean, picking fights, and while I know its the alcohol, it still hurts. About 6 years ago I left for 4 days – he watched me go – and when I finally came back he was a mess. I know that he loves me, but he is also an addict. he can’t choose between the 2 of us (me or the booze) and I don’t know how to make it happen. He has had 2 DUIs in 12 years, works full time, makes really good money. Our bills are paid. He drinks ALL the time when he isn’t at work, and it seems like that is his only hobby. I really love him dearly, but hate the alcohol and what it does to him. I have begged, pleaded, screamed, threatened, nothing does any good. He’s been to rehab, been to jail, been through all of it, but still says that he is going to drink becuase he is an adult and nobody can make him stop.

    How do you make yourself stop taking the easy way out??? I live wondering how he will be when he gets home, hopefully I won’t have done anything to make him mad. The easy thing is to ignore it all, kind of stick my head in the sand, and tell myself that its the alcohol, not the man. The hard part is moving out, starting over (this is marriage #2), and frankly I’m scared. I know I could do it on my own, and I have great family support. But I also know that he will be begging, pleading, crying, and doing everything he can to get me to come back. I just can’t take it any more, and living like this is not good, not at all. Does anybody have any suggestions?? I love this man with all of my heart and soul. I hate his drinking. So how do I separate the 2?? why does life have to be so hard :(

  65. Jennifer on August 28th, 2008 10:54 am

    Hmmm. Where to start? I have been with my husband since I was 17, I knew he drank when we got together. I didn’t know that he has a family history of alcoholism. I think he is what they call a functional alcoholic. He works his job, full time, comes home and does manage to spend time with his 5 kids we have, but has to have beer pretty much every day. We have been together for almost 13 years, our oldest is 11 and the youngest is 2. He has been sober for almost half of the time we have been together. We managed fully to get to that level and then we never succeeded at overcoming the past and changing our emotions fully. We went through a really rough time due to several stressful circumstances and eventually he broke and began looking to alcohol last year. Now a little over a year and a half he has picked up where he left off several years ago but gone even further in other ways, he cheated on me basically, spent too much time at work to get away from my bitching, after we had moved to another state and were far away from friends or family and I felt utterly abandoned by the one I thought I could count on to be there with me. We tried to go to counseling and that didn’t last the first 15 minutes of the session and he walked out. He is so bitter about the past, from his mother when he was growing up to problems we had over the years. We can’t even have a discussion without several issues from our past blasting me in the face. We recently moved back home and are staying with my mother and step-dad so that we can replace things we had to leave and save for a house since we are starting over basically and since I suffer from a bitching syndrome I said too much when I was nagging and he and I had an arguement and he said he wanted to leave so he is currently staying at a hotel. He is supersensitive when it comes to references about himself, and his reaction is to lash out verbally. I hate my kids seeing all that and they love their dad and are always quick to forgive but I really worry about what kind of effect this will have on them later. I think we are disfunctional, but not in ways that you hear most often. I tolerate certain things because I know how good of a person he can be when he is sober but have a hard time even being in the same room with him when he is not. He is rude and always loud and to me just plain obnoxious. The thing I hate the most is he calls me names. He never sees it though, I have thought several times about recording him just to show him later but it makes me sick that is has gotten this bad. I have been telling him that he needs to quit drinking completely and he tells me he won’t because there is no reason to. He says that there is no harm in him coming home from work and having a few. Which wouldn’t be that bad if he didn’t seem like a different person after drinking and didn’t have to do it daily. While drinking he thinks I should do everything, which I don’t so that makes it worse, he is rude about money since I am a stay at home mom(because he thinks that is best) and tells me he works and it is his money. He was never like that in that attitude about money before when he was sober. I know he is not happy, but he seems to think the buzz is a cure all for being tired, needing to relax, being mad, and having fun. I understand I have a big hand in this too since I am easygoing about speaking out about my feelings and don’t have a problem saying things like they are and I really wish I could get a grip with that so my mouth isn’t ruled by my emotions because sometimes it seems like I just fly off the handle. I feel guilty right now because I have already been telling myself that if he didn’t quit drinking I would leave and also told him that as well, and now the kids are really sad and worried because we have been a family that was pretty tight and always did things with the kids and now he has allowed the drinking to change that and with being at a hotel the kids are freaking on me! I wish he could see that his drinking is a problem and if the kids tell him they don’t like it he justifies by saying the same thing he has told me, ” I don’t beat you, I work and get you the things you need and pay the bills and I love you so why can’t I relax and have a good time?” It is hard because when he is semisober or sober, he is helpful, likes to grill meals for us and just hang out, but half the time it seems like it gets ruined because I can tell when the fun is over, he gets an attitude if we don’t do something right, he becomes a martyr after cooking the meal or doing something around the house and becomes unbearable to be around because he starts yelling or wants us to hurry up and get the kids down so we can be alone and gets mad if it don’t work out the way he planned. I don’t know, this probably seems all superficial but it has been going on long enough and if I am not crazy will some one please just let me know it? I just think a six pack a day at least is a little much. Recently he is down to four beers a day and was really upset that I didn’t verbally notice. I plan to take advantage of him being there and hope to get him convinced that either the alcohol goes or we will have to call it quits. That really bothers me because he was my best friend, I could always talk to him about anything, he understood me and we got along and had fun. I just wish he could find where he got lost.

  66. Patty on August 28th, 2008 12:55 pm

    I just want to say I have been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years now. We separated about 3 1/2 years ago and he made all kinds of promises of quitting drinking and being a better person. So we found a lot and built a new house to start a new life. While the house was being built I noticed some behaviours that I thought were odd. Just kept going, thought maybe it was just the stress of building the house. Anyway house is done 3 years now but the drinking has come back in full force. He quit smoking pot, but found another new habit once we got a computer, gambling. Playing poker, drinking and nothing else. I talked to him about the habits and something needed to change. Promises, promises. I admit I am not perfect, I have found myself in financial stress I think maybe trying to make up for what I don’t get in my relationship. It is like, I start to take control over myself and wham, I’m right back in the trap of staying. Kind of like I self destruct myself. I told him I don’t want to be there anymore and I am going to move. His response is that “What My House and My Car aren’t good enough for you anymore…. I can’t take the control issues anymore. I am stressed out to the max. I have tension at work, I have tension driving home know what is there. I’m scared to death. But I have to do it, because I have been making my body sick for years.

  67. Bonita Alvarez on September 2nd, 2008 5:07 pm

    I put my husband in jail the day he was going to take our last vehicle, drunk, and buy a shotgun. He had totaled our truck two hours earlier, and was after me for the keys. He had back surgeries, so had an “excuse”. I had to leave with no job, no health insurance, and am 59 years old. I guess when you comtemplate killing someone a hundred different ways, it’s time to leave. I found that many men in my past where also drunks, but
    this time I would have to get out of my comfort zone and find someone that I couldn’t caretake. I have found him and though there is no “excitement” when we are together, I know in my hearty that he loves me and will always be there for me. He doesn’t drink,either. Sure I miss the money, the new house,etc. And it’s normal that I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake. I hear that he has joined our church and doesn’t get crazy anymore. It makes me realize that if I hadn’t have left him, he’d have killed me or himself. Now he won’t be doing either.

  68. Kerrie on September 5th, 2008 9:24 am

    I’ve 47 and have been married to an alcoholic for a year. I was never around alcohol when I was a child so I was naive and didn’t know the signs until after we were married and living together. Like many of the other posts he’s a sweet man, but will not stop drinking for anything. He’s depressed and taking antidepressants now and I’m begging him to stop drinking. We haven’t even made love since we’ve been married cause he’s never interested. I feel so stupid….I was single for almost 8 years and thought I would know better that to let myself get sucked into something like this. He doesn’t even want to get up and go to work, we are going to lose everything because he’s in denial about his problems. I have tried so much to help him, encourage him, love him without judgment but I don’t know how much more I can do and keep my self respect. My heart breaks for him but I have finally realized that he will never change and I’m not going to live the rest of my life like this. I am also angry with myself for falling in love with him because that makes it so difficult to leave. But that is something I have to do for my own survival.
    I found out that drinking ended is previous marriage and sadly it will end this one as well.

  69. Kristin on September 9th, 2008 11:36 pm

    I am sitting downstairs reading this as my husband is passed out upstairs in our room. Last September, I brought home separation papers and he has been sober since, until this month when it all began again. So I find myself lying to family and friends and I am at my breaking point. My problem is I have a 3 year old who loves her dad and he loves her and I feel so guilty for taking her away from him. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in this kind of environment and I kept hoping that my husband would realize this. In addition to his drinking addition, he is also a compulsive spender and although he makes great money we are getting daily collection calls. If I leave I will have to go back to work as I am a stay at home mom, and move to California to live with my sister so she could babysit. I truly believe the only good thing that came out of this marriage of 6 years is my daughter (who is my life) and that makes me really sad inside. My parents have been married for 48 years. In the morning when he starts to sober up, I will hear the sorry’s and the REGRETS but I am so angry at him for ruining our life that I feel I don’t have any other choice. So why can’t I just leave him and leave the guilt with him as well? I’m 40 and know there is much more to life than this, at least I hope there is because things really suck right now and I am the positive person in the family…Alchoholism is such a horrible disease and effects so many people. I can relate to all the people writing these letters and hope we all can find a little strength in one another to make the right decisions.

  70. Toni on September 10th, 2008 4:36 am

    I have just gone through all the messages. The one common factor is that we stay with our lovely people who drink because we ‘love’ them. Love? Need? Yes they can be charming, intelligent, funny, sensitive, caring…but in the end they are still not there. It is a lonely place for all.. The hardest thing of all is the hope that they may come back. Time makes that hope slippery and yet some alcoholics do rally. Will we be the lucky ones? It could be any of us, seeing what you you see them going through would not be something you wish on on anyone…least of all our selves.
    Life has to have compassion but also a sense of self preservation…which is why this disease makes it cruel for all concerned.
    Everyone keep your heart open and protected.

  71. Toni on September 10th, 2008 5:15 am

    P.S. Our one year anniversery tomorow. Dropped him off to detox today. Good on us both. And, so many of us have grown up with alcoholics and are drawn to alcoholics. Maybe because they are just as hurt and as bewildered as us?
    But having gone through it once, now that it is a choice, refuse to do it again. It is a despicable illness. I once made myself believe in a God….but a feet on the ground person now. Wish I did believe and admire those who do, and, we all have to make our own way.

  72. Lori on September 10th, 2008 4:21 pm

    I left the love of my life 1 month and 1 week ago today. My daughter called 911 to save my life the night he had me trapped inside the house on one of his drunken rages. I left a $250,000 house behind, and started from scratch once again in life. Was it hard? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Do I miss him? Terribly. I cannot go back to that life though. I have him the choice of the bottle or his family, and he made his choice. I deserve better, and my children deserve to grow up in a loving home knowing that men do not have to drink to get through the day. Things will work out one way or the other. It will be hard, but you will find peace. Go before he drags you down with him.

  73. tracy on September 21st, 2008 2:14 pm

    This is to Chris who is dating an alcoholic. PLEASE RUN as fast as you can. I dated an alcoholic, married him and had 2 kids with him. I found out shortly after my 2nd son turned 1 that he was having an affair. He began the affair around the time my 2nd son was 2 months old. It began with a co-worked who gave him the attention he needed. That was in 2005, and now in 2008, I’m still not out of the relationship completely. We began divorce, never finished it, and moved out of state. He kept the friend on the side and lied from time to time. Go figure. He thinks I was too much into the boys, but I think the alcohol is to blame for most of our problems. I can’t not stress enough to you…….RUN FAST. Do not marry or have children with this man. You will regret it later in life. Trust me. I feel so guilty for picking a man that is not a very good role model to my sons. I have been through the ringer and I’m still hoping he will get sober!! They use and abuse you and you don’t even know it until it’s too late. RUN!

  74. sherry on September 26th, 2008 10:42 am

    well here goes, i have done the same thing been with one for 20 years , lived with him for about 12 years .Dont understand we separetded every year and this is 2008 we have split up again caues his drinking .But he says i bitch to much so what is the real problem.stop b,,,, ing or drinking. i love him but soooooooooo tired of the drinking . I KNOW NOW all that bitching was a waste of time cause this last year i DID NOT SAY anything about his drihking and has got worse . NOW he see i REALLY mean it this time.but i still want him but REFUSE this time to live with the drinking hope he wil stop wish me good luck I REALLLLLLLLLY INEED IT AM I WASTED MY TIME PLZ REPLY

  75. anna on October 6th, 2008 7:48 am

    thankgod ive found someone to talk to, another day crying over wether i should laeve my partner of 15yrs. he is a binge drinker, i feel like i cant go on anymore but have 2 lovely girls to thimk about. will there ever be an end? anyone

  76. kim on October 10th, 2008 1:53 am

    hi , i live with a alcholic ive been with him for4yrs , he is slowly burning me out, i stay with him as its my house, and he keeps saying i decorated this house i help pay for this and that, and its hard finding the courage to tell him to go , he has hit me twice, and always threatens to , but i now say doit again and your gone , so i think thats what stops him , he is 45, and acts like a child ,we have no life except i stay at home with him at wkemds and he drinks all day , i feel like i cant have friends ats its embarassing when he is drunk, so no on ecomes to the house, i have a good jobb, but i have to hide my emotions and say its all ok , when im shattered inside, im sooo low and down i dont know what to do , i was going to go to alanon but the day i can go is a saturday and he is at home and would aslk where i am going , and i cant face telling him so i just put up with it , im on this site as i dont know what to do anymore, i make excuses for him, but as no one comes to are house he has no friends, and i dont apart from friends, people think he is fine, but its all not fine , i dont know what to do to be honest, thank you for reading this, i dont drink at all , which he loves for some strange reason

  77. Lost on October 23rd, 2008 2:13 pm

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for 18 years of which 15 of those where sober years. He checked himself into a treatment hospital 18 years ago and got sober. We lived together for 2 years before we married. In the last 3 years my husband has started drinking again both openly and secretly (more so the latter). We have a seventeen year old daughter. In the past 9 months his drinking has escalated and his personality has changed drastically, its a if I do not know this person anymore. I have not confronted him when he is drunk as he had a violent history before his treament. However I have waited until he is sober and have told him repeatedly that my daughter and I can no longer live this way and he must stop. He always assures me he will and then two or three days later its the same thing again. At this point he is not physically violent yet there have been moments when I have been afraid. He claims today I cannot be trusted because of an incident that happened 20 years ago! He has purchased vehicles and bedroom furniture without even speaking to me about it. These are big purchases and I thought I should have some say in what we do financially. I do not know what to do next, my daughter says she is surprised I have stayed this long. We moved 12 years ago and are about 800 miles from any of my family so obviously I and my daughter are quite alone if we leave. I am so afraid to go and I feel guilty and shame for even thinking I could walk away from the 18 years I have invested in our relationship. I do not feel the same feelings for him anymore and I struggle with that daily! I hope someone can give me some insight on what I should do.

  78. Regina on October 26th, 2008 2:32 am

    I left after 30 years, at first i was ashamed that I put up with the shit so long. But now I am free. I thought for 30 years that I was going to fix him,make it better. YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM it is what it is and its Alcohol, its more important than you, its more important to him than himself, his family his life, its a giant it takes over with vingents, and you must get out. In my case it was a cycle with him he could be nice and peaceful one day and the next he could be violent, and just nasty. Oh yes I have two adult children who saw all this. I am ashamed that I exposed them to this. But all I can do now is pray that they do not pick his path in life. Please leave it does not get better. Regina

  79. mis on November 6th, 2008 8:35 pm

    I threw my alcoholic boyfriend out after 8 years of emotional abuse,the partying friends were always more important than our son and myself.Three months later I took him back because I felt bad for him.I spent the next 2 years trying ti find a way out again.He found it for me when he got another DUI and landed in jail again.It was the best thing that could have ever happened to us,my house is so much more calm and stress-free.I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time, life is too short to live with an abusive,self-absorbed alcoholic.My advice to all who are looking for advice is this: DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO DO IT FOR YOU.DON’T WASTE ONE MORE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE.GET OUT NOW AND DON’T HAVE PITY FOR HIS SELF INFLICTED MISERY.IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM,ONLY HE CAN CHANGE HIM.TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK NOW!!!Good luck and God bless.

  80. Sarah on November 11th, 2008 8:45 pm

    This is the first time I have even looked this up and am amazed at the amount of people enduring the same thing I am. My husband doesn’t touch alcohol during the week but when Saturday hits…it’s on. He drinks non stop and becomes verbally abusive. It starts after the house full of people he invited over leave. Then he wakes me up in the middle of the night by turning on the light and screaming at me…just about everything in the book. My 3 yr old sleeps with us so he witnesses it. I have reached the end of my rope and he swears he will get help, but I have heard this before and am just at a loss. i donot want my son to grow up thinking this is acceptable but I’m just scared to go, to try to make it on my own, of him saying he’s better and then he’s not. I just dunno.

  81. Maggie on November 13th, 2008 1:27 pm

    After 15 years and one child, my daughter finally left her husband and filed for divorce. He’s been in rehab many times and has gone through AA as well as counseling, all at her expense. He has not held a job in years so she pays for everything. After the separation, a drinking buddy put him up but when the situation deteiorated to the point of him not bathing or eating, they sent him back to the hospital again. He has no job, no place to live and no resources but he refuses to quit drinking or to try to make things better. Drugs are also involved. My daughter is now feeling guilty because friends tell her he looks horrible and they think he is suicidal. I fear for her and my grandchild. If she goes back on her decision, nothing will change. They will be in danger of him accidently hurting the child or setting the house on fire. He’s a smoker. He’s nearly ruined her financially as well as emotionally. I know she continues to wonder if she could do something differently and suffers from the problem of many women – it must be my fault! I can only offer a listening ear and support, but I am very afraid.

  82. Lynn on November 19th, 2008 12:36 pm

    Hello everyone. Wow…. all these stories sound so much like mine. I am not married to my alcoholic. We don’t even live together. He has been pushing that issue about moving in together and I have stood my ground. We have separated more than I can remember during our 2 years and 5 month relationship. I don’t know what to do now. It has been a month since this separation and I do miss him, but not as much as I used too. He can be such a caring, loving man when he wants to be. He blames me all the time-how I could never be happy with him and everything he does is not good enough for me. I beg him to stop drinking. I threaten to break it off and I do, but I go back to him at the end when he emails me or texts me. I do not know if he has cheated on me and swears that he never has, but I do not trust this man anymore. I gave him everything I had. I guess it wasn’t good enough for him. I don’t like to be failure, but that is how I feel right now. I could of done something different. I could of not nagged him ect ect ect. My first marriage I married an alcoholic and we divorce after 3 years and I guess I didn’t want to fail again this time, but here I am alone. I have called him, text him and even went to his apartment-where he ignored me. He text me that night when I was at his apartment and he said he was drunk and was passed out. This is the 2nd time this has happen. I wish I could just let go and walk away. Why is it so hard to let go. I need to stand my ground and not go back to him. He has never ignored me this long and I feel so sad, so alone, so hopeless. I know I would be better off alone, but why do I hold on?

  83. marisa on November 22nd, 2008 2:32 am

    I am struggling with a tough decision, and it is tearing me apart. I met my partner about 8 years ago, and he was really messed up from the start. I wanted to believe that it would get better, and am still waiting, but now I realize that it will never happen. My life is passing me by. I am 52 years old, been through a very traumatic death of my husband and thought I had met the man of my dreams. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, and they don’t want anything to do with him. Now I fully understand why. He is very abusive and trashes myself and my family each time he drinks. My self esteem has plumited, and I have gained a ton of weight, thinking that I am not worth it. I am a real estate agent, and a very successful one at that. He criticizes the way I do business, and calls me stupid. I just feel that there is no way out. I am stuck. He does not work or when he does it is very sporatic. No one wants to hire him, he can’t keep a job. We live in a very isolated spot, and have very little contact with friends and family. I need to get the guts to just leave, but I am worried about my home as I have worked so hard to make it happen. I have good kids and a wonderful family that he trashes any chance he gets. Today he got a call from the Family Responsibilty office and they want payment for his kids, guess who will have to pick up the tab, me!! I am tired, I want myself back. Any advise for me???

  84. Shelley on November 25th, 2008 11:39 pm

    It’s so sad to hear so many stories that sound so familiar. I have stayed in a loveless, sexless marriage for 18 years to a ‘functional’ alcoholic who drinks every day. We don’t fight, but barely speak. I should have bailed early in the marriage before my daughter was old enough to know what she now knows. She’s a great kid but I believe will have to face a lot of pain when this all comes to an end – which is inevitable. What kept me here was the fact that if I left, my daughter and I would likely have to deal with his next partner or she would be put in a position of doing things for him that he should do for himsef, so I would rather stay in control and give up these years than deal with that unknown. Of course money is so often an issue. I actually make more money than my husband because he works in construction and only works a portion of the year. Gives him more time to wallow and drink during the winter! I have immeasurable patience and have held onto the hope that someday it will be over. I’m sure there is something psychologically wrong with that, but it’s the choice I can live with. I am at most 4 years from the end. It may be much sooner. A few years ago I read the book ‘Marriage on the Rocks’ and it was like a slap in the face. How could this person be looking in my windows and know exactly what was going on in my household. It’s very painful and far more common than I think is discussed. Alcohol is the devil.

  85. Danielle Ujueta on November 28th, 2008 3:09 pm

    I don’t know how to leave. He stopped drinking for years and I am back on the same boat. I am emotionally being abused by this situation and I have come to terms that I am as sick as he is. I realized that due that I choose to leave this way. He got arrested for a DUI last month and has not learned his lesson. I was up all night waiting for him..I cant even cry anymore…I don’t see a way to help him. I need help my self and I have taken the first step by making an appointment to see someone and help my self and leave. My Heart is broken. How can a person tell you they love you and hurt you at the same time?

    Danielle

  86. Lisa on November 30th, 2008 6:01 pm

    I am so torn. I was married for 23 years to a non-alcoholic but our marriage ended and I met Dave. It was a rebound situation. He “adores” me. He wants to be joined at the hip. He never looks at another woman. He also drinks from the moment he gets up until he goes to bed. He has no anger issues, but he ruined Thanksgiving by getting drunk and slurring his words so much I had to call and cancel everyone from coming to my house. He is in debt up to his eyeballs and now I am, too. I don’t blame him for that, I make my own decisions, but they have been poor ones. He also didn’t file taxes for the five years prior to our marriage and even has reneged on payday check places. I’ve been married to Dave for over 3 years now, but we own nothing together and I make sure it stays that way. I’m 48 and he’s 51. He has flat out told me he will not quit drinking. He says he’s been an alcoholic since he was 17 and that’s how he’ll stay. The problem is there is addiction all through my family and I tend to drink more when I’m with Dave than when I’m not. He encourages my drinking, which makes it worse. I care about him, but I don’t love him. I think that I just don’t want to be alone…

  87. Barbara on December 5th, 2008 4:49 am

    I sound like everyone else here. I’ve been living with an alcoholic boyfriend i met on Ebay. I thought he was so funny, so smart. I had no real idea of the extent of his problem. He has quit the adderall but the drinking has gotten worse. At first he wasn’t abusive but now every time he drinks he throws me into the garage and tells me to leave that he wants his house to himself, etc. more verbal abuse. then he doesnt remember even saying all this. When i moved in with him 4 years ago , i had a band, had savings felt good about myself. Now i am feeling so bad about myself, have no money left , and can’t get a job which he berates me for. I still have the band but he see it as a waste since i make no money but i havent been able to play my guitar in His house. The problem with us is we have nothing together. I love him but i’m so confused that i feel so bad i can barely function. He makes good money on an internet site that he doenst have to work at. Now hes got a 2nd job and I thought maybe he would straighten out but hes drinking a little every day, but on his days off he drinks and gets abusive and i’m scared that I will get thrown in the garage again. I put a deposit on an apt but now I cant find a job and just sell on ebay and its not enuf to move. I could get by somehow but its scary but i’m so angry that after 4 years hes got tons of money saved and i’m in debt. I love things about him but theres no plans nothing. we don’t leave the house together as i’m scared to death cause of the times we went out to dinner etc he ended up punching out the car windows and scaring me to death. not to speak of him driving drunk even though i had gotten hurt in a bad wreck from someone who was on his 3rd dui. I know that i can’t make him stop and even if I leave if won’t help. my problem is I keep threatening to leave but don’t . I can’t even get in my car and drive to LA for my business which is no good cause he puts me down and then I feel like hes right and i’m wasting my time . I went to a trade school here in vegas and now can’t get a job. he acts like i’m not trying but the bottom line is i feel so bad about myself I give up . its also hard cause of the economy. now its 2am and I can’t sleep again. i was taking xanax for panic attacks but I want to stop cause theyre making me depressed and unclear in my thinking. hes 45 and i’m older but that doesnt seem to be an issue . the drinking is. I don’t go to alinon as i cant relate to the group here. I feel like I need to leave but i’m frozen cause he does have good points. i’m happy sometimes just staying home with him but he keeps me from working on my computer and then i end up in debt. but he gets all his work done. sorry about all this blabering but i’m so frustrated and confused and now its almost the holidays. thanks for listening .
    me

  88. Joanna on December 11th, 2008 9:18 pm

    I am sitting here in my room disgusted. My Husband is an alcoholic and on meth to control a pill addiction. The meth treatment cost over 300.00 a month not to mention the cost of beer and vodka. I am so unhappy all of the time. I wanted kids but we never had any and we have been together 8 years. I am 43 so that dream is gone. He has three from his first marriage and they never come here and dislike me for having to be the parent with rules when they were younger. I had to be because he was on pills and drunk and I was here to cover the visitations. I was trying to hold down the fort, save his time with his kids but it turned out all worng. Now they are grown, he is depressed because they do not like me. He drinks all day everyday, sleeps until 1 or 2 gets up and starts all over again. He does not work but brings in money from a rental property. It is barely enough to pay the house payment utilities and his addiction. I work and pay for all our food, clothes, gifts, insurance, car payment, credit cards, loans and taxes. I do not want to be married to him at all. I am so angry at him and I am so repulsed by the person he has become. He can not even carry on an intelligent conversation, he can not remember any thing we ever talk about, He barely makes sense half the time. He has no nouns left in his vocabulary. He can not do anything by himslef around the house. i work about 10 hours a day and come home and cook and grocery shop and wash clothes. Our house is a mess. I have 9 animals that are my life. that is the only thing I have that is worth anything to me. I have no friends and no social life at all. I love my job and have “work friends” I do not want them to meet my husband because he embarrasses me. He never even brushes his hair unless I tell him to do it. He wears dirty clothes and forgets to brush his teeth. He smokes around people who dislike it, he cusses all the time, he smell like beer and vodka all the time. Plus, no one can converse with him because he makes no sense.
    But still I stay. I can not support myself on what I make. We survive because he has family money that keep our head just above the drowning line. However, we can not save any, we can not plan for our future because he does not have any dreams, goals or interests. I will not have sex with him and have not since June. I just can not stand to be that close to him. I think if he got clean and sober, that maybe I could find what it was that I fell in love with. I have no where else to go and no family to speak of. So either way I will be lonely. I am lost. He has been to rehab 5 times in 8 years, he quit AA and will not go back and he will not quit drinking. He has said so. Where can I go and keep my animals and have the one thing that makes me happy. the only living things that have stayed with me through this awful life I have created for myself. Please know that my husband is a kind person, he is never violent or mean. He is passive aggressive and it wears me out. I think it is just as painful as loud verbal bickering. I am the one that does that. I do not drink or smoke anymore. After reading this I am beginning to see that becoming a no drinker is common among people stuck in alcoholic relationships. I used to party a lot. Now, any smell of alcohol makes me feel sick. this has been going on since I got married. On our honeymoon, he had no money and I had to pay for everything. turned out he has a huge stash of pills and that is why he had no money. What is the matter with me. I do not have kids, it should be simple really. Just pack and go, but I am afraid and I have no idea of what. Except not being able to keep my animal babies.

  89. sandi on December 25th, 2008 12:24 pm

    hello to you all. it’s christmas day. the man i thought was my best friend and lover for 2 years, never called last night. the beginning was great. but, hindsight is 20/20. all the signs were there. i’m so glad his interaction with my children was limited. these men are text book alcoholics. as women we have the gift of intuition. we have to listen to that. we are as sick as they are and it’s up to us to get out of the relationship. the only way to change a relationship is to change yourself. i want each one of us to look down at your hand, then take the other and hold it. you are your own best friend. love YOU. take yourself and hold YOU. what would we tell our daughters if they came to us with the stories of a life with an alcoholic. forgive yourself and smile…..better days are ahead. be well.

  90. lamy on December 27th, 2008 12:33 am

    my fiance and I are on the verge of marriage, we’ve been together since two years and since i work and study overseas he always promised me to quit drinking because he loves me and he doesn’t wanna die young ( he knows he is a winno) 4 months ago he moved out to my place and now we’re living together, and i simply can’t take him any more, he drinks and insist on people to drink as well. i was happy and easy going but since he moved out, am so angry and stressed, and the harder thing is that i love him and i know he loves me back even more, and i wanna marry him more than any thing in the world, but as soon as i think of my commitment life with him when we marry, i get scared and frustrated and confused
    Plz people help me ! all i do is cry and i have more anxity attaks and am so desperate !

  91. laura on December 30th, 2008 2:56 pm

    wow… ok, deep breath… i have been married to an alcoholic for nearly three years and together for about five years. i have the same story as most of you… hiding drinks, sneaking drinks, dui’s, jail time, falling down stairs and cracking his head open as i hold a towel up to a bleeding head as the paramedics are on their way… all while my 4 year old is upstairs asleep… he was sober for 9 months, and i felt as if i had my life back, but he has started drinking again. he has been to three rehabs, and i always think he is going to stop, but he wont. he wants to go to counseling but to be honest, i think i am done. i told him to leave for a while as i get my thoughts together, but i dont think i am going to ask him to come back. coming back and being together while he tries to stay sober is just a short term solution. as i look at the big picture of what my life will be, i know that i would never trust him alone with my daughter and i know that i would never have a child with him. he is always on and off working, so i know he will never be able to support me financially or for that matter emotionally, which is more important. i am going to be one of those wives that leaves, and i am going to be proud of myself. i just have to do it. its hard, but when i think of what my life is going to be a year from now, i still see it being the same… constantly worrying… constantly crying… constantly wanting better for me and my daughter… to all of you out there try to find the courage to leave. i have wanted to do it in the past, but now i know it is the best decision. thank you to all of you that have listened to my story and thank you to all of you that have posted. it feels good to know that others are feeling like i do.

  92. Alissa on December 31st, 2008 6:01 pm

    Hi. I hope this website still exists. I have been married almost twenty years, and have two boys 9 and 12 years-old. They love their dad very much, but I don’t any more. He has put me through so much. I have thought about leaving him so many times before but just could not do it because I love my children too much, and did not want to lose my status – living comfortably on his paycheck. My husband tells me that he still cares about me and swears that he will not drink again, but I just can’t trust him any more and I know he will do it again.. I want to leave him because there are so many man out there.. I am 41 already, and don’t want to be a single at 45 or something.. Should I leave him even if that would affect the boys in many ways? or should I stay and be miserable for the kids’ sake… I feel so trapped.. Help..

  93. Shay on December 31st, 2008 11:26 pm

    Reading what others have wrote has hopefully given me the strength to do what I need to do- LEAVE. I’ve been with my common law husband for almost 7 years- we have 2 kids. I have put up with verbal abuse, financial instability, a constant emotional roller coaster the whole 7 years. He is a functioning alcoholic and can hold down a job but is just miserable to be with. The kids love him and I know leaving will be hard- emotionally and financially. My oldest child has developed a behaviour problem (oppositional defiance disorder) which I know is caused from the consequences of his drinking. He has made promises to quite, but he always breaks them. In hindsight, the best thing I could have done was 6 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with his child, I should have left him and raised my daughter on my own. I thought he would change when she was born, I thought the same with baby #2 but that never happened, he kept drinking. He blamed ME for his problems…it is always someone elses fault. He has some good qualities but those soon disappear when he starts to drink, he drinks at home and figures that since he is at home that it is ok. 12 beer or a bottle of wine every night is not ok. I wish I would have left years ago but my moment of clarity was about 6 months ago when we had about $20 to our name, I needed milk and diapers for our youngest child and you can guess what he bought- wine and cigarettes. We both work, have good jobs but I’ve lived to understand that it will never be enough for him, because of his addiction- he will always be broke. I am trying to put away money (which is really hard to do since we don’t have any extra) but I think of my kids and how he puts them #2, it breaks my heart. By leaving him I will be giving up many nice material things (they are owned by the bank anyway) and my credit will take a hit but I will be getting my FREEDOM. I want to give my kids a life, I truly believe that I will be a better person and parent by leaving him. Please don’t ever think you can change an alcoholic, because you can’t- as much as it hurts LEAVE and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

  94. Penny on January 4th, 2009 1:22 am

    Well, I am married to an alcoholic. I tried and tried to get help for him I bought self help books. I paid an outrageous amount of money for health products to make him feel better. Only to have him go out and drink after he took them. I have set up appointments for counceling., Only went once… Counceling through the church.. Once. I even was on the phone for a solid week getting him set up for treatment. They said he would have to be sober 7 days before he could go in. Because they didn’t have any medical staff there, and if he needed medication, they wouldn’t be able to help with that. So he went without alcohol to the 7th day. The day he was to go into treatment , He Drank…. Go Figure that one out!….. the first man I was with was an alcoholic, the 2nd a drug addict, 3rd Alcoholic… And I am going to tell you all something I have figured out.. It is us… We pick these men for a reason. and If we would get the help we need. Then I feel we wouldn’t pick these losers…I am going to be very clear with my husband. I want out of this marriage. I am threw negotiating with him. I am not trying to save him anymore. I am saving myself. No more agreements or expectations. He is not a person I can make agreements with. He is not a person whose future is predictable. He is for the moment., A hopeless alcoholic. And All We can really do is Save Ourselves…………

  95. sue on January 6th, 2009 7:00 pm

    i met my parnter just over two years ago, he had a job and a home and at first we spent alot of time out drinking together and i just ignored the signs of his drink “problem”. after a couple of months he quit his job and eventually lost his home too. he moved in with me despite the fact that he was violent and nasty i stayed with him. i know now that im with him because of m own insecurities. my first husband cheated on me lots of times and i realise im with this new partner now because it unlikely that any other woman would want him. he is a safe bet in that he needs me. i support him financially, he is unemployed, i buy his drink and his cigarettes and his pot. he lives in my home i buy his clothes, take him out, buy him gifts and try to be supportive with him quitting drinking and having relapses, a normal, sane, self respecting woman would not want him so i know he wont cheat. my son is 18 and he must be so upset watching what i am doing with my life but i feel too guilty to kick my partner out. he will have no one else. i am loosing my confidence, im in debt, im miserable and stressed but something inside me keeps saying “give him one more chance”. ive lost count of the number of times ive had to call the police and all my neighbours have all seen and heard his vicious, drink fuelled outburts. i feel so stupid for letting myself get into this situation. i wish i could walk away. both my parents were alcoholics and i think im “trained” for this life – its part of my codependency. i feel so weak and ashamed but i feel traped too cos im worried if i give up on him something bad might happen to him, the time i say its over might be the time it was going to start working out ok?

  96. trying2healjustlikeu on January 7th, 2009 12:59 am

    Dear all,

    Thank you for sharing your touching stories. I am so glad that I went through each and every email. I am finally gathering courage to leave my husband of two years. We were together for 3+ years. Yes just like some of you I married him in spite of knowing his alcohol problem. And the saddest part of all is I completed homeopathy training while I was going through this trauma. I just realized that if I want to be a healer, I need to heal myself first. He has utterly exhausted me physically, emotionally and mentally. I work as an engineer to support myself but lately I have been finding myself so exhausted to learn any new stuff. I love my husband a lot but I need to do what is needed for my soul’s healing.
    Sending all of you lots of healing energy, blessings and oxytocin hug.

  97. Tammy on January 7th, 2009 11:24 am

    I’ve read so many of your stories and each of them sound familiar to me in some sort of way. I think I am married to an alcoholic. But not the kind that goes to bars and stays out all night, the kind that drinks at home and is very adjusted. We’ve been married 17 years and have 2 beautiful girls. My husband is a good provider for his family and has never been physically abusive. He drinks 4 to 5 nights a week but doesn’t always “get drunk” (it takes alot to get him there). However, my children are beginning to notice and even ask, “Is dad drinking tonight?” It breaks my heart to see that he chooses drinking over spending time with his children and me. He can be very critical and says hurtful things when he drinks. I have begged him for years to stop but he thinks that he’s a grown man and should be able to enjoy his beer whenever he wants it. I have threatened to leave but it doesn’t effect him. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. I have been a designated driver for 17 years and now I am beginning to resent him. I hate being around him when he’s drinking but I love him when he’s not. Do I truly have a problem or is it just me?

  98. Ann on January 14th, 2009 5:04 pm

    I have been married for 22 years. I left my alcoholic husband November of 2007 and am now filing for divorce. I had threatened him many times it was me or the alcohol and he would promise me this was his last bottle, he will stop next week, etc. I believed him everytime and he was always lying and he would hide the bottles (gin) everywhere: house, garage, outside, in his truck, etc. When I finally left I had to leave my house and I went and got an apartment which I am still in. The house is in foreclosure, my credit is ruined and that all hurts alot but it is still better then living with the person I no longer know. It is a very sad thing and I do stil love him and probably always will but it was FINALLY time to think of myself and my son. Husband still drinks, lives with his mother, got a DUI and lost his job (over a year ago). I pray he does get better but he has tried (when I was with him) rehab and drank probably the day he got out. It is time to get my life back but it is slow and I do see a therapist which helps. It is hard to think of yourself once you have been an enabler for so long. The road to healing is going to be long but it is well worth it for me and my son. Good luck to all that are still in a relationship with an alcoholic and think they can never leave. I did it and thought I NEVER would.

  99. c on January 18th, 2009 5:52 pm

    The writing was right…I would not have found this site unless I was in a situation that led me here to begin with. I just passed 2 1/2 years with my spouse who is an alcoholic. He always says he wants to quit after there is a fight or an incident…I’ve fallen for it one too many times thinking that he would honestly change. It has come apparent now that the power of alcohol is too great and that I am not able to stick around any longer…I always get told “bless your heart for putting up with him.” I know people want to say they are sorry, etc. but I don’t want to be the person who has lost years of their life sticking around with someone that will not improve theirs. His problem has already caused problems for me with friendships (he embarrasses me really bad), problems at work and problems emotionally. It took me a while to get the strength to want to move on. I guess a part of me did not want to deal with the pain and stress of the divorce process and fear of his retaliation. But it is only getting worse and will get worse. I can no longer be victimized. I can no longer accept it from going on any longer. Getting out is going to be hard to do but it is my only option to get my life back. I wish luck to anyone in this situation who chooses to move forward to get their life back. Since I am in it I know it is not easy.

  100. Lynn on January 24th, 2009 10:02 pm

    Hello all! I posted Nov 19,2008. It’s a new year and a new beginning. Since I last posted- I met up with my alcoholic bf. Well not sure if we are still together. Sounds crazy-but we never broke up. He never gave me a chance too. He finally emailed me a few days before my bday and told me “happy early bday.” I was actually shocked he emailed me-s of course I emailed him back. I asked him to meet me so we can at least say good bye in person. He agreed. He was so angry when we met. He was there, but not there-I couldn’t see anything in eyes-that specialness we once held-the person I once knew-there was nothing. By that time I was seeing a therapist and I found out-what my problem was- I am codependent. OF COURSE! BINGO. So I told myself-ok I have a name for my sickness-how do I deal with this-how do I make myself to stop trying to “fix” him and fix myself. It is hard…..VERY hard. I love this man who love his bottle first…so sad, but I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. Everyone how is on this site is here for a reason. I SUGGEST YOU READ….”CODEPENDENT NO MORE-HOW TO STOP CONTROLLING OTHERS AND START CARING FOR YOURSELF” by Melody Beattie. This book screamed my name on every single page. If anything-pick up this book and the last and most important thing- is LET GO AND LET GOD. He has been here for every step of the way….. if you feel like you are alone-you are not. God is waiting with open arms. Don’t get me wrong-I still miss him and love him very much-but I love myself more. I need to let him go and let him live-he is an adult. When we had met- he told me straight out- I WILL NEVER STOP DRINKING- You can’t make me stop drinking-!!!!!!!!! Yes-he is right-I can’t make him stop drinking- if I didn’t read the book-I would of thought- “if you loved me -you’d stop drinking!!!!!!” Everyone- it’s not that he/she doesn’t love you- they are telling you-they don’t love themselves….if anyone wants to talk-email me. It’s good to talk to someone who is walked a mile in your shoes… :)

  101. laura on January 25th, 2009 8:27 am

    hello again~
    i posted on 12/30/08 and i have finally filed for separation from my alcoholic husband of 3 years. i cant believe that i did it, but i guess i am stronger than i think i am. since, then, i feel like i am able to breathe again. i dont have the constant worry about the unknown. i know what is going on in my life and i know that someone else is not out there controlling my every thought and consuming my life… even though my daughter is only 6, our times together now are relaxed and fun again. its a blessing…my only problem now is that he will not accept that i am leaving this marriage. after another failed suicide attempt by him, he is still texting and calling me and telling me that he loves me. hearing that makes me sick. i know that i am not in love with him anymore, but the best part is that i know i cant be. i know that i cant love someone that has this addiction. its too painful in so many ways.
    to tammy, yes i do think that your husband is an alcoholic. i know how you are hurting when he puts your kids second. i am so sorry that you have to go through that.
    again, thank you to all of you that have posted. when i see my inbox in my email and there are emails from all of you i feel hope and confidence that i have made the right decision. take care…as i am trying to do…

  102. Teri on January 26th, 2009 2:34 pm

    I couldn’t even read all of these descriptions…it was very revealing to me. I didn’t know that there were so many similar situations and so many people who could benefit from knowing each other and supporting each other. But, the alcoholic “partner” takes up so much of our energy that we don’t have the strength to seek and find support and drar the strength from it, to take care of ourselves.
    I identified with the story about the person who met up with their husband while they were both drinking. That’s my situation. The co-dependent behavior, the addictive personality both seem to be part of my personality. That’s what makes it hard to tell my partner that the drinking is excessive. After all, I did the same thing for 8 years, right along side of J.
    Now that I have decided that this life is not what I want, not satisfying, not fun, not even reasonably respectful, I find it everso difficult to just get out. I am not financially dependent, and I am capable of taking care of myself. I even have an apartment of my own that I have not “moved” into. It’s sitting there, all furnished…only things lacking are my clothes and my personal itmes…pictures and small items that I treasure.
    I hope to go there…soon…but the guilt is keeping me there, and the addiction to the addict is the biggest issue…I cannot imagine a life without this.

  103. Amy on January 29th, 2009 4:11 pm

    It is time. Everyone’s story is so much the same. So sad that we have to (or have) dealt with any of this nonsense. I have been with him for 10.5 years now and we have two young daughters (7 and 3). I have threatened and never followed through. After his binge he would apologize and say that was his last time and I always thought that it would get better. Maybe I just hoped it would. Throughout the years due to his drinking he has been in a hit and run (because he had no license and thought that would be better than getting a 4th DWI), we had to foreclose on a home, he lost numerous jobs, I have had 2 restraining orders on him, he rolled another vehicle (still without a license), and had many other legal issues. The girls have seen this all, seen his outrage when he is drunk. They have seen that he will just leave for a week at a time without calling once. The most recent times, they don’t even ask where he is – that is sad when it is just normal to them. So I would hope and pray that this time would be the last – that he finally means it – after all, I did not want to split up the family – and I would take him back. Now I am finally thinking that it does not matter if he gets sober, because no matter what he can never promise me that tomorrow it will not happen again. I have been with him since I was 20 and now I am 31. I will not waste anymore time unhappy. I have not been the best mother I can be, I have not been the best ME I can be. Since I have made the decision to finally go, it has been wonderful… yes the stresses of him is still there (we are still in the same house). But I can let them go. I will be out within the month. And never again will he disappoint me, never again will he use our bill money on Vodka, never again will I have to hide the car keys or my cell phone or my debit card. Never again will I depend on him to be there. Never Again! I am free!

  104. Deb McConnell on January 31st, 2009 8:02 pm

    Hi, I am so glad that I found this website……Usually I’m an outdoors person when I’m not working, so, it’s a good thing it’s cold and icy and winter and I was frustrated and found this website. I feel empowered already just by reading what others have shared and realizing I really am not alone…….I think that’s what gets you besides all the ‘crazy’ behavior is the feeling of being alone and that no=one else is going through this and how everyone else is happily married, etc……….and, what’s wrong with me? I now realize that there is no easy way out, but, to just, play it by ear, keep plugging along, and take it slowly as in it took me this long to get where I’m at and I know it’s not going to happen overnight to change everything, including myself………It’s almost we’re conditioned to think we’re going to help or ‘save’ this person and thus we get sucked in and keep holding on, but, the only thing that really changes is that it keeps getting worse……….Thank all of you who shared what a sexless, loveless marriage you’re in and it helped me because I’m about to turn 50, consider myself a catch and fun and loving and very giving and yet this man that I can’t seem to get rid of just keeps hanging around and thinks he ‘loves’ me when he’s not drank for maybe a day, and calls this love when we haven’t slept together in a year and half and he even hates to be touched or hugged and not much for conversation let alone support…………I am planning my way out and just landed a better job and gaining more confidence and believing in myself! I am not a doormat to be walked on……….How could God bless a union like this? Thanks for listening……….I don’t feel so alone and rejected now!!!!!!!!!!

  105. andrea mezouki on February 3rd, 2009 1:13 am

    hello everybody,

    get out as soon as you can, financially and emotionally. unfortunatly i am stlll in it.but i know the time is up. as soon i am financially stable, i be gone. it will never change.i take my responsiblity in having a part, that made it easy for him to be a drunk.
    it is truly tragic, to be with an alcoholic. what a waste of time and life.after it is over, we going to ask ourselve why did we stay, why did we put up with this BS..

  106. Mary on February 4th, 2009 10:39 pm

    I have loved an alcoholic for 11 years. We met in middle school, and of course he had a very difficult childhood. We dated through high school, then broke up when I went to college. After two years, we started dating again–of course, this was the time when everyone drank, so I didn’t pay any attention to his habits. Until they got worse. And worse. And he was drinking everyday–he was never, ever mean, whether he was drinking or not. He always had steady employment and worked hard to improve his skills. I think some women would be happy to have such a man, despite his drinking, and I have been incredibly happy with him…but there is a huge hole in him, which he fills with alcohol. He knows that he is an alcoholic, and he knows that only God can fill that hole, but he is too broken to let go of his control. He was arrested for a party fight 2 years ago, has been charged with multiple DUIs, and when he moved in with me he continually broke the house rule of no binge drinking. Of course he promised and repented so many times, and I love him so dearly, but I recognize now the differences between when our relationship is healthy and when it is not, between when we are happy and when we are not–and it all swings around his alcoholism. Tonight, I realized that we cannot go on. I know that he will not change, and I can’t handle the stress and anxiety any longer. One day, if he ever replaces the alcoholism with something genuine, I know he will be one of the most amazing men, and I only pray that he would be in my life then. I will love him always.

  107. jennifer on February 4th, 2009 11:13 pm

    its been 5 days since he got drunk while i was at work and could not find him. Our phone conversation that day keeps replaying in my mind. He was at the bar stating how ” he loves me and my kids so much he was gonna get the best job ever and take care of us”. After that he wouldnt answer his phone. Mutual friends said he was drunk at some bar. i showed up and he was in his ” out of control drunk rage” again. I told him not to come home like ive been doing for 2 years when he gets drunk and mean. Im a single mom with 2 kids, not his, and we live together. I feel awfull and wonder what really happens and worry every time i wont let him come home after his episodes. i cant handle him when he is drunk. he will not pass out, just keeps going on in a rampage. its like something happens to him when he drinks, another person. The things he does are unforgivable and mean. i always have him come back. Its always my fault in the begining and a day later he is sorry. its like i predict the future and im walking on eggshells when he drinks. i believe him that im not a good person. ive had a bad childhood and always find the ones with drug and alcohol addiction. He blacks out and cant remember peeing the bed or in the closet, or shoving me down, or giving me away at the seahawks game like a hoe to strangers, even cutting his wrists and leaving me a voicemail saying he is has offed himself because of me. in the end i take him back, so here he is calling and texing. blaming me, then to sorry and saying he wont drink again.i drink too and have been drunk before but i pass out. i feel like i should take him back and if we both never drink again it could work out. i dont know if i could never drink again to support him. i dont care alot about drinking but i do enjoy a few beverages with my man or friends now and then .ive stated i want a break but he wont listen. He told me if i wont let him back he is gone forever. thanks to this page im hoping i can stick to needing a break and wont give in to him right now. im not the one who gets out of control but why do i feel so bad for him? he sleeps in his car and gives me all these guilt trips. he is an ex marine and has ptsd. Im curious if he has a mental illness or is an alcoholic? both? he can go without drinking all the time but about once a month or so he will drink alot and get drunk and out of control. i know this is not the life i want for me and my kids. im so confused…and my phone keeps going off. is it me enabling him or me with my own problems that makes him turn on me when he is drunk? i feel like getting drunk myself just to make the days go by but i cant handle drinking to by pass time and for feeling depressed.i just want a normal family life, one my kids will tell their kids how good they had it. thanks to ur site and all these stories i have better hope for tomorrow.. i really need it at this minute cuz my new text says how much he wants to make things work and will quit drinking to have this family back. do i make him stay away till he proves this? do i help him get help? or do i turn my back for a break and hope he does what he needs to ? or walk away forever? ive been told to follow my heart but its always in pieces not working right after his episodes.the last thing i want is to be one of the women on here who had this go on for 10, 20, or 30 years.

  108. Mis on February 13th, 2009 2:05 pm

    UPDATE-I have been away from my alcoholic for just over 3 months,my depression has lifted,I am enjoying my kids and myself so much more than in the past.I just wanted to let all of you know that you can do it,the first step is the hardest but,not any harder than what you have been dealing with already.Good luck and God bless!!

  109. Teri on February 16th, 2009 9:47 pm

    I was with someone for 19 years. Yes I love him more than life it self. We had many break ups through those years. He on more than one occasion did time in jail for his drinking. I have lost track of the number of rehab stays he has had. The number of times I sat by his bedside while he was in a local hospital to detox. He would see things, have seizures, many issues when he quits. I have bathed him because he was to weak. He then to this date throws in my face I don’t have unconditional love for him. He did quit drinking for a long period of time to the point he was getting his license back, his car had a breath devise in order for the car to start. Once again he started drinking again. One day our teenage son was suppose to be watching his sister, him seeing his father sober my son decided to go with friends. That is the day I made my decision to leave. I had to search for my daughter and when I finally found them there was her father trying to get her to blow into the device. He tried again to stay sober to have his family back. He has started again. As with all of us this is not even the tip of the ice berge being with a drinker. I still cry I am so afraid that I will have to bury him. My childern are the ones I have to protect.

  110. sherry on February 22nd, 2009 3:16 am

    On a night when my husband has showed he has no interest in me . We had some friends come over. He is interested in every female but me in the party. This has been this way this we was married 15 years ago . I can not takeit any more. Some one said tonight that I am alway a good sport. I am not. I watch him with all the other girls and fall down druck. I am done with this after 15 years. He is drinking ever night.

  111. nancy on February 22nd, 2009 7:41 am

    I was reading about the life that Tammy is going thru, I too..have the same thing! We have been married for 10 years, I knew he likes his beer, that was ok..in the beginning. Ten years later, drinking all the time, just at the bars, in the garage, always planning his next adventure with the guys, coming home drunk and I look at him now with such anger and disgust.This is my second marriage, my first husband left me and my 2 children, so I was looking for someone to help raise my children and have a life for all of us, we had a child, and now she is 9 and asks me what time time does daddy come home from the bar tonight mom?That was my wake up call…..I have threatened him that we were gonna get seperated and leave, he says go right ahead, but when we try he breaks down and promises me things will change, I say ok and it lasts a week…then right back to the same thing.I even keep a log, day, amount of money spent, what time he came home, how he treated me…..showed it to him and he said I know I have a problem…deal with it. My problem is I have been, my 2 older children hate him and show NO respect for him and now they are older it is me and my 9 yr old, and we are looking for a place to live…..all I can say is be strong, and do it for yourself and if you have kids…do it for them, I dont want my kids to turn out like him…I need to checnge the path and show them there is better out there.

  112. Melissa on April 7th, 2009 12:43 pm

    Hi – Like other people posting on this website, I couldn’t believe what I found when I googled “when should I leave my alcoholic husband”. We have been married 15 years, together for 18. I met him in a bar, and our first date was in a bar, so I should have heard warning bells, but I didn’t. I had just gotten out of a painful relationship with another addict and SG seemed so nice. Actually, he is very nice when he’s sober, caring, loving to our dogs, concerned about how others view him. Unfortunately, he drinks most nights until he passes out on the couch. We now sleep in separate bedrooms because I told him he snores so loudly when he drinks that he keeps me awake. Instead of cutting down on or quitting the drinking, he sleeps in our extra bedroom most nights. We haven’t had sex in months, partly because he never approaches me, partly because I feel so angry and disconnected from him. He will make suggestive comments, usually when he’s been drinking, but then he doesn’t (or can’t) follow through. His parents (mother now deceased) are heavy drinkers and obviously condone his behavior. He brings wine, liquor and beer home and hides it from me (of course, I know where he keeps it). He lost his job of 22 years 5 years ago and blamed it on restructuring. However, he has a bad temper, and I suspect that he might have done something to get himself fired. No one from his former job keeps in touch with him at all, and he did have a few friends there. He has been self-employed for five years in seasonal work, and he refuses to get a job in the 4-5 months of winter when he can’t work outside. I make the bulk of the money and pay most of the bills. When he is working, I tell him I need $1500 per month from him to pay some bills; he’s reluctant to give it to me, but he does. About 4 years ago, we took out a home equity loan of $35000 so he could get into business with his brother. I had a bad feeling about the business venture but didn’t say anything because he was so depressed after losing his job. To make a long story short, the business tanked, and we lost $35000. I have managed to pay the debt down to $16000, but that’s still a lot of money. I have threatened to leave him twice, but both times, someone in his family died (!). It seemed like an omen, so I stayed. He cried both times and said he’d do better, but he’s gotten worse. If I call him at night when I’m out and need a ride, he’s too drunk to pick me up ( I normally drive, but I’ve had car trouble a few times). The most recent instance of not being there for me is one of the saddest to me. I work full-time and finally finished a 60-credit master’s program that took me four years to complete. Instead of coming to my graduation, which I told him about a month ago, he planned a trip to go away with his brother. Graduating is in 3 weeks, but he has no plans to cancel his trip. Some girlfriends are coming to cheer me on instead. I thought he knew how much this means to me (and how much it should mean to him, since I’ll be able to take a second job as a therapist), but apparently, he doesn’t care. (Ironically, I seem to be able to counsel others much better than I can counsel myself). I want to separate while I’m relatively young (45), but he won’t leave, and I pay most of the bills and the mortgage. I love who he was, and hold out hope that he’s still there under the alcoholism, but I feel like my life is being chipped away every day. He is oblivious to my feelings and probably doesn’t suspect how I feel (I told him before, and he knows I hate his drinking, but he is the Prince of Denial). I’m afraid he’ll crash and burn if I leave, and I’m afraid I’ll disintegrate if I don’t. If anyone has any advice at all, I’d welcome it. I’ve been to Al-Anon, I’ve read the Hazelden books, I’ve been through counseling, but I’m starting to realize the problem isn’t me. Alcohol is now SG’s wife.

  113. Ann Owens on April 21st, 2009 2:27 pm

    I left my alcoholic husband after 5 years of shear drunk. I was miserable, attended Al-ano, counceling, nothing helped me, I have a great friends circle, have great counceling, & looking forward to a brighter future than sitting in an upstairs bedroom all alone night after night listening to the drunk downstairs stumbling around. Am so happy to be out of that situation, I feel like a new person. I grieve for all our “first marriage dreams/plans/retirement future, but I have new dreams, a new life, and have my soul back. If you wonder should I leave or should I stay, Go, now, make your plans, & run, fast, & far away. You’ll be glad you did.

  114. Cathy Haney on April 28th, 2009 12:08 pm

    I have never reached out before this on a website. My heart goes out to you all. Could you please give me your opinion? I’ve been married for nearly 32 yrs to a person with a very addictive personality. He kicked the pot early on but replaced it with drinking. Over the years he has stopped off and on after my threats. Ten years ago I nearly left. He was so mean and nasty to me and everyone around him, clerks, waiters, you name it. I left him that Christmas and went home to visit with my parents. Eventually things got better but it took a long time to reconnect. We never have resumed our sex life. Things got bad again a year ago Dec. By then my elderly dad was living with us. I was leaving and taking him along with me to live in an apartment but he backed out at the last minute. I had to cancel the move and still owe the apt. complex nearly 4000 dollars because I signed a lease. My dad says that my husband doesn’t drink outside the house, makes a living and I should be grateful. Also, dad got lung cancer last May and beat that with chemo and radiation. It’s been tough. He’s nearly 84 and has other health issues. I work a full time job and take care of the both of them. My dad drinks heavily as well. Not eating much anymore, just wants to drink. I spend each night alone as the two of them pass out. I have no life but can’t leave because of my dad. This morning my husband asked when I had dyed my hair. I said Sunday and you helped me with it!!! He looked at me strangely. I said, “you don’t remember do you?” He shook his head no. He doesn’t remember LOTS of things anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions? My biggest concern is the care of my dad. I feel I can’t leave because of him. It is important not to upset him over this anymore. I know, I know, I’m being held hostage but it is what it is right now.

  115. Wendy on May 1st, 2009 11:57 pm

    I WILL NEVER EVEN DATE AN ALCOHOLIC OR ADDICT AGAIN. He was sober 15 years when I met him. I foolishly thought he would never drink again. I thought wrong and I lost so much, financially, emotionally, and physically. When I left him, finally, in August it was the last time. Not only had I dealt with him abusing Rx meds & secretly drinking, but his daughter & grandson consumed our lives. His daughter had a meth problem, and she basically abandoned her baby with us….$12,000 later, I said enough is enough. For you who wonder what will become of you, your lives, your issues….DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES. We come into this world alone & leave the same way. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else (your children). PUT YOURSELF FIRST & IT WILL BE HARD, BUT EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE. BE STRONG, KEEP YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY CLOSE FOR SUPPORT, AND NEVER LOOK BACK – JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD (just keep swimming, just keep swimming….Little Nemo). YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU DESERVE BETTER

  116. Katie on May 14th, 2009 8:07 pm

    I don’t know what to do. I am married to an alcoholic and he has relapsed. We just spent thousands of dollars to get him through rehab after he suffered a siezure (alcohol withdraw) and crashed his car into a convenience store. I have a young child, almost 1, and I can’t bare the thought of living like this anymore. I feel like if I leave it will truley kill my husband…last time I tried to leave he holed himself up in an apt and drank himself nearly to death. His family thinks they are supportive, but basically are not really helpful. I’m afraid to tell my family again because I don’t want to hear their opinions…I should go, I should stay…I don’t have the energy to hear it from them. This is so mentally and physically exhausting and I just need to vent really. This site is very helpful and insightful…thank you.

  117. Pam on May 16th, 2009 9:51 pm

    It is somewhat comforting knowing that there are other women in my shoes that know how I feel. My husband is also an alcoholic. I am disabled and trying to raise two teenagers by myself for their whole lives. He and his whole family are alcoholics and they hate me & our children because simply we are not alcoholics. I am in such pain daily – physical, mental, emotional, and just plain out exhausted!!!!! I am stuck with the house, kids, bills, dogs, and all of the other daily problems that come with a household. I need help with the house, kids, bills, and dogs and I really don’t have the money to spend to get the help. Husband lives with his alcoholic brother and has no responsibilities. I need his help, and if he does show up to help me, he is verbally abusive and ladies, guess what, everything is my fault according to him. But we know better, it is his drinking that is the problem. So bad on me that I am depressed and yelling at the kids. I am just so stressed out with everything on my back. Counselor says just get a divorce. Went to church and they just wanted my money and to abuse me also. I am one angry woman! But, I seem to blow up on the wrong people. If he is the alcoholic, then why am I so darn angry? Any suggestions ladies? I am at the end of my rope.

  118. Nancy Burson on May 17th, 2009 7:29 pm

    I was married to a alcoholic and verbal abusive man for almost 35 years before divorcing him. I left him in April, 1997 and we divorced in Feb., 1998 aftering an attempt at counceling. We had dated for 4 years prior to getting married and I knew he drank, and there were times when he would have made a date with me and then either not show up at all or show up late and be drunk and then I would drive him home rather than him drive as drunk as he was, so I can’t say I didn’t know it before we married, but I was only 21 and he was 25 when we married. Before we married when he wasn’t drinking he was attentive and fun to be with, he and his brother bought a small farm with a house on it and he ask me to marry him and I accepted, while we were working on the house I got pregnant, and he never once said anything about not thinking the baby was his until two weeks after we were married and then he came home one day and said the baby I was carrying didn’t belong to him. This crushed me and then when the baby was born and he had red hair (my husband had red hair) then he claimed him. I got pregnant the 2nd time when our first son was only 5 months old, and again I was told how this baby didn’t belong to him, this time the little boy I had had dark hair like my Dad and then he told everyone who would listen to him how this was not his child that he was raising. This son as a child and as an adult is built just like his Dad’s family, walks, talks, and has all of their characteristics of his Dad’s family, yet the day of our divorce his Dad proceeded to tell the youngest and oldest sons, who both have red hair that they belonged to him, but that the middle son didn’t. The middle son is the one who his Dad does the least for, but he is also the son that does the most for his Dad. I really thought as adults that my children would understand, but they all act as though I was the one that was in the wrong and after we have had a family get-together I am depressed and sad, when I go to their homes and I see pictures of the other grandparents at family gatherings I am hurt, no pictures are taken at our family gatherings unless I take them, and I always take a lot of pictures, but none of them ever say to me, Mom you get in the picture and let me take it. My kids hurt me so much each time I am around them, that I am thinking about making excuses when they call to ask me to babysit or to attend something my grandchildren are in, because they make me feel that I can’t do anything right, can’t say the right things. I have helped my children out each and every time they have ask, I have loved them unconditionally, but I am beginning to feel that the pain I feel after being with them is not worth it. I have survived a brain aneursym which caused a stroke and have had triple heart by-pass and I do not need all the anxiety and pain that I feel after being around them. I am very seriously thinking about cutting off all relations with them even though it would mean not seeing my grandchildren that I have longed for it seems like forever. I would like to talk to my children, but if the problems lie with their wives I don’t want to cause any problems between them. I truly feel that their Dad buys them material things that they enjoy having instead of giving from the heart, and they put a higher price tag on the material things.

    Any suggestions on how to handle this without cutting off all relations with my children would certainly be appreciated.

  119. laura on May 18th, 2009 1:32 pm

    hi again~
    this is my third time writing on this site, and each time i visit it, i feel so sorry for the people who have not left their alcoholic husbands/wives. i separated from my husband almost six months ago, and i feel the best i have felt in years. i am in the process of removing all of his belongings out of my house, and although it is somewhat sad, i am happy that i have made the decision to move on with my life without him. for those struggling with the decision, all that i can say is that is was the hardest thing for me to do but it was so worth it. i am no longer anxious all of the time, i dont have to be a mother to a 40 year old man, and i can honestly say that i can explore other relationships and go out with people that are not addicts. it is so refreshing to go out with a man that actually wants to pay for your dinner. its so nice to have a the same man tell me that he wil call me at night and actually have him call me. being stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic makes you feel like you will never know any different, but if you leave you will give yourself that chance. believe me, i tried sticking by his side for many years, but enough was enough and i had to get out. again, it was the best decision of my life. i am so sorry that some of you are not there yet, and thats ok, but once you are you will never look back. good luck to you all…

  120. Doreen on May 20th, 2009 12:59 am

    All my letters to my alcoholic (husband) we are not married but have been together 18 years have all started with ” I never thought that it would come to this but I’m leaving you if you don’t stop your drinking ” Has he stopped ? Only in my dreams. I’ve been to Alon meetings, counseling, prayer meetings, self help books, you name it, I’ve done it. Although all of those have helped me the last 14 years, I’m basically done. I’ve raionalized all the while I’ve been with him saying “well at least he doesn’t cheat on me and he doesn’t beat me. I can deal with it. He is a very caring, and compassionate person. He holds a steady job, and gives me his pay check but IT’S JUST NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE!!! Everyday I get closer to leaving him, but I have so much to lose. I can not see beyond that fact even though I know in the back of my mind that I have alot to gain as well. What am I waiting for? I don’t know, I have three wonderful kids, and I try to make it as normal as passible but they definately know what is going on. That is what scares me the most. I realize that should steer me in the right direction, but I know that if I do leave him, he will spiral even further down and leaving him will ulitimately kill him. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself, or worse will the kids forgive me? Please pray for me!

  121. Cynthia on May 25th, 2009 8:38 am

    Hi, wow, my eyes are tired after reading all this. Coldn’t stop. Our stories are all the same. Not our fault. My partner of the last two and a half years insisted that I assist him in his wild side or I must leave. So caring and attentive when sober. Two years later I have snorted cocaine and had threesomes and tried to meet this overgrown child where he has demanded in order to get my needs met. A decent home, a loving father, a good life. He’s a binge drinker, loses memory, pees in our bed. Sms women rude suggestions, doesn’t come home and of course, blames me for everything. But dare I threaten to leave, how he begs and insists on trying again and of his overwhelming love for me and belief in our destiny, blah, blah, blah. I finally ended the relationship on monday. He’s contrite and earnest, but I know, as I have always known, that him and I together will never reach his sobriety. Our relationship is damaged and it will always fall sideways. What a lovely man when he’s clear eyed, and how sad that those moments became so fleeting. No, my life and the life of my children is worth a damn sight more than living on fragile eggshells.
    I wish him well, and I pray to GOd that I never get involved with another addict again in my life, rather I be alone for ever!

  122. GL Mills on May 26th, 2009 11:40 am

    I am so glad I found this site..I to have similar situation as the rest of you and do feel very alone. My husband is bipolar and a alcoholic. The verbal abuse, the selfishness, the constant “bitching:”. He used to be tolerable when he wasn’t drinking but now he is starting to become a chronic bitch when sober. He owns his own company so he never has to go to work, the pattern is sleep all day and party all night. I work full time and go to bed but he sits and drinks and comes to the bedroom at all times of night yelling and screaming about everything and anything. I guess its just nice to be able to talk to someone that knows what I am living.

  123. Greta on May 28th, 2009 5:42 am

    I broke up with my partner of almost three years, last monday. We still live in the same house. He has a daughter and I have two sons. We have managed to keep the home ok (I would never dream of using “normal” – the kids have been affected) I am codependant, spent three months after suicide attempt going through rehab for it, OCD, eating disorder, etc. that was three years ago after my ex left me shattered. An i walked straight into this relationship thinking I was ok, clear, wow! I guess I don’t need encouragement, I couldn’t be more sure. Just know from passed that it is vital to stay in contact with people who can warn me if i start to slide. So, I need a sponsor. I need someone I can talk to and get advise from. My “housemate” tries to engage me in a lets get together, do this as a team for the children” talk every day and every day I have to say no. Today the florist arrived with choc and roses. He’s in the programme again, taking anti deps and anti booze and NONE of it matter s to me – I AM OUT!!! It is lonely here.
    Thanks for letting me share.
    And any of you that can see the sunrise and now that it should be beautiful Run NOW!

  124. Andrea on May 31st, 2009 11:03 am

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, about 8 months ago we moved in together to a house I bought on my name. The last six months he has started drinking heavily and gotten verbally abusive, always putting me down or blaming me for drinking problem. Whenever I refuse getting him more beer, coz he cant drive or walk to the liquor store, he starts a fight and always threatens to leave the next day, but he doesnt. I’ve got really tired of this emotional rollercoaster that happens about 3/week. Althought he recognizes this is an alcohol problem, he refuses to do anything about it. I have never lived with an alcoholic before, nor there were alcoholics in my family. I feel I have deserve better. I dont want to move out of my house, how can I make him move out?

  125. Shay on June 27th, 2009 4:42 pm

    Update- I posted at the beginnning of 2009. I am secretely planning to move out of the house and take the kids next month. I recently went bankrupt because of the financial strain my spouse’s drinking put on the $ situation. Bankrupty, has given me a chance to walk away from all the joint debts I have with my spouse (yes the house mortgage), and start over. My parents are going to help support me while I get on my feet. I am leaving an awesome job, and I don’t have any work lined up yet for where I’m moving. I am scared but I already know that there is no future in staying, he has shown in the last 7 years that he will keep drinking. My children and I deserve the chance to take control of our lives and leaving (however hard it may be) is the only way for things to get better. Big hugs to everyone else going through this!

  126. BARBARA on June 30th, 2009 2:05 pm

    I am so thankful for this site. I can see you are all going through the same issues with an alcoholic spouse. Yes, they are good when they are not drinking and make all kinds of promises but this is NOT the life I want anymore. This is my 2nd marriage and it’s been almost 20 years I’ve been with my current husband. (I’m 55, he is 62) No kids of our own but we have grandkids and dogs. I work full time and he wants to retire. I know if he “retires” he will stay home and drink. I kicked him out once, he promised he would not do it again. He got a DUI after that, and he promised he would not do it again…….so……..a few weeks ago he took Nyquil with pain pills from his root canal. Ended up calling 911, I thought he had a stroke. He promised he would not do it again…….he still drank on and off for a few days after that. Saying he had to “wind down” from drinking.” That was the final straw for me………… I sent him to live with his daughter…………….when that didn’t work anymore I sent him away to his own apartment. We can’t afford the expense but I can’t afford to have him live with me anymore. I deserve better. I’d rather be alone than go through this for another 20 years. I’ve had enough. I’m going to seek counseling, get my confidence back and seek the support of my family.

  127. John on July 19th, 2009 1:01 am

    Well this time it’s not the gal leaving. I’ve been dating a great woman (when she’s not drunk/high) for about 2 months now. It’s tearing me up inside watching her do some of the things she does, as well as the things I dont see but find out later on. It hurts like hell! I’m sure you all know that though. When we met, she was going to church and had 2 wonderful kids. My daughter and them played and got along very well. However, things have gone to crap. She calls ex-boyfriends that are her old dealers and I have have a sick feeling that she maybe be trading sex for drugs…. since she has no money or job. Her parents have taken her children due to an attempted suicide a few days prior to us meeting….damn! just a few days before. Wish she had my # to call me that day. I don’t know for sure if she would have, but God how I wish the slight chance would have been present…. I think it’s time to leave now. She’s thinking of stripping as a job which will only turn this situation to worse. I know from AA and Ala non meetings that, and remember this all, “I CAN NOT FIX HER”. I have never drank,smoked, or done any illegal drugs in my life. I’m 35 and 1/2 German and 1/2 Irish….and never drink,lol. I never hear the end of that one :) I find text messages and phone calls to strange #s anywhere from midnight through 4am on her cell phone as well as calls to/from her home. I can’t take the lies, deceit, and God only knows what else…. I will pray for her every chance I get as well as for all of you. Your life stories will be rememered and will stay in my heart. I wish all of you the best on your new journeys. Me, I like to think of myself as a simple pawn on a chessboard. Gods playing chess and is positioning many pieces. It will take a while for a simple pawn to make it across the board and reach the other side. But when I get there…..I’ll have a Queen waiting :) Good Luck to you all! You’ll be in my prayers….

  128. marty issel on July 25th, 2009 7:02 pm

    Whoa! I am reading this blog, with a wine glass in my hand! I have read most of the blogs, totally in tune with what is going on. My marriage has been of over 40 years, and the pain, and expectations, and longings, and sufferings, and not letting go are so familiar to me. Years ago, being in the same situation as most of your bloggers are now, I can only give them a little bit of comfort.
    I really believe that I should have left the relationship. But, because I am such a sucker for everlasting love (my parents were divorced, and my mother abandoned me), I felt that whomever I marry, it will be forever. Well, I did marry a guy, the love of my life, who made lots of money, never shared it with me, cheated on me, travelled first class everywhere he went, (never with me or my kids), did his own thing, on his own terms, and here is the end result. I am still married to him! He did become a good grandfather, because of my constant urgings. In essense, I made him look good. I am not a martyr, by any means. I am just a woman in love, who will do anything for her man, over looking her own needs. I sound almost desperate, so pathetic, because i am not strong enough to break this cycle. Please, some insight into my pathetic self-what (abuse!) syndrome would be welcome

  129. lori on August 4th, 2009 11:41 am

    I’ve been with this guy for almost two years, living with him for one of those years. In the last year he has been in detox 4 times and finally just checked into rehab. But he only went to rehab because i told him I was leaving. He is not abusive, only to himself. But the drinking is so bad we never do anything cause all he wants to do is drink and sleep. I don’t know if i can handle staying anymore, I also know if I leave while he is in rehab he will check out and get worse so what do i do

  130. Susan on August 19th, 2009 1:16 am

    My turn to share. I’ve been married 15 years to a functional alcoholic (he has a good job, 6 figure salary0. My husband’s drinking is getting worse. Trouble is, I drink more too but not as bad as him. When I’m with him, I either ignore his drinking or join him. When I’m away from him, I can stop after 2 glasses of wine, or not have any. Last Dec. we were both drunk; I feel and broke my arm. Bad!

    My husband is an ignorer. It hurts to know he’d rather drink than spend time w/ me. He usually passes out on the floor every nite. I wish he’d want sex but he doesnt. I’m afraid to set out on my own at age 56.

  131. C on August 20th, 2009 5:52 am

    Hello. I am writing a follow up from my first post that I had made on the 18th of January 2009. As difficult as it was, I had made the move and got out of the marriage. As soon as he was served the papers, he had already moved onto personals sites within a week and lives with a lady 15 years older he. With no intentions of seeking treatment, he is thus continuing the hellish cycle for someone else while he continues with the drink. Looking back on everything, it was apparent that disease and lack of love for himself will make it difficult for him to love anyone as the pull to the drink was far to powerful.
    While things are different and the house is quiet , I am glad I stuck with what I said I would do. For anyone who is capable and able to move on I highly encourage it.! You are too good of a person to have to deal with the lies, claims that create false hope, cheating and emotional abuse that comes with this!
    Sure, there are some things I miss but over all, it is a healthier environment and I am much better away from it. I can now focus on re building friendships with friends and family and begin the healing process for my self.
    C

  132. Michelle on August 20th, 2009 11:45 pm

    So…. most of the blogs realate to me in so many ways! I’m married to a achol. as well for now 4yrs. nothing has changed but only has gotten worse… If u can think of it I’ve done it…Its so bad now that for the last 3 yrs when he sobers up he hits D-tox! He has full blown seziures, over and over till i can get him help with medical.. So yeah he sobers up for 2 days then hits its again for 3 days straight. Its so bad I have to leave my home and go knockin on my parents door late at nite just to go too bed! We r really young were both only 27. Once he tried to Kill he’s self I got the gun from him and shot off his finger.. Omg that has so done something too me and my life. He had to have that fixed so I told what happened and he hated me for that told me He was leaving me that I should have lied about it. He was sent to Rehab Which was a joke… He was done detoxin but that was all he need to be sent for some kind of after help…But he wasnt he was sober for 7 months and then relapsed.. I Care for him Not as a wife but as a close friend or something diff..I feel bad to think I want to walk out on him but I cant handle the drinking anymore! i’ve tried all the medical treatments for add… so now what walk away! How do I mental prepare myself for what might happen? How do I get out? Do I walk away and leave everything?

  133. Teri on September 4th, 2009 9:45 pm

    Michelle you are so young honey save your self. I have been in this mess for 20 years. I know to well about the seizures rehabs the emotional roller coaster ride. Just recently he was back at the rehab and the day I decided to visit was what is called recharge Sunday. Former clients who were still clean came back to speak. Advise from them was to go and live your life. We didn’t make them addicts we can not fix them. However they will destroy us if we let them not that they want to. He just recently asked me if he was to much for me. Well at first I said no, hell after everything I had already been through, but when he came to visit I found myself tensing,hiding my car keys and money, wondering why he was making so many trips to the rest room etc. I should have gotten out in my 20′s. I believed in him and look where I am. Broke and riding the same roller coaster. I hope this helps u a little. Good luck dear.

  134. Kelley on September 10th, 2009 10:04 pm

    Cynthia…your post could be mine. I too have found myself doing horrible things I didn’t want to do in a sick attempt to connect with my alcoholic husband. I finally left him on Monday after 6 years of identical circumstances. I still feel guilty and sorry for him though. I have to fight every day to not go back out of pity. I keep remembering the good times but i have to force myselft to remember that at the end of those good times he was usually trashed and calling me a whore…and peeing the bed. As I type he is texting me saying things I would love to believe, but I have been here before. I have never felt the resolve I feel this time though. I am done. This makes me deliriously happy and devastated all at the same time.

  135. chilled on September 12th, 2009 7:16 pm

    I’ve never contributed to a blog before. I have been married 19 years from the age of 19 and NEVER Ever wanted to be a divorcee statistic. I love my husband completely but he loves alcohol more then me and I am so tired of being second best. We have three children, all teens, 1 now an adult and they have witnessed alcohol related incidents that no-one should be subjected to.
    I have threatened to leave a million times, sometimes even left, but always come back, because I love him.
    The last incident was two months ago and it involved our adult son, I thought that was his rock bottom but he has been secretly drinking and lying – I always thought he was brutally honest with me but I have now discovered that he can lie exceptionally convincingly, so how do I ever trust him again. I CAN’T do this anymore, It is over for me but I love him – how do I stop loving him, it hurts so much. I feel like a little girl as I type this heartbroken, yet I am almost 40 years old and feel as though the last 20 years of my life have been wasted. Don’t even know why I wrote this :(

  136. Peggy Van Acker on September 20th, 2009 3:16 pm

    I am deeply confused and sad. I cannot beleive that al lmost all of the comments on here are to leave and save yourself..I have been looking for approval to do that. I have been in a abusive relationship, physical and mental for allmost 9 years..I threw him out 2 1/2 weeks ago..I am going thru unbeleivable pain right now..he is on his ninth dui over a 15 year period..he has to appear in court on September 23 for sentancing..the DA reccomends 9 months in jail and fines ,probation and rehab..it is devastating..I reported him last time because he hit the house with his truck, slapped me and broke my crystal glasses by smashing my windows in my kitchen..I have begged him so many times..he calls me a fucking bitch to my friends for him having to go to jail now..says it’s my fault..I know in my heart it is a matter of time before he kills someone..including me with his drunken rages and driving..his mother bailed him out last time..cost $12000.00 Yes we are broke..the legal fees have taken most of our money. After reading these stories..I feel like running not walking from him. Pray for me to not let him back..I need strength.

  137. marie on September 26th, 2009 10:04 pm

    Hello to you all. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 5 years. I am about at the end of my rope but i just dont know what to do. He brought me over here from a different country and i dont have any family except for his. His family is very supportive of me. I want him to leave the house but he wont because his name is on it too. But i feel like he owes me a roof above my head since he brought me in this country. I dont make a lot of money but i make enough to pay the mortgage and the bills by myself. He is unemployed and could not keep a job if he does have one…. I dont know if any of you can give me an advice about my situation. I really want to kick him out of the house. What should i do?

  138. Dianna on October 5th, 2009 10:09 pm

    I can so relate to all of the comments.
    I am a recovering cancer patient and I have been married forever. My husband was a recovering acholic and did really well when I went through chemo. Now that I am going through radation treatments and I am eating and feeling better all hell is breaking lose. He is so drunk that he can’t function most of the time. I know a lot of this has to do with him not working (can’t keep a job).
    I am at my witts end! I don’t really want to leave him but at the same time I don’t want to keep going through this. I would really appericate any insight anyone can offer.

    Take care

  139. BARBARA on October 12th, 2009 8:34 am

    Dianna, my heart goes out to you for two battles you are fighting. #1 your cancer, #2 living with an alcoholic. Both of these things can kill you. Your husband should be there to help you right now, and NOT be making things worse. Have you been to counseling? It has helped me tremendously. I can say this, if you have put out such a courageous battle against cancer, you are a very strong minded woman. Do not under-estimate yourself. Surround yourself with people that encourage you, not discourage you. Don’t feel sorry for him, this is his problem to solve. My husband has been sorber for 3 months now but only AFTER, I told him I wanted a divorce. This is not something you can bluff your way out of, you have to mean it and he has to hit rock bottom.

    You beautiful woman should spend your time and energy on recovery for yourself. Please put yourself first because he will not.

    Barbara

  140. vanessa on November 9th, 2009 12:17 pm

    My husband is an alcoholic and admits it. We have been married almost 10 years now. We married when we were 18. We have a 5 year old beautiful daughter. He drank and started the physical abuse before we married. Everything is worse than before. He still drinks, he smokes marajuana and sells it, and snorts crushed up prescription pills. He truely has a problem.I have threatened many times to leave if he don’t change. He makes these promises and changes for a week and then goes back to his habits. His friends are constantly coming over and they hang out outside while me and my daughter wait for him to come in to spend time with us. He nevers takes me on dates or stuff to do for the family. I feel like he doesn’t wanna spend time with us like doing fun stuff. We are always being pushed second in his life. I might sound selfish but I feel that my daughter and I should come first. Im so tired of his broken promises. I just can’t take it anymore, but he cries to me saying that he needs me and he can’t live without us. He has threatened to kill himself many times if I left. I just can’t live with that if he ever went through with it. I feel that we are possessions to him. He says he loves us over and over yet he puts no effort into showing us how much he loves us. Words are only words. He is the only man I’ve ever been sexually with and he accusses me everytime someone talks to me. He even has made some comments about our daughter not being his. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart is telling to move on but I’m so worried what it will do to my daughter, and worried about the house we are buying. I’m not sure if I can financially make it on my own. We have too many bills. I feel like he has this power over me and its his way everytime. Just last week we were fighting and I got mad and threw my ring at him. He got furious!! The look in his eyes was scary. He came at me with his fist in the air. I screamed and cowered into a ball and covered my head with my hands and arms. He didn’t touch me, thank GOD. I told myself that he nor any other man will ever make me feel like that or put their hands on me again. Through our 11 years together(dating 1 year-married 10 years) he has punched me, bit me , pulled my hair, pushed me down, tried to make me cut him with a knife, spit on my face, all several times. I don’t even know him. I don’t even like being around him anymore. I truely don’t even know if I even love him anymore. I’ve been hurt so many times. I don’t want this unhealthy realtionship with him, and I know the tension, yelling and fighting is not healthy for our daughter. I wanna leave but I just don’t know how. I try telling him how I feel but he turns it around on me. There is just no talking to him. He always criticizing instead of complementing. I know if have made my misktakes in the past like talking to another man. My husband found out and has never trusted me since. He constantly brings the other man up. I would talk to the other man on the phone and did no more than kiss. That was 3 years ago. I stayed to make this marriage work and to keep this family together but its not going anywhere. I just don’t know what to do….

  141. Teri on November 10th, 2009 10:07 am

    Vanessa hon my heart goes out so much to you. I have raised two childern living with an alcoholic . It would be so much better for you and your child to leave now while she is stil young. I can tell you none of this is easy. I left when my third child was six. I can already see the difference between her and my oldest two. For both of your mental well being I strongly suggest living now. Honey God be with you.

  142. Jen on December 1st, 2009 5:01 pm

    As I read all these comments about husbands and alcohol, I too can relate. Unfortunately, my husband and I have been married just OVER a year and have been together for more than 8 years on and off. I knew he drank when I married him, I didn’t know how out of control he would get later on in our marriage. After two weekends in a row of him not coming home, I asked him to go to marriage counseling. He wanted none of it. I asked him to apologize for his actions, he denied any wrong doing. I began going out to the bars with him, because I wanted to spend time with him and show affection, but not only did that backfire on me, it made matters worse. After a drunken night, and him degrading me, I decided it was best for a separation, and moved out. Now that I have been moved out two weeks, he won’t speak to me at all. He told his family (whom I’m close with) that I abandoned him and he only wanted a week of thinking things through. I know I can have an attitude, I know I can be a bitch, but after everything I put up with, I felt moving out was the best thing for me. Now, I feel if our marriage doesn’t work, it’s going to be all blamed on me. Any words of advice or encouragement would help. Or if anyone is in my similar situation, I would love to talk about it. I honestly want my marriage to work, but this Co-Dependent person I have become, I absolutely hate. I did what I had to do, to get strong, gain my confidence back and know I am worth it. I hate feeilng like I was in the wrong. Thanks for reading! God Bless!

  143. Linda on December 15th, 2009 8:33 pm

    The other day when I sat down at my computer I was looking for someone to tell me everything that was happening in my life.Was not just happening to me.I have lived with an alcoholic for 22 years it has been the hardest 22 years of my life.I sit and I cry and pray that God gives me the strength to get out.If you live with an alcoholic it will never change. I’m now 47 and wondering why I stayed in this horrific world of alcoholism when I’m not an alcoholic.Jen I feel your pain because everything that happens in their world is always blamed on you. The alcoholic never excepts responsibility for anthing that they do.They are never really sorry for what they do.The degrading will go on forever.I can only say this from experience.I love my husband too.I always wanted everything to be great in my marriage.We have a son that is now 19.He loves his father but he doesn’t want to be around him.I would like for things to change .if I even try to carry on a conversation with my husband it ends up in a arguement. We have a business that I invested in but according to him,He is the only one that did all the work so therefore It is no longer our business it is his.Alcoholics are the most selfish people you will ever meet.I have done lots of research on this disease.Until the alcoholic comes to terms with their problem they will never be normal.If the drinking continues it will only progress with more degrading an verbal abuse it doesn’t get better it gets worse.The hardest thing to do is to walk out that door.So to all you lady’s and men dealing with a relationship that involves alcoholism set yourself free,Please do not punish yourself the way I have for all the years. God Bless you all.

  144. Bridge on December 16th, 2009 4:07 am

    Haiku to the alcoholic enabler:

    The alcoholic
    drinks into winter … but I
    painfully stand by

    Haiku to the alcoholic:

    Breath by breath end comes
    Feeling nothing hurting others
    So the seasons go

  145. Shelly on December 16th, 2009 8:32 am

    I just moved out this week and my heart hurts so bad. He is a nice drunk that is what makes this so hard. He has a child with CF and I have had her since she was 4 now she is 14. He will not llet me have her but I have a 12 year old that I had to get out. He never puts his hands on any of us but everyday he drinks at least a 12 pack. He tells me that I’m crazy that I.m going through the change. I started believing and relized that I wasn’t crazy I was just going bc of him. I so scared of what will happen to him and his daughter but I pray this wakes him up and he gets help!!!!!! Lost and scared in TN

  146. Sandy on December 17th, 2009 7:58 am

    Wow… Crazy how so many of us go through the same type of life… To Jen, I can relate to the blame, the accusations of “abandon”, everything always relies on me. That’s just the immaturity going along with the alcoholism, and what makes it worst is that often his family will agree with him, and even encourage him to blame me… They even told him it was because of me that he was drinking!!! How sick is this? How can he be sane after growing up in that unhealthy environment? I walked away six months ago and until today had not made a decision to really end it. But all these posts are signs we can’t ignore. What also motivated me is that I know that staying won’t help HIM either. He has to hit bottom to be able to get up. Will he or won’t he, I can’t control… Time will tell. I wish him only the best, he is just a sick person who needs recovery… but unfortunately I can’t stay with a sick person who is not trying to heal himself, only makes me sick myself…

    To Marie, I would say even if he brought you in this country, that doesn’t mean you can’t be treated with respect. It shouldn’t be a factor, and I’m sure deep down inside you know this…. Care for yourself and remind yourself you are not doing him a favour either by staying and enabling him. And since you seem to have a job and make money, run while you can!! I am terrified and devastated, but I finally come to understand I have to do this, for myself… Think of what you would tell a best-friend who comes to you with this problem… and then apply it to yourself.

    Courage to all of us, recovery is a long road, but so rewarding…

  147. Katie on January 17th, 2010 1:55 am

    I read the posting from Jen Dec 1 and it really spoke to me. My husband’s reputation preceeded our meeting, and I knew what I was getting into when we initiated a relationship. Two years later, we married during a brief 9 month period in which I was able to persuade my husband to quit drinking. Shortly after our wedding, he resumed his habits and, as is common with alcoholics, the problem has progressed over the susequent three years. I am angry with him for his lack of discipline, but I am also angry with myself for not advocating for myself and avoiding this whole relationship alltogether. I know that he is addicted to alcohol and that his choice to continure to drink is not personal – but it sure does affect me on a personal level.
    Be aware, that alcoholic’s can be very charming and wonderful people in their sober state – it’s very difficult to deny a person’s goodness and potential even when they are at their worst. I want to believe that most people – especially those with whom I am in love – are inately good and I foolishly allow myself to bask in the fantasy of the “good times” (past -present – future) even in the midst of dealing with a drunken tirade.
    Jen – you have done the right thing. I made that choice only 15 days ago, and I know that I have too. I have been confronted with third party recounts of the horrible things that my husband is telling other people about me (he’s drunk dialing them mind you) and how he is blaming me for our separation. I even have his mother at my heals offering to pray for me to be able to deepen my commitment and love for her son and find a way to honor my marriage vows.
    The thing is this – as brutal as this situation is to deal with…I am having to accept the real possibility that my husband will continue to choose alcohol, and that this relationship will end in a legal divorce. I also must accept that he cannot accept the blame – of course not – he’s in denial that he even has a problem; therefore, it must be me that has caused such discourse in our relationship for whatever my reason.
    I tried the rolling along to the bars and drinking along with him thing….I found that he was immune to hangovers and I was not….we also experienced terrible intoxicated arguments to which I could not be sure the next day that I did not initiate because I’d also been drinking. It just doesn’t work to try to join the alcoholic.
    I’m now assuring myself that I am exhibitting my most loving behavior ever by respecting my husband’s free will and leaving him to determine his own life changes. I want him so much and I miss the good things about him so much that it takes my breath away…but I just can’t live with a ticking time bomb (nor can my two children) any more. We can’t control our husband’s choices and, yes, we risk a complete loss of the relationship, but we’re obviously both at points where we cannot subject ourselves to any more of the drunken antics. I don’t worry, now that he’s moved out, if I am going to come home to the drunk and I go to bed at night knowing that I will not be awakened in the midst of my slumber with a verbal assault (because he’s been drinking alone once the family is asleep) of all of the ways that I have failed him and our relationship – those are just thinly veiled attempts at blaming his drunkenness on me. I cancelled our couple’s counseling – I believe that without our agreement with regard to abstainence from alcohol we have no basis to resolve other relational issues. The drinking really is the deal killer.
    I’m sorry you all are going through the pain caused by alcoholism. The good news is…my therapist tells me that it’s a mistake we rarely make twice.

  148. Rachel on February 7th, 2010 7:04 pm

    I have been with my alcoholic partner for 4 years. We have one daughter who is three years old.

    I split with my partner when my daughter was 6 months old, and he moved out of the home and into his own flat. We got back together a few months later, although i have not let him move back in.

    I have dealt with his alcoholism by sending him home if he turns up drunk. He admits he had a problem but will not stick to any help he has been given.

    I am really at the end now, i have told him that unless he admits himself to re-hab we will split for good.

    The saddest thing is our daughter cherishes him and he does her when he is in his sober state. But i am so scared of the effect that his problems will have on her.

    I want to run away with her so that she cannot be hurt. I wish i had a magic button to press to make him better. He has never been violent and i totally believe that he loves us with all his heart, as we do him.
    Toady is Sunday and he has said today that he is going to the Doctors tomorrow – i dont belive him, Its so hard to leave someone who has two different personalities. A loving sober side and an uncaring selfish drunk side.

    I wish you all luck and im sorry that my story doesnt offer help or inspiration – it just offers my thoughts from my heart. I always follow my heart and it has gotten me nowhere. Im heartbroken if i stay or if go i lose the love of my life.

  149. Cindy on February 16th, 2010 4:23 pm

    So, here’s the thing. My husband of almost 10 years (2nd marriage) has a problem. He lies about his drinking. I tell him all the time, it’s not your drinking that bothers me, its that you lie about it, and hide the bottle.
    I keep asking myself should I stay or should I leave, and how do I do this if I decide to leave. This would be marriage number 2 I would leave. Feel like such a failure. Ugh.
    Cindy

  150. Cynthia on March 4th, 2010 8:13 pm

    I left home a few months ago, after a nine year relationship with somebody whom I would now call an alcoholic (took me nine years to figure it out… no joke).

    I guess I was in denial. Only recently have I realized that what I am dealing with is actually alcoholism. Hits you right in the face. What I have issues with is accepting this faith. I am mad that my dreams as I imagined them will never be. I am mad that this disease is taking away the only person I’ve ever truly cared about. He is my baby, my best friend, my only joy. The only thing that really drives me. And now, 6 months after I’ve left, I realize how empty life is. And I wonder… should I go back?

    According to these stories, no. But what’s life once you’ve lost the only thing that mattered to you? Every day is gray and empty. I feel dead inside. I want to go back. But not to the alcoholism. I feel this is a catch 22.

  151. Red on March 20th, 2010 6:41 pm

    My husband is a retired Corps Man. He was in Nam for 9 mons. I met him 11 years ago. My friend said that Doc does not drink as much since he met you. At that ime I was not a big drinker, but liked a couple of cold Beers on the weekend once in a while. We dated for four years befro we married. I hada son from another relationship and knwe Doc liked his Beer, but wanted to be sure I knew what I was getting into. The first year and a half was good, then my husband began to distant himself from my son and I. So, I mentioned moving out with my son. I have lived on my own for the last five and a half. During that time, my husband went down hill. He would not clean his house and trash was everywhere. He would not even pick up the dog shit in the living room. I cleaned his house six times, then said no more. He went from Beer to Scottch. I kept telling him he was cliniclly depressed. It took three yeas for him to finally go the the VA. He was diagnosed 70% PTSD and Bipoler. He now takes antidepressents and continues to drink. Now he has no reason to be social. I do not see much of him. He does not offer emotioal support, sex, or financial support. I have watied for him to get better, but I just do not see that happening. I feel it is time to move on, divorce? I don’t know.

  152. Bonnie on March 26th, 2010 7:59 pm

    Wow! Where do I begin? I met my husband 21years ago and have been with him ever since. We were 16 when we met. We had our first son 2yrs into our relationship and then had a stillborn daughter 4 yrs later. Our youngest son was born 2 yrs later. My husband has been to many inpatient as well as outpatient treatment centers and has had no luck! The past 10 years have been really bad.

    My husband holds a very good job and is the money maker in our house. He has had 3 OWI’s. Everyday when he gets home the drinking begins and does not stop until he passes out…this is daily.. On the weekend he starts about 11am and again does not stop until he passes out.

    He is very verbally abusive and sometimes gets physical. My boys and I want to leave but my draw back is that he is the one with the money… I dont have the money to be able to move out. I dont have anyone that can help me financially.

    My second issue is… and this might not sound normal to some of you but I went right from my parents house to my husband. I have never been alone. Can I do it alone? It has to be better then being here and being called every name in the book daily and having beer dumped on me and him spit on me. He is a very mean and disgusting person.

    When he is not drinking which is not often at all. He can be a GREAT person.. but that is so seldom anymore.

    I want out but need assistance. I have looked around my area but come up with nothing.

    Can any of you offer any advise of any resources that can help me?? I just need help with a security deposit and first months rent and then I will make it from there.

  153. Lou on April 7th, 2010 10:45 pm

    I have just read every post, wow, we are something aren’t we. I am sitting in a downstairs bedroom alone after one of my husbands latest rages. Really something stupid, I told my daughter to put the bacon grease in a coffee cup until it cooled then she could put it in the garbage. My husband flipped out, he is the only one that drinks coffee and it is a total lack of respect to use his cups that way. OMG! The last thing he said to me was F*** You B****.
    We have been married 25 years, 3 beautiful daughters, a house so big I don’t even go into some rooms for 6 months at a time. He has always made fabulous money and so have I. The drinking started right after we got married and has progressed daily. My husband drinks beer, lots of beer. If he sleeps at night at all, he will start the moment he wakes. He usually passes out about 6 or 7, wakes up about 11 and drinks till about 4 or 5 and sleeps for a couple hours before starting again. It is not unusual for him to have 30 to 40 a day, every day. Needless to say his health is showing it. Talk about functioning alcoholic.
    He stopped a couple times. The latest lasted 3 weeks and he started again 2 weeks ago. Each time he stops, he starts again with even more gusto.
    Two of my daughters are already out of the house. My 17 year old has to take the brunt of his anger as well. Each time he is verbally abusive she asks if she should pack. I always tell her no, just ignore it. Stick and stones you know. I have become the queen of ignoring it.
    Reading these posts has helped greatly, some of the quotes are priceless. I know I am a strong, sucessfull woman who can take care of herself. I just keep putting off the inevitable. I know my youngest daughter would rejoice if we left and my older daughters would say it was about time.
    I have heard over and over here, follow your heart. But my head tells me, I’ve lived with it this long…
    The decision to leave is a very serious one. I think it has to be forever, no going back, too much damage has been done. Will I leave, eventually. I do believe however, you have to have a plan. If you plan, you can be succesful.
    Do I have a plan? Not yet. But I get closer everyday.
    Thanks for reading.

  154. Buffy on April 11th, 2010 7:03 pm

    I have read some of your stories and they all hit home. I have been living with my alcoholic husband for almost 28 years and I am always on edge and the stress some days is just terrible. My husband was physically and mentally abusive earlier in our marriage and then he stopped the physical abuse but he still goes nuts from time to time where he just swears and throws things or destroys things for no reason. I always feel he could strike out at any time because he cannot seem to control himself. He works every day but he drinks from the time he gets off work until he passes out for the night. I am always stressed because he stumbles around or decides to use the stove. We seldom do anything together because he has always been drinking before we even get to where we are going He always reeks of alcohol. He will drink like there is no tomorrow at any functions we attend. He says things that are terrible and doesn’t remember the next day. My youngest will be 21 but he has no respect for his dad. I have always worked but I’m afraid to leave my home and start over. I want peace now that I am older I hate all the alcohol, stress and drama . I feel at my age I should be able to live a life where I am happy. I know it is my choice but I am so torn on making a decision. I also had breast cancer when my son was in 1st grade. I thought maybe things would change but he just thought it was more of an excuse to drink more. I had the added stress of being sick and him not caring enough to quite drinking. Thank God my mother was there for me because he was not supportive. I’ve always felt the stress through the years brought on my sickness.

    It is so great when he travels but he seldom does and has to be gone for a week. My life is so nice without picking up cans and bottles and watching him trip over himself. I care about him and always will but I don’t feel like I have a husband any more. He never wants to do things around the house and makes excuses constantly just waiting for the right time to start drinking for the day on the weekends. I pick up more than my fair share around the house so I don’t really feel like I need him. I just wish he would go away and leave me alone. I have also threatened to kick him out or divorce him hoping he would snap out of it but all I’ve ever heard is just a lot of empty promises. It feels good but so sad to be able to write these things down.

    Some days I hate myself for being so weak and for having stayed in a marriage that has been so one sided.

  155. Karen on April 14th, 2010 1:01 pm

    I have been dating an alcoholic for three months now. I saw the signs from the beginning, but ignored them because he treats me so well. He’s not a mean alcoholic, but he’s still an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic and all of my relationships have had addictions. I am in my late 40s and promised myself I would not date another person with an addiction, but here I am again, and I am believing him when he’s telling me he will quit drinking. I have been through the whole cycle of believing the alcoholic when he says he’ll quit and it is never true. His dad was an alcoholic and quit drinking 25 years ago, so I wonder if it’s possible that he can also quit? He is perfect for me if he would not drink, but I feel I’m going to go through the same pattern again. I’m wondering if I should just take it slow and see what happens or if I’m just wasting my time?

  156. Sheila on April 15th, 2010 1:18 pm

    I like everyone else here am living with an alcoholic. He drinks every day from the time he walks thru the door until he goes to bed. On weekends, his bed is the garage because that is where he goes to smoke and hasn’t slept in our bed on a weekend in over three years now. At least one night during the work week and as of recent two nights he sleeps in the garage sitting up in the lawn chair. He gets so drunk he passes out there. My problem is he is in the military, so trying to get him help is impossible. Let me rephrase that, he doesn’t think he needs help so that is the first problem. He is verbally abusive to me on a nightly basis and to my children as well. They are grown and anything they did in the last ten years since he and I met comes up when he is drinking. He is great at his job, so performing that on a daily basis is not a problem, even though everynight he pounds a large bottle of wine and sometimes one and a half of the large bottles of wine. He also thinks that because he is drinking wine and not hard liquor that he doesn’t have a problem. This is an everyday occurrence. I haven’t seen him with anything in his hand to drink but a glass of wine in over three years. The only time he isn’t drinking is when he is at work. He pays his portion of the bills but I also pay a portion of the household bills. He buys probably half of the groceries and I buy the other half. The problem for me is with the bad economy we own a house that is in both of our names and unfortunately neither of us can afford it without the other. So I feel stuck. I ask myself why should I feel stuck if he is the one who won’t change and who doesn’t care what he is doing to me. I feel guilty for wanting to leave because, wow here is that stupid statement, he doesn’t beat me…..that is really weak, and when he is sober before that one too many glass he is good to us. He does a really crazy thing that is my que that it is time for me to go to bed. When he reaches the point before he gets verbally mean he has a sneezing fit. He sneezes anywhere from 16 to 20 times. It is very shortly after that he starts making noises with his teeth, glaring at me and the abuse starts. He never remembers it and says I’m making it all up. Neighbors and friends have heard it and told him. Oh and by the way they don’t come over anymore, because of his drinking. So my life is very isolated now and I just want to leave but to leave would devastate us both financially. I’m trapped and don’t know how to get out of it.

  157. Buffy on April 15th, 2010 8:24 pm

    Hello there wasn’t one paragraph that I read that I could not relate to. My husband and I have been married now for almost 28 years. At the beginning he was physically abusive and mentally. The drinking became worse I used to blame myself thinking it was something I did nor didn’t do. I no longer feel that way. I know now that he is the one with the problem even though he says I am the one. He is no longer physically abusive but he drinks every single day he says and does things he doesn’t even remember the next day. He is functional at work but he has a very short temper and there have been times when he will just go off and become uncontrollable. My son is 20 now and he is protective of me and he has had to get between my husband and me to protect me. It makes my son sick and in tears that he had to actually grab ahold of his dad. My son has no respect for his dad whatsoever. I have threatened to leave but I don’t know if I can start over. I have been working for several years and make decent money but I’m afraid I won’t be able to do it. I just want peace in my life. I’m 57 years old and I feel so lonely. My husband won’t get help. I feel like running away and leaving everything behind but I know I won’t. I hate myself sometimes for being so weak and such a coward. We no longer have a reall marriage. His consists of drinking when he gets home until he falls asleep. I go about doing things that need to get done and have friends I do things with because he usually doesn’t want to do anything with me unless he can drink like a fish and I don’t find that fun. I don’t even feel that I actually have a husband at times. I care about him but I feel sorry for him because I know he has a sickness and his dad was gone by 60 years old of liver damage. I know most of you have been in and out of this type of relationship and it is so sad so very sad. I’m not interested in cheating on my husband I just want to make a life a good one for myself and my children.

  158. eve on April 15th, 2010 11:41 pm

    I was married for 43 years, we had a wonderful marriage, he was a wonderful husband and father. He retired and started drinking excessively. Before this he would enjoy a few beers but started drinking shots of whiskey when we were married about 40 years and it gradually snowballed to a pint and a 5th. He would drink at home and could not stop. I got him into a rehab for 28 days and thought that would stop it. Less than a month and he was back to drinking, he is not a functional ‘drunk’ he drinks and drinks………
    So after another year of this heartache & craziness I got him into a rehab for 4 months , and he decided to stay in a half way house for 6 more months. Then he went on a binge and got kicked out and moved into a horrible motel for $10 a day .
    I had divorced him after 3 years of the struggle, while he was in the second rehab. He asked me if the ‘door was still open’ I said yes. I still loved him.

    When I saw him in the motel I couldn’t stand to see him like that,
    while I lived in our home and using his Social Security, So I let him come home and I felt good about it, but knew it wouldn’t last , he is drinking again.

    I had tried to sell the home so I could end this, but the market was so bad I would have had to sell it and lose the only money I would have to start out on. I have very little job experience and I’am 64 years old . I’m in limbo and not young.

    I have a part time job at $8.00 an hour and I have applied at so many businesses but there is so much competition.

    If I had some security( a well paying job) I would leave in a heart beat.We lost everything but the home and there is a mortgage payment.

  159. Leslie on April 19th, 2010 10:18 am

    Good morning, I am a 45 year old woman, I have been married to Mark for 2 years. He got laid off of his job in January, and the drinking has become unbearable. He will leave at 11:00A.M. and come home around 7:30 P.M. or later. He is spending money on alcohol that we could use on bills. I told him this morning that he can go get help for his drinking or we need to go our separate ways, he said he did not need help for his drinking, that he does not have a problem. Well, I am through, the house is mine. The worse thing about this is the other peopled involved, I have 3 grown children and he has 2, plus a grandbaby. I care about Mark, but he doesn’t care about me or himself, I just can not worry for the rest of my life, where he is and with whom. He has gotten 2 DUI’s, and it would not surprise me if he got another one and ended up in jail. He even rides a motorcycle when he drinks.
    He has had one affair with his second ex wife on me. I am his third wife. My mind is made up. I will not be second to the bars, and the alcohol anymore. I wish all of you luck, You will be in my prayers.

  160. Aurora on April 28th, 2010 10:39 pm

    My story – similar to those posted.

    This year marks 25 years married to a man that was not a heavy drinker. His alcoholism came to light three years ago. Not sure what happend.

    We have a son who is 23 years old and our daughter is 11. I hate the fact that our daughter is growing up seeing her parents argue about her father’s drinking. I have told him that I would leave him if he didn’t stop drinking.

    I have not been brave enough to actually leave him. I am scared, I have been with this man since I was a young girl. But then at the same time, I need to show my daughter that her mother is strong and that this is no way to live.

    What makes it extra hard is that her father volunteers his time at her school coaching. People adore my husband. Of course, they do not know the monster that comes out when he drinks.

    Advice please!

  161. Tammy on May 2nd, 2010 5:01 pm

    I have been married for 5 yrs but together 11. We have two lovly daughters. My husband is an acoholic. He says he is one but he doesnt have a problem with it I do.I just know after 3 beers something snaps in that brain of his and then he starts on our girls and me. He is a electrion and gets laid off alot. Normaly he drinks from friday to sunday and maybe once durning the week (thats when he is working). I have a fulltime job and go to school fulltime for my girls and me. I so want to pack my girls and my stuff up and leave and not look beck. I dont know how much more I can take. I just feel that the only way he can be around me is when he is drinking. Everytime wego some he has to take his beer with us..I told him that i wish i could clam 5 on our taxes because between our two girls , him , beer and me. but thinks i hope u can help me takethe right path.

  162. Ria on May 3rd, 2010 10:17 pm

    I left my alcoholic December 5th, 2009. I don’t regret my decision. I quit my job three years ago to be a stay at home mom….with a two year old and a thirteen year old now, my journey is not easy. I am starting over. I moved us out of our home because he would never leave…only a weekend binder. There is nothing romantic about an alcoholic…kind gestures don’t last…false promises are just that…

    I remind myself through great pain comes greater opportunity. When we speak, I am reminded why I left and feel stronger for making the move. I was paralyzed….waiting for some miracle or epiphany. He still drinks. He will call and leave me a message (today) about how he heard a song and thought of me..us. Carole King , “It’s too late”, and Steve Wonder “Neighbor Love”. Neither relate to our situation….has anyone heard of “Neighbor Love”? I wouldn’t be surprised if like everything else…he created lyrics to fit the story in his head. The story that allows him to drink. I left because of alcohloism, but in his head the story remains to be seen, but as long as he drinks he will never see thing as they are…sad.

  163. laura on May 5th, 2010 1:29 pm

    hi~
    i have posted on this blog several times and i am happy to say that i am finally officially divorced from my alcoholic husband. and, i have become engaged to the most wonderful, caring, loving man in the world. i am living proof that staying in an abusive relationship is not healthy and that things can change for you if you just remove yourself from the toxic lifestyle of being with an alcoholic. i never knew what it like to be loved because my ex husband loved alcohol more than me. i pray for each of you that you will make the best choice for you.
    laura

  164. Jmarie on May 6th, 2010 11:49 am

    I have endured 37 years with an alcoholic (who is in denial) more so over the last 10 years he has been miserable with life, feels he has gotten cheated out of al the good things, yes we had a finanical problem I caused 13 years ago, I have more than repaid to him, now I pay all household bills as he works very hard 50-60 hrs a week pays his guys but never seems to have money to contribute to household expenses even borrows from family and me to pay workers but will always repay but no additional. His family thinks he’s a great hard working guy (his mother has been an alcoholic for 40 or more years, had rehab but now at 75 something still drinks taken care of by his father) People on the outside think he is a great guy, but he is miserable with life, never says anything nice about anyone, hates the world and everything in it, complains all the time about his life even though he is the one making it miserable, no one is good enough in his eyes except maybe members of his family. After a big verbal blow up last nite, i went to leave and he stood in front of my car screaming and cursing “run me over go ahead you know you want to” so I backed up to get out of there. I have a disabled 30 year old son who is the only reason I am still in the house with this man, I have grandchildren who he is great around, , but he makes me feel guilty because he never has anything nice to say about their fathers as once again no one is good unless they work and live like he does. He dictates our every waking moment even what time we can eat at nite as he will never eat before 8-9pm when his day is done, but claims everyone schedules his life, complains when there is no work, complains when there is to much work. He has his first beer sometimes as early as 8:30 am, keeps a cooler in his truck at all times, know he has at least a 12 pk during the day and at least 6 or more after arriving home. So far has never gotten a DUI not sure how, but sometimes I wish he would to just wake him up. He thinks its only beer, so no big deal, but there seems to be a switch that trips once he gets to so many that turns him into a miserable hateful person, (he can be nice when sober) I wish I could figure out how to leave after so many years, we are selling house, but taking time, if we sell I don’t want to live with this the rest of my life at 56 I want to enjoy being alive and not feel to degraded, he only seems to value me if I give him what he wants sexually, but it feels so degrading I even sleep most of the time in a different room as as soon as his head hits the pillow he passes out snoring like a freight train. I have a daughter who is a nurse and one studying to be one, they both try to help but I hate to burden them so much. I just needed to get this off my chest, maybe it will help me make the right decision to get out, i hope soon.

  165. Yuko on June 1st, 2010 12:07 pm

    My husband and I have been married for 29 years. I have been dealing with his on and off drinking problem for 15 years now. I wish I knew what alcoholism is 30 years ago, I was young and naive then. He grew up in a broken family, his father was an abusive alcoholic.
    I even went to Al-anon meeting, it was depressing, it didn’t help me and I am still looking for an answer to be happy. I surf the net for countless hours but It is still hard to understand that alcoholism is an addiction, brain disease and no cure.
    His older brother was an alcoholic too and died at age 50, my husband just turned 51 and my fear is to be a young widow. We just can’t afford to separate or divorce. I just wish that we could have a long, healthy and happy life together. It’s just a dream. Since my husband doesn’t want to quit drinking, sad thing is that longer we are married I remember more bad times than good times of our marriage.

  166. Valerie on June 4th, 2010 6:26 pm

    I have been with my soon to be ex boyfriend for 11 years off and on. I have had him arrested for physical abuse when he was drinking and cocaining. Anyway the most recent episode as that is always what it is with an alcoholic, began last October when I moved where we live today. Prior to that I moved out on him because he had been unemployed for a year, was drawing unemployment and spending any money from that and odd jobs on drinking, drugging, and partying with his cronies. I worked a full time job that I had been at for 4 years and was doing everything around the house. He did give me enough money to help with all the bills except groceries and his 2 vehicles insurances which ran around 550.00 per month. I like an idiot would even throw him a 20 now and then when he would throw the pity party.

    He would be home all day and do nothing to very little around the house and I would have to come home after working all day and clean the house while he and his buddies would hang out drinking in the back yard which they had done most of the day.
    Then when they left ;he would shower, jump on his bike, and roar into the nite to do what he does best…drinking and bars and God knows what.
    He ended up owing me around 4000.00 between groceries and loans and his car insurances.
    I finally found the guts to move out and found this cute little one bdroom that I could afford. To make a long story short, here he comes, saying all the right BS and saying he was sorry and will change. I told him that it was ZERO TOLERANCE and he was sober for three (woopie!) whole months. But it proved that it wasn’t a disease (which I don’t think it is) and that it was simply a matter of choice…to drink or not to drink. I told him that the disease concept simply gave alcoholics a sorry excuse for screwing up. In any case he did quit for 3 months and life got better…not great but better. I think that by the time I moved into the 1 bdroom I was pretty much out of love with him and only let him in out of pity.
    Since the end of the 3 months abstinence his drinking has progressed to the point of him drinking and driving, drinking so much that he throws up, and is gone most of the time.
    About 2 months ago he found out from a friend about this “dream” house on the water that he is going to move in to even though we still have a lease (in my name) that isn’t up until mid October. He asked me to move with him which I declined for a variety of reasons, one being the most obvious…his drinking. The other reason being that I am a whole lot more responsible and true to my word than he is and am going to do my part to honor the lease.
    Anyway his move kept dragging on and in the mean time I found out that he has been going to bars again. Since that time I have been constantly on his butt to hurry up and move. I have already accepted that I can’t change him but have told him that I can’t live this way any longer. I told him that since he “can’t promise me that he will quit drinking” that I can’t promise him that I won’t call the cops if I think hes drinking and driving which infuriated him.
    In any case, now I feel numb towards him because I am so tired of the lies, betrayals, disrespect, embarrassment, slovenlyness, inconsideration, self-centeredness and egotistical attitude. Everything with him is Me Me Me. He even had enough audacity to assume that I would be letting him walk out with some of the household furnishings that I have scrimped and saved to buy with alot of overtime. He spent all his money on booze, occassional drugs, and motorcycles. I put my foot down and said no way in h. , that he hadn’t thrown me one red cent towards any of it and that he had already given away so much of my other stuff from other places we lived that I am not going to go through that again. Now I just want him to go so I can cry a little bit, pick myself up, dust myself off, and get on with my life. I want to be able to go to sleep in peace at night without the stale smell of beer, drunken snoring, b.s., and just live a nice quiet life. Soon, God willing.

  167. Thinking to leave... on June 12th, 2010 10:31 am

    I’m reading your stories and my eyes have tears. I don’t have such a big problem as most of you, but I’m afraid, if I don’t leave my partner now, I’ll end up in similar situations..

    My partner is drinking every evening votca but never gets aggressive or stupid. Sometimes she cannot talk properly, eats her words and doesn’t think clear, but that’s all.

    I would like to have children with her, but I’m not sure if I should. She loves children and children lover her. She was working with children who had addiction problems, she knows everything about addictions but for herself, she doesn’t see a problem.

    She says, as long as I’m not hurting anybody, why should I became another person? And this question, I really can’t argue… I’m not so sure anymore. Maybe I make it a problem?

    Maybe it’s not a problem that she is drinking everyday? There’s no impact on her work and she is very social…

    We are 2 years together, I started now seeing a phycologist who told me that it will get worse… How sure is this?

  168. Kelli on June 12th, 2010 4:43 pm

    Wow! It is amazing how the pattern is so similar. The charm, the love, the hopes and dreams… then the binge, the verbal abuse, the blame. He becomes a stranger in my own house. I know that threatening to leave is not enough… I have to follow through. I struggle with “turning my back” on him… not a very loving thing to do. But isn’t he turning his back on me every time he goes on a binge? I am so scared that he will decide that he loves alcohol more than me. I know that is a risk that I will eventually have to take. Some days I think I am ready for that risk, other days I am either fooled by his charm or simply too weak to leave. I have always been such an independent, strong woman. Why can I not call upon that strength when it comes to leaving him?

  169. Chey on June 14th, 2010 10:35 pm

    I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read through all of these posts. I am 42 years old with no family to speak of. I reconnected with a friend from middle school last Christmas and it has been nothing but drama ever since. I know he is an alcoholic, although he will never admit it. He gets pass out drunk every single night; although he somehow manages to get up and go to work every day. He doesn’t think he has a problem and will never seek treatment. He’s only 45 and already bloated and showing signs of jaundice. Right now, I am doing a year internship out of state and not subject to it everyday, but so many of your words are “themes” in my life since he and I have gotten together: shattering of my trust, feeling like our relationship is on a rollercoster, coming in 2nd to drinking, doesn’t follow though on his promises, scared everytime he goes out that something bad is going to happen- another DUI, etc. I am so alone. He and I grew up in a religious cult. So, we really understand each other in ways no other can. I feel so connected to him. He is like the men others describe- big hearted, warm, funny, fun to be around. BUT—- he has these mood swings. When it’s good- it’s really good but when it’s bad- he’s bitchy and verbally abusive. One night he tells me that he wants us to get get married and then he goes off with his friends and I don’t hear back for days. Then he gets mad b/c I e-mail to check to make sure everything is okay. I worry- he doesn’t get that. I think, why should he be out living it up while I am out in another state all alone worried sick about him. This is the first man I have been able to really feel conected to in a long time. He’s had a hard life- we both have. I know I deserve better, but my heart is with him. I don’t know what to do. He works, money is not the problem. He’s not physically abusive and he doesn’t cheat. BUT- he doesn’t follow through either. Rehab is completely out of the question since he doesn’t think he has a problem. I guess I am the one with the problem. I need to find the courage to remain alone, possibly for the rest of my life when he’s there promising me the world.
    So many well intentioned, but empty promises……..I am so broken hearted.

  170. Valerie on June 19th, 2010 12:55 pm

    Well, he’s finally out and although it gets lonely (no more lonely than it was before he left) I am 100% happier. I ended up forcing him out by giving him a deadline and then throwing his things outside the gate and locking it. Funny how all of sudden his “dream” home became available then! I met with him this week to get my name taken off his bank account because I found out that even though his name isn’t on any of my accounts that if he overdraws his they will cover it with mine. Until the time I got my name off the account I told him that if he overdraws it that I can and will close his account. His payroll is direct deposit so it was amazing again how fast that situation was cleared up.
    In any case, at least all the craziness has stopped. By craziness I mean for example, on several occassions we have eaten at nice restaurants where he would just reach across the table and take food out of my plate with his fingers. I got so embarrassed once when a couple sitting near us happened to witness this that I told them that he was Helen Kellers brother.This is what I mean by craziness. Its funny now but it wasn’t then.
    I do not miss this or when he licks his plate, falls down the bleachers, lays the motorcycle down with me on the back (my own stupidity), the fetid smell of stale beer in the air exuding from his lungs and his skin, the incessant snoring at nite and a zillion other gross things he did. Anyway, for any of you out there that are still in the “situation” I can’t tell you what to do for each of must make our own life choices. I can tell that for me there was no other alternative unless I wanted to be mired down in an intolerable relationship the rest of my life. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

  171. Traci on June 25th, 2010 2:25 am

    ,
    I know what you all are going through and I feel for you . I have been with my husband for almost 13 years we also have a big age differance 17 years differance. Everything was great for the first 5 years, he was warm and kind always treated me with respect and love. Than after we had our last child together everything changed. He started drinking and taking pills, I thought he relapsed because of something I did or said . But it wasn’t that, he started blaming our kids for his drinking, saying that they stress him out that he can’t handle them. He lost his job and has not worked in almost 2 years. I have been supporting my family along with his mother helping out as much as she can without hurting herself with the money . He has gone to detox 20 times since we have been married and he has gone to rehab 4 times. I keep telling him that I’m going to leave if he doesn’t stop his drinking and pill popping, to only stay and deal with it again a month or two later down the road. I’m beside myself and really don’t know what to do, I can’t help but remember the past ,how wonderful it was ,how wonderful he was and than I stop and don’t leave thinking that if I leave that I would be making a big mistake. I keep thinking that he will stop and think about what he is putting his kids and I through and start being the man I fell in love with again . Am I just dreaming or is it possible.

  172. rosanna on June 28th, 2010 12:57 pm

    my boyfriend is an alcoholic. I knew he was drinker when we met.
    I didn’t know the extent till we moved in together. I have had drinking issues in the past and had got it under control. I see him- become a complete mess in front of friends and family and get totally embarrassed. Somoe of my family and friends will no longer come around me because of his sloppy behavior.
    It is really sad because I really care for him. My son loves him and they have become very good friends. He has a daughter who he claimed to never drink around. But I think now that I am there he can depend onme to look after her while he ties one on.
    He does not raise his voice to me or anyone. He is not an angry drinker. I have been drinking more than I like. I have told him that I am going to quit all together so I can feel better about myself.
    He thinks he drinks too much but does not feel like he is going to quit completey. He doesn’t understand why everyone can’t just let his behavior go…….I feel so sad right now-He isn’t a bad person and when he is sober -we are magic. This disease is very unfair.
    I am not ready to leave. I am 38 years old – I had a bad divorce-and I thought this was the “one” I would grow old with. I am so sick of crying.

  173. leeann on July 26th, 2010 6:25 am

    I live with an alcoholic husband, of 7 years. I am worn out and tired. I want out of my marriage but am afraid of what my future will be.

    Any advice? Thank you.

  174. Robin on July 26th, 2010 8:24 am

    I was diagnosed with inoperable incurable cancer in 2006,at that time my husband who has always drank became a 5 bottle a week(1.75) drinker and has since become very abusive,verbally. We have been married 20 yrs this Oct. and now they found more cancer in my adrenal glands. I cannot take this stress and try to take care of myself and him. If I leave him I have no Insurance I am disabled and could not live on my mere pittance, I am 55 so therefore not eligible for medicare. I am a very religious person and obviously he is not. He treats me like a oiece of dust to sweep under the rug. WHEN HE STARTS HIS RANTING AND CURSING I go to my room and read. I don’t know what to do. Please I will take any suggestions. He is drinking us into bankruptcy again, May GOD Bless all who are in this position.

  175. A on August 5th, 2010 3:00 am

    I’ve been with my husband 20 years almost. I am 40, but I feel young and healthy. He’s a good man. There are so many similarities in our stories. One is the fact that I own everything. He hasn’t worked steadily in 10 years. He blames me for that. Come on, man up! He’s a binge drinker. Can go sometimes a few days without drinking, though perhaps that is no longer the case. He hides drinking from me. He sits in the garage drinking beers. Our dynamic is that after about 8 years of being faithful to him, when I was still quite young, I began having affairs. I had a very good job and business travel exposed me to the ways of business people having affairs — I was so innocent, I didn’t realize married people did these things. Thus a 12 year cycle of affairs began. Though with the birth of my 2nd son I abstained from affairs for 3 years. Nothing changed on his side of the equation. Drinking steadily increased. Income, practically nothing. An excellent father. A wonderful man. Funny, loving, intelligent, a hard worker around the house — cooking, cleaning, building things. But 2 years ago an old flame called and I saw him and thus the affairs started up again for me. I have suffered tremendous guilt over them. Felt like a sinner. But then, also 2 years ago, the s*** hit the fan, he was violent, I told him to move out, and thus began a 2-year process of limbo (he only briefly moved out, now he’s back and won’t leave). In the last few months, we once again achieved a status quo. He was still drinking. I had a lover who was not interested in being anything more than that. Then he caught me 2 nights ago sneaking out. I feel guilty because I know this precipitated the binge he had today. He took our boys to the beach and later to a restaurant/bar while I was working to make money (he barely works). I know this happened because when they got home my almost 10-year-old son said “thank god we got home alive.” He proceeded to tell me he had counted how many beers his dad had drunk at the beach and the bar, and that he had been scared when daddy was driving because he was speeding. In the past when things like this have happened my husband has thrown it back at me, saying I am more forgetful or neglectful of my boys than he is. Perhaps I am a selfish person in many ways but I love my boys more than anything and I don’t believe I am a bad mother. On the rare occasion I have shared the situation with others I’ve gotten the bad mother thing so I learned to clam up. I know some may think I am even a slut. Though, by the way, in one of our fights during our limbo period I learned that he in fact also had an affair (he has varyingly said it was one old girlfriend, then said it was 2 or 3). So for years he’s held my affairs over my head (in a moment of desperation when my first son was young I told my husband I’d cheated because I was so angry about his drinking). I do feel guilty about them. But what a double standard. He has learned to manipulate me, truth be told. In many ways he’s supportive and loving, but the drinking will never end. I have never found true love through my affairs and I don’t know if I ever will. But the situation with my boys is wrong. My 10 year old can’t have the responsibility of counting his dad’s drinks. He told me he always counts how many beers his daddy has. Again, I wish I hadn’t precipitated this last binge. I know on some level he did it just to get back at me for sneaking out. But I have to wrap my head around the possibility of divorce. It hurts my heart to do it.

  176. amy on August 6th, 2010 5:27 pm

    i am so alone and lonely.my heart aches for a touch a nice word from my husband i try talking to him till i am blue in the face saying the same thing’s time and time again.he says i drag him down that if there isn’t any drama in our lifes then i have to make some up so that i can be happy.i have 3 son’s they live with my x-husband i don’t see them much cause my husband doesn’t like them and it causes big fights when i do see them so i lie and tell him i am going somewhere else just to see my son’s ha forget about bringing them to the house i don’t want them to hear what he calls,my daughter lives with us and as she gets older he is constantly telling her how bad she is or that she is stupid or dumb and sex forget it he says it is all about me and what i want that i make him out to be the bad guy that the men are always the bad guys and thw women are never to blame atleast that is what he says about society these days i don’t have anybody to turn to no friends at all i constantly walk on egg shells in order not to piss him off i just don’t know where to go or what to do anymore i have lost myself a long time ago. all i am is a roomate with a paycheck he can’t survive without my check and i can’t survive without his lost and walking on the edge.

  177. Marlene on August 13th, 2010 10:29 am

    It makes me feel better to read all of these posts…I am not crazy.
    I have known my husband for 17 years and he has always abused a substance. In the last 10 years alcohol has become his drug of choice. I have tried to help him quit by talking to him, having patience and fogiving his relapses but he goes back to drinking. He wrote me a great email about his behavior and how much he wanted to change and how hard he would try…this lasted about a week and a half. The last two night it has been back to being mentally tortured again…he starts accusing him of cheating when he has been drinking. He starts to insist on this…it is exhausting.
    I work a full time job and we have three beautiful babies. It pains me that this is the life they have ended up with and I want to change that for them. I grew up in my parents tormented marriage, my mother’s constant insecurities due to infidelities…it was a nightmare and here I am.
    About two years ago I found emails from other women to him…it took him a whole year to take responsability while the entire time he made me think I was crazy.
    The last two nights have been horrible…the constant questioning and mistrust. He even forgets what he says and blames me for begining the argument. He then accuses me of starving him of attention (sex) but does not understand the tiredness of our lives.
    I know what I have to do but he won’t get out of our house and I am not leaving my kids. He won’t leave despite all the misery he brings us…having apologized a thousand times and going back to the same lying about drinking.
    This past weekend we were doing yardwork and I was looking for my gloves…I looked in the recycling bin to see if they had fallen in and I found a full bottle of vodka in it. He poured it out in front of me…but has drunk since. He uses cash to do it instead of the account card…he slurs his word so badly when he has been drinking and he seems medicated…and he insists I am making it up. He won’t take responsability and claims love is everything.
    I am sorry, thanks for letting me write on here…I do not know what else to do. I am ashames of telling anyone else about this…how miserable I am with his in our lives when he drinks.
    When he does not drink, he is loving, considerate and a good father. He just always goes back to it…he must love the way he feels while drinking more. I do not understand it…I think he is treating a mental health issue but he won’t go see a therapist.
    He is a cop…
    Aghhh…thanks for listening.

  178. Chris76 on August 16th, 2010 5:47 pm

    Laura, Yay! I am delighted for you and it gives me hope, although that hope has already been fostered by my choice to leave.

    Having read this entire blog, almost all of the relationships are similar to mine, although I am a man and was living with my wife, up til a month ago. Not drinking – great to be with. Drinking – it’s awful. it’s all been said above.

    Exhaustion, descent into self-recrimination, loss of self esteem, yes I have felt it. And the questions – I should leave. What’s stopping me? Love? Need? Fear? All of them. It doesn’t matter. In the end the choices were stay and be sucked dry, become a husk, remain trapped, or, leave. And don’t look back. Well, I looked back, felt awful, recalled the reasons why I left and that kept me swimming. Every time I looked back I recalled why I left, and that was why I keep on swimming.

    I may never meet someone like her again – never have I loved someone so deeply. I guess I gave up my addiction to her just like I wished she would give up her addiction to alcohol. But I can’t fix her addiction. Perhaps, as the say in AA (I’ve never been) I gave it all up to God. And another blogger mentioned above that when God gives us a sign – take it. I’m not christian but that message rang as clear as a bell for me. I wish I’d kept an eye out for those signs earlier in my life.

    Now? Well, it’s been a few weeks only. But, my energy is returning. I feel better. Yes, lonely a lot. Wondering ‘what if’ a lot (but I can’t fix it, or change it, even it cost me my life). Missing what we had less and less (what did we have?).

    I wake in my bed feeling peaceful. Feeling peaceful! (yes, being with her, I drank with her – not as much and not all the time, but enough. Being alone I don’t drink). Anxiety is not part of my morning ritual. Neither is fear. Nor do I walk on egg shells to avoid hangover tirades. In the evenings I get home – In the beginning it was very lonely (just keep swimming). Now it’s a bit lonely. I don’t have to worry about another argument at home, another explosion over some trivial thing, or feeling lonely, shut out, abandoned, rejected.

    Do I worry about her? You bet. In the beginning, all the time (that of course, was the nature of our relationship). Now, still worry, but without the overriding feeling that I should be doing something to help her. I’ve done enough. She may end up on a park bench somewhere. I hope to God she doesn’t but, if she does, that’s her choice.

    Generally I feel happier, am happier, more confirmed in my choice. It’s baby steps at first, being reborn. So I’m so pleased to hear Laura’s news. I have choice in my life now. I can win my life back now.

    If you’ve read this, thanks for reading and I hope it helps a bit. I’d like to thank my fellow spouses as well. It’s lonely being with an alcoholic until you come across blogs like this. I wish everyone here the best life they can have.

  179. SAM on August 16th, 2010 10:58 pm

    I thoroughly understand and am currently sitting across the room from mine … he drank today and has spent the evening (again) telling my lies. Why all the lies? I’m so tired of the lies! He should know that by now I know his drinking patterns and behaviors and that I KNOW the truth, even when he refuses to admit it. I’m tired of being lied to. He’s supposed to be my best friend. But, is not treating me as well as even my own worst enemy. I do think it’s time for me to end this — cut the ties — and set him free. I think he and his bottle will be very happy together

  180. aimee on August 18th, 2010 10:51 am

    My husband and I met in 1999, I was 19 and he was almost 30, well at the time we were both making bad choices, as far as alcohol goes. I had just left an alcoholic boyfriend that 6 months later died in a head on alcohol related accident suddenly, 4th DUI. Well my boyfriend at the time, my present husband, partied all of the time, I dealt with it b-cuz I was drinking with him too for a short while. After hearing of my ex’s death, I quit drinking and have since. He has never quit, he has had 2 Dui’s/or DWI’s, and we were married 5 years nearly after meeting, he cheated once while we dated, I feel as though I should have left then. He confessed at the point of me being pregnant , 2 weeks after he proposed I concieved, we were married a few months later, and had a house built, and thought we had everything. Well, he did drugs for a while, finally quit shortly after our daughter was born, with help from my harping, today I am 30 and he is 41. Our daughter is 5 1/2 and we lost our 2nd daughter to miscarriage in 2006. I have grown up a lot and he has not. I am a Full Time Student and I work at a church and attend, I want more kids and have just completed Fertility Testing, we live away from my family because we had to move to where his new job was. My dearest friends and family tell me We need to get away. He seems to have quit smoking cigarettes, which was a big financial issue to me, though he goes out with young single friends all hours of the night-though he works night shift, he comes in drunk as a skunk, all of the time, cussing, and ranting, he has woken me and my daughter up from sleep with yelling and cussing in moments of drunkness. He has a bad temper to start with, he has cussed me and called me an F B in front of my daughter, my daughter has even mentioned us going to my mom’s house to live which is 18 hours away. I want the best for me and her, he seems to have no respect for me or her, and the values I try to instill in her are warped from his words and actions, he has dry days, but when it is a drunken day it tears me up for several. I have quit cussing and now my direction is no-where near his, I do not want to be around him, or go anywhere with him because he is so mean to me, and I do not send my daughter with him without me, because of his drinking habits, and word choices. I do not believe in divorce unless it is the last hope, I have my mom, and best friend pulling for us to get out of here and start over, i am just scared after 11 years I guess, but I am tired of being beat down, we come home from church with high spirits to get cussed at by him, his whole family is more like him than me, I have no-one here other than my sweet church friends. My daughter is set to start Kindergarten in a few days, and my college picks back up in about 10, should I drop it all and leave and file for divorce? I don’t think he’ll ever change.thanks

  181. maria on August 29th, 2010 8:33 pm

    Hi to all of you,

    I am divorced from my alcoholic husband. I was with him for 19 years.
    We had 2 beautiful and very special children together for which I am very grateful.

    I was fortunate to have a career to fall back on so i am doing ok financially.

    On my most difficult day I am still satisfied with the decision to go
    ahead with the divorce.

    It does get better with time.
    I am more relaxed, sleep peacefully and feel it was the best thing to do for myself and my children who are both now teenagers.

    My children see their father sporadically. It is sad that a father would put alcohol before his children.
    I am trying my best to give my kids the best life I can and although
    I know that this will have a lasting impact on their lives , I am hoping that as they grow into adulthood they will be happy and satisfied with their lives and make good choices for themselves.

    As I read thru the comments I felt I had been there and I feel deeply for all of you who are now going thru this.

    I wish everyone the best and I hope you make the best decision for yourself.

    Maria

  182. Sarah on October 5th, 2010 11:57 am

    Two hours ago i packed my bags while he was out getting drunk (for a change), and left. I cam back to my mothers. I dont know if he has realised if i have gone yet, and i am dreading him ringing me. For some reason i have a feeling of guilt in the pit of my stomach that its my fault and that my reasons for leaving are not valid.
    I am going to try my damned hardest to stick to my guns, not cry and say my peice.
    I love the man to the ends of the earth but he will never love me more than beer, i have depression and my illness is becoming a lot worse with his random behaviour and unreliability. I have to leave for my own sanity.
    I wish everyone in the world the best of luck with their situations, i would not wish this jeckle/hyde, manipulation on my worst enemy

  183. Jackie on October 12th, 2010 11:05 am

    I have given my significant other the choice time and time again… He tells me he does not want to go to treatment but he does want to quit drinking… i am so tired of threatning to leave I just need to do it… financially I can not I graduate from nurisng school in 7 months and I cross my fingers everyday that he gets help…. he says he loves us but he is tired of me “threatening” to leave and for him to get sober he wants to know that I will be there no matter what… but I CAN NOT do that because I do care if he drinks …. I do love him I love my family my kids will be heart broken when we leave… he says that we are the only things he has…. I ask him what we need to do to get help but he has no answers. I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do …. he claims that is why he drinks because I threaten to leave? I cant help but to think to myself is that true? Then he states I will keep bitchin and nagging on others things until I totally change him …… He will under NO circumstance quit smoking weed NO WAY no option ! I try to get financial help and it is a brick wall they just tell me you are in no immediate danger. SORRY …. I just keep typing on ….

  184. S86 on October 14th, 2010 12:52 am

    It has been awhile since anyone posted on this site, but figured I would post anyways.

    I have been having issues with my long term boyfriend’s drinking for the past 2 years. When I met him I was aware he drank, but I drank too. I didn’t really realize how bad it was. Then by the time I realized it, we were expecting a baby. I have a son from a previous relationship, who just loves my boyfriend.

    So I felt like he could sober up when the baby came, he promised he would. Then we could be the perfect happy family, 1 boy, 1 girl, a nice house, a nice car. So now that our daughter is here, we have all that….except the perfect, happy part. Behind closed doors we are miserable people, we fight all the time, I am depressed which he throws in my face and blames on me just having a baby. It isn’t post partum depression though, I am just so miserable with him in my life.

    I have been threatening to leave for a LONG time, but haven’t done it. I don’t want to break my sons heart, I don’t want my daughter to be without her dad, he isn’t working and if I leave-he will be homeless, he moved 1500 miles from home to be with me, and pretty other than my family he doesn’t know to many people here…..so I feel guilty. He has every reason why I can’t leave him.

    Everyday has a lie of some sort in it. He actually has been going to AA, but he is coming home from AA drunk. He slurs, and passes out and swears he isn’t drinking. I caught him with a beer in his hand the other night, and he said he wasn’t drinking…ummm

    So I told him I was leaving the other day, and I meant it. I am trying to find a place to move. The house is in his name, and I hate living here, so I’d rather find a new place. So I have been looking, but now whenever I call anyone or when anyone calls back he is in the background going “OH MY GOD”.

    Then tonight I realized if I leave, I have no way to protect the kids from his drinking if he gets any kind of custody. My son he has no rights to see, but the two of them love each other, and I cannot imagine keeping them from each other. Our daughter isn’t even 2 months old, and I have no idea what I would do if he had her alone and got drunk and she got hurt. When he is here with us at least I can protect the kids.

    I am so sick of my son seeing his mom being treated like crap, and seeing his dad and mom fighting all the time. I don’t want him to grow up and think that is a normal realtionship. His biological father had a drug history, and my side of the family has a drug history(I don’t) so my son has addiction in his blood, and I think unless I am careful he could very quickly become a addict when he is older. That just scares the hell out of me.

    I just needed to vent. I am ready to leave, I want to leave. I can’t do this anymore. I am so sick of being lied to everyday, I don’t believe he loves me like he says, if he did he wouldn’t lie. I HATE that I am so angry, just all the time I am angry. I just want to leave, move on with my life. If he gets sober-I will be so happy, and then maybe we can work on our relationship…but I cannot take the drinking, the smoking pot, the pills. It is just to much for me to take.

  185. Rhonda Knickerbocker on October 30th, 2010 2:50 pm

    I am married to an alcoholic. We have been married for 23 years. In May of 2008 I left him. We have 4 children that are grown. I heard from him quite often when I first left because I transferred with the company that I had worked for forever. He knew my e-mail address at work and at home.
    I was blamed for everything. I found an old boyfriend from 1982 that I hadn’t seen in years. I left with him and he does not drink. He is very good to me. I do not have a divorce yet because shortly after leaving him I got laid off from my job so I am not able to afford it at this time.
    I have very minimal contact with my children because they are mad because I left even though they remember all of the things that happened while they were growing up. I raised my kids and their dad was very seldom there at home. He would get drunk while I was at work and the boys would actually fist fight with him. He would leave for work and not come home for 2 days, and he would drink at home and bring all of his friends over and they would have partys, do drugs, and drink. I was left to cook for this group of people and watch them all pass out all over my house or fight with them to get them not to drive. My kids all drink now and they all blame me for everything. I have not seen them in 2 years. I have a son in the Army and a son who is going through law school, a daughter in Medical school, and a daughter who quit school and moved to Oklahoma with her boyfriend who I continue to try to get back in school.
    I feel very guilty because I hate that my kids do not understand. I am currently back in college and I am doing great but my heart breaks that I don’t get to see my kids.
    I am not sorry that I left my husband because I could not handle any of the caos any longer. I am sorry that the kids do not seem to understand.
    Besides that fact I am very happy with my life now. I am lonely some times but mostly I am happy. I am looking forward to my great career change and the rest of my life which is what I have never had before.

  186. Cathy Haney on November 9th, 2010 6:15 pm

    I am proud to say that after so many years of living with an alcoholic husband, I have crossed over. It took years of starts and stops, chickening out, fear of being alone and just choosing to live in the mess because it was my “comfort zone” however awful. I came so close to leaving 3 yrs ago that I am in collections for signing a lease on an apartment I backed out on. Tried a couple other times and couldn’t go then either. A couple of months ago my husband fell and fractured his pelvis in three areas, drunk, leaving an AA meeting. The ER doc called me an “enabler”. I guess I have been. Determined, I found an apartment, not looking back, and moved out with the help of a moving company. That was 5-1/2 wks ago. How happy am I? Guess! Come on, whatcha think? I encourage all of you to throw that fear to the wind and start living. Life is short and you deserve peace and contentment before that giant leap at the end of life. Don’t ever think you don’t deserve to be happy! .

  187. Nicole on November 24th, 2010 1:40 pm

    I’ve been dealing with an alcoholic husband for about 8 years now and I’m to my ropes end. In the begining, it was just hanging out with friends and drinking. Then, we had a baby and he started hanging out and drinking at bars and god knows where else and not coming home until 7 or 8am. There’s been too many nights where he didn’t come home and never told me where is was which makes me think he’s cheating. He’s been violent, cold hearted and yet, I’m still here and don’t know the reason, I just keep telling myself it will get better, and it will for a week, then he goes right back to drinking. I’m the bread winner, the house is in my mothers name, along with the vechicles, so I’m not worried about him taking everything we have, but a child is involved and it kills me to think that if I leave him, my son will never see his father again. My husband has another child from a previous relationship, he never sees. I still love him, I just don’t want to live like this anymore and I don’t know where to start. He won’t leave. He says I have to give him 30 days notice before i can kick him out? Is this true? Does it have to be a legal document? I’m afraid that when I do give it to him, he’s going to destory the house (punching holes in the walls, breaking glass, etc.) I don’t want to be there, yet I can’t leave him alone there. I feel like I’ve become one of those women on TV you see who you yell at,” just leave him already”, but they don’t. I know better, I’m stronger than this, and yet, I’m in this situation I can’t seemed to get out of. If anyone has any information as to what I need to do to get him out of the house, please let me know, please.

  188. Natalie on November 25th, 2010 12:12 pm

    Natalie 25th November 2010

    Ive finailly think its time!.. Time for me to see somebody, somebody that will help rebuild not only myself but the precious life that on many occasions I felt was unbearable but unchangeable!.. I always new there was a beginning to an end but here I am a year after him leaving holding on for dear life continueing to go round and round on the same tedious merry go round!.. His three week binge drinking became the norm and sadly enough I learnt to live with it! .. On a Saturday I worked and he didnt, so his session would start then.. I would spend my working day planning my evening and wondering if he would come home or stay at friends.. I hated the confrontations,the arguements the abuse and even the sleepless nights calling to see where he was and if he was ok and not fighting.
    I would ring him constantly during the day just to test his mood and see at what stage his drinking was at, this in itself caused arguements but i didnt care i just wanted to know if it was safe to go to the house after work and get the dog and go to my friends or my mothers who would take me in for the week end! . After 8 years of living like this, a drinking buddy made him welcome at his flat and he then had some where to go after his nights out and the drinking would go on longer!.. We had a joke when we met that on a friday he would say ” see you tuesday!”.. He had good humour often made me laugh,but my God he wasnt kidding, the flat just gave him more of an excuse to leave and only come home to sober up!.. Inevitably his drinking was every weekend. I still was never comfortable in my own home in fear of him coming back in a rage so I still stay out even now!..
    He lives in that flat permantly now but has regular fights with his friends living there as they are all drinkers, when he asks to come home i know its not for me but the fear of knowing his mate wont keep putting up with it and that he is loosing control.
    His lost about 3 stone easily since he left last november and he is 47 his mood swings are affecting me badly as my wave of emotions move with him.. one day he loves me the next arguementative preparing for the next drink, often uncontrolable, you see I no I couldnt have him back but its almost now like i feed off him or something,maybe I need the abuse or just maybe I think no one else would find me attractive as his words have made me question myself, I cant imagine intamacy with anyone else, as he was always so dis interested. I have had a few dates since he moved out but I have come away feeling sick.scared and eager to talk to my ex, almost like I need to know i can have him if I wanted, I feel addicted,when I call he is often drunk, abusive or keeps busy toning me making me paranoid that he has moved on. When he sobar which is not very often now, as all the lads in the flat have cans and i can tell by his voice he isnt steaming but he is topping himself up!.. often he godes me in saying he has all these woman and slept behind my back getting me in a frenzy and getting the rise (on a few occasions i have turned up at the flat, they are all steaming, un shaven and taking drugs) but im so paranoid my mind plays tricks!… The truth is now after a year, I shouldnt care.. I should pitty any woman who falls for the charm and the sweet texts, he should come with an F*****g health warning!…
    I still call him every few hours i drive him and myself nuts I have become obsessed with his life and what he is up to, and ive changed from wanting to help and change him to stop him drinking, to never wanting him to be safe and stop drinking for somebody else, almost like my biggest fear is that he will change for someone else!.. Bottom line is I feel he is right … Im NUTS!..
    Well yesterday I called him constantly with accusations of all these things I imagine he is up to, girls he may have been with sending my own head in a spin because over the years he has said he has done it then he says he hasnt, Its like I need all these questions answered before i can lay it to rest, but he loves it, he busy tones me then switches of his phone, he will even say text me and when i do he blanks it!.. He hides the alcoholism behind other things taking my mind off the drink and abuse, making that my focus!.. Im exhausted!.

    Today I have not called him once, Its been hard but if i can give up the 20 fags a day I can give this up to, Normally by now we have spoke 4/5 times and he has not called me either. I have to keep walking!.. I cant do this any more… He was seen on saturday not only drunk but high on drugs to, bragging about the pills he had taken… he was in the pub when I called at 10am, and he drunk called me at 5am sunday morning.. Thats some drugs and drink Its getting worse, Its best I grieve now than in the not so distant future when the drink takes his life, as his partner!..
    I hope the DRINK was worth it!.

    I pray a year from now for my 40th birthday I can look back and realise it wasnt ME!..

  189. Bob on November 26th, 2010 5:58 pm

    Ok, been in and out of dysfunctional relationships. The first one was for years and after I left that relationship, my whole world began to open up. But time did not. I spent many years with someone i thought i was going to be with and have a family with.
    She wasn’t even close.
    I waited a year before dating again, as that first mentioned relationship had been dead and over for years (even though i stayed).
    Finally, I met someone 10 years my junior, who although she played a good game, had more emotional issues than I could bare. After losing my job, I moved in with this “fake person.” She thought that I was going to be his “sugar daddy.” For a while I was, and when the money ran out, she wasn’t interested me at all.
    I’ve moved with family and moved on with my life, when i thought I met the person of my dreams.
    I thought be careful this time….but here I was again…in love.
    Little did I know she was an undercover alcoholic.
    Strange thing is, I really love her.
    I have no children, she has none, and we planned to live our life together…but I quickly found out she’s in debt (mostly because of failure to pay rent).
    And when she was drunk, it’s was the worst. Belittling me and making me feel like everything in my life was a mess. I was always to blame for any argument, and I become a “dead beat, who didn’t have anything to offer her.”
    I finally decided to leave her.
    Just walked away (didn’t live with her-so that was a plus).
    It’s hard knowing that when she’s not drunk she was the most kind and thoughtful person. But enough after arguing apologizing and the constant every other week arguing…had taken it’s toll.
    She’s stopped calling me, after I refused to leave my family for the holiday’s to spend it with her in her usual weekly hangover day(s).
    Because she lost her parents very young, she was always frowning when I mentioned mine.
    Ah, I guess it’s all for the best.

  190. Marjorie on December 12th, 2010 6:44 pm

    I am in the process of divorcing an alcoholic. We have been married for almost 9 years. We separated several times over the years and have spent more time apart than we did together. We have been separated for almost 2 years this time.

    I have 3 sons who were 12, 15, and 18 when we married. My kids saw all the things a marriage is not supposed to be. The thing I regret the most is that my sons witnessed me putting up with his drunken tirades and they lost so much respect for me.

    He called me names, belittled me, yelled, accused, etc. He was never physically violent, but the last straw happened when he came home drunk, picked up his gun, and told my youngest son who was 18 year old at the time to “give him an excuse”.

    I was sucked in to believing so many times that he would change for me…that is not how it works; an alcoholic does not change for anyone but himself–as it should be.

    I have lost most of my earthly possessions the last couple years, but the peace and quiet I have now is priceless. I can now enjoy sleeping all night. I am finding out again who I am and what I actually like.

    Love is not about spending your life miserably… no one should have to live in the bondage of an alcoholic.

  191. Cindy on December 13th, 2010 12:48 pm

    I’ve been living with my alcoholic husband for seven years, six in-patient rehabs, nearly 40 hospitalizations, three ketoacidosis comas, and finally, this week, an attempt to blow up my house followed by a suicide attempt where he slit his own throat in front of me and our children. The police arrived just in time. He is now in a psych ward and, believe it or not, he tells me his plan for when he gets out is to come back home and try to get a job. He was in a black-out when all of this happened and so doesn’t remember the details while my children and I are re-living the vivid details in night and day-mares. This was the last straw for me. I no longer feel I can stay in this relationship and remain physically, emotionally, spiritually or financially safe. I can’t rescue him or protect him or stop him from the path that he chooses in his life. Now is the time for me.

  192. Chris on December 17th, 2010 3:22 pm

    I keep reading and rereading these kinds of discussions about the trials and tribulations of loving an alcoholic. My heart is saddened immensely. Here’s a story:

    I searched 21 years to locate my birth family. I met my beautiful Native American mother and she passed away just 4 months later, two days before I had planned vacation from work to introduce her grandchildren to her. She died of hyperkalemia. She too was an alcoholic as well as my birth father who passed away of cirhossis at 42-years-old.

    I was in a committed relationship of 12 years at the time I met my mother and I have a daughter 11 years old. I left all behind for the chance to become included in this family I spent a lifetime dreaming about.

    I met a gorgeous, intelligent, Native man that by coincidence was the partner to an older aunt of mine that had passed away 5 years prior. The obituary of this aunt of mine was the key point in the success of finding my mother. I had read my boyfriend’s name at lease a thousand times in my files and never considered it to be of any importance. He is a close friend of my family. He is a severe alcoholic, almost a replica to my abusive alcoholic adoptive father. I feel as though he’s had some role in my life long before we met. There are so many coincidences.

    My boyfriend has been through many difficult hardships not by his own doing. His mother was brutally raped and murdered when he was very young, so him and his alcoholic sister were adopted out. My cousin passed away when my boyfriend was serving time, and just one month later my aunt, the love of his life, passed on just before his release. He does have some real bad luck and that never seems to help matters.

    On one of the first worst episodes, I had traveled to attend to some court issues in regard to custody proceedings with my daughter. This paperwork had to be signed, stamped, and dated in person. The particular day it had to be done was on his birthday. He drank a “jug” himself and ended up siezing, falling down a flight of stairs at my aunt’s house. He was taken away by ambulance and I got the call about it all 5 hours after my arrival 400 miles away. I did what I had to do and drove back immediately afterward to the hospital. It was so saddening to see him in that condition; curled up in fetal position, incoherent, reaking of booze, bloodened, and hooked up to iv’s for 2 days and then another 3 days in detox. He has been to detox twice this year.

    He’s a Windsor drinker; straigt. He presents the stereotypical persona of every “drunken Indian.” Every time is a fight, every time is hurtful words and actions, every time seems to be a crucial time when I need him most and he can’t follow through. His past drinking has caused him much loss; his son, discharge from military, jail, prison, license revocation (enumical to public safety), jobs, and losing friends and family because they can’t deal with his alcoholism.
    Last night was an extremely difficult one. I arrived home from work to walk into a house with him and my aunt just tanked. I had just told him the day before how happy I was that he had made it 26 days without a drink. I have seen this aunt of mine (his best friend) stick her snotty drunk assed face on the lips of my boyfriend on three occasions before. It was made clear that she was not welcome in my home and I told them both I don’t trust either of them when they drink. The night ended up with me begging her to leave, then threatening her what I’ll do to make her leave, then dragging her out by her hair down the stairs, to the cold bitter outside. I did not want this result, but she refused to go.

    Now, I face the thought of making him leave. I can’t take it anymore. I cannot trust him, I have lost all faith that we can make it work. I have tried Al-Anon and it’s not for me. I read the book one day at a time and it sometimes helps but I am more lonely now than ever. I want the chaos to end, I just don’t know how to “grow some” and toss him out. I love this man so much, even with all of his faults. I have guilt about where he will stay, who will be there for him, and getting it through his thick skull that I’ve had all I can take.

    Of couse all of our stories are much more than what we can write on these pages in a brief period. I would love to say much more. I just needed to get some feeling out now. I hope that what I’ve written simply lets all of you realize we’re not alone.

    I’m greatful I found this site.

  193. Riana on December 25th, 2010 7:21 pm

    I have been married for under a year. I dated my now husband for six months long distance prior to getting married and moved from Australia to the States. I gave up my friends and family and not to mention happy successful career to be with him. He is a binge drinker and now has had 11 binges over the last 12 months. Initially each binge used to last 2-3 days. By time we got to 5th binge it was lasting about 5 days. The most recent binge last 21 continuous days. He has missed 2 months of work and admits he has a problem.
    I have gone from seeking help for him and myself to now not being able to believe any of his promises of getting help. He keeps promising there wont be a next time. Here is the kicker. He does not see how his drinking hurts me or why I find his drunken behavior abusive. He demeans me and devalues what i do no matter what i do when I voice my concern for him. He doesn’t think I have a right to say anything about his drinking. He has been to a week of rehab and then relapsed after 2 days out.
    I am at my wits end. I have looked into divorce and he is saying really hurtful things like I married him for immigration etc (not true as I moved from australia. I moved to be with him not for opportunity) in fact I have had a hard time finding a job in the city we live as we live in a small town. I work in a specialized area within large organizations. He gets angry when I question his apologies now and says I should accept it. He has physically hurt me twice and says he didnt mean it therefore Im making a big deal.
    Given all the facts at hand why am I finding it so hard to leave him? what is wrong with me.

  194. Riana on December 26th, 2010 12:24 am

    I was thinking that this could be a great place to speak to other women leaving an alcoholic spouse. Or at least thinking of. My husband spent dec 1st to 21st drunk continuously (mixing antidepressants on top of that) and continues to blame his behavior on me. This has been going on all year and progressively getting worse and we’ve only been married a year (like mentioned on previous post) His parents then reinforce that on top of that saying I haven’t been “supportive”. I dont know what that means when Ive been telling all year to stop drinking nd taken him to his therapist appointments, I have been to divorce support forums but I think dealing with an alcoholic is somewhat a different ball game. I created an anon email address for this purpose-
    tempuser14@yahoo.com We can exchange ph no from there..
    I really would love to speak to other women going through this. Im having a really hard time with this and this site has given me hope that Im not selfish or crazy for not wanting to continue in his cycle.

  195. liz on January 2nd, 2011 10:03 am

    are there any other women from the kansas city area living with an alcoholic? i moved here with my fiance in 2010 and have no support sysyem. would love for another femaile to talk to

  196. itstime on January 4th, 2011 5:47 am

    A year and a half in and I’ve had it. It’s quarter past five in the morning and I’ve been up all night. Anxious, angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc.

    Mine is familiar story: wonderful man when he’s sober, ridiculous when he’s drunk. I knew about his past troubles with alcohol and drugs when we met, yet I still thought it would be fine if we got together. In the last year he has used my debit card without my permission, stolen prescription drugs from me, attempted to come visit me and my five-year-old daughter while totally shit-faced, lied to me, etc. Always an apology or an excuse, always a break from drinking, always a relapse.

    And, in my desperation due to other circumstances in my life, I asked him to move in with me and my daughter four months ago. I share custody with her dad, so she is not here every night. On the nights she’s not here, he’s started up with the drinking again and smoking tons of weed. He also goes down to the basement of our apartment building to smoke weed when she IS here.

    (I’m writing all of this out and I feel like a complete fool for allowing any of this shit to go on)

    When he is around my daughter, he does not drink. She LOVES him to death as I do. He’s an incredibly wonderful step-dad. He loves to teach her new things and watch movies with her, cook with her, play and sing songs. All the good stuff. BUT. He came home completely wasted a week ago when she was staying with us. She fell asleep with me in my bed and luckily didn’t hear him when he came in. I can’t believe it, either, as he was singing to the cat, stumbling all around, bumping into things. I had to run out of the room twice to tell him to shut the hell up and go to sleep on the couch.

    Ugh.

    To add to the fun, he’s been unemployed for almost three months now. I pay all the bills and give him money, too. I must be out of my freaking mind.

    When I tell him that I want him to leave, I am not sure where he will go. His family is very supportive so he might be able to stay with his parents, perhaps a friend. But he has no car, no job, no money. I feel badly for him and do love him, but I need to do the right thing for me and my daughter. Her dad left me two years ago for another woman, so she’s just getting used to the split household thing. And loves my boyfriend enough to gleefully call him step-daddy whenever she gets the chance. Seeing my little girl heart-broken is going to kill me, but in the long run, it will be better for all of us.

    Sigh. It felt really good to get all of that out.

    Good luck to all of you out there who are struggling with your relationships with alcoholics. I grew up with alcoholic parents and know what sort of road I’ve been set up to follow. The good thing is that I can see another path to take and I know that I’m strong enough to take it. I hope you are, too!

  197. Yuko on January 11th, 2011 12:58 pm

    I posted on June 1st, 2010. I was pretty depressed then. My husband is a functional alcoholic. I finally got help, I’m seeing a therapist and attending Al-Anon meeting since last July.

    I learned so much about alcoholism at Al-Anon meeting.
    “Alcoholism is an illness—The first thing to acknowledge, believe, and accept is that alcoholics suffer from a real sickness—sickness which affects all those close to them.

    “The family’s best defense against the emotional impact of alcoholism is to gain knowledge of this disease and achieve growth in emotional maturity and courage needed to put it into effect.”

    “The person closest to the alcoholic may need more assistance and counseling than the alcoholic in beginning an effective recovery program. Alcoholism is an illness that has tremendous emotional impact upon the immediate family.”

    “3C—You didn’t cause it, can’t control it and no cure.”

    “Step1—We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

    I’m no longer a big enabler, I realized that muc of my discomfort comes from my attitudes. I am practicing loving detachment. We all have choices, leave or divorce an alcoholic, or stay married. Either way you still need a help, you have to take care of yourself and learn to live again. I recommend all of you to attend Al-Anon meeting. Be strong, you’re not a victim.

  198. Sandra on January 12th, 2011 6:12 pm

    Hello:
    I filed for divorce in June, 2010. The last and final straw was a phone call that I received from a dear, childhood friend telling me that she saw my husband in a local park with his girlfriend and they were definitely “together”. I have known about her for three years – knowledge of inappropriate text messages, meetings before work, late night phone calls, etc. Who knows what else – at this point it doesn’t matter. He is still in denial and will never change or quit drinking. I lived with the drinking and abuse for 25+ years so I have had enough. I filed for divorce and I am moving forward with my life. It has not been easy and I am nervous about being alone however, I was alone anyways. He never wanted to do anything together. He never wanted to spend time as a family. He never attended any sporting events that the kids had and use to complain when he had to go to a choir concert. We did all go out to eat on Father’s day but he only spoke to the children, not to me. He hasn’t slept in bed for three years and absolutely refused to go to marriage counseling. I begged him for three years to go to counseling but he wouldn’t hear of it. I have lived with verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse and neglect for many, many years and I have had enough. I told him a long time ago that I was unhappy because of his drinking. I did everything I could to save the marriage. I was very much an enabler and codependent. Not anymore. I am taking care of me now and forever. I attended Al-Anon and started to practice what I learned at home. I would sit at the table every night and listen to him talk about work, etc. I tried to be supportive. As soon as he hit beer #6, 7, 8…… the abuse started and I would get up and walk away. I quit taking the abuse and started to emotionally detach from him. This is when he found someone to talk to at work. He has lied many times about things with her and right now, I feel like they deserve each other. She is married as well so I don’t know where they stand with each other now. It doesn’t matter. When I use to hear the words “detach with love”, I struggled to understand. I know now that it is the beholder to determine what those words mean. I detached from him because I love myself. My self esteem was so very low that it couldn’t go much lower. One will never understand what verbal, emotional, mental abuse can do to a person unless you’ve lived with it. I am feeling better now that some time has passed. I will feel even better after I am away from him. I am looking forward to a new life, free of drama and abuse. I read books and reread these blogs a lot. It just makes me feel better.
    Thanks for listening and reading.
    Sandy

  199. Jae on January 15th, 2011 5:32 pm

    My story is so much like many others. Married for 12 years to a functional alcoholic & I’ve regretted it. We’ve had more bad times than good, at least from my perspective–it’s been all roses for him. I wished I hadn’t pushed to get married so I wouldn’t feel so badly about wanting out.

    His drinking has driven me to question my sanity. Mine, not his! I’ve had to seek counseling in order to determine if the guilt & frustration & my want to run away is “normal.” He has cut down on his drinking, no longer gets falling down, stupid drunk, but just “buzzed” enough to be troublesome.

    He knows I’m struggling with staying or leaving. He wants me to stay as he says I am his life. He says he will hate me & be angry at me & he doesn’t know what he will do. I’m afraid for him & sometimes myself. He owns many guns & in the past he’s talked of suicide. He says I should reward him for not drinking as much, that I should be happy to be with him for the rest of my life & that all my negative feelings are in my head & aren’t real.

    He has told me his whole family & our friends will hate me if I leave. He calls me a selfish b*tch for wanting to leave & for not caring enough about him. He tells me I’ve wasted his life for the past 12 years, he could’ve been with someone better. I try & tell him that’s the only reason why I’ve stayed, was to care for him & try to be a good enough wife so he wouldn’t have a reason to drink.

    I feel like a failure to him & to myself for staying so long. I wasn’t brought up around addiction at all. I was brought up, however, to be a loving helpful person to those who need help the most. It’s funny, they don’t tell you how to not lose yourself while helping others!

    I’m not afraid to live on my own, I am more afraid for him & that’s where I stand. Do I stay to give him comfort & play the part–which isn’t fair to either one of us. Or do I leave for my comfort & selfishness & promote his despair? My words & feelings are not uncommon, as I see from these posts. I hope we all can find some peace in the decisions we have to make.

  200. anna on January 18th, 2011 2:06 am

    i been living with an alcholic for 7 years. we are not married and we have no kids. i am 29, and he is 37. he does not work, all he does all day is watch tv, or on his computer and thinking where and how to get drunk with his friends or alone. a year ago he went to rehab he was there for a month, when he got out he was going to AA meetings and was not drinking for 6 months. after this period everything went back to the same, now everything like he never went to rehab. when he drinks he becames a monter, he asks very crazy, and its so hard to calm him down. i can not even leave the house as i know when i do he would run out and get drunk and then i have to deal with him until 2 or 3am, and then when he wakes up first think he wants is a drink. at this points all i want is to leave. i dont want to go to analon meetings, because they tell you how to live with alcholic, and i dont want to live with him anymore. i want. I want to start a new life wihtout him. please help…

  201. Paula Burgess on January 25th, 2011 7:12 pm

    Try living with it for almost 40 years..After 3 years of total sobriety..after a scary flip over accident which resulted in his second dui..6 mos suspension of his license, almost 3 yrs of having to blow into a breathliazer attached to his igntion …the day it was removed (Unbeknownst to me of course) my sober husband came home in a drunken stupor and has been disgustingly drunk every single day starting in the morning for the past month. I have never seen or heard him as ugly and foul mouthed towards me as much as he is now..I was sick i nbed with bronchitis for almost two weeks..and he didnt so much as bring me a glass of water.The things this man has done are so far fetched..no one in their right mind would believe it..My two wonderful children are out on their own… thank you God and are trying hard to get their lives together..They witnesssed many good years with their father and also many years of shear hell..I will not subject them to any of this.My son is newly engaged and wants nothing to do with him…rightfully so..He bragged to all his friends that his Dad had beat his addictions and is now not only embarrassed but totally in disgust that the horror is back and even more uglier than ever..I have Multiple Scleroisis..and he has not been supportive of me in any way since my Diagnosis. I had a dangerous spinal cord injury after suffering a broken neck and was given my life back after being able to walk out of the hospital…and I ma grateful for every step I take. All but two brothers who live out of state are deceased in my family and my husbands family wants nothing to do with him..which leaves me no where.For those three years I thought I was in heaven with how he treated me with kid gloves…and then it all changed in the blink of an eye! I have tried to work again but it is too difficult with the risdual pain I have from having four surgeries..This man is a time bomb..I no longer carere what he does to himself..Not anymore..For three years we were joined at the hip.. and it was all a lie.Our diets were impeccable..our life was finally happy..Do I forsee this happening again?Not a chance…I soon will be 64 yrs old..and have no one to turn to.. We were working side by side for three years slowly renovating the house we bought many years ago,,,and almost lost several times due to his drinking..but we were finally seeing results of the hard work..Then it just stopped! If something happens to his health..he says he doesnt care..If he gets another dui..he will go to jail from 5 to 8 months. and tells me I will lose everything without him..in an ugly way..There is no more money..he has spent it on legal representaton & fines & fees to get himself out of trouble and now right back into his hell hole once again.Shame on this man who has two wonderful children..and a good faithful wife who stood by him through all the hell he made out of his life.He has also taken many many drugs..but doesnt care..he has stated that there isnt anyone in this world that will stop him from doing what he wants and he has been right so far..I have now left this in Gods hands..because I can no longer handle it. He has blamed me for everything that has happened to him..I never drank..I dont smoke….and I have been there for him since day one..Other than walking out and ending up in some dirty shelter somewhere I sit and wait for the inevitable.. And its really now all in God’s hands..I’m too old & broken and very tired to even care anymore what happens to him. Someday we will all sit at the table of consequences…

  202. Vicki on January 27th, 2011 3:05 am

    Wow…..My story is like many others. I was married to my alcoholic husband for 17 years before I divorced him almost 2 years ago. I thought once I left I would be able to move on and finally live a peaceful life with my two children.

    My husband was a functional alcoholic but when he drank he was unbearable to live with; never physically abusive but verbally abusive to me at times. Often embarrassing me at my sons sporting events and work parties. I did the crying, yelling, hiding, threatening to leave thing over the years, but in the end nothing worked. I finally had my breaking point two years ago and filed for divorce.

    My morning Kevin is easy to talk to, loving, reasonable, rational and the man I fell in love with. The night Kevin is the man I’ve grown to despise.

    Here I am two years out and my ex husband has cut down on his drinking, only after losing his license twice and being diagnosed with diabetes, but he still drinks. A couple weeks ago he drove again with the kids in the car…..my daughter is 17 and when she realized he had been drinking she screamed at him to pull over and was so angry at him for doing that, she didn’t talk to him for a few days. I was so disappointed because I thought he was doing better. I know he has been around other women at times and it breaks my heart because I can’t stand the thought of another women getting to have “my morning Kevin” Sometimes I’m scared someone else will get to have the sober Kevin. I know he loves me still because he tells me. He says he cant stay sober on his own and I tell him he couldn’t when I lived there either. I can’t commit to him right now because I don’t trust him and his drinking. But again here I am at 2am in the morning longing to be with him. I’m scared he will never get well but I know I can’t be with him when he drinks. I want to move on but I can’t. I feel like I’m waiting for something that may never happen. I’m still consumed with everything that is going on in his life…wanting to make sure he is ok.

    I was wrong, just because you get divorced from the alcoholic, doesnt mean you let go and move on. Yes my house is at peace with my children. I don’t live with the stress I lived with when we were married, but I’m still addicted to him.

    I WANT TO MOVE ON, BUT WHY DO I HANG ON TO SOMETHING THAT MAY NEVER HAPPEN?

    HELP!!!!

  203. cynthia on January 28th, 2011 10:14 pm

    so even as i sit here typing my husband is drunk and passed out in our bed. the bed that i no longer sleep in because it has been urinated in so many times over the past three years. he binges every 7-8 weeks and it lasts for about a week each time. i hate it that this is my life.
    i want to leave but for some reason i stay. we have a ten month old daughter who absolutely adores her father, but it just oesnt seem right that she should have to grow up around this nonsense.
    the worst part about his drinking is that it has changed me. i dont like the person i have become. i counter his verbal abuse with such a mean and cold heart in the name of self preservation. im not a mean person. i have allowed his drinking to do this to me. as my dad would say, its time to shit or get off the pot. it seems like such an easy decision. why am i making it so hard?

  204. Deanna on January 29th, 2011 8:57 pm

    Hi I have four children. My husband and i have had problems like everyone’s here. But, there was a time when we had a bad fight and he pull a gun and my kids were around. I left for about a month. He call and call crying and crying. I ended up going back to him. I thought since hes been out of a job and I was working fulltime that it had made him depressed. Like he was useless, but i tried to let him know that he wasn’t and he fell off his rocker. Today I am still with him he drink all the time. I just took my ged test and plan on going to college. Once I get a job where I can take care of my kids I will be gone.

  205. Patricia on February 2nd, 2011 3:42 pm

    Thank you to all of you who are so courageous to have shared your stories. I have had a problem with my spouse’s drinking for many decades. I have already found some answers I need from your stories. God bless all of us on this journey.

  206. Vicki on February 5th, 2011 8:28 pm

    Deanna on January 29 8:57

    Your story scares me. I am so glad you are getting your GED. Education is the key to not relying on your husband, but don’t let your lack of money resources keep you and your kids in an unsafe environment. Remember any dysfunctional behavior will impact your kids.

    It is common for the alcoholic to project their problems on other people. They create their own drama and they own the disease. I do understand where you are coming from. I lived with my alcoholic husband for 1 year after we were divorced because he was unemployed (because of the economy) and I was working. I felt the need to take care of him, but you only can do that for so long. Your sanity is worth more then that!!!

    I once read a great quote that really spoke volumes to me:

    We may have spent years trying to negotiate with people who didn’t play fair. Diseases such as alcoholism don’t negotiate. They win……until recovery begins.

    We will never win when we are opposing an alcoholic mind. They feel justified in every action they take. ” I drink because you don’t have sex with me,” or “I drink because you nag me.” They don’t take responsibility for their own actions.

    May God grant you the strength to make the right decisions. And remember you only can change yourself and your response to things around you. Your husband owns his problem. Not you.

    Vicki

  207. Danielle on February 6th, 2011 1:07 am

    So a quick bio of myself. I am 25 years old and I have 3 beautiful children ages 9,7, & 4. My oldest daughter I had when I was 16. When she was about 9mo her father and I split up and I then ran into a old friend from high school that I graduated about two years prior. “The alcoholic”. The father of my two other children and the reason why I am writing this right now. So we have been together since I was 17 yrs old so that will 9 years this October. We are not married but we have been living together since I was 18 and found out that I was pregnant with our son. We were once engaged but with the rollercoaster that alcohol has caused in our relationship I just knew I did not want to marry him if he continued to drink and even today I stick with that. I know how stupid that sounds bc we live just like a married couple the only difference is we do not have a legal paper that says we are husband and wife. I think by me not making it official it gives me a little sense of feeling I’m not completely stuck with him and this situation even though feel I am.
    My story is like most that have posted on here. So I don’t want to feel like I am repeating to much bc like most when dealing with an alcoholic for years we could probably write a book series on our life.
    But as of today he has had 3DUI’s. His first DUI got dismissed bc he completed a program 2nd was a misd. And his 3 was a felony but as long as he completed everything the courts agreed to amend it to a misd as long as he completed his probation. He was placed on daily med and breathalyzers. And for once he got sober. He was sober for 6 months and we were living separate during that time and I saw the change in him and allowed him to move back. Once back he started to drink and knew how and when to do it and not get caught while still on probation. He knew when to stop drinking so he was able to pass his breathalyzers. I work in the courts and our home issues were made quiet public in 08 when he got his felony DUI. But when he started drinking again I felt that the court was my only help getting him sober so yes I did something that if he found out today I did he would never talk to me again… I emailed his probation officer and informed her of the situation and his current drinking. About week later we had a home visit where someone comes in your house and makes sure the person on probation is not drinking or has alcohol in the house. And of course bc inhad to work late that night he was completely drunk and failed and there for got put back in jail for two weeks. And the judge threatened him that next time he will send him to prison. One thing the judge couldn’t believe when talking to Justin the potential success he has and that he does not see many people that go through his courtroom with a goal and a awesome job. Yep imam with what we call a functioning alcoholic. Which in my opinion just as bad if not worse then one that doesn’t have a job nc he uses this as an excuse to drink “well I’m not some deadbeat alcoholic that doesn’t work” is what he says.
    So getting to the point he got out of jail September 1st 2008 and remained sober until December 15th 2009 the day he got off probation and it has been a downward spiral ever since. I can say is drinking is not everyday like before but it’s when he drinks he goes all night. And the emotional and verbal has started up again but it is alot harsher bc we both have alot of built up anger toward each other and when he drinks it comes out. He has not yet got physical but todayit got pretty close. My def of pysical is him hitting me w/ his hand but today he throw a pillow at me knowing I was hold a cup of hot coffee which pour all over me, he flung our bedroom door open knowing I was right there and it hit me and last ripped my straightner out of the wall 3x while I was usingit each time with such force the cord hit me. At the same time cussing at me calling me ever name in the book right in front of our children. I know for my own happiness and the sake of my kids I can’t keep going in like this. I am so depressed over him I am losing myself and it is putting me in such a black hole I don’t
    have the energy to really deal with my kids and that is not fair to
    them or myself that I am letting his issues effect me like this. I keep
    just hoping that he will get it and stop and I can have that person back that didn’t drink but I think he is long gone. Therefore I need to
    move on but I am scared to fail. I envy everyone of you that got the courage to leave. I hope one day I can be like you. Well thanks for listening.

  208. Katie Walsh on February 7th, 2011 1:48 pm

    I don’t know what to do, if anything. I actually feel lucky when I read some of the other comments because my situation isn’t as bad as the others, but I’m not happy.

    Don’t get me wrong, my husband drinks, he drinks every day from the minute he gets home from work at 4 in the afternoon until he goes to bed at night. On the weekends he starts just after lunch. He doesn’t get falling down drunk, but he’s slurring be the end of the night, and when he passes out in the bed I can barely sleep in the room because the alcohol makes him snore so loud. He also takes sleeping meds so he can’t be woken up once he passes out so it’s impossible to wake him.

    I’m not attracted to him anymore, because he’s never sober when he wants to get intimate. Even when he’s not drunk, like in the mornings, he reeks of alcohol like it’s coming out of his pores. The air in our bedroom stinks of alcohol that’s on his breath when he’s sleeping.

    I find glasses all over the house and in the garage that he left sitting around while he’s drinking. The last time I confronted him he started hiding bottles around the house.

    He’s not abusive but he’s clearly unhappy, and he’s just started mixing antidepressants/anti anxiety meds with the alcohol. He’s deep down such a sweet guy, but lately he’s more and more unpleasant with me and our daughters and start lots of arguments. He often forgets entire conversations that we have in the evenings.

    When he gets drunk he retreats to the computer and spends hours on it. When he gets off the computer he erases everywhere he’s been. I don’t trust him. He only does the minimum household chores after I nag and nag about it and never seems to want to do things with the kids.

    I’ve talked to him about his drinking over and over but he won’t quit, not even for a day. He refuses to admit it’s a problem. I think I should separate to see if he’ll clean himself up, but what if he doesn’t? I’m scared of taking the chance I’d lose him for good. There’s lots of lonely women in our town who I know would be happy to put up with a little alcoholism to have him – am I being too picky? And how can I do that to our children? They hate it when he’s mean, but they want us to be together.

    I can’t talk to anyone because everyone we know is friends with us as a couple and they love him, he’s very popular – and I just couldn’t do that to him in their eyes. I don’t want to go to Alanon, I’m too ashamed and afraid I’ll see someone that I know there.

    I feel alone and powerless and I don’t know what to do.

  209. Riana on February 7th, 2011 11:21 pm

    Hi all,

    I had posted some time ago when i was still in limbo about leaving my husband. Now two months later I have signed settlement papers as of last Friday. He refused to ‘allow me to divorce” him when I finally decided in Jan.
    I have moved to another state and living in limbo with friends until I find a job. I can not tell you how relieved and at peace I am comparatively to last 3 months of hell.
    He has now missed 4 months of work and may not have a job to go back to. He is back in rehab for 2nd time in 3 months.
    I miss him sometimes, but I realize that it is not HIM I miss rather the idea of him,, the idea that one day he may actually keep all the promises he made. To date he has yet to keep a single one and he says I dont give him enough chances. He calls me from rehsb to tell me that he realises what he did and how he tore our life apart and apologizes sincerely. I broke down and sobbed thinking, wow he finally gets it. Then two days later, I am shown to be the fool. He is back to saying how I handled things badly as I was so distraught over his constant drinking. How I should not have been affected, that if I had not been affected he would not be drinking. I should be helping him and that I have not done enough for him. Unbelievable. I no longer have to listen to his lies, insincere promises and emotional manipulations.
    i have realized that he relies on manipulating me into believing it is I who has been inadequate and hence drives his drinking. Being away from him I can see that is not true and no matter what I did it was not going to stop him from hitting the bottle.
    He has gone from telling me that the pain I feel is all in my head and that it is me who has a problem; to now saying that he recognizes he has a ‘disease” however I told him in reaponse what I have learnt in al anon and believe, that having this disease is a explanation not an excuse and he is STILL responsible for the actions and behaviors. One thing that has comforted me is that friends who know what I have gone through every step of the way tell me that i have done above what any sane person would have and that I have been a wonderful partner he should have felt lucky to have. I know it sounds silly but it makes me feel less inadequate. Some of these people have been HIS friends for a long time prior to I being in the picture and have been supportive of me.

    Unfortunately his mother has cleaned up and taken care of my husband’s (soon to be ex) father for over 20 years and believes this is a woman’s role. So she has no understanding or respect for what a marriage should be, which is unfortunate because she has now raised a son who treats women the same way. So his family simply enables and makes excuses for him which means he has a steeper hill to climb.
    I know that I deserve to be a in relationship of mutual respect and understanding and I have a right to be heard when my partner’s behavior is causing me pain, not merely dismissed. This is not unreasonable.

    Reading all these posts has given me great comfort and in times where I question whether all this really has transpired in my life; I go and read above posts and am reminded about how much of the experiences shared is similar of my story. Women who have not dealt with alcoholic partner really do not understand the level of manipulations, verbal mostly (and sometimes physical in my case) abuse and excuses that is dealt with. My heart really goes out to all of you and hope that you find the strength to do what is right for you. Just know that you deserve a partnership not an abusive cycle.

  210. someone on February 10th, 2011 10:18 pm

    Hello ,I have been with my partner over 2 1/2 yrs. He is an alcoholic but doesn`t drink everyday.He also smokes pot regularly.He also gambles occasionally. I am so sad and then so angry. When my partner drinks he either wants to get loud and keep me awake or he gets me and wants to rant and fight. Nothing calms him down. I work 12 hour shifts and he will do this when I have 3 shifts to do in 3 days. I am worn down and tired of it all. I am made to be responsible to provide everything while he only pays half of the rent, phone and cable and I have to pay for everything else. I refuse to provide booze for him any longer. He does work hard and he has a huge car payment and feels because he pays that and i get to use the car for my work I should be willing to pay for everything else. I can never win and I feel all I do is nag to try to get him to see my way and then it leads to an agruement. We have broken up numerous times and i have always returned after he promises things will be different. His few friends support and enable him to drink as they are boozers too. I am not rich and I cannot afford to live on my own and without a car I am unable to work and he provides the car. I also have to drive him to and from work so he doesn`t have to pay for $7 /day parking or else I have to pay for this too. Anytime I try to talk to him he sees it all as put downs and insults on who he is when I try to explain how this affects me. I am so depressed and sad and then so angry. He thinks everything is my fault and cannot or will not listen to my needs or wants. I want to leave but the part of me that still loves him ( God knows why)won`t allow me to leave. I left last summer for 4 months and refused to see or speak to him. He had been running around and immediately started living with this woman and this was the second woman in a year he did this with to me. He tells me he loves me and yet all he does is yell and blame me for everything. I go to work and I come home. I am not able to go anywhere without having to let him kniow where I am going . I am 46 years old and I am made to feel like a disobeniant child if I don`t listen. He thinks I am the running around on him all the time and I go nowhere but work and home.Valentines is coming and I am the loneliest I have ever felt in 12 yrs since my divorce.He recently pushed me hard when I pushed his shoulder with one hand lightly and left red marks on my chest from shoving me so hard. I know this is the beginning of what will be more physical abuse and I hate him for making me mistrust him even more. I own everything in my home and I have worked hard for it and I do not want to lose anything when I have lost almost 3 years already with someone who can`t even love himself. Thank you for allowing me to vent. This website makes me realize I am not alone .. thank you!!

  211. someone on February 14th, 2011 8:58 am

    UPDATE: I left him the 2 days after he got drunk and flipped out trashing my apartment because I wouldn`t give him the keys to go drinking and driving…. packed his stuff , put it in his car and called him to say , come get your car but don`t try to come inside. I live in a secure building. I am lucky he didn`t beat me in his rage but it was enough to wake me up to how bad this relationship had become. I will do what is necessary to get my life back and start to look after ME. Life with an alcoholic isn`t any life anyone deserves and when I let go of the dream he would change.. I changed. When I stopped enabling him he got angry and angrier. When I stopped caring about only him and started caring more about me .. I removed the cloud and I see the truth.

  212. Donna on February 19th, 2011 5:43 pm

    How do you leave the alcoholic when he is the only income? We don’t have children (Thank God) but do have pets that I could not leave with him or find homes for. We own a home and live in a rural mountain area of Calif. We married in 1994. He was 12 years sober. He’s in the military and started secretly drinking again in 2001 – after 9/11. I didn’t find out until 2003. It’s been especially worse in the last 5 years. He blames me (of course) because I don’t want to be intimate with him and says that’s why he drinks. I need to leave because I know he won’t seek rehab or therapy for traumatic childhood issues, his denial prevents that logic. But I have no family or friends who can take me in temporarily (along with my animals) until I can get work. So I’m going to stick it out until I can get a job and get the heck out. I pray it won’t be long because the nights are long with him, his poison of the night and the growing silence between us.

  213. Bonnie Ell on February 21st, 2011 3:55 pm

    I married a “closet” alcoholic in 2006, and lost almost all my possessions and my assets after 40 yrs, he was incredibly strategic, and had been searching for easy prey. I decided to remarry this man, and unfortunately my dear son had to witness a very self-destructive and manipulative man who constantly played games. He’d been planning my asset acquisition from the beginning. We moved clear across Canada to help this man achieve his career dreams. I became the house maid. I lost my home, and most of my assets accumulated over 30 years. It was a nightmare and we were caught in the lion’s den of chauvinist lawyers – they took it all. Thankfully, after all the abuse, my son and I are free now. I know this man would have ended our lives – he was & probably still is very very sick. My advice, protect your children at all costs, don’t let gov’t interfere, and change the locks if you can because that’s what my X did, left us homeless in winter -35 celsius. It took me years to discuss this openly, I was so ashamed, but if it saves one family, it’s worth it. I thought for years, he might apologize for his cruelty and greed, but I realized last year there is no shame in being conned by a sick liar. We must move forward and forgive ourselves for having loved someone who took advantage of our strength. Be strong, leave.

  214. Mike on February 22nd, 2011 12:34 pm

    Thank god I’m not alone. Thank you all for been so open and honest, unlike our spouses. I see I’m one of the few male sufferers. Happily married 8 yrs; past 3 a rapidly worsening nightmare. Despite a deep love for my wife, I would leave her if I could. Unfortunately she is completely codependant, owns nothing, doesn’t work, her family have abandoned her and she threatens suicide if I leave. I,m OK, she isn’t and I have this moral obligation to hangin’ there.
    Please tell me it’s alright to leave. I want to be happy again.

  215. Sarah on February 22nd, 2011 2:51 pm

    It had never occured to me to read sites like this until I ended my 7 year relationship with an alcoholic It seems so many partners are suffering with depression or mental health problems so was I . This cannot be right surely if you are becoming ill its best to leave ,two ill people is no good at all,I am also disabled so I have my own battles not self inflicted either I might add.I just found my partners selfish behaviour went beyond belief even though luckily I did not live with him, I am not convinced in the idea alcoholism is an illness ,its a self indulgent addiction, he had endless help and just exploited it to his own end ,infact he probably to some extent he enjoys his endless partying, never working doing exactly what he wants reguardless of whether it hurts people just like a spoilt child and then occasionally he would want to stop and expect sympathy and then starts again a few days later, I was just a doormat ,reading other peoples comments amazes me how much they are putting up with ,and the reality is they might stop but it may go on and on and meanwhile your life is miserable.

  216. To Mike on February 24th, 2011 11:24 am

    I think if you feel you need to leave for your own sanity then its ok for you to go .Your partner threatening suicide is blackmail although its best to take it seriously ,all you can do is maybe help her from a distance.My partner did the same -I will slit my wrists if you end it ,so I stayed but really I did not want to and that was wrong for me, so 6 weeks later I left and he has been drinking and he told me he had met someone more deserving than me.Well I did not deserve his hurtful behaviour so that was a stupid remark from him,But he is still alive and kicking so hopefully he will leave me alone now.

  217. marie on March 2nd, 2011 11:13 am

    I Live in Asia and I was married for 1 year to a guy I had known in the UK he came over here to live and work but soon started complaining about every thing, nothing was good enough. His previous wife did not let him see his children and he always blamed her for all his problems, He soon started to drink heavily turning up late in the morning, he would not answer his phone or he would turn it off so I was always worried as there are lots of gangsters and robbers here. I was sure he would be robbed at night or when he was drunk he might have an accident and there hospital is useless here there is no reasonable hospital for 400 KM. I always thought I would be left to sort out the dead body and worry how to send him back to his country. I was also worried he would kill someone and then I would not j have the money to pay the compensation I have no insurance for that, Even when he eventually got home he couldn’t just fall asleep but came back looking for trouble ranting and raving and accusing me of something, I bit my tongue for a while but told him I had had it with all is drink and lies.

    luckily for me he didn’t like it here so applied for another job in Europe.
    I have a son and I could see the bad influence he was having on us as a family he was always blaming my son for all our problems.
    Eventually even in the short times he came to visit there would be arguments after a day and his character was getting worse although he can be very good natured and generous at times.

    Eventually after he had a bad road accident leaving him with 5 broken ribs and a blood clot in his head, He promised not to drink again and that he had learned his lesson but within 2 weeks he was drunk again.

    I told him it was over and that he should get help so he stared to go to AA. In his time of being honest he confessed that he had been sleeping with men and women after only 3 months of the marriage and was continuously disloyal. He was sleeping with prostitutes so without protection in a country with a very high HIV rate among sex workers,
    I have been separated for 1 year now I cannot get a divorce till I go to the UK as It is too expensive for me to make the papers here.

    He tells me he has changed which makes me I feel guilty a lot of the time because I keep refusing to take him back. For me its over too many things have been said and done .I hope he does change and I do care about him but if I give in I know I will regret it for the rest of my life

  218. Jennifer on March 6th, 2011 10:03 pm

    After reading several of these posts…I can totally relate to alot of these stories. I am 29 years old with a precious one year old son whos living with an alcoholic and his family for now….becauseeee we couldnt afford where we were living anymore!…due to him getting caught at working under the influence…they fired him of course. Since then my son and I have been trying to adjust…We stayed at my familys house for only a couple weeks thinking being seperated would teach him a lesson and still he continues to drink…he pretends he needs to get something out of the car…or run to the store to go buy cigarettes knowing damn well hes drinking…duhh i can smell it out of his pores…and his eyes get all ugly looking…I hate that I allow myself to stick around…I already know I dont want to marry a man like this…at this point I dont see a future with him! I sacraficed this long and our sons well being is very important…I sure as hell dont want him to become his father…because that would have not been a good role model for him…Ladies: I pray for all of us…to be stronger and to have a clear mind…I am dependent as of right now…I dont have much money in my bank account but I do have options…(sighhhhhh) anyways for now May GOD bless u all…may your Angels be by your sides… We cannot let the alcoholics habits take the best of our spirits…I guess my lesson from him is to make wiser decisions and to become independent…till the next time goodluck ladies…I hope we all can be free from all of this dysfunction xoxo Goodnight world!

  219. Faith on March 9th, 2011 4:45 pm

    Ohh my Where do I start… I can identify with so many of you! Esp. with I think Kristy 47, and then there was another girl that was 26, that wrote in 2008. I am 28, he is 37 (only telling you that so you know he is older than me). I was fortunate enough to have wonderful parents and did also not know the signs nor have I never really been exposed to an alcoholic, and did not see all of red flags…I just let them go… i guess.. I didn’t think anything of it..when we dated I saw him once a week or that and just thought that he liked to go restaurants or the ocassional bar. But not all the time, just sometimes. But basically, I have been married for 3 years, goin on 4 this july. My husband is definately a binge drinker/ functional alcoholic. Even though I don’t believe there is much functional about it, but just saying that he is responsible just as far as work is concerned, he normally goes. He is very fun, loving, caring, you know , the guy you want to be around, around other people, or events. But it is nothing like that at home. And I am angry and get so upset about the drinking and yell back at him, or if he is sober, i get so upset. He is sooo in denial. He was blaming me that it was because I am a messy person and I did not clean the house enough. I left last year at this time for 4 months. Then he promised and … I missed him… (not that treatment) but just the good part of being with him. But anyways…. I’m not explaing myself very well.. maybe write more later, but….. sorry just tired of thinking about what to do….. I’ve been thinking about getting a divorce for over a year and a half. It is just so complicated, basically I met him at church, thought he was a great guy, we dated for 3 months, then got engaged, and got married 7 months later……yeah i know….. big mistake…. I really thought he was the one though, had the same upbringing for the most part, got a long well, he kept on telling my family and I he”just wanted to take care of me” he couldn’t wait to get married. Hence…another red flag that..when he came over to propose he had been drinking.. I was not there at the time, but by the time I got there he has had some coffee. It is NOT my dad’s fault, my dad just thought he was nervious and maybe had a drink, all of us did not ever put two and two together. After all he was such a nice guy and easy to talk to, very well liked by family etc. And I was a 24 year-old woman who really wanted to get married, and I though he might propose and begged and told him I wanted to marry him. I told him that before he came over to ask my dad. I was at work when this happened. Anyway..sorry so long…but it has been a non stop rollercoaster ride of awfulness since we got married. He binges, stops and gets beer or drinks at his friend’s house, or his sister’s. He blames me, normally because he says because I yell about him drinking all the time, even the days it is not happening, it just makes him want to do it, and then he does. And also before that comment it was because I didn’t clean enough, but I had a very stressful job at the time, and no I am not extremely neat, like him, but I was stressed because of his drinking, work, and I did try to clean some. But anyways… he used to drink 3 to 5 times a week, now since i’ve yelled, … left, came back etc. it is happening less often, but the point is that it is STILL happeneing. Just happened about a week ago. And he will binge at the house and then he get sooo angry, I either hide in the basement, or lock myself in the bedroom, he will rant and rave, and cuse at me for at least 2 hours, this last time, it was more like 7 hours, ..guess cuz he hadn’t done it in a while. But anyways he yells and cuses and screams, and then he says stupid things about my family and me, my friends, then he will cry for an hour.. cuss about me, but then say…oh but I love her, then he will finally pass out, or go to sleep. Once he is asleep nothing will wake him up until the next day or that. Had a job, but decided to quit because I needed to figure out whether I was getting a divorce or not, and I couldn’t keep on working with him doing all these things when I got home from work, it was making me really sad. I am a light sleeper to begin with, and after all of this happening, I just coudln’t sleep. Basically he always tells me one thing and then does another….which I am sure all of you are familer with. I know it is wrong that I yell at him back a lot, but it just gets so frustrating!!! He knows better too. He knows right from wrong, he was raised with good norms and starndards, I just think he decided to make bad decisions along the way. He always blames me for what he does, and …. for the longest time I believed him, now it is getting to the point where I don’t believe him, I think he could make a better choice if he really wanted to. Even if he couldn’t get sober on his own, I think if he even said ok, I will get help, or something, but he deosn’t want any of that, …..you know…..there isn’t a problem. It is happening more like once a month now, that is much better than 3-5 days a week like the beginning of our relationship. But I don’t want to have kids like this. It would be awful!! I know that.. I have given him a lot of chances, I know it has only been 4 years…but it has been four years…..or this cycle between us, not to mention his sober mean comments, and he is “never” interested if you know what I mean. It makes me feel really awful. Then it almost really makes me wonder…it was like in our case .. went on our honeymoon and that was it….after that just binge drinking…..and living with awfulness, and now I am at the cross roads…. he knows how I feel about it all…yet he continues to do it. And I do feel bad that I have yelled at him, just it gets so frustrating. I have already been to alanon and we had marriage couseling for a few months…. I feel I will always be physically attracted to him, and to some of the nice times we have when he is sober, he does help put away the dishes etc, but he freaks out if there is a mess, but he’s not completely ocd. But I’ve tried to clean more, I’ve tried to let it go…and not yell, I’ve tried to get over my anger towards him. I am just trying to decide if this is it…shoudl I go? I have tried so hard, I do care about him, I married him, ….guess we just resent each other right now. And I don’t know how much more drinking and that I can take. His family is silent…and most of them live far away..so they just talk to him on the phone or see him normally when he is sober. It is sooo frustrating! As I am sure all of you know. I am sorry this is sooo long. Guess I just am trying to leave, but hard because I do feel bad and I do really care about them. But I am tired of my poor parents having to worry about him and I. And right now I would be able to live with them until I got back on my feet. And we have no children thank God. His selfishness.. I will never understand how he can just do all of that and then expect me to be ok with it, or to just forget about it… “it really isn’t that big of a deal attitude from him” But yes… i am still trying to figure out if I should get a divorce or not. From reading all of your stories, I am thinking towards a yes…just I want to hope he’ll change…but I am afraid of relapse too…..please any suggestions?? Sorry this was sooo long and thanks for reading if you did. Sorry so disorganized too. And I just want to say I am sorry to all of the other people out there going through this, I know it is awful.

  220. Faith on March 9th, 2011 4:50 pm

    ohh wanted to correct something… in my story.. I was trying to write..i thought that my boyfriend was going to propose and I begged my dad for his blessing, I told my dad I really wanted to marry this guy. I did not mean to put that i begged the boyfriend. So wanted to correct that in the beginning of my story. and sorry so long again

  221. Faith on March 9th, 2011 5:01 pm

    sorry also he does drink at his sister’s, I think she knows how he can be, but most of the other relatives he doesn’t see, or they live far away. OK sorry just wanted to say that. I know they can’t do anything about it anyway…but …ugh I guess yeah I just wish our love for him could make him stop.

  222. Faith on March 9th, 2011 5:09 pm

    Ahh sorry guys.. last comment for today… sorry. I just wanted to comment on the person (someone) that wrote on Feb. 10th and 14th. I can relate to all of the so called “friends” being boozers too. And I wanted to say good for you. I hope that you are doing well.

  223. Tammy on March 11th, 2011 1:41 am

    I am a 40 year old women with three children. two daughters 21 and 15. and I have a new baby boy who is three months old.. My husband, the father of my three children is an alcoholic. I have been with him since I was 18. married since 25. I have watched him destroy my self image, and the verbal abuse my children and I have had to go thur for years and years. I asked myself why do you stay?? why? why? why? I tell myself that I can not let my baby boy grow up like his sisters did.. Am I scared to be alone? There is not much I would miss if he were gone. But why do I continue to deal with is.. HELLLLPPP……

  224. Jennifer on March 14th, 2011 12:36 am

    Hey everyone…I posted earlier this week on March 6th and now I am back…I left my babys father (the alcoholic) the night of March 7th…I couldnt take it anymore…HES FULL OF LIES LIES and more LIES…I am HAPPY that I left, I do have my one year old son with me too..i was so fed up with all of his negativity that I didnt even bother to cry anymore… I currently do not have a vehicle so I am dependent for rides ect so I called my mother for help, she allowed me to stay for a few nights with her and her roomate…I so much feel much more peaceful & I am now renting a room at a good friends house for $350 a month in the Bay Area..Can you believe it…Ladies, you can leave…You just gotta be fed up-research for a temporary place to go-pack your bags and just goooo…lifes to precious…I know its been only a week but I feel I am finally on the right path…We all do not deserve verbal, mental, and physical abuse….I dont want to deal with any of that crazy dramatic roller coaster anymore…

  225. Jennifer on March 14th, 2011 2:49 am

    To Faith & Tammy: I know and understand we love our “alcoholic men”….but its not worth dealing with their dysfunctions…whether they are functional hard workers or whatever it is that keeps us attached to them….its not healthy to us or our babies!! They have a disease! My babys father and I met through a friend, we partied together and worked in the restaurant industry…so of course we were around alcohol but never did I think he was an alcoholic. Long story short: we ended up dating and never did he put it out there that he was an alcoholic…I had found out after he moved in with me, but even then I was so naieve. I always seen him with a 40 ounce of Old English during lunch but didnt think anything of it until he kept doing that after 3 days ect…then he started taking 3-5 shots of vodka or any hard liquor he can get his hands on including his beer…as breakfast 7 days a week!! All day he would drink like a fish…along with that he would be the neighbors favorite friend to chat with ect…This then became unhealthy…he was too hungover to do any activities or go out; calling me out of my names; and being the nastiest asshole in the whole wide world…..so I came to the point where I just got FED UP!!! I have prayed and cried out loud on my knees begging for GOD to HELP ME!!! I cried a river!! Also I have prayed so hard to the point my chest and heart ached! Im sick and tired of it…I found out I wasnt loving myself enough…I allowed a man of such a horrible disease own my soul…wtf..for what?? why?? It was because I had hopes he would keep his promise to quit drinking…I realized you cant change someone unless they wanna change on their own…Even his fam got involved..they all know his problems but 1/2 of them support his habits while the other 1/2 understands my pain-So after dealing with being in his world which was 90% HELL to me…I looked at my one year old and promised him mommy would give him a “GOOD LIFE” and I promised myself I will LOVE myself!! Enjoy my freedom and do the things I have been longing to do….I am now so HAPPY and relieved~Dont get me wrong I do Love him and miss him….BUT I LOVE MYSELF & MY SON TOO lol…I wish you guys well and all the luck..I hope you guys can find the strength to move foward and out of your dysfunctional relationships…I promise you that you will be HAPPY once again…Life is waaaaay to precious to be wasted it in a unhealthy relationship full of misery…there are ways and support…If you really wanna get out of that mess…you can!!!!!! GOODLUCK!

  226. Angie on March 15th, 2011 11:51 am

    I have left my alcoholic husband 3 different times only to hear the promises and lies that he would st op drinking. He did stop the last time I left him, I thought it would be different so I came back home. HHe didnt drink for a couple f months but now he is right back where he was before. He isnt a mean drunk but I dont want to be married to an alcoholic because I grew up around it. Somebody P-L-E-A-S-E give me some help. Lost and alone in Ohio!

  227. mo on March 17th, 2011 7:57 am

    I just found this site. Alcoholism is a disease of paradoxes. I find that whatever I’m ‘thinking’ or ‘feeling’, the reality is usually the opposite. And this is how I found my reality about everything over the past 22 years of living in the active disease. I’ve been attending Al Anon for 7 years, watching and listening to others survive this situation. Watching them lose everything they had, IF they had anything at all when they walked thru the door. Usually someone is out of a job, about to lose the home, or someone has become violent, or someone is going to leave. I’ve reached that point where he’s lost the job, we lost the lifestyle we once had, and now I’ve lost all money we once had. And now that it’s all gone, he’s moved out… The hope I once had was he’d stopped drinking, things would get better. I now know the hope I have for TODAY is for myself only and that all I can do is work at making my tomorrows better of the future, – without the alcoholic; He used to be in that picture of the future I drew for ourselves; but not today and not for tomorrow. My hope is that the path of recovery can help me to make different choices in this late stage in life. Al Anon tells us that we can be happy whether the alcoholic is drinking or not. I believe this statement holds false truth in an alcoholic marriage. Perhaps with other family members we can find happiness, but not so in the marriage. The disease is an active 3rd party in the relationship – at all times and never goes away. “it” can never be dismissed or ignored and must be included in all equations when dealing in marriage decisionmaking, and life decisions in general. The first question my sponsor asked me 6 years ago was: if today is what the remainder of your life looks like, and today is as good as it gets, can you stay in the marriage? Back then I thought I could; after another 6 progressive years in the disease, the answer is no. This is a question I should have asked myself once a year or more, over the past 6 years. I pray for my alcoholic and mself everyday and look to God to take me thru everything that I am faced with. Only this way can I live in the day, each day, one day at a time.

  228. A.D on March 17th, 2011 2:48 pm

    Hi
    I feel so many things. I just left my boyfriend of nearly 3 years, Tuesday night. I hurt so much…the pain of leaving him, missing him, still loving him, wanting to protect him, and fight for him, is truly horrific. I am 26. He was my first boyfriend, I had always focused on school/college and I am not one of those preppy girls that drinks and has fun, etc, that guys today seem to only want. I met him at a college function and we got together immediately. I was SO happy. I can’t tell you how long I begged God to send me someone to love and love me in that special way. Everyone thought we were perfect and I can’t tell you how gorgeous he is. He sent me emails every morning, telling me how lucky he was to have me and it must be a dream. He lavished me with attention. Well, after a little over a month of dating, he called me crying that he had gotten a DUI. I was devastated. I don’t drink and don’t believe in it, I have alcholics in my family and feel that if I took one sip, I would be doomed, esp as I am OCD and depressed. I also found out that he’d had a DUI the year before I met him, but it was reduced to ‘reckless driving.’ He cried and told me how much he needed me and loved me, and promised to stop. His mother-he lived with her, complained about the drinking, but she enabled him. Gave him her credit card and he bought beer. He briefly went into counseling but nothing was accomplished. Eventually, as I loved him more and more, I broke down and agreed to let him drink at home only and not drive. This seemed to work for months. Then, he drank about 18 beers and my parents had to drag him out of the house. His mom was gone. Brought him over to our house, and when he sobered up, I told him I was sick of it and he better stop or else. He promised, but days later, we broke up and ended our engagement. I almost died. Literally. I had to get xanax to cope. He told me he’d lost everything and his life was over, and we talked again, and started dating again. Things were good for months, but occasionally we’d fight, because when he’s drinking too much, he twists words, confuses you, or then blames you for being upset at how he is acting. But, regardless, he got his degree in criminal justice-ironic, and the 2nd DUI was dropped. I believed we would be married eventually. In October, things went to hell. His mom went bankrupt from giving her credit cards to him and his sister and to his brother-a perpetual crack/heroine addict. My ex had to get low-income housing and was working at a pizza place for a job. Soon after being alone in his new place, the drinking got worse, and esp him struggling to pay his bills. I loaned him money-I don’t even have a job. I am still in school. He mentioned he needed to stop drinking because he could not afford it, and I had hope. But, he only grew more and more depressed, convinced he can not make it on his ‘own.’ That he needs to move to his home state, or that he needs to join the Army to have them pay off his student loans, and blah blah blah. His mother and I tried to convince him that he can’t run away, he has to bother to apply for a career job, and get his life together. Our fights increased so much. He has NEVER EVER been violent with me. It is verbal type stuff. Recently, he has been chosing to spend his off days-of which I die to spend with him, at home, drinking all day, alone. The final straw came Tuesday, when I made a dinner for him and my parents, the first dinner I ever cooked. I excitedly told him about this for days. He called me around 12 Tues and said he was coming in a little while, but would rather stay at home alone-I knew he’d been drinking. I called him around 3 to tell him I was about to cook. He said he’d take a shower and come. He NEVER did. I called and called and called. Heard nothing until 8 pm when he apologized for ‘falling back asleep’ and then we fought and he heard my mother call him names, etc. It ended then and there. He of course, blames it on himself AND my parents. I am their only child and they are protective, but gave him numerous chances. My father is on dialysis.

    I have cried since Tuesday night. I have thought about doing stupid things, but haven’t. I have called my family, but no words seem to help. I MISS him so much. I LOVE him so much. I feel like he was my soulmate and that I’ve LOST EVERYTHING. I lost the love of my life, my hopes/dreams. I lost my best friend. I need support but I don’t have many friends, and he was my shoulder. I know sometimes he wouldn’t answer my calls until late, but still. I depended on him and I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITHOUT HIM. People tell me I am better off and be glad there were no kids, etc. But God how I wanted to marry him and have kids. I feel so cheated. I am afraid I will never be able to love again. I am so scared. He was MY FIRST EVERYTHING and I mean everything. I am scared I will never want to do with others, what he and I did. I would have died for him. I don’t know how to go on without him, and without having someone. People say someone else will come along but it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t know how the hell to deal with my pain and how to keep it from suffocating me. i pray and pray, but it hurts so much. Not to mention, I miss his nieces and nephews that I’ve known since they were babies. I feel like I’ve lost him and a family. His one sister tells me I’m better off. His mother wanted us to stay together, because she knew I was good for him. He told me I saved him, but I guess I could not. I know he loves me, but his addiction is more powerful. What I would give to have it not be the case.

  229. Penny on March 19th, 2011 7:57 pm

    Like most everyone who has written before me, my life feels like a continous deep pain. I am 44 years old and have MS. I have been with my partner for 10 years. He is an alcholic and is a binge drinker. Over the years there is patterns of worse times and better times. We do not have a child together but I have a son from a previous marriage who lives with us. My son is 14 and loves his stepdad with all his heart. I am losing my love for him. I am so tired of the I’m sorry’s and the broken promises, the endless hours of waiting and waiting for him to come home. When he does come home the stench that people have mentioned. I often sleep on the couch because I cannot stand the snoring or the disgusting smell the seems to come out of his body. The very air in our bedroom makes me gag. I sooo want to leave but feel trapped. I had a relapse from my MS two and half years ago. I no longer am able to work and am on disability. The money I get on disability would barely even cover rent for a month much less food, utilities etc. Is the stress of staying in this relationship worse then the stress of living on my own and not ever having enough money?? I spend hours and hours crying and trying to figure out the answer. I pray and plead with God to give me an answer but none ever seems to come. Again tonight I sit here alone waiting…………………………….waiting for the unknown! That is the worst, every single day not knowing what will happen….will he drink, will he come home, will the call come from the police station. As soon as I know the drinking has begun feeling physically sick in my stomach. I know I need to leave for all the right reasons but because of my disability if I cannot survive financially how can I??

  230. Jamie on March 21st, 2011 3:57 pm

    I left my alcoholic husband of 3 1/2 years about a month ago. I am 31 years old and met him about 9 years ago. He will be turning 36 next month. When we met, I instantly fell in love with him. He was cute, charming, funny and life with him was NEVER a dull moment. We went out all the time, drank, went to concerts, he has a love for music as much as I do, we just had a blast! I couldn’t stand being away from him. We moved in together after only being together for 4 months. We got into heated arguements now and then but nothing too terrible and I was so in love that those arguements didn’t matter. My family and friends began asking me if he was an alcoholic. I would get mad and tell them no! We are just having fun, it is our age, that is what we do, we go out and have a good time! We did break up once before we got married and yes, it did have to do with alcohol. The constant worrying from my family got to me and I started to realize that maybe he could have a problem. He would get drunk and say the meanest things but the next day would wake up and tell me over and over how sorry he was and how much he loved me and I would forgive over and over again. Well, I came back to him and then a couple years later he proposed to me. I said yes. Things were just “ok” and I just went along with it. The wedding planning was exciting and I just never thought I would be getting married, I was just thrilled that he asked me after we had been together 5 or 6 years. It was never really brought up and I never pushed it or asked for it so I was VERY surprised when he asked me. We get married and things are going ok. Then as the years go by, he starts drinking more and more. Then I am finding empty vodka bottles all over the apartment, in his closet, in his drawers, everywhere. And he is getting more and more mean everytime he gets drunk. Besides the vodka, he is drinking a 6 pack of beer a night, every single day. I hear he is drinking on the job and then realize this has gotten out of control. I threaten to leave him, you know the routine and then he stops drinking for a month. Then the weird behaviour starts up again. I start finding vodka bottles again. I confront him and he denies it. Oh the lying, I just can’t take the lying to my face. It just drives me crazy! He finally admits it and then goes back to just drinking beer every single night and he thinks that is normal behavior by the way. He needs it to wind down and keep him mind from racing when he goes to bed. That is one of his excuses. One excuse after another with him. Anyways, he starts hiding it again, drinking vodka behind my back. I have been dealing with a lot of pain due to my arthritis and came home one night and he was wasted. I asked him if he had been drinking and he then tells me he will bash my face in if I ask him that anymore. I say I am going to bed and that I have enough issues I am dealing with with my ongoing pain that I don’t want to deal with his issues right now too. He screams at me and says, “You, you, you, it is always about you! You are so selfish!” I went upstairs and bawled my eyes out all night and decided right then and there that I was done. I am 31 and life is way too short to be so unhappy all the time. I couldn’t do it anymore. The next morning I got up and told him I was leaving. I am staying with my parents and can’t tell you the peace I have right now. I am actually kinda happy and haven’t felt like this in so long, it is a strange feeling but I love it! The only pain I go through is the guilt he tries to lay on me. He is threatening suicide, saying he can’t live without me and then goes on to say that no one will ever love me again, that no one will want to deal with me and my arthritis issues, that I will be alone the rest of my life. He tells me that everytime I threaten to leave and you know what, I used to believe it. I don’t anymore, the longer I am away from him, the more I realize just how wrong and manipulating he was to me. Sure, I feel really bad about leaving and I worry about him more than you know, I mean he is my best friend. Known him for over 9 years but I can’t risk my happiness and wellbeing for him anymore. It was so bad, I was comptiplating suicide. I just thought that I would never be happy again. I even dabbled in drugs a little bit trying to escape the reality of being with him. I am so glad I left. I know it has only been a month and I have a rough road ahead but knowing I will be happy is so worth it. I do love him and care about him but as long as I am with him, I will NEVER be happy and I know that now. Good luck to you all. I am going to try to live my life to the fullest now and hope he takes care of himself.

  231. Gemma on March 24th, 2011 6:32 pm

    I am just so upset. I have been with my husband for 12 years and he finally admitted he had a problem in September. I paid for rehab privately for him and fought for funding, which we got for the last 5 weeks of rehab. He completed rehab and was sober for those 3 months and I was looking towards the future.
    4 days out of rehab, he relapsed and has been drunk for the last 3 days. He has had so much help, love and support from me and my family, but he made the choice to start drinking again.
    I know that I need to leave him, but it is so hard as I know he will end up dead, but I cannot help him anymore.
    I just wish he was stronger to fight the addiction as he wants to, but its up to him now.
    Leaving him with this illness and no way to support himself is heartbreaking, but its the only thing I can do.
    My thoughts and prayers are with everyone on here, alcoholism is a ‘taboo’ illness that no-one wants to talk about and very few people understand. My husband was one of the lucky ones to know he needed help and he tried so hard, but in the end he just couldnt do it.

  232. Yuko on March 30th, 2011 11:40 pm

    My husband grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. I learned the word “dysfunctional family” not so long ago. We have been married for almost 30 years, he was sober for 14 years and started drinking again 10 years ago when our daughter graduated from high school. I was devastated and didn’t know what to do.
    Since he doesn’t want to quit drinking, I decided to have a therapy last summer, I just had my last therapy and I feel much better. Also Al-Anon meeting help me a lot. I have 3 choices, leave him, intervention and stay with him. He is a functional alcoholic so he goes to work everyday so we can pay bills and I can be a homemaker. Since I never workd full time, divorce is not my option.
    Last X’mas I sent emails to my in laws and told them what I’ve been through. Unfortunately they got upset and disowned me. I was hoping they will help me to cope with his alcoholism, I was wrong. It sucks to marry a family who have many traumas and dysfunction. So intervention is not my option either.

    Well, it is not easy but I decided to stay with him. I still have a hope that someday he will seek help.

    “God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference. ”

    Thank you for reading my comment.

  233. connie on April 4th, 2011 10:39 am

    Hi , I married for the first time at the age of 40 my husband is 10 years younger, he’s a very smart loveing man who works hard so we can have nice things , I know his work is very stressfull besides the fact that he has to drive in traffic for two to three hours a day , we dont have any children together but I have one daughter and two wonderful grandsons that I adore ..
    I am very confused about my alcoholic husband , I do love him very much and I know he adores and loves me , he’s not the type to go out drinking he works hard then comes straight home , he cleans the house and does a lot , he’s doesn’t like to fight or even raise his voice …. but he doesn’t like to go anywhere or do anything he starts drinking on a wednesday after work then he drinks everyday untill sunday …. he goes to work thursday and friday sometimes he works from home …….
    I’m just tired of going everywhere by myself he never wants to do anything at all … that is my frustration …

  234. Gina on April 8th, 2011 9:17 pm

    After reading over all the previous posts,I’m deeply saddened that so many people are tortured by someones alcohol abuse and addiction. My heart breaks for each and everyone of us. Loving and caring about someone who is addicted to alcohol is absolute hell. The few brief moments of sobriety give us hope, but we know the darker twisted reality that the demon of alcohol will return. We pray, we trust God. We plea and beg God, though He hears our prayers and does everything short of taking someones free will away, the reckless ugly horrific drinking continues.
    The question of this site is when do we leave? I divorced my spouse over 10 years ago. We sold our dream home. We tried multiple re-habs, first. The best re-habs. They do prove successful for many people. Let me address, why we stay? We stay because we care deeply, we love big and we see first hand the disease. We see the demon of alcohol, we see it’s brutal grip. We want to win! We want to crush this demon with every fiber of our being. We want the person we love back. We want peace. We’ve given up so much of our own lives at the hands of alcohol. So we fight the battle. Tired, lonely, sad and angry we surrender to faith. The man I divorced, is here now. He has been drinking insanely for four straight days. I’m numb. I have given up my dreams. I’m 43 years old, I have no children. I couldnt bear or risk having a child brought into this. My heart is beyond broken. We know why we stay. We want to win. We want a normal life with our friend. We know they are good people. We see their hearts. We are not stupid. We arent fooled by all the lies. We are strong. We just don’t want to live with the guilt of turning our backs on someone we love. Yet, don’t we deserve some peace? Yes. We deserve to be happy. My advice, to all of you is to pray, trust God and leave when you can fully embrace that it is ok. Love doesn’t end when you leave.True love lives on forever in our hearts. The truth is I’m trying to convince myself of the very advice I want each of you to have. It is ok. Dreams that have died can come alive with courage and strength given by God. My love to each of you.

  235. Denise Jacobs on April 17th, 2011 9:47 pm

    I have been with an alcoholic – or someone who chooses to drink all the time – for almost 34 years. I am so unhappy and at my lowest point ever, i feel i have wasted my life and shown my daughters the worst posssible example ever. He has shown me a few times in the past that he is capable of quitting and has quit for several time for 2 years max. He is a functional drunk, can work, pay some bills and doesnt see that his drinking is a problem. i hate the drunk that he becomes; but i really don’t much like the person he is when sober too.We have nothing in common,no closeness, no sex for about 1 yr. He drinks everyday at work, after work, and on weekends (i dread) he gets sloppy fall down drunk regularly. He expects me to sit and chat with him when he is drunk – and i can hardly stand the site of him. He is in a different world than me totally, He did not want to be a father, i did everything with my girls as he sat home and drank. What does that say about me – i think i must be sick too to stay so long. My girls have no relationship with him and refer to him as “your husband” – because he was never a father. Sad…
    My girls are grown now, youngest is 22, i want to leave as i know he will not. I make good money but have not been wise and am in extreme debt. Do i wait until he dies; till im out of debt; or just go now?

  236. Susan on April 18th, 2011 9:21 pm

    Thank you for posting all these responses here!

    I left my alcoholic boyfriend 2 days ago, and immediately left for a business trip. I’m on my way to my empty, cold, sober, quiet, peaceful apartment. No one will lie to me. No one will be drunk in the other room. There will never again be the gut-wrenching question of whether my beloved is coming home drunk or sober.

    That was my final moment. He’d had another all-night binge, and as I led him to bed past my sleeping son, he turned and told me he loved me, drunk or sober. That was not the first time he’d said it – it was the last. I told him I wouldn’t live like that anymore, and he quit drinking.

    Six weeks later, he took my son out for a burger, and someone bought him a drink. He didn’t want to be rude to his friend, so, even though he’d promised many times to not drink in front of my son, he did. Just one drink. It took me 9 days to find an apartment. He doesn’t know why I left, when ‘things were getting better’.

    You all know.

  237. edel on April 19th, 2011 9:52 pm

    hi..ive read all ur comments and ive been going through the same bullshit.ive been with my partner for 19 years.i had already 5 kids when we met.i grew up with an alcoholic father so i am well used to it.my partner is a binge drinker..once a week he will drink himself stupid and pass out.he will bully me and the kids., tell us what to do and bark orders..you know the drill.over the years he managed to chase my 5 children away.i visit them to see my grandkids.we have two more kids togeather,,they are now 14 and 16 and still live with us.my daughter keeps asking me MAM why dont we leave…truth is we have no were to go.ive no friends to turn to in times of need and my older kids dont have the room…i am afraid of him and yet when he is sober he is so different..he cooks and cleans and does everything i ask..except giving up the booze of course..he cheated 4 times over the years..he raped me a couple of times in the early years and yet im still here..he has put us through so much and im still bloody here..i cant understand why when all that he has done, has destroyed my confidence and self esteem..my son is very close to him and i often wonder would he want to stay with his dad if i left or would he leave with me.i could not possibly leave my son here to be raised by an alcoholic..maybe thats why i havnt left yet..i dont want to lose my son to him and have a horrible life..i of course want to protect my children but if my son refused to leave with me i woudnt go anywere..my partner like i said would binge once a week but if he had more money he would drink more..he is 40 now and recently got a good bill of health off the doctor..his blood tests for his liver came back fine..i couldnt believe it when i saw the results. all he years of abuse he had done to his body and he is in good health?????i did secretly want them to find something so it would shake him up a bit to do something and stop drinking..but no..he is the luckiest man on the planet..i realy want out but i cant go anywere with my son..

  238. What todo on April 26th, 2011 9:15 pm

    Hi
    I’m writing this with the hope it will clarify things in my mind. Reading these posts I am buoyed by seeing the common themes. I have been with my husband 20 years married 5 with 2 young boys. He started drinking daily about 10years ago. I fought, begged, cajoled, threatened even had a children and married him thinking that there was no way someone could continue to endanger their health and set such a bad example in the eyes of those he without a doubt loves deeply. I was naive to the disease for so long. Now I get it, but I’m still here and I seem to have as many excuses for staying as he does for drinking.
    Advice to anyone who suspects their partner has a tendency towards alcoholism. DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THEM. It will not cure them and it makes things more complicated to leave the relationship. And it really sux for them.
    My problem is he is a good person, overachiever, well paid, great Dad when he is not cranky which is a lot of the time.
    I see the future being bad, he already has internal bleeding but does not let that stop him. He has had people like Dr and counsellors offer him a hand but the disease is too strong. I can’t let go of the hope of what it could be like but I seem to be in denial. It won’t be like that. One lady said how even holidays where ruined. That is one of the most disappointing things for me, even times that should be the best for me and the kids get ruined by his drinking and his moods.
    I think I am afraid of making a mistake by leaving and he gets sober and goes on to live a happy life with someone else and I struggle and my boys resent me.
    We had been together for 10years before he started drinking. But now I can see it in his family. I am scared it will run through my boys aswell especially the one who seems so genetically similar to him.
    Most of the time I just stick my head in the sand and life is ok but not good and at anytime he can have an angry outburst. I worry what it is doing to the boys him going from happy to swearing and throwing things around in a few minutes.
    We need to get out. But when is the right time. I think I have been waiting for the right time for the last 10years. Will I just waste the next 20 years until one of us dies?
    thx for reading I hope this helps someone else.

  239. leeann on April 30th, 2011 7:39 pm

    Does anyone out there have an alcoholic husband who blames you for wanting him to stop? Drinks because of you, he says? Does things like falling down, trying to slap you?

  240. Cat Chon on May 4th, 2011 4:10 am

    I just turned 18 years old. From what I read so far from the comments, a majority of them are similar to my predicament, I am not married, but I have to deal with my major alcoholic father ever since I could remember when I was a child. I am growing tired of his antics. Over the years, he would use his credit cards to buy nearly from $600-$1000 of drinks for himself and possibly for his co-workers. My older sister had to cancel all of his credit cards from probably just 2-3 months ago. Just today, my mother finally had the courage to tell him to get out, She even packed his stuff and gave him food to eat, but he’s so flat out drunk that he wont eat and won’t leave. Furthermore, my mother just found out that he kept a credit car or a few hidden to keep drinking.

    Even when he is not drunk, my father thinks he has higher priority and still will not leave because he believes that without his huge financial support, my sister, mother, and won’t support ourselves. However regardless of that being true, my sister makes a lot of money from her 3 jobs and my mother works very hard of a cleaning maid for the elderly. My mother is old and her own body is stressing so she can’ keep up with her job forever. For myself, recently I have tried to applied nearly 7 jobs, but none have called back probably due to the economy nowadays.

    I know that this is not what my mom and my sister needs. For me, I view him a possibility of ruining my chances of making through college with his endless spending. Not to mention that the junk food he brings home (Mcdonald’s, Panda Express, etc.) just to suck up to us.

    He has not been physically abusive yet to me or my mom or sister, but he has a tendency to damage possessions due to his temperament problem. I remember one time that he trashed the kitchen with the groceries he had brought home from Costco (when drunk) when my mom just simply, but yet in a stress state to “stop drinking.”

    I am so tempted to physically beat him to the bloody pulp with a whine bottle, but I know that it will ruin my future of having a life. Furthermore, my mom and sister are too damn stubborn to involve the police. I can already see that even if my dad got help, he will just simply return to drinking. There’s no point and no hope for him.

    What do you guys think? Should I just simply involve the police without my mother’s permission?

  241. Lori on May 5th, 2011 7:52 pm

    I met my husband over the internet 7 years ago and ignored the signs of his alcohol addiction. I was naive and in my college partying years, thinking he was a lot of fun to be around. I completely ignored that he was on probation for his first DUI. I ignored the fact that he was wetting the bed often due to his long days of drinking. My fun ended after several months together as a couple, but it was too late, I was already pregnant. My parents pressured us to marry because of our child. We did not but continued to live together. People at my work told me not to marry him but I did anyway because I thought our life together would change after marriage. It did not. Call me crazy, but I got pregnant again because I did not want my first child to have to deal with me leaving his father alone. I thought it would be harder for a lonely child to deal with it and that it would be easier if he had a brother or sister to lean on. Seven years later, he got another DUI. It was tolerable at first until he violated probation. That was the most tortureous probation ever. Not only was he on tight restrictions, but I was too. We no longer had a weekend because I had to drive him to 7 AA classes in a weekend as required by the court. After a year of torture and causing us to go broke, he completed probation.
    Well he relapsed last night for the millionth time so I told him to find a ride home and stay with a friend. I sit here alone but at least I don’t have to worry about him coming home drunk. After going through 2 DUI’s and years of mental abuse, I want out. I used to cry and get all emotional when we fought because of his drinking but I don’t anymore. I used to fear being home alone, but through the years I find it better than having to wonder if he’s drunk again when I pick him up from work. He used to be an electrician but is no longer able to drive. He lost his electrical job due to his inability to drive and ONLY by God’s grace was he able to find a job as a bus boy. I usually take him to and from work almost every day but I am not picking him up tonight because I am tired of picking him up after a night of drinking on the job. I don’t want to get him fired because II still need him to bring in money to support our family so I say nothing to his boss. It seems like wherever he finds a job, he finds scumbags to hang out with. These people are are always druggies or fellow alcoholics. I applied for legal assistance for a divorce but we do not qualify because we make too much money. I feel like I’m stuck in a rut. I can’t afford an attorney but I want a divorce and him out of our house. I’m tired of being miserable…

  242. Christina on May 9th, 2011 7:09 pm

    I am married to a drunk. He drives all the time, he is NEVER sober, he is going down a destructive path. He does not have a license, been in jail, getting ready to go back.
    I make excuses for him.
    The Lies! I never know what is TRUE.
    The Drama…something is always going on. Lawsuits, court dates. It is always one thing after another.
    He will run off for HOURS at a time and not answer the phone or call me. Then I worry about him. worried that he has wrecked or something.
    He pushes me into sex, he physical hurts me but leaves no marks. he bends my fingers and my toes, pinches my nipples and pulls them> IT HURTS!
    When I get a job..something always happens and I can’t keep the job. He will get my kids a drive drunk with them.. So when I work I am a nervous wreck; worried about the kids. Just something that keeps me from working.
    I do have a child with him and I feel stuck. I don’t feel loved at all
    Don’t know if he is cheating or not
    I want out but don’t know how to get out. He has chased all of my friends and family off. So I don’t have anyone!
    ???don’t know what to do! I don’t have the money he has left running the roads and I don’t have enough gas to go across the street. When I do have a few dollars he always takes it from me. then swears up and down he didn’t touch my money. If I do have a little gas he takes my keys with him. so I am stranded. I can’t have another set made because it has the computer chip in it and that cost more than what I can afford!
    He is horrible at paying the bills water is going to be turned off next Friday. He hasn’t paid Rent or phone in 2 months surprised that I still have internet. and have not been served eviction papers yet too.
    I am afraid to be on my own, afraid that I can’t take care of the kids. But I want out! I pray every time that he goes out that the law will catch him and then take him to jail. for the 8th offense of DUI!
    Anyone who is not married, don’t marry a drunk. It is nothing but heartache. If you don’t have kids with them get out it is easier with out having the kids. A drunk never changes it is all broken promises.
    One day I will be out of it!

  243. Kim on May 11th, 2011 2:50 pm

    My nickname should be “She-who-Never-Learns”.
    My first marriage was to an alcoholic. He drank beer and I never classified him as an alcoholic. After having a child, he left me for a woman who worked in a bar. It really was a relief. My child was in elementary school and I graduated from college with a BS degree in education. After the divorce was final, I married my college sweetheart who was my soulmate…and a hidden alcoholic. After his death, I discovered bottles of whiskey in the garage. Cause of death? Guess…I had a teaching career and after 8 years I had recovered enough to go to a singles website. Yep, met an alcoholic. We didn’t date because of that. Met a nice businessman on the website, he was candid up front and told me that his divorce had been because of alcohol. His business went down, I invested money in the business, then he went bankrupt.
    I cannot ask myself why these things happened to me-I am a co-dependent, 50 years old, career is over so I have to re-start. What am I gonna do? I have no self-esteem left; I am told I am fat; I can’t even afford to go to the dr. He is verbally abusive; He cracked two panels of car glass with a hammer; my family hates him; his family hates me because they think I encourage his drinking; I am depressed. I know I have to leave. How do I make myself? Isn’t that enough?

  244. Rae on May 12th, 2011 11:03 am

    I have searched for quite some time to find a different story or outcome. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for almost 7 years. I guess I can say that he has always displayed signs of alcoholism but I married him only 6 weeks after meeting him. He was 22 then and fresh back from Iraq. Being 21 myself, I didn’t really see it as “alcoholism” rather than young 20 something service members having a good time. My husband knows and admits that he has a problem and is finally understanding that he does not have control over it. He is not willing yet to see that he can’t just cut back because then the cycle starts all over again. He is not so obvious about his drinking either. He hides it from me and lies until eventually I am digging through the trash just so he will stop lying. He does, then cuts back drastically, and gradually increases. I don’t let it go far anymore before I say something. After 5 years the arguments over it all are brief because he gets it…..he just can’t completely control it. I have experienced the many of the same things as the stories I have read here. The broken promises, the failed attempts at recovery, the pain of wondering what I am subjecting myself and my children too. But all I keep reading is that there is no other way but to leave my husband. Unlike many people here, I don’t want or have any interest in leaving my husband. Unlike many others, I don’t find it unfortunate or odd in any way that I still love my husband. I understand that this is his addiction. I don’t love his addiction but I do love my husband. So am I the stupid one for thinking that I don’t have to leave my husband for him to get better? Is that just the way things have to be? I have yet to find a single story of a couple that made it through this without a separation of some sort…..whether it was temporary or permanent. I guess for me it is not that easy. If I knew that me leaving WOULD help him, I would go. But even then, its not so cut and dry. If I leave, I will go home to be near my family for support. Currently I am a stay at home mom and full time student. So financially, I wouldn’t have any other option. My husband could not financially support two separate households for any amount of time so I would need my families help. Understandable for most part…but he is stationed 3,000 miles away from my hometown. What makes it even worse is that even if he were to get out of the service, he is from the east coast and I am from the west. So a split for us would most likely be permanent whether he got help or not. Leaving might open his eyes to what he has lost but the distance would not allow us to work things out. I believe that marriage counseling and the ability for him to see me and our boys would be necessary. So that he knows we are still real and attainable. Not to mention the cost and hassle of making multiple cross country moves. It’s not easy when the military is paying for it let alone when you have to do it yourself. What I really want to see is a story from someone who has overcome or is overcoming this addiction without completely destroying the family in the process. Maybe even hear from some of the recovering alcoholics and what changed their mind or what could have been done differently. I understand that leaving is the most effective and eye opening method but is that really the ONLY way he will get the help?

  245. Anonymous on May 12th, 2011 11:39 am

    My husband is a severe alcoholic who won’t move out. I own the house but am not sure what steps to take to have him forced out. Having had bad experiences with the local police, I don’t want to call them. They are thugs and I don’t want my husband to get shot or tasered. My husband is horrible and borderline violent when he’s drunk, but the rest of the time he’s a poet who wouldn’t hurt a fly. He keeps trying to get sober and will go a week or so without drinking, but then goes back and becomes the horrible bully again. He hadn’t worked in years and, yes, stupid me, I’ve been supporting him. I want him out, but how? Is there a type of organization that can help? I wish I could sell the house out from under him, but that’s not possible in this economy — it’ll never sell. Do I have to get a restraining order against him? Again, that would likely involve the police, whom I am terrified of.

  246. Char on May 12th, 2011 10:58 pm

    Need advise!!

    I am 29 years old and married my high school sweetheart. We are best friends and have always had a great relationship. The last 3 years have taken a turn. My husband started drinking Vodka here and there, well here and there turned into everyday. He has never been abusive physically or verbally. He stumbles into walls, slurs and rambles about nonsense. I have confronted him many times and have expressed my concern regarding his problem that I am watching unfold. He of course doesn’t see it. I have found him passed out in the bathroom and other rooms in the house. Over the last few months his drinking has intensified. He still drinks everyday, but the amount has increased. He has started having ” blackout” moments where he can’t remember conversations or even being intimate the night before. I have noticed close friends not talking to him as much because he becomes obnoxious and repeats himself. I have started keeping a log of everyday drinking and his behavior hoping that when I show him he will realize the problem I am talking about. He has admitted once that he needs to slow down because it’s becoming a problem, he didn’t slow down one bit. I am starting to really feel the affect of his drinking. He is very high functioning and still makes it to work everyday and is responsible in terms of paying bills and everyday demands. He just gets drunk every night and every weekend. There has not been a day since 01/18/2010 that he hasn’t drank. I have been becoming more and more annoyed with him the last year. His constant need to be drunk and the behavior he exhibits when he is drunk is getting to much to handle. I have told him many times that I refuse to be married to a drunk and I will not live my life that way. Then I start to think, am I being mean thinking that he is just relaxing or enjoying himself. The way I see it is that he obviously has a problem and it’s slowly getting worse. I don’t know how to handle this situation. Do I keep trying to make him realize he has a problem, and continue to be annoyed with his behavior. I am frustrated with that fact that he is ALWAYS drunk during our time together. I don’t want to see me 5 or 10 years down the road still living this way. I get angry and annoyed, frustrated and irritated. These feelings are hard to deal with when they are feeling’s you have for the man you love. What would you recommend? Stick it out and try to make him realize he needs help, or leave hoping to scare him straight? I know there is going to come a time where I will have to put my feelings and happiness first. He finds it funny and laughs when I tell him things that he doesn’t remember. I know that he is in the early stages ( well 3 yrs in ), but I know most likely it will get worse. I just don’t know if I want to be around when the worse happens.

  247. Kay on May 13th, 2011 4:37 pm

    I have been married for 27 years, we have two kids that are grown and out of the house. My husband has always had an issue with drinking although sometimes it seems he was in “remission” so to speak. The last 8 years have been tough. He thinks he can handle his alcohol as all alcoholics do. He has had 2 DUI’s and he can’t afford the breathilizer so he is driving on a suspended license. I started having symptoms of anxiety attacks when he started drinking heavier again 8 years ago, so I am constantly worried he will get that 3rd DUI. So many arguments about the drinking and the life we have now that I just don’t feel like I am in love with him any longer. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him, but I just don’t want to be a part of it anymore. I am not happy, and I am positive he thinks I will never leave. I want to leave, I just am not sure where to go. I don’t want to burden my kids or family and friends with my problems. I don’t even talk to anyone about it because it is just too embarrasing, mostly because I have put up with it for so long. I feel alone, depressed, sad, frustrated, and my self worth is zero. I deserve better than this, I just need the guts to go forward.

  248. Wendy Fulco-Walston on May 14th, 2011 3:28 pm

    On May the 19th 2011 I will be divorced from my alcoholic husband. He is also the father of my two beautiful children, my high school sweetheart, my true love and death of my soul. Although I love (not past tense) him I could not take it anymore. He went to rehab four times, almost died once from consuming so much that he seized at work and had to stay in the hospital for a week. Even after I filed for divorce I stayed with him everyday at the hospital because I was so worried. He was told again and again that if he wanted to live he MUST stop drinking. I thought surely now he will stop. Well his kids, his wife and his own life still is not impotant enough for him to stop. Oh he tried, 92 days sober. The 93rd day he drank for 4 days straight. He binges on his days off acting out with everyone he knows. Then he detoxes and remembers nothing. I am still to blame this morning for his behavior and crazy comments he puts on facebook. He says”If only I would go to AA with him again he would stop again.” Been there done that for the last 11 yrs. So now as my heart is breaking and I either feel sick, tired, depressed or angry I must get it together for my daughter and son. I don’t want the physical and mental abuse I endured from their father to seem like it’s the “normal and acceptable” way to behave. I pray everyday to have strength to guide them to be healthy happy people. Next week will be heartbreaking. I know I will get through it though. Thank you for listening.

  249. Jennifer on May 17th, 2011 3:33 am

    To: Cat Chon

    I totally undestand your frustration and bitterness…believe me “I DO”~My father was an alcoholic and would spend all his money to please his buddies who only came over to party and drink…then pass out on the floor…and I had to clean up that mess they created…they were so hung over and never sober that they wouldnt help ect…I was beyond fed up and irratated–My advice to you is to have a heart to heart meeting with your mother and sister about how you feel, how its effecting you emotionally. Let them understand you and what you think should be done. Of course you have to respect them and hear out what they have to say too….Something has to be done to save your father and to save all of you—all in a Positive move…but one step at a time…I truly wish you and your family the best of luck…Its tough watching our loved ones go down the wrong path…but we cant force them to change…but I do gurantee the POWER OF PRAYER does help…I dont know if your religious but I know God works in mysterious ways, sometimes we may not understand it but hes there to always listen…Also if we montior our thoughts and stay positive the Laws of the Attraction will be at your commands…the Universe will grant your wishes~~btw if you havent seen THE SECRET or read the book by Rhonda Bryne..I truly suggest it!! GOODLUCK CAT!!! I know your life will be blissful and peaceful soon =)

  250. Marie Jones on May 21st, 2011 12:53 pm

    Wow I read about people that have been in this situation for years and I think why am I finding it so hard to leave I have been in this situation for 7 months.
    Whats harder is my bf is willing to do stuff about it but its usually with a shuff from me which makes me wonder if he succeeds will he stay sober. Recently at AA we have been a few times (it has to be we otherwise he probably wouldnt bother) he said shall I ask for a sponser, he has been for counselling and they are applying to send him to rehab asap ( he said he will go no matter what but is struggling with this as he has a 4 year old daughter, understandable, hes a brill dad)
    This seems like a silly time to leave him but I’ve just had enough with the lies, the last few days he was so nasty and spiteful to me and I know its because this rehab stuff is playing on his mind. There are a few things that worry me, Im a free spirit and may want to go off traveling for abit in the future, what happens when I go does he hit the bottle.. Lately I have found him quite manipulative and jealous, when I say I havent noticed this before are you an insecure person his reply is I don’t know who Iam I have been pissed for the last 15 years. Do I want to be with someone that doesn’t even know half of who they are. Im answering all my own questions but I do love him, hes a beautiful person and its a hard decision.
    My feeling is to end this relationship, he has an assessment for rehab on the 31st, lets see if he does this no matter what for himself, if this is the case he maybe able to remain sober then if we are meant to be hopefully he may come back to me it better form so we can have a normal as we can relationship, I understand he will always be an alcoholic, Im not deluding myself but at least by then maybe a recovering one.
    I said i need to think about things and would give him an answer Monday, not to string him along, not to be cruel but I don’t want to leave him and go back, this has happened a few times and its a rollercoaster for both of us, i need to make a decision and stick to it, hence looking through all these sites trying to find strength and wisdom.
    To all of you in these destructive relationships, if you stay when you feel inside so miserable then you are valueing someones need for you and happiness over your own (this is something I have a habit of doing and need to look into)

  251. laura on May 23rd, 2011 1:48 pm

    hi again~
    this is the fourth time that i have posted in the last few years… i left my alcoholic husband of four years a few years ago and it was by far the best decision that i have ever ever made in my entire life. i was so scared for so long to leave and then i finally did it and my life has changed unbelievably since then. i am now happily married with a baby boy and am just so happy. i do not miss the anxiety, uncertainty, and then unhappiness associated with living with an alcoholic. i often come back to this website to read the stories of others and my heart aches for the women and men that stay in these dead end relationships. my advice is to get out and enjoy your life. thats what i did and i am so thankful that i did.

  252. Tiffany on May 25th, 2011 9:54 pm

    So glad I found this web-site. I just broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend of 10 months a week ago. I know this is nothing to how long many of you have been putting up with this stuff, but coming here has given me strength because I’ve been feeling so guilty and now I see that I am lucky to have gotten out now. Like most of you have said, my boyfriend is a wonderful, funny, outgoing, smart, and just all around great guy – when sober. I knew he had a drinking problem from almost the moment I met him – he admitted it – but for some reason, maybe because I was drinking a lot too, I believed the excuses and thought I could help him. My boyfriend has had a very rough life – severe abuse as a child, kicked out of his house and homeless for 6 months when he was 16, and then, two years ago, his little brother committed suicide. When I met him, he was 33, living at home, no car, and only had a part-time job, and just writing that makes me realize how stupid I was for getting involved with him, but I just saw such potential in him – so intelligent and really, everybody who meets him just loves him.

    But it has been a rough 10 months, or really, just the last 6. At first it was wonderful, of course. Then, I let him move in with me and use my car so it would be easier for us to see each other and for him to get back and forth to work. He was supposed to pay half the rent, but, of course, that never materialized – just blew all of his money on alcohol, cigarettes, and fast food. He was also supposed to be joining the army, which is why I wasn’t too worried about the job thing – he kept talking about how he would pay me back and support us both as soon as he got in. Well, after prodding him again and again to talk to his recruiter and helping him pay off some outstanding tickets, he finally found out in April that he can’t join because of a drug charge from when he was 19. (He hasn’t done drugs in years, but used to be on everything you can imagine, except the things you have to shoot up, although, who knows, maybe he was lying about that).

    I also have my own tendencies toward addiction (alcoholic father), and I found that I was getting worse and worse with him. I quit for two months, but he was still drinking all of the time in front of me, and even asking me to buy him alcohol, and I finally gave in and started drinking again. Then, the day after Christmas, he got physical with me, and when I tried to call the police, he smashed my phone. I told him he had to leave, but he begged and pleaded and promised to quit drinking, and so I forgave him, and he actually did quit, and me too, for another 2 months. Things were somewhat better, but he sunk into a depression and didn’t want to have sex and just stayed up all night playing video games or watching tv until finally, I snapped, and said, “Fine, let’s just moderate our drinking.” (Stupid, I know). The very next time we drank, he pushed me again and threatened to rape me. Another time, he didn’t hit me, but I got so scared, I called the police on him, although they didn’t do anything because he hadn’t actually hit me. Next, he got a DUI with me in the car (he was supposed to be the designated driver, and I didn’t realize how much he’d been drinking). I know that I can be ok without alcohol, but I really needed him to quit with me because I can’t do it if it’s in the house all of the time – but he just kept saying that there was too much stress and he’d quit in a few months, blah blah.

    Finally, a week ago, he got drunk and then went over and spent the night at my supposed “best friend’s” house, on her own drunken invitation (I have been surrounding myself with bad people the past few years). I don’t think he cheated on me, but that was such a violation of trust. He came home the next day at 1pm and lied about where he’d been and started swearing at me for being mad, then proceeded to drink all weekend long, periodically apologizing and telling me how much he loved me and then saying how really it was my fault because I’d been drinking too. Finally, last Wed. my “best friend” told me the truth and also that he’d been calling her all weekend.

    I kicked him out, and now I just keep getting these erratic texts – one minute he’ll say how we shouldn’t be together because we are on “different paths,” the next he will admit what he did was wrong, the next he will say that my “best friend” is a liar, and then, finally, I’ll get all of the stuff about how much he loves me and he was just about to get sober, and now he has nothing to keep him going.

    The sad part is, I am a very highly-educated person with a good, professional career. I have spent the past 10 months working an extra job so that I could pay all of the rent, the car payment/insurance, utilities, groceries, and basically everything while he worked part-time, and now and then washed the dishes or walked the dog. And I still managed to get into debt because I simply couldn’t afford to support two people. I think I have a drinking problem too – not as bad as his because I can go without so long as I don’t bring it in the house or go to bars and I’ve never gotten up and started drinking before noon and then just stayed drunk all day – but bad enough that I don’t want to be around alcohol any more. He used this against me and said really he was fine and that I just caused all of the fights because of my own drinking – like he was all fun and happy and I was the one who got angry. But he ignored the fact that I was angry because he kept lying to me about looking for work and just sat around all day while I was working two jobs and paying for everything. And he ignored the fact that I was the one always pushing for us to quit drinking. And he ignored the fact that I wasn’t the one who pushed him around or disappeared for the night if I drank too much.

    Anyway, he’s gone now, and I’m doing much better. I’m moving out of state in a month, and as soon as I get to my new place, I’m going to AA and I’m going to get a counselor because I feel like I was attracted to him and let him do this to me because of my own problem. I feel so ashamed, but I also know that at least I can take care of myself. I feel bad for him because he is back living with his dad and walking to his part-time job, and he keeps talking about how his life is over now. But I can’t take him back or help him – I feel like if I do, I will just spiral into my own addiction. I want to be free of that kind of life, and I think that means being free of him. And I think he will be better off without me too, in the end, so long as he commits to getting help. Anyway, thanks for listening.

  253. Mallory on May 25th, 2011 11:06 pm

    I got married one year ago to the man I thought was the love of my life and minimized the signs of alcohol abuse I saw beforehand. He was sweet, charming, handsome, and very intelligent. We had a very active social life and even though I noticed he drank more than others and sometimes got really wasted, but I figured he would grow out of it. I am ambitious and active and I’m working to get my Master’s degree in nursing, and I wanted to live my life with someone who was enthusiastic about life as well. After we got married his social drinking turned into him drinking by himself at home most nights of the week. When I started to question him, he got very defensive and the conflicts started to happen more and more frequently. I got more concerned about his drinking and he began telling me how controlling I was. His drinking only got worse and he started lying to me about it. I would find beer cans and beer bottles hidden in closets, behind the couch, or in his car. He became more emotionally and verbally abusive during our fights and I noticed that all my energy started draining away. I didn’t get excited about my school experiences, I didn’t feel like getting together with my friends because I was afraid he would get too drunk and humiliate me, etc. Worrying about his alcohol problem consumed me. Since our relationship became so tense, he started having an emotionally intimate relationship with a woman at work. He told her about our problems and hid his relationship with her for months before I found out they were texting and talking everyday. After all this we still tried marriage counseling, but he would make promises that he couldn’t keep, and the lies would continue. I finally decided I couldn’t take it anymore and I moved out, but it’s been so painful. He is begging me to come back and he’s in therapy now and says he has resolved his issues, but he still thinks he can drink socially “in moderation”. I don’t think I can do it….I feel like someone with this problem will always have it, and I don’t want to go back to that. We don’t have any kids, so it would be a clean break. Is it possible for people to change? And is it possible to forgive someone who has caused you so much pain? Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks, and thank you all for sharing your stories.

  254. Melissa Carr on June 5th, 2011 1:30 pm

    After 16 years of walking on eggshells, while having five children less than 2 years apart, I finally decided I and my children had had enough! The promises to not drink worked for 1 year at most, but every time he “thought” he would limit the beer to two bottles….it became more and more until he was drinking more than he had ever. All the times he would do mean things, anything that was not what a husband should do to a wife, let alone your worst friend-the next day he would ask me out to lunch and wonder why I was not talking. All I ever wanted was an apology and for him to aknowledge what he had done. I once recorded him and the next day asked him to listen, WRONG! He did not want to listen and would turn it around on me as to why I would want to dwell in the past!?!He would push me around and I am disabled from an auto accident that broke my spinal-C6-7 crushed, among other things and it was before I met him. I walk with a limp due to paralysis. One time he put his arms around my neck and said, “I could just kill you!” It should of been enough to leave but I had all five kidss from 1991-1998-We were married in 92, when our first was 6 mos old. When he started pushing the kids around they knew to call 911. He was baker acted because he started crying and never had I see him cry in my life. At that point, he was not aloud to come home until he enrolled in an alcoholic intensive therapy. Also child protective services came in and talked to each kid-the youngest, I believe was 8 or 9, oldest was 17 and the rest were 15, 13, 12. Every child told what they knew, my youngest even told about a time daddy was driving with her and he had a beer he was drinking(illegal here in Florida) she said’”Daddy please don’t drink beer and drive, it scares me.” He just laughed and told her to mind her business. I heard that all the kids had same stories. Basically, I was told by CPS to get a restraining order. That was the hardest day of my life what I thought would take no more than 2 hours, took 4-6, because of the tremendous amount of paperwork. I was told to write any and everything I could remember. I wrote 6 pages, so no doubt would appear as it is not easy to get. I received the order approved by a judge that same day-unfortunately it was against me, but I thought it was including kids.Our court date was 2 weeks later, he did not want to go infront of judge to decide the fate of how he would see the children, so I asked for 60 days supervised visits. At this time I was not thinking divorce but knew he would not be happy. His lawyer wanted to know if my lawyer would be representing me iin the divorce. I did not file divorce, he eventually did. It took 2 years for our divorce to close. I had forensic cpa because he owned his own business and claimed $30,000.00 YR-which was a lie-he made over $150,000.00 YR, luckily I had seen a copy a year prior to all of this where he went 2 hours away and deposited over $70,000.00 with his secretary and it was proceeds from real estate we sold. I guess all along I knew he was untrustworthy. I receive a settlement from my car accident (I was passenger), this was for me to keep up physical therapy, surgeries, health ins, etc. He would always say “I wish I broke my neck and got handed money every month without working” Every step I take I have to watch, my right leg is stiff, bottom line, I was able to get settlement because my father had coverage that afforded it, not to mention I was 17 and spent 6 months in hospital during my senior year in which I graduated and was able to “limp” in a cast to receive my diploma. I get angry every time I think about him saying that. I’m sorry this was so long.
    To wrap up: most alcoholics are abusive, mentally, emotionally, and some form of physical-even threats and a push-*YOU NEVER MAKE AN ALCOHOLIC ABUSE YOU-EVEN IF YOU PUSHED A BUTTON THAT WOULD SET HIM OFF. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT FOR HIS ACTIONS. *YOU SHOULD GET HIM OUT, WITH A RESTRAINING ORDER-VERBAL ABUSE AND THREATS ARE SOMETIMES WORSE THAN A HIT, JUST NOT KNOWING WHEN IT MAY HAPPEN. *EVERY PERSON DESERVES THE RIGHT TO BE REPRESENTED-THIS CAME FROM A JUDGE TO ME BECAUSE I HAD NO MONEY TO PAY MY LAWYER-SO HE MADE MY HUSBAND PAY. *YOU WILL BE ORDERED TEMPORARY SUPPORT TO MAINTAIN YOUR LIVING EXPENSES ex: my ex got removed from home, since he always paid household bills, he was to continue doing the same, they did not care if he had to live somewhere.*MY KIDS ARE SO MUCH HAPPIER-IT WAS STILL AN ADJUSTMENT BUT THEY NO LONGER WALK ON EGGSHELLS AS I DID.. *PEOPLE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU, I WAS AMAZED OF THE GENEROSITY OF PEOPLE WHO HELPED WITH THE HOUSE AND THINGS I COULD NOT DO. <3 LIKE NIKE SAYS, "JUST DO IT"! GOOD LUCK TO ALL OF YOU IN THIS SITUATION, IM HERE FOR ANYONE WHO MAY HAVE QUESTIONS THAT I COULD HELP WITH. SINCERELY, MELISSA

  255. Shelley on June 7th, 2011 12:42 am

    I’m so happy that I landed on this website. It is very clear to me that I’m not alone. I finally got the courage to draw the line and made a decision to end my relationship with my alcholic husband. I have been married for 29 years and physically seperated from my husband for 6 years. We had contact during our sepeartion because of our two children. I remained in the home and he lived in an apartment. During our seperation he lost his career after having mutiple behavioral issues dealing with his drinking that cost him his job. He also wrecked my car while he was intoxicated. His drinking has caused emotional, physical and verbal abuse. My daugter and son have been affected emotionally. I stayed in the marriage for years because I wanted to keep my family together. I realized that my decision was not a good one because I know the unheatlhy environment has caused a lot of pain for me and my family. My husband is really irresponsible and he got evicted from his apartment last month. He decided to return to the house uninvited without my approval (I said no due to his past behavior) because he lost his apartment. He was at the house less than 4 days causing conflict after drinking. He was showing signs of his old behavior he had prior to our seperation. He had threatening behavior, and intentionally closed the car door on my arm when I was getting out of the car. I have a protection order against him and he was removed from our home. I was very HURT because he came back to our home and tried to control everything and tried to continue with his abusive behaivor. During our physical seperation, I became a STRONGER person and when he came back I was prepared to deal with him and said NO MORE PAIN…NO MORE DRAMA…IT STOPS RIGHT NOW!!!! I have hired an attorney and have started the process of my divorce. My husband is a chronic alcoholic and I still care for him because he is the father of my children. My kids are grown now and I feel GOD HAS BLESSED ME TO TAKE A STAND IN MY LIFE AND NO LONGER ALLOW MY HUSBAND TO MISTREAT ME….Good luck to everyone, and always remember to stay strong and know you should not settle for less…Always seek the BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!! I made it, and so can you!!! :-)

  256. Leslie on June 8th, 2011 1:17 am

    I have been living with alcoholic husband for 30 years and now 53 years old with two grown son 24, 23.
    I ave been trying ,hurting myself decades to help, change or trying to have any relationship or build the life with this person
    I have FAILED! because it is designed to fail from the get-go.

    I have been prepared to leave my alcoholic, womanizer husband for 10 years financially and my two sons to be grow up to be ready to accept the fact their home is broken.

    Now I’m completely ready financially(owning a good business) as well as my two sons are adult now.

    I still have a issues as an co- dependent (mental illness or addiction developed by being in a alcoholic family member. It require 12 steps to be free from disease just like alcoholism.The first step to be cure is to detach from the source of diseases to (alcoholic person), but to be detached, it needs lot of self study or awareness practice. refer the book co-dependent no more by Melody Beattie).
    This book is truly cleared my vision and the attitude towards the alcoholic husband.

    I’m still struggle and forgetful time to time that I’m co-dependent needs to be cured.

    We are not normal people by leaving with such an ill person,
    for long years and endure the pain anger, frustration, etc., like that is normal peoples things to condition to leave.

    Very Very uncomfortable but yet comfort present will not take us to any where.
    Stand up and open the door find who you were used to be.

  257. Michelle on June 12th, 2011 3:35 pm

    I left my husband a little over a month ago. We were married for 6 years, together for 7. He was always abusive to me at times but just until recently did I make the correlation that he was also an alcoholic. He got to the point he drank every day, & sometimes by himself. There had been many times throughout my marriage I wondered if I did the right thing in marrying him. There were a couple of times I was thinking of leaving him and then I would find out I was pregnant. I felt so trapped and so scared to do anything on my own. He never let me make my own decisions. He had control over all the finances and over everything I did. nothing I did was ever good enough for him. I think the only reason why I took it so long was because I grew up with an alcoholic father and I didn’t know that there was better out there. He tripped me down stairs once and I broke my elbow. one time when he was drunk he beat the crap out of me so bad. because he thought I was cheating. An accusation he made because of his own inner guilt for the way he was treating me & the things he was doing. I never understood how someone could “love” me but act like they hated me. The only time he was ever nice to me was when he wanted sex. It finally dawned on me that he didn’t love me he was just frightened of being alone. It dawned on my we had a problem with alcoholism when I came home from work and he was drinking by himself. Then proceeded to spit on me and hit me because I didn’t get off my cell phone. i fell and it hurt my children. That’s what it took for me to leave…my children getting hurt. I have a lot of anger within myself for ever letting things go that far. There have been plenty of time he could have KILLED me. I don’t know why I was so scared to leave..its hard, I am struggling with bills but the inner peace I have is worth any struggling I will have to go through. he killed my love for him. He keeps trying to say he’s sorry and he’s changed. Its sad but I know he won’t He still drinks. I cannot change him. It can never be again.

  258. Yuko on June 13th, 2011 1:52 am

    Hi Mallory,

    It really sucks to married a man who grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family.

    I’ve been married to a functional alcoholic for 30 years. For 16 years out of 30 years of marriage, I dealt with his drinking problem. We have 2 grown children.

    I finally went to see the therapist about a year ago and I was told I have 3 choices. Divorce, intervention and stay with him. My therapist also recommended me to attend Al-Anon meetings. I learned so much, alcoholism is a mental disease, you didn’t cause it, can’t control it and no cure. But you can contribute to it. I have a wonderful sponsor now, she has been Al-Anon program for 19 years. She already taught me so much and I’m so grateful.

    I was a big enabler, we argued so many times. Now I don’t buy him beers, we don’t go out if he was drunk, I try my best not to argue with him and I practice loving detachment. Now I focus on my happiness and take a better care of myself. Because I became mentally ill and finally I’m on my recovery. I have more knowledge about alcoholism and I feel much wiser and stronger. And I hope that changing my attitude will help him to quit drinking.

    I decided to stay with him because I’m 53 and I’ve been a homemaker for 30 years and I have no education and experience to find a job to support myself.

    I have good days and bad days but “One day at a time”, here is the serenity prayer that I say everyday. “God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.”

    Step one: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

    You’re young and educated, you deserve happiness. I can’t tell you what to do but it seems he is in denial. He needs to go to A.A meetings, therapy and/or rehab. As long as your husband doesn’t want to quit drinking, marriage counseling won’t work. Please find a good therapist and attend Al-Anon meetings. You need to focus on your happiness and please take good care of yourself. Good luck and I wish you all the best.

    Yuko

  259. J on June 16th, 2011 11:34 pm

    I know this isn’t in the same exact position as you folks, but I need some advice badly. For all 19 years of my life I do not have any memories of my father being completely sober for a whole day. Every night he would be drunk, either passed out in his chair or when I was younger he was verbally and mentally abusive to my mom. Even though I was not verbally abused, it still has had a tremendousl affect on me emotionally and mentally. As I got older he stopped being mentally abusive and instead he would just go to bed extremely early like 5pm. We would always find bottles all over the house and then he got sneaky and started hiding them in his shop and we have not been able to find them. He admitted to me one time that he was an alcoholic, but just like all of them he wont get any help and denies that he has a problem. My dad was never apart of my life, just always kinda there. I consider my mom my only parent. He never came to any school functions or extracirricular activities, he always made excuses so that he could go home and start on the bottle as fast as he could. The only school functions that he ever came to were Crosscountry and Track meets, they were during the day so he could still make it home in time to get on the bottle once again. My mom would have us call her to let her know when she needed to come pick my brother and I up from sporting events and sometimes we would call the house and he would pick up and then he would say while slurring his words that he would tell her we were about ready to be picked up, but never did relay the message….we live 30 miles out of town. In other words I have never really had a dad, and it is embarrassing and makes me feel so ashamed that I have the home life that I do. Only 2 of my friends know about my home life and that is only becasue ones mom works at the liquor store that my dad goes to, plus its a small town, and becasue the other one has an alcoholic family member and can relate. My mom said she wont divorce him because that would be the easy way out, but that she has thought about it. I dont understand why she wont. My dad and I do not have a good relationship at all, I never want to be around him. It just makes me furious to look at him and then when he tries to parent it makes me so angry. Is it so wrong that I have no respect for my dad nor any love? I want to so bad, but it is not possible.

  260. roland on June 21st, 2011 11:08 pm

    Why is it always the man blamed for being an “alcoholic” and abuse? If a woman is drinking 8 or 9 beers a night, every night until she’s “relaxed” enough to go to bed, wakes up the next morning berating her children and getting impatiently sharp with them over every little thing until she goes to work, then coming home to “ignore them again” while starting her 9-beer drinking festival all over again, wouldn’t this be classified as an abusive alcoholic? This does not even include how she treats the husband, but i guess most women reading this already made an excuse for her as to his fault somewhere along the line! You wanted the feminist movement but not the responsibility to go with it–it is still a man’s world. We provide for it, nurture it, and accept the consequences for it. How many women live up to that?

  261. anita on June 24th, 2011 12:07 am

    I’ve been married 10 years now, I’m 29 years and have 2 children with him. My husband is an alcoholic going on 4 years now. But now that I think about it, he may have always been an alcoholic since I met him when we were only 15 but I wasn’t paying that much attention or it wasn’t causing so much pain as it is now. He has physically hurt me (it has been 7 months now that he hasn’t laid a hand on me but the verbal and emotional attacks are just as bad if not worst) He acknowledges he has a problem but will not get help. He will not go to a counselor, he will not accept Christ, He will not go to AA, He will not go to Celebrate Recovery… all I hear is I will, I am going to… it’s getting old already and my kids are in critical stages where I need to end this vicious cycle of alcoholism and abuse. I’ve lost friends, family and now I’m going to the church but when I continue to stay well what can people really do and I hate to be the one that stays in the relationship and doesn’t learn. I know I can’t be this stupid and I can’t even answer the simple question of why do you stay? I’ve said for the kids, I’ve said for the condo (well we lost that 3 months ago) and I’ve said because I’m afraid he’ll hurt himself… but enough is enough I gotta leave, I just have to. Now I’m suffering with depression and anxiety about coming home and I can’t even feel joy anymore. I feel so alone and I’m going to pray that God will give me the spirit, direction, strength and courage to do what I have to do for my children and for myself. I dont’ know when was the last time I was actually feeling at peace. I long for that and I don’t know when it will ever come back but I’m so scared, this is a very difficult decision.

  262. Marjorie on June 24th, 2011 5:25 pm

    Hello Sisters! Today I packed my stuff and left my alcoholic husband of 28 years. Feel like I escaped from prison. The pain of living with him became bigger than the fear of living on my own(w/kids). I was tired of having my nervous system torn down on a daily basis by just being in the same house with him. I was having a hard time making up my mind and he made it up for me by stealing my $6000 tax return. That’s what you call a dope fiend move. Despite the $ loss, friends were available at every turn to help me make this move–with very little money. That’s my Higher Power and I am beyond grateful. I could not have done this without a lot of prayer, good women friends, and the support I get from alanon and AA, because I am, before anything else, a sober alcoholic. Six years baby!!!!!
    Please ladies, PLEASE go to an alanon meeting and let the folks there help you. It’s too big to tackle by yourself. I know. I tried. My prayers and my heart are with you.

  263. Dane Crazy on June 29th, 2011 3:53 pm

    Hi all. I just filed for divorce after 22 years of living with an alcoholic. The last 3 years have cost me nearly $50,000 in medical expenses, DUI’s, attorney fees, court costs, mail fines, cars towed, therapy, etc., for my husband. If we didn’t have insurance it would have cost well over $350,000.00 I’m done with it. I’m not crying, I’m not mad, I’m not even angry at him anymore. Mostly I’m disgusted and absolutely I just don’t care for him anymore period.He destroyed our good marriage with booze. Booze will always win over his family and friends and his job (which by the way he just lost) I don’t have to endure the disgusting names he calls me or any other type of abuse anymore. I don’t have to look at his twisted face or smell his vomit and booze breath. No more waking in the middle of the night because he is hallucinating. Thank you God for the strength you have given me to live a life I can now cheris again.

    If you are involved with an alcoholic – RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. THEY AREN’T WORTH IT. VERY VERY FEW OF THEM STAY SOBER. THAT’S NOT A CHANCE I’M WILLING TO TAKE.

    BARBARA

    I believe God wants me to be happy and safe. I’m not happy or safe in a marriage to an alcoholic.

  264. gladis on June 30th, 2011 9:38 pm

    Hi, Ive been married to a alcaholic for just 1 year, Things have gone wrong so much lately. He has been married before with 2 grown up sons & they have kids, I was also married myself & have 2 grown up children . My husband lately has started to verbally abuse me he says horrible things to me in which i dont understand why? He only does this while he is drinking for instance in the last month his 2 sons are coming to our house everynight with a carryout & also smoke dope it really does my head in, as i am out working every day & i cant get my dinner untill they go, So i told my hubby that i wasnt happy with this, I dont mind them coming round to the house to see there dad i would prefare if they kept there drinking to there own houses, My hubby wasnt amused at all, he said if his kids are not allowed round then i have to do the same with mne which i think is unffair as my kids dont come to my house to drink,i have just found out that i am a diabetic & have other problems to! Ny hubby doesnt want to know, he says its not his fault that i am a diabetic & that there is no fun in me anymore, he brings alot of stuff up that happenend to me years ago, ^ calls me a lying bitch a f…..king dickhead, he even told me that he didnt love me anymore which it nearly killed me hearing him say that.. I had a row with one of his kids, & i told him that you dont live with your dad so you dont know whats going on & what i have to put up with when he,s drinking, He really didnt want to understand…. I am so fed up depressed I dont want to walk out as he tells me if he hadnt got me around him he would drink himself to death….I do love him with all my heart but when he is nasty i hate him & wonder why i stay, I asked him to move away & start a fresh , he says he would but when a house comes up to view , he will go & view but always makes an accuse that he doesnt like it.. He is to near his 2 sons which is driving me crazy & he is so easy lead when it comes down to drink, By the morning he will act so sweet & will appologise for his bad behaviour & swears it will never happen again, But deep down i know it will happen again & again only its getting worse. The Alcaholic may have a decease but its the partners suffer so much ….. My health is more inportantant but i dont get a chance to relax & look after myself as all i do is look out for him. He tells me all i do is nag, he sees all the good things in his boys & always abusses me by his mouth , When he is sober he is a fantastic man & would do anything for me, Im sure you have heard all this before….But i am scared to loose him i just want him to be happy , And to get back to being ourselves without drink

  265. Stacey on July 9th, 2011 2:26 pm

    I am a recently recovering alcoholic. I have attended an outpatient program, yet continued to drink. I drank to forget the pain of my past, and it had become an enormous addiction. I was verbally abusive to my husband, and also did this in front of the children. I said such mean, disgusting things. It made me sick the next, if I even remembered, what I said. My husband threatened many times to leave – but never did. I knew he wouldn’t. That is so sick of me to say that.

    I continued to drink, continued my disgusting ways, and being paranoid (due to drinking). I told my husband I wanted a divorce – and to get out of the house. I blamed my drinking on him, of course. I thought he would come back the next day – like always – but did not.

    This action snapped me into the reality of “Do I want my marriage, or would I rather have alcohol”. My answer was I want my marriage – and my husband. He has been gone now a week – came back yesterday and said he couldn’t, wouldn’t come back until I got better. I asked him what I could do to change his mind – again, he said to get better.

    My heart aches, but I know everything is my fault. I only hope and pray that I can save the relationship. I have stopped drinking, attending counseling, and also a wonderful church. My parents, and siblings, have also helped me.

    I just wanted to give the perspective of an alcoholic. When you are addicted – nothing else comes before that addiction. It’s disgusting, yes, but true. Do not enable the addict – let them go. Please don’t give up on the alcoholic – let them go to realize what is important to them; and when they get clean, which they will if they love you, you will know you did the right thing. They will always be grateful to you for making them realize the issue, and saving their life.

  266. Isabella on July 12th, 2011 8:17 pm

    I too have filed for divorce last week after 22 years of marriage to a person with an addictive personality. My soon to be ex was addicted to cocaine first, then alcohol, Between the two addictions infedelity, lies, manipulation, verbal and emotional abuse. It truly felt as if I was high myself because confused, irratable, unhappy. Soon after we got married he started to push me away; for years I felt abbandoned but decided to do everything in my power to make my marriage work because I truly believed in my vowels. We have an amazing son, heart of gold, that has been my pillar of sanity through all this; a son, so young, but, yet mature, that made me realize that I deserved to be happy and it was time for me to make a move. Both my son and I moved out of our home and a week later he started to ask me for a divorce. I thought…..he is asking me????? At first, i felt as if he had crushed me emotionally once again and gotten the better part of me. There were times where I felt as if my head was about to explode because I could not take it anymore. My first step to recovery was realizing there was nothing more I could do for my alkie. It was time for me to take a stand and start taking care of ME. Taking care of ME meant being able to focus on my son. I started the 16 week CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and was able to rediscover myself and find that self esteem and positive attitude I once had. A few weeks ago I found out about some of his deep dark secrets that disgusted me and gave me that last push to say ” I’M DONE”. If any of you believe that you can save you alkie with kind words, love, compassion and/or emphaty you can forget it because nothing will motivate the alcoholic to change unless something drastic happens, drastic enough that they decide it’s time to seek for help. DO not put your life on hold and wait for them to hit their rock bottom because soemtimes that rock bottom does not come and it may result in death. I have since my initial separation made amazing improvement but I still struggle with the fact that, now, I am aware that my entire marriage was a big lie.
    My suggestion to you all struggling with the desicion to stay or move on is: Whatever you decide you must be consistant, aware and determined.
    Good luck to you all!

  267. Therese on July 17th, 2011 7:28 pm

    My nightmare of 9 years came to an end 6 months ago when he was arrested. Until then I did not know my husband was an alcoholic. Until then I did not know he was abusive. I thought only physical abuse was abuse. I did not know that he should not be saying or doing the things he did. I did not know this type of thing/relationship/madness existed. I believed him when he said I was the problem. If I just “didn’t do this or didn’t do that, or why couldn’t I just say or do things another way”, then “this (insert horrible abusive episode) wouldn’t have happened”. I was told and thoroughly convinced that I was the abuser, the alcoholic, the psychotic and evil (insert adjective here) and that I was the one who needed psychological help. Which I got. But over and over they would tell me I was depressed but nothing more, that “maybe” it’s your marriage you suffer from. To say my spirit, esteem, emotional and psychological integrity had been broken by this relationship does not touch the reality of what I lived in. My whole sense of self was/is distorted. The problem, the catch-22 here, is that the longer this goes on the more broken you become. The more warped your sense of reality becomes and the harder it is to realize that you are having a relationship with their sickness — not them (who can love you back). And, as most of you know, the sickness is not the whole part of your spouse/boyfriend/etc — it can be just a small percent. There is this other side to them that you adore.

    Fortunately for my soon-to-be ex-husband, he has gained tremendous self-awarenes of his madness though coming to terms (meaning dealing with a looming DV conviction, 2 DUI’s, probation, the loss of his wife and a court-ordered counseling program) with his addiction and realizing that he is repeating the same pattern with me as his father did with his mother. I am glad for him. I have firm boundaries with him, we live separately and lead separate lives but continue to operate our company together and share custody of our dog. He knows the damage that he has caused and respects my wishes to be only friends, we both want to salvage our friendship but know that rekindling an initimate or romantic relationship is out of the question. The emotional trust is gone.

    Here’s my current and rather unexpected dillema…he has been faithfully sober for 6 months and is embracing his sobriety and counseling, etc and can go out with friends and has no problem not drinking. He went to a bar to play poker and ordered his usual plain tonic with lime drink (you know, to fit it). Another bartender came on shift and mistook his tonics for vodka tonics. Apparently, according to my therapist, an alcoholic brain loses the ability to sense a buzz and stop. So 8 Vt’s later, he has broken into my house and threatened my life. His alcoholic brain, nearly blacked-out, led him to my house to hurt me — he had become the exact same monster he was 6 months ago when he was arrested. His regular disposition (the one I’ve been able to see the past 6 months without incident) is caring and protective of me and is trying his hardest to deal with a monster within him that hurts the very ones he loves the most. It would have been easier for me if he had intentionally gone out and gotten drunk. Then I could be mad and with resolution end all ties. Why didn’t he just get into a fight with the bouncer or another dumb-ass drunk, why did he come at me?

    Now, I am just broken, numb, confused and grief-stricken. No longer able to look at him without also seeing the monster who hides latent in his brain — the one who, given the chance – any chance – seeks to destroy him and hurt me. I find that I can not even accept him as a friend. I don’t know what exactly anyone will take from this…I think when dealing with alcoholism you may just have to accept that it may never be salvaged. You have lost them, all of them; their goodness and their demons. And it is probably the hardest thing you will ever have to do. It is grieving and loss at it’s worst. It is more difficult than dealing with their death. I pretended and hoped and did everything I thought I was right and was told was right – but I can no longer avoid facing the pain of my now inevitable decisions. I wish I could go back into my shell, god knows I have lived in it for years. Sometimes the pain and grief is so great I sometimes wish my life would just end. You live through hell and when you finally get free you have more to go through – except now I am alone and isolated (no one close to me knows anything about what I have gone through, my friends or family would have been terrified if they knew). This is how hard it is. Don’t let anyone tell you it’s not, or give you well-intentioned advice either direction or my favorite,”why don’t you just leave?”. If you are in an abusive relationship still – my heart is with you. No one will understand the road you travel alone unless they have been there. My counselor also told me that it takes the average person in our situation 12 times to finally leave. This should also give you an idea of how difficult this is. Do not let yourself be ashamed. My soon-to-be ex has his addiction to alcohol to recover from, I have my addiction to him to recover from. Right now, I only have to not answer the phone when he calls (just like not picking up that first drink). One day at a time. Maybe at 30 days, I’ll get a token?

  268. Mary on July 18th, 2011 9:31 am

    After 12 years of living with my functioning alcoholic husband, I am at the point of taking back my life. It makes me sad to see him at the point he is at, which is minimum 12 beers a night, if not more, but I am done living with the drama it brings to my life. I am not sure if I am leaving him, but he is noticing the changes in me, and he is getting very uncomfortable. He is a hardworking guy, comes from a family of alcoholics so it is socially acceptable, if not expected, that he drinks. All I know is, I am tired of a drunk coming to bed, a drunk wanting to analyze how I feel about him (more than happy to discuss it sober, but he isn’t interested then), tired of conversations that he doesn’t remember. Just tired. I am no longer engaging with him when he is drunk, and I am going to start doing the things I stopped doing years ago when most my time was spent monitoring him, covering for him, you know the drill. Not sure what the future will bring, but I appreciate sites like this that let me know I am not alone. Thanks everyone, for sharing your stories.

  269. Mel on July 28th, 2011 2:07 am

    I love my husband but….

    I dated my husband for over 2 years and we used to occaisionally go out for a drink, no big deal. Well we’ve been married for 6 months and finally got to move in together this month, so now I’ve discovered he’s got a problem with alcohol. He tries to get me to drink with him, but he drinks every night. He’ll drink a case or a fifth a night. I’ve tried pouring it out, threatening to leave, crying, talking, therapy, everything except for violence, rehab and actually leaving. I don’t know how this all suddenly sprung up. He’ll ignore me and drink for a few hours, then pass out almost every night, even nights he has to work at 5am. I just don’t know what to do. We’re a young married couple and I feel like leaving would just be giving up.

  270. Laurie on July 30th, 2011 6:06 pm

    An alcoholic is a waste of time. As long as they are drinking, there is nothing redeeming about them. My advice: Leave. Find a good lawyer and know what your rights are. If he’s violent, get a restraining order, a big dog and a gun if you have to (legally of course). Staying with a drunk only gives them license to continue their destructive behavior. I dumped my drunk boyfriend after I found out 8 months into the relationship that he had 4 DUIs in less than 10 years, the last one while he was with me (I was not in the car with him when the last one happened.) He paid lip service to getting better. He will never get better. Alcoholism is very much ingrained in him genetically and environmentally. To be sick all his life is HIS choice. Mine is to enjoy my own company and find a real man who doesn’t act like he lives in the sewer.

  271. Julie on July 31st, 2011 10:36 pm

    I am really frightened. I am thinking about leaving my husband, but he is a really good man and I am afraid he will drink himself to death or hurt himself if I do. Could I live with myself if this happened? I worry about him but being married to him is not pleasant anymorel. When he’s not working he’s in a bar or starts drinking as soon as he gets home. He “goes to sleep very early” – actually I think he just passes out. His business is going to hell in a hand basket. I have told him all along that if he is still drinking when our daughter graduates and goes to college, then our marriage is over. She leaves for college next month. I know I’m at the proverbial fork in the road, finding the courage to follow-through is another story. Anyone out there relate?

  272. msj on August 5th, 2011 8:41 pm

    I HAVE BEEN WITH A ALCOHOLIC FOR TWO YEARS NOW I AM ABOUT TO LEAVE HIM AS I SPEAK WHY BECAUSE I CANT KEEP TAKING MENTAL ABUSE FOM HIM IN FRONT OF MY KIDS AROUND COMPANY OUT IN PUPLIC ETC.THANK GOD WE DONT HAVE ANY CHILDREN READING YOU ALLS POST REALLY HELP ME PUSH HARDER I REALIZE THAT THINGS ARE NOT GONNA

  273. catherine on August 6th, 2011 2:15 am

    I am sitting here tonight reading through these posts and feel amongst friends. So I can say what I really feel.

    My husband of 17 years is a raging alcoholic and has spent all our money from 3 IPOs. He still works and finagles (sp?) his way around but I see he has lost the edge and knows it. He criticizes my every move – my cooking, my writing, my painting… the laundry is full of mildew, I am fat, I do not understand politics…the list is endless as it is bizarre.

    We do not have children, I so wanted this but knew from past experience- wrong to bring a child into a world of lies, deceit and betrayal. He did not want children, but would want them when I decided – no. At 40, he blamed me for not having them saying I was the problem. He would tell his beer buddies this so they would think he was the healthy, normal one. I was defective. This was not true of course, but being so popular and so nice and giving money to everyone – he was “right” because they all liked him more and they al had so much to gain from him.

    We have lost every one of our “couple friends”. At one dinner with many couples, he called me “bitch-wh–re” because I refused to buy 3 bottles of Dom P Champagne which we could not afford. It was at this time I understood the saying ..”your blood runs cold”. It really does and it is a very frightening thing. Your mind cannot work fast enough to control the damage this causes. It is done. No turning back.

    He has threatened suicide and tells me so often he will die soon. He drinks every night at the bars with his bar friends where they tell him what he wants to hear. The nights we had dinner together, he would arrive drunk and slur his words and talk about nothing I would remember. he would embarrass me and not order food, telling me after the waitress left after taking my order, that he would never eat here. He pees in my garden every chance he gets before he passes out ususally after breaking something he cannot afford to fix.

    He said one night that there is no money, you will sell your horse and probably kill yourself. A knife throught the heart. I could feel the pain- seriously, I know what it would feel like to have a knife slammed into your heart and just before your eyes would widen in shock at the whole thing.

    I am so surprised that I do not break. I have cried, prayed, walked in the rain, and stood at the gravesite of my brother asking for guidance. But, I know in my hear, that will not break, that my time here is done. My purpose here is now going to be self destructive. To me, it is like the time I quit smoking. I told myself – Okay fine, smoke, but know that if you do, because of what you know, you are truly a stupid person. I quit, as I could not live with that.

    He has told me that he cannot do the things he does without me – I think this may be true because I am the dirt, the ground, the earth of this madman who flies so high.

    There is a time to stay and I have done this. There is a time to feel the pain and – well okay, I have done this as well. I have asked, begged, pleaded and negotiated to all four corners of my soul with this man who once was my soul mate, my best friend. He of the blue eyes and sunny smile and almost childlike wonder at the world as it got bigger and bigger for him every day. We have come such a long way and now I know it is time to leave. I am so much stronger, but so fearful of believing so much in someone else that maybe I might transfer that belief to where it really belongs. I am at the point where I want to believe what he tells me everynight- that he would be so much better without me. The only demon I will have are his words in the morning – I can’t do this without you.

    The cruelty of this disease, which to me is incurable, is that it is the perfect environment for hope to grow and time to pass. And at the end of twenty years or so, you have this beautiful tree of hope which the alcoholic will just chop down for the sheer rush of supreme pleasure at being in control at all cost. And he will wait until this tree is big. He has the time.
    c2011

  274. Drunks Wife on August 6th, 2011 11:41 pm

    To All,

    I completely understand where each of you are coming from. I have been with my husband for 11 years and married for 7. We have two beautiful daughters than love their dad and I honestly think that is changing every day. My dad was a drunk and left when I was three months old. I don’t want my children to not have their dad but I don’t feel safe with him taking them to another place to visit because here I can control there safety, somewhere else I can’t. I know I am strong enough to leave, I know that I will figure out a way to pay all my bills… What I don’t know is how to accept the fact that I will have to share my kids and not know if they are safe. Don’t get me wrong, he loves his kids and would never hurt them on purpose but when he is drinking he is someone else. He blacks out and doesn’t remember what he says or what he does. He also has over come an addiction to Crank about 12 years ago but seems to drink beer to make up for it. He also takes Norco pills for a back injury that I am not entirely sure is still there.

    How do you leave and know that your kids will be okay?

  275. A on August 8th, 2011 9:12 am

    I’m at peace leaving my alcoholic husband. There have been consequences, but not nearly as bad as raising my children in a house of abuse, and when there is an alcoholic, there is abuse of many different forms. It doesn’t have to be physical.
    I dropped my kids off at the airport this weekend, he was drunk. I didn’t know what to do. Not release the kids to him and face the attorneys? (Have I mentioned I am underemployed and the attny fees are bit high)? He wasn’t flying the plane and he wasn’t going to be driving at their final destination. So not worried about their safety THIS time. But what are the legal issues associated with the visitation exchange if one parent has a very strong alcohol smell on their breath?

  276. Janis on August 8th, 2011 4:14 pm

    I have been with my husband for more than half my life….
    We met when I had just turned 17. He was 23. Of course, he could drink leagally. I never was much of a drinker. I was adpoted from an abusive alcolic parent along with my brother. I never wanted to become my mother, so I never drank alot. My brother drank, did drugs and has been in prison for most of his adult life, that alone was motovation not to drink. So, I knew my husband drank when we met…but i was young and in love. After 9 yrs off dating and always just putting up with the life I choose to move out of my parents house for, I got preg & married him. Well, 14 years and 3 children total…I am still putting up with the life i choose, 20 + yrs ago. I am emotionally drained. I have put everything inside of me…all of this rage…and I can’t seem to hold it in amymore. I see him drink, after I have begged and pleaded with him not to….n it tears me up inside. I am so angry at myself for putting up with this all of these yrs. I feel my level of patience with my children is so low.

  277. Marissa on August 11th, 2011 1:20 pm

    My husband is in early recovery, going to meetings every day and seems to really be working a program. He’s had two slips in 8 months and each time didn’t let it turn into a true relapse. Problem is, every day i’m scared. I have this burning fear in the pit of my stomach. I love him. He’s a great man. He’s hard working, loving and a wonderful father to our two little boys. I’m hoping he’s really committed and this will be the beginning of a great journey but the fear is paralyzing and I don’t know how to get past it.

  278. Carrie on August 12th, 2011 5:18 pm

    I’ve been married to an alcoholic husband for the past 10 years, together for 14. Of course, he never accepted that he was an alcoholic – no, it was my fault that he drank himself into a stupor most nights and then started taunting, intimidating, name-calling, sexually pestering…….. We have two beautiful children who don’t deserve this in their lives. 18 months ago I filed for divorce – I hoped that the shock of me actually going through with my threats would jolt him into sobriety but, unfortunately, he chose the bottle over his family. We sold our lovely house and the divorce was finalised a couple of weeks ago. I feel sad, really sad that he couldn’t put his wife and children before his addicition.

  279. Angie on August 13th, 2011 1:17 pm

    It is amazing to me how many woman share much of the same experiences because of an alcoholic in their life. Thankfully, I am not married to my alcoholic, but I am deeply in love with him. We do not live together but I am still very tied to him emotionally. I grew up in an alcoholic home and my father drank and my Mom raised my brother and I to be responsible good adults. But, I have never seen anyone drink like that man I have been dating – ever! I have seen him drink an entire 5th of liqueur along with a case of 12 beers in a day, over and over again. I have had repeated discussions with him and have heard so many promises that he would quit drinking because he loved me. He drinks so much that he wets himself, talks crazy in his sleep and has recently become abusive and violent in my presence. That was when I made the decision to end the relationship.

    Even after ending the relationship, he has made promises to get help and to stop or slow down the drinking and each time has broken the promise. At first he admitted that he had a problem, then he started to turn the problem around on me. He has even gone as far to say that I do not love him and am crazy and suicidal.

    After reading story after story on multiple sites, my hope for his recovery has diminished to almost nothing. I know that through God all things are possible and I have been very clear with him that I will not be around him when he drinks any longer.

    Funny thing is that even after establishing very clear boundaries with him he lied, said he wouldn’t drink, asked me to spend the day with him. And after not seeing each other for two weeks, he broke his promise and brought liqueur to my house and got smashed and refused to leave when I asked him to.

    I feel very sad because I still feel love in my heart for him. But I know that I cannot continue to be emotionally abused and watch him destroy himself. And all the while, he tells me this is my fault. Even though I know I have faults and am not perfect, how is this my fault? I ended the relationship because I couldn’t tolerate his abuse and drinking. Isn’t that the right thing to do???

  280. Kris on August 16th, 2011 3:44 pm

    I have been married for 24+ years my husband is an alcholic he has quit several times. I love my husband but I feel like I am in this marrage alone. I can not rely on him for anything because he drinks EVERY night. I can not talk to him about anything, He thinks eveything is just fine but I feel like I am loosing my mind. I worry all the time that he is going to get a DUI or hurt someone. When he drinks he is either really nice or so mean, verberally mean. We used to spend time together and do things now all he wants to do is drink when we go anywhere his drinking ruins everything so I stoppped going anywhere with him. I want my husband back the man I fell in love with, my best friend. I am lost with out him. What do I do? I have lost so much this year my dad passed away. I lost my step mom who was my best friend to cancer 5 years ago and I am just not ready to loose my husband. I keep hoping that it will change that he will stop drinking and be the person he use to be. I dont want to be this person I am becoming. I am sad, angery and worried all the time. I used to be happy all the time I want that life back!!

  281. Tamara on August 17th, 2011 6:51 pm

    I have been with my alcoholic for 18 years. Married for 13. We were supposed tobe married 3 years into the relationship but could not afford a wedding due to his drinking. We had our first child a year after our “planned wedding date”. Because of his drinking we went through me leaving and then ALWAYS taking him back with promises of sobriety. I was expecting our second child and decided that I would rather be a single mother than to put up with the soberness for a week to a couple of months and than the drinking AGAIN. I left him and he walked himself to a detox and than rehab that he was in for almost two months. Once I saw him maked that commitment to get sober I took him back and we got married a month after our son was born. He was sober for eight really good years, I cannot say great because I still delt with such negativity I think the term is “a dry drunk”. I was willing to put up with his moods for a lot of reasons; to keep our family together, because I loved him and “at least he was not drinking”. We bought a house and decided to have another child. Well….he decided to start drinking during my pregancy. I CANNOT tell you how heart broken, disappointed, hurt, lost, let down just to name a few emotions -I was. It has been almost five years now that I have been going through the alcohol roller coaster again. I am ready to leave but I DO NOT know where to start. Financially I feel my hands are tied but I know there has to be some help out there. He will not leave our home and I cannot afford to leave…. short of going to a shelter. Even though I now realize that a lot of women are going through this I have never felt so alone.

  282. kaz on August 18th, 2011 7:18 am

    I really need some sound advice .I met my husband 14 years ago and we got married 10 years ago i already had 3 children and my husband was a wonderful stepdad to them all and they all loved him. We also have a 10 year old daughter of our own . Up till 2 and a half years ago i considered myself extremely lucky to have such a loving husband then my father died suddenly after a very short illness it knocked me for 6 . 7 weeks to the day later myself and my eldest and youngest daughters were involved in a car crash the elder child having to be cut out of the vehicle. I was shocked that my hubby didnt really give us any encouring words or sympathy instead he seemed to be turning more and more to the cider. Then 11 months later my husband was made redundant he wasted over £3000 on alcohol and because i was unable to work due to post traumatic stress disorder the only income we had was job seekers allownace this is when things got worse he started spending bill and food money on drink he started stealing form my purse and then he resorted to hiding vodka and empty cider cans around the house i threw him out 3 times form jan this year and eventually threw him out in April he came back to the house early hours of the morning and broke in smashing a glass window etc he was arrested as he was abusive towards us and i was reallly frightened of him for the 1st time ever. My husbad got a place in the local homeless selter he was taken to court for criminal damage etc he has been making the pretence of getting help hes even been to AA a few times .On the 6th aug this year his mother mysel my youngest daughter and him went to his brothers wedding blessing. My hubby was so much like the old person we all loved and he said he wanted to sort himself get our marriage back on track etc i really wanted to believe him although my head was teling me otherwise . Saturday last week he even stayed the night and all was good till the next day when he stole from my purse i was so angry hurt etc i think the last 4 and half months was all a lie . But he finally managed to hit the jackpot in the hurt stakes when he listed himself as engaged to another woman on facebook this tuesday he said on facebook he wants a divorce etc and this woman he is with is someone he has despised for years she has just gotten a divorce so has some money and they are both staying in the travel lodge in town. As yet he still hasnt had the decency to phone me or even private message me to actually tell me himsel whats hes done. I want to make him wait for a divorce as i am in no hurry to find another man, his mother brother daughter etc are all terribly upset with his behaviour as we all believed he still loved me and his daughter despite all hes put us through the last 12 months or so and whats suprised me most is the sheer force of feeling i felt i have been completely floored by this and need some advice as to what to do next , thank you

  283. Sarah on August 19th, 2011 6:42 am

    wow what an eye opener. I have learnt much reading these posts and all are the same depressing story. Here is mine. As we speak my partner is off at his mates place drunk and has been since Wednesday night its now Friday when I had to call the cops to remove hime for ranting and threatening me, in front of the kids mind, the f word is in every sentence. This post clarifies to me that it is hard for them to change and you will end up a shell of your former self if you stay, which I am already thanks to the ranting and raving sent my way at least two nights a week till past midnight, often because I am ‘frigid’ in bed, yes we argue in bed, we argue about arguing. He has had a drink problem side he was 15 he is now 39. He goes on benders and get totally messed up or arrested, they last between 2 and 5 days and occur even 4 months or so, In recent time they have been shorter as I always draw all the money out of the bank so he ca’t waste what precious little we have. He holds down an job but will miss days on his benders and it is becoming a bigger issue, he has been in and out of work and doesn’t want much for our family. I am no angel but I no longer engage in his increasingly aggressive arguing. I am prone to depression and I just feel hopeless and burnt out with the lies and empty promises of a better tomorrow, oh and I am not aloud to bring up the stuff from the past because I should trust him and have faith in him. I can’t go away on my own as he will get totally drunk whilst looking after the kids.
    I have stopped calling him on his benders to check if he is ok and refuse to pick him up from anywhere and give him no money. Ladies in the same situation I suggest you do the same don’t leave money or credit cards around and have a stash of ‘run money’ I am pretty sure I am leaving to move interstate with my kids which will be gut wrenching for him but I feel my boys 6 & 4 are having a less than good childhood and I who was once so adventurous, have travelled solo for 4 years backpacking am barely able to make a decision as I just feel depleted, but its my fault according to him and if I was more loving and gave him more attention he wouldn’t drink.
    what do you think leave or stay?? Its hard as you always think you can help more but I just resent him now and can’t stand his immaturity. MY worry is also like so many others that he will wind up dead he has had many alcohol related injuries. May god show me the way out of here and I wish all readers the same and encourage you to read about enabling. Peace, thank god for the net and finding this page I don’t feel so directionless.

  284. Sarah on August 19th, 2011 7:18 am

    a reply to cat chon
    yes if he is a constant pain in the ass and you can never reason or calm down a drunk call the cops, I thought I never would but whenever he kicks off I just ring them and they take him away to the drink tanks which is pretty nasty, they share a cell with some real nuts, makes them think twice for sure. ‘You only get what you put up with”

  285. Brenda on August 19th, 2011 2:25 pm

    I am not married to my alcoholic. My 15 year old daughter and I have been living with him for the past 4 years. He is very emotionally and verbally abusive to me as my daughter watches him. She hates him with every bone in her body. I am 46 and have 2 other children already grown and they are also frustrated for me. I have been a stay home mom my entire life. I was raised with the notion that raising the children and takeing care of the family was my job. This will forever be my down fall. I’ve raised my children differently my oldest daughter graduated from a 4 year university in the top 3 percent of her class my son will graduate from college next year. My 15 year old is in all gate and a.p. classes and understands the importance of her education. Mean while I don’t know what to do at this point. I know I need to leave him but it’s not that simple. I am 46 with high school as my only education. I had 3 operations on my foot, 4 on my knee, both hands, I have now been diagnosed with lupus and the physical pain I live with daily is nothing compared to the emotional abuse I have to put up with. My x alcoholic spent 2 years in rehab and is now on disability. I receive nothing and the state will give me $550 a month to raise my daughter. If anyone can show me how this is possible I’ll gladly do it. I need out of this relationship for me and my daughter. If anyone has any suggestions I am all ears.

  286. Heartbroken on August 20th, 2011 7:05 pm

    I have been married to my alcoholic husband for almost 15 years. I really feel a kinship with all of the others who have shared their stories.
    My husband and I have a 13 yr old and an 11 year old. , the older one knows about dad’s drinking, and is aware of it EVERY time it happens. My oldest child and I have both been in therapy for a couple years now for anxiety (both of us) and depression (me). Thankfully I still see my therapist every month, so just in case my life starts falling apart, the next appointment is never too far away.

    My husband is a binge drinker and can be sober for days or weeks at a time, then he will drink for several days or a week. He misses work, avoids me at all costs, and never drinks in front of me .We only argue if I engage him in an argument. (However, if we do argue, he does say some pretty mean things to me, and I to him as well.) I guess you become hardened after living like this for so long. My husband comes from 2 alcoholic parents who were extremely dysfunctional in their relationship. He says he drinks when he is stressed out. Well lateley here, things have been very stressful and his drinking has hit an almost all time high. I too feel very angry and end up snapping at the kids because I am the one at home keeping things running. I also work full time and will carry a 9 credit hr schedule at the local college in the fall.(I am stressed to the max)

    About a week ago, I caught him chatting online with an old girlfiend at about 4 a.m. he was drunk, but this text/chat session started while he was sober. Not your innocent run of the mill how’ve you been over the last 20 years kind of stuff. Lots of innuendo and ‘wish we could turn back the clock’ kind of stuff. He claims it was fun at the time just to flirt with her, but this is not the only time this has happened. he has been on the verge of cheating on me a couple of times. It seems when he is drinking, he just doesn’t give a f*@k about anything. That more than anything is scary to me.

    He has done intensive outpatient therapy once, and things got much better after that. But things are now back to the way they use to be before that. He says he doesn’t want to lose me, but still doesn’t work any type of program.

    I feel like if I say I am going to leave, then I should really do it. And if I go through all the motions of getting an attorney, a mortgage on my own and think practically about dividing all that is ours ( kids, pets, vacation property), then I really am going to do it. The thing that makes me so sad is that I really love my husband, and I know he really loves me too. When he’s sober he really is my best friend and my greatest supporter, my soul mate. I know that it will take my leaving him to make him get sober. Then we will be divorced, and someone else will get the benefit of sober Bill.

  287. Laura on August 22nd, 2011 1:09 pm

    I kicked the love of my life out of the house this summer. I took his keys from him when he was passed out and then next time he left I had the locks changed. When he came home a few days later, all his belongings where in boxes outside. He was very angry, but then he just moved in with another drunk and kept on drinking. I saw him last week and he looked horrible. He now drinks every day and doesn’t eat. He’s lost weight and his hands shake. I feel terrible. It’s like living in a nightmare. I know it’s not my fault he’s in such bad shape, but I can’t help but feel bad. I cry every day, most of the day. I have to do all the work on our house and gardens myself and it’s too much – not that he helped much in the last year. Everything feels like its falling apart, including me. My life is as ruined as his is, and I didn’t lie, steal, cheat or otherwise hurt anyone.
    I’m going to an Al-anon meeting tonight. I have to get some help.

  288. Barbara on August 24th, 2011 3:01 pm

    Marissa on August 11th, 2011 said what i have been feeling but unable to put in words: “Every day i’m scared. I have this burning fear in the pit of my stomach. I love him. He’s a great man. He’s hard working, loving and a wonderful father to our children….the fear is paralyzing and I don’t know how to get past it.”

    Everyday my husband walks into the house I look for that “look in his eyes” that tells me if he has been drinking. When his eye are wide, happy, and adoring I know he wasn’t drinking. A sense relief sets in, but only for that moment. The next day it starts all over again.

    I grew up with an alcoholic father and it was awful. I worked so hard to make the life I/we created for us and the kids and I was so proud to have overcome the odds. Unfortunately, alcohol has shown up in my life again 3 years ago with a husband that was sober for 23 years. It has taken all that we built away. He was caught (again) by our son this past weekend…the fear has come to a reality that I cannot trust the person I am married too. It is hard to love completely when you don’t trust. I am very close to filing for divorce. As mentioned many times on this blog….LIFE IS TOO SHORT and I deserve more than living in fear. I cannot control the demon that lives within him and he has proven he cannot either.

  289. Ana on August 25th, 2011 9:50 pm

    OMG? I didn’t even think there were others out there in my same situation. I have been married 21 years to an alcoholic, pill head, cocaine addict. He tried the AA programs work for 6 months and we are back on the rollercoaster of HELL. When he is sober he is kind, thoughtful, helps with the housecleaning, cooking etc. We have two sons 20, 16. I feel terrible what I have put them through by staying with him thinking he will change as per his promises. Why cant I leave him? I am so miserable and embarrassed that I live like this. Always in turmoil thinking is today a good day! I love and hate him. It’s like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr Hyde. I want to leave so bad but I am so scared of being alone. Even though I am very lonely. How sad that I feel this way. I want to have the courage to leave him without feeling guilty for doing that to him. Because its always poor him he has a disease he can’t help it. I want to say “Too damn bad but what about me”

  290. Ana on August 25th, 2011 9:53 pm

    It feels good to vent. Since I try to keep this part of my life a secret. always making excuses and I never speak about my relationship.

  291. tonya on August 27th, 2011 7:43 am

    After reading the post here I know what I need to do. Shave been in a 9 month relationship with an alcoholic. I love him and nothing I wouldn’t do for him. There have been times I have been ashamed I was with him because how he was carrying himself. Over the past few months his anger shows with the alcohol. Although he is not physically abusive the verbal abuse gets scary. When I tell him that im scared of him whestartsdrinking he tells me I just need to relax. Whe we have a disagreement while he is on alcohol he always manages to blame me. I reached a point that whenever I was at his place and he began drinking I would go home. The last time I did it he said it was over because I kept walking out on him. I just wanted my point and fears to be heard.

    Prior to meeting me he was dealing with two DUI charges. He was honest and told me so I figured I would try. All is said and done and he is required to do AA meetings three times a week for one year. He went two weeks and has not gone back. He doesn’t even care that he is in violation of parole.

    I love him dearly but can’t get him to acknowledge the problem without saying I have a problem with it not him. I come from a family of alcoholics and made sure severe to have a drinking problem. He blames my fears ob my past experience and not him.

    I love him but need to walk away but its so hard because I know he needs help.

  292. Black Irish on August 28th, 2011 12:13 pm

    I don’t know where to turn, I love my partner, but her drinking has cost us so much in money, loss of car, very innaprpriate behavior around my daughters, verbal abusive, and finally hitting me…all this during drinking, but when she doesn’t she is so sweet…I want her to change, but, it sounds ridiculous as I am 6 1, 210 pound athlete, but I am actually afraid of her when I fall asleep…finically she has nearly Broken us, and I can’t find a way out…

    Sleepless in Vancouver

  293. lori on August 30th, 2011 8:02 pm

    My husband showed up to my work drunk and high. I was so embarrased. To make matters worse, I was talking to a fellow employee about the problems we’ve been having and he shows up fucked up as proof. I realize that I don’t enjoy anything anymore. Could it be that I’m depressed? I feel like I don’t have any friends anymore because he doesn’t approve of them. He even told me that my co-workers are losers and that I need to find a better job. He said the same thing at my last job. He loves to insult my intelligence and make me feel worthless. I feel like I’m dying inside and I don’t know how to get out of this hell. We have two children together and we’re in debt to our eyeballs so I can’t afford an attorney. I’m just stuck :(

  294. Kris on August 30th, 2011 9:31 pm

    My husband of 21 yrs began a slow journey towards relapse by giving up AA, feeling that he was cured, sneaking drinks here and there, sinking into old attitudes and patterns. He has been unemployed this past summer but was starting a new job in Sept. August was a fninancially tought month to get through and our anxiety was running high. He relapsed two weeks ago after blowing up about a financial question I asked. He went on a two day drinking binge during which time he threatened suicide many times, became verbally abusive and threatened physical abuse. He drove drunk and stayed inebriated until he no longer had money. I moved out and took my two children with me. He is now sorry and back in therapy, getting a psych eval and going to AA meetings. I have learned so much in al-anon that I am not being affected a whole lot by his behaviros with the exception of his suicide threats. My family is furious and they want me to leave him permanently. They feel he will never change. Fact is that I love him and want to stay married if possible. For now, he has agreed to move out of the house and he says he continue his plans for recovery. My family wants him to prove he means it this time as they see that he does not value his family. They caught my attention by telling me that I am endangering my children by staying with him. They tell me he will not change if I do not stay separated from him as the consequence of his choices. I realize his relapse was awful and I can see the safety issues. I guess I am confused because this is going to be a life long recovery….and they want to KNOW he is better before I would go back. I am confused. I do not want to sacrifice my children’s well being.

  295. Angela on September 1st, 2011 10:26 am

    Wow, all of these stories are hitting home big time, except that I am in a very unusual situation. I married my husband this past January. So it has only been 7 months. But I have finally decided that I have to get out now!! My husband is a ‘functional alcoholic’, as some say. What’s so different about my situation is that I am the bread winner. I have a bachelor of science degree in electrical engineering and have been making the majority of the money for us and paying most of the bills. Unfortunately, he was laid off from his job (so he says) a month after we got married. And then I was laid off in May, buy only for a month and a half. He just got a temporary job after being on unemployment for 6 months. We have come so close to losing the house, which is in his name only. We still may go thru a foreclosure.

    So anyway… things have been rough throughout our whole 7-month marriage. But I realized there was a problem on our wedding night when he passed out drunk on the hotel bed. And he had to drink a fifth of vodka, or the equivalent, every day on our honeymoon. I have confronted him several times about his drinking and how its affecting our marriage, but it just doesn’t sink in at all. His father was also an alcoholic and died at age 52. So unfortunately, he is definitely already predestined to being an alcoholic from his family genes, although he doesn’t see it. So he started hiding his drinking and I find empty bottles all over the house. I truly believe he has to drink a whole 750ml bottle of vodka just to function and feel ‘normal’. But his bad temper combined with the alcohol makes me feel scared and uncomfortable. I have tried to let him know about my feelings, but it always turns into a fight and he just turns everything back around on me, blaming me for everything.

    I have been planning to leave for quite awhile now, but with him being unemployed, I just have felt horrible leaving him like this. and his mom thinks I’m an answered prayer for her son. I guess she was thinking that I could ‘fix’ him, but obviously he has to fix himself. Nobody can do that but himself. I started seeing a counselor and even invited my husband to come on several occasions, but he refuses. To add to all this stress, he lost one of his dogs a couple weeks ago from cancer. And then, just this past weekend, his aunt passed away. He and his whole family are completely torn over this. My husband is only a year younger than her and they were so close growing up. I just went to the funeral with him yesterday, and I feel horrible for his family’s loss. But honestly, I just can’t take living in this environment any longer!! He has been drinking so much lately and gets so belligerent and repeats things. And his temper is awful. I have been living in fear and discomfort in the bedroom with the door closed every night since I can remember. He has hardly ever wanted to sleep in the bed with me and I can’t remember the last time we were intimate… most likely due to the excessive alcohol in his system. And as far as all of these horrible things happening in his life, I can’t help it, right? I mean, there will never be a ‘right’ time to leave. Thank God I have my family nearby and 100% supportive of me. So I’m planning on leaving tomorrow. Honestly, I am more scared of his mom’s reaction than his. She has already thrown our ‘wedding vows’ in my face, but honestly, he broke those vows awhile back when he chose vodka over me!! It’s ruining every aspect of our marriage and I can now see that it will never get better until he gets some major help!!

  296. Sheila on September 2nd, 2011 10:53 am

    I’ve been married to my alcoholic husband for one year. We met 6 months before that. I saw the red flags, but ignored them, I guess. He is a good man, makes a good living, but is an addict. This is the 3rd marriage for both of us. We both have grown children. He also has a 17 yr. old daughter who lives with us.
    He drinks every night(vodka). Sometimes I can tell it’s going to be bad when he has that 1 extra drink. He acts crazy! He takes things out of the fridge, talks to himself, can be verbally abusive to me. The last time it happened, I just wanted to go to sleep after 5 hrs. of craziness. I went back to the bedroom and locked the door. He busted it open. I was a little scared, but didn’t leave.
    He also takes suboxone…I just found this out recently. He was a heroin addict years ago…now he’s addicted to the pills.
    We just went to AZ because my dad died and he took some of my mom’s pills(she’s on alot of pain meds.). My daughter said they were missing and we guessed he took them. I asked him and of course he denied and was furious that I thought he might do that.
    I have been contemplating leaving for a couple of months. I love him, but life is short, and I’m getting worn down. I started seeing a therapist and go to Al-anon meetings.
    I’m glad to find a site like this. I feel less alone going through this.

  297. Lucy on September 3rd, 2011 7:48 am

    I need help urgently. I have been with my boyfriend, who is now my partner for 7 years. We have been living together for 2 years and he is giving me a hard time.

    He became an alcoholic a couple of years after we started our relationship. But he was fine at the begining, and changed because of some friends who would do nothing else than drink.
    We moved to a different country and he doesn’t see those friends anymore, but never abandoned the drinking habits.

    It’s been 2 years since we left, and he got much better and tried to drink less, but it just doesn’t work like that. Once he has the first glass he can’t stop and keep pushing friends and even me to drink more. I realised that he was the bad influence on his friends, not otherwise.

    His financial situation is good, allowing him to have a good life without work and that makes things worse as he has no responsabilities and is not willing to have any…

    I have to say he can be a lovely man when he is sober. I never met a more gentleman, polite, intelligent and good heart man than him. However, when he drinks he becomes a different person. He embarrasses me with inappropriate comments amongst friends, becomes rude towards me and short tempered. And end up blaming his drinking on me.

    I know the reason why he started drinking. He is not a confident person and found his confidence on alcohol. Unfortunately, he refuses to get help as he doesn’t believe he has a drinking problem and it is all in my mind. I can only imagine he forgets everything, blacks out, but I do have all memories on the next day after his drinking episodes.

    My patience is long gone and I became depressed and angered, but still unable to leave him. I even had thoughts of hurting myself, and that makes me ashamed as It is not my fault he is destroying himself.

    Knowing that there are so many like me makes me feel stronger. Please keep writing, I need support to leave him. I can’t make it alone…

  298. Lori Janson on September 4th, 2011 8:46 am

    I just left my alcoholic husband 2 weeks ago. He had started out as a party guy drinking with his friends all the time. He has 2 DUI’s so now he drinks at home. Recently he has been drinking 1 pint of whiskey every other day and 6-8 beers. He says that he can quit on his own but I don’t belive that . He was hiding the whiskey. I knew something was up because he was drunk every night. We went on vacation and I found it hidden in his suitcase. He also passed out 4 nights on vacation to the point that I thought he might be dead. He also makes very weird noises when he passes out. We have been together 30 years and it is extremely hard because I left the house.(he did not feel the need to leave). I’ m busy with my job but it still is lonely. When do you stop worrrying about them? I have stopped back at the house several mornings to pick things upand it is weird I can almost tell by his voice if he has been drinking the night before.

  299. Nirmala on September 11th, 2011 1:04 am

    I hate my husband, he was an abusive alcoholic for a long time. But now he is an alcoholic that is very selfish. He can still become abusive if I ask him why he comes home late. We live in a small house and it is impossible to sleep till the stupid guy decides to go to bed, that could be anywhere from 10pm to 10 am. Unfortunately i do not work right now. He is making a lot of money, I do not want to leave him now since there is no way he can hold a job if I leave him, and also my daughter just started college and my son will go to college in two years. There is no way he will pay for their college if it is not mandated. I wish he would find somebody and leave the kids and I. But then I don’t see who can fall for this kind of a creature. Alcohol, snoring and everything else makes me sick. My dad had asked me to leave him many years ago, I am now 47 looking at some women with envy for that special relationship that I never had.

  300. Cathy on September 12th, 2011 12:38 am

    I have been married for 5 years-3 years together and 2 apart because the insanity was too much. My kids 17 and 13 hate him, and we can’t spend any time together as a family. He de-compensates easily due to stress, and just dissappears and goes on crack binges. 8 in the past 2 years. I can’t stand it when he is gone on these binges, and he doesn’t tell anyone where he is. It is soo selfish! I love him, and think when he is good, he as perfect! But it comes back every 2-3 weeks that he freaks out and becomes emotionally unstABLE. I don’t think I want to deal with this anymore, I am done with this. I feel guilty if I leave him, I think he would spiral into a great downhill, because he has lost so much, his career, his marriage and everything he values. He struggles so much, and emotionally is a roller coaster. I just don’t feel like our marriage is good for him. I know how difficult it is for me. We can’t even live together, and I really don’t want to move back in together either. So why am I holding on? Am I in a co-dependant state? I don’t think there is really anything worth holding on to anymore, but he is holding on so tight. What should I do????

  301. Nicole on September 12th, 2011 7:15 am

    I have been with this alcoholic for over 2 years. He is a mean alcoholic and things are not getting better but getting worse. We recently moved to Texas with our daughter and his 2 kids. His ex is a druggie, me I am in law enforcement. He expects me to do everything, get the kids ready for school, i work, he does not and he still wants me cleaning and cooking! I am exhausted! He is ungreatful and says I have a bad heart. He constantly is making fun of me, from my looks to my weight. He tells me he doesn’t love me, then he does…he is a liar and not only is he addicted to alcohol but he is addicted to porn. He says his drinking is because of me…typical alcoholic. We are verbally abusive to eachother ( I just got to a point where I could not take it anymore..he left me pregnant to go to prison for a DUI). Since we have been in TX he has broken my stuff, choked me and scratched my face up…tonight I have to face my co-workers with a bruise and scratches on my face.
    I have asked him to leave, he won’t. He has it too good to leave, really. I pay for the bills, while he drinks. I feel bad for his 2 kids but I can’t take this misery anymore! He doesn’t stop drinking and I can’t wait for him to work his issues out on his own! Like he says he needs to do.
    Is it wrong for me to buy a ticket for my daughter and I and flee to my parents?

  302. mike on September 17th, 2011 8:03 pm

    All this stuff is about women and alcoholic husbands…when will anyone write something for men with alchoholic wives?

  303. Julie on September 19th, 2011 4:09 pm

    Very good site with many great shares. I want to make a point.

    My husband has been sober 18yrs. now works in Marketing at a treatment center. From the time he received treatment he never included me in his recovery and would not socialize or fellowship with any Married or People with strong long term relationships. Instead he hung with the newly sober men which totally excluded me. I thought with time he would get some balance but now he is not only working a program but totally immersed in treatment of men with addictions.
    He can not talk to outside people or friends because although they are interested in his work they don’t want to listen to it the whole time they are with him. Our children included. He talks in short AA/treatment jargon constantly and refuses to get any one on one counseling.
    Now, 4days before our 25th Wedding Anniversary he states we no longer have a connection and is going to spend even More time in AA and his “recovery”. This is NOT recovery it is Stark Raving sober.
    I attended Alanon for 17years until it became obvious that he was not going to blend his recovery with my by fellowship with any married couples or attend a Alanon function.
    I remember and always counted on the fact that my sponsor would always say “well, how long has he been sober”. The message I always Heard was that as time goes on they Get more Recovery. I never heard that they actually have to work their recovery where the Family also recovers.
    Now at 58yrs and standing by him for the 25yrs he struggled to stay sober and get the “program instead of peace we have more drama and has become Addicted and Obsessed with AA. His behavior and actions are no different now than when he was first in treatment and newly sober. But if you talked to him or saw him in a meeting he is Great and really seems to have it together.
    AA is Not Recovery. They make the decisions how their recovery goes and whether they are working to balance their lives with the outside world.
    AA is About Staying Sober not about recovery unless they work and make the decisions to include his marriage or family.
    Sobriety does not work magic all the time.

  304. Wanda on September 27th, 2011 6:41 pm

    I have been married for almost 7 years and have lived with my alcoholic husband for a total of 9 years. We are older, have no children together. I have been struggling with guilt over the thought of leaving. I feel that I wouldn’t leave him if he had some other disease such as diabetes. I moved out last November and came back in February when he quit drinking. He started back in May. I feel selfish for wanting to be happy. We hardly speak to each other and he spends his evening in the garage drinking until he comes in and goes to sleep. He constantly accuses me of having affairs, not being a good person, not being a good wife. I am seeing a counselor, going to alanon and church. I am searching for the strength I need to walk away and never look back. We all deserve to be happy and live in peace. He always says he has the “right” to drink. I have the right to live a peaceful life.

  305. Eve on October 1st, 2011 10:57 am

    After 9 years and one child I have asked him to leave. He has signed and lease on a new place and I am now a single mom. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and I want to call him and tell him to come home every day. Then I think of all the sleepless nights and horrible things he would say to me. Because of our child he will be in my life for ever. So I need to continue going to al-anon to deal with myself and my issues that I have created from his drinking. I do not know what he does or where he go’s everyday now and he comes to see is kid once a week. I only lives 2mins away. MY HEART BREAKS FOR OUR KID! That is the reason I left I do not want the pattern of marrying an alcoholic to keep repeating its self. I WANT HIM TO COME HOME. I am such an idiot to think anything will be any different from before. I continue to PRAY and hope he will get help and come home to his family. Only time will show its been a month and he is making to effort to get help.

    THIS IS WHAT I NEED HELP WITH:
    I asked he not drink while with our kid and he is still coming to my house and drinking while I am here and in front of our kid.. DO I SAY HE CAN NOT SEE HER AT ALL? Is that fair to her?

  306. L on October 7th, 2011 11:43 am

    I feel so angry so angry I became I person I am not due to struggling with an alocoholic husband. Thank God i am finally divorcing him but I feel so much pain that I let myself become this angry ugly person so upset

  307. L on October 7th, 2011 11:51 am

    I want to be free from this anger this pain because I kept on giving my alcoholic husband a chance all be disapointed each time any advise books, scriptures I can read to start healing

  308. Nicola on October 7th, 2011 1:37 pm

    Well how alike are all our stories ?? My dad died nearly 4 years ago from cirrohsis of the liver as I’m sure u know caused by drink we watched for 8 days the trauma of what alcohol can do to a person seeing somebody die after 8 days on ventilator is excruciatingly painful!!Since this happened my husband has now took my fathers place of being the alcoholic in the family ! The only difference my dad never lied he was straight as they come my husband would tell u the moon is made of cheese if I would believe him !! Our twist to the story though is that we run a pub ! I am more or less tee total probably drinking 3 times a year if that ! People say we should give up our pub it is our livelihood it’s all we have left the irony is I brought our pub from my dad because he was so I’ll I literally put a noose around my own neck !! My situation has got gradually worse over the last 6 months my husband has attempted suicide twice now since February and although I really do want this to end and leave how can I tell my boys there dad has killed himself because I left him ?? I know he is killing himself anyway but should I help by walking out ! Things got so bad yesterday I emptied a full bottle of pills in my mouth and took a Stanley knife to my wrists in front of him asking him what all the fuss was about with the suicide attempts my son ran downstairs snatched the knife out my hand and held me down till he got all the pills out my mouth ! I was never going to really kill myself I don’t think but I really felt like I was broken ! People who know me know I’m as strong as an ox but really feel like my world is crashing down my husband was diagnosed a month ago with korsakoff syndrome but he’s taking it as lightly as it’s a headache I’m not sure how much longer I can keep enduring this situation for me or my boys but hope I get the courage to walk before I finally crack up !!

  309. nicola on October 8th, 2011 5:03 pm

    well finally i realise ‘im not on my own ‘ my story is so like many of yours ! im 34 with 2 boys 15 years and 11 years ! i have been with my husband for 15 years married 18 months !
    my father was an alcoholic who died 3 1/2 years ago from cirrohsis of the liver his death was the most traumatic thing i can ever imagine i will ever have to endure in my life ! even as im writing this tears are running from my eyes !
    6 years ago my parents ran a pub and as i was the oldest and my dad was very ill i was offered the oppourtunity to buy the pub from my parents ! i did this in the hope it would save my dads life !
    my situation now is my father has passed away and now my husband is a worse alcoholic than my father ever could be the only difference my father was violent on most occasions where as my husband wouldnt hurt a fly physically !!!!
    since my fathers death my husbands drinking has increased dramatically and in the last year it has sent me to breaking point ! obviously the reason i am visiting this site is probably the same as many more of you ‘ trying to find the answer we all want and need ‘my husband has had 4 detoxes costing £3500 each time in the las12 months my husband has tried to commit suicide twice the 2nd being only last week he has been in hospital many times with drink related illnesses from pancreatitis to withdrawals , hes had fits blackouts !

    last week he took my car approx 30 miles away swallowed 72 tablets and drank a litre of vodka ! when the police found him he was unconcious ! he was rescussitated and taken to hospital ! this came after being in hospital for almost 2 weeks after locking himself in the pub we run and having a very serious fall ! he cut open his head loosing 3 pints of blood was bruised so badly the hospital called me to see if he had been in a car accident as the injuries sustained were consistent with a car crash ! he was sectioned under the mental health act in hospital due to becoming violent towards staff something he had never ever done !
    He discharged himself from hospital and nearly ran my boys over in our car cause they were trying to stop him from driving my last 3 months have been sheer hell !!!
    As things are at the minute i feel my marriage is over as strong a person as i am i feel like i am cracking under the pressure i cry daily and my head feels like its going to explode even though i still have a glimmer of hope that things will get bk to how they were 4 years ago ! i hate living every day not knowing if todays the day he will finally kill himself or if its the day he will stop drinking why do they do this to them selves ?
    and as for me my husband has witnessed first hand the consequences of what drink does to themselves and the family around them !!
    My gut feeling is that my husband wont see my next birthday which is June next year
    if there is anybody out there who does have the answer or the cure please post to give us all hope !!!!!

  310. Jess on October 11th, 2011 11:20 am

    I don’t know whether to really say my husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been together 5 years, married 3 in December. Over the past 2 years we’ve been out drinking many times together and with our friends. Halloween of 09 we had a party and he was drinking beer and got into some liquor, i was doing my own thing with my friends and not paying any attention to him. Well the next day we were told my husband spent all night all over my best friend. That’s the most information I got. I don’t even know what that means. Sorrys were said, all was well again. April 10 we went to a retro party with the same best friend, her husband and another couple. I had been fed shots all night and don’t remember much of what happened. This past friday night we had a big bonfire at my house for my birthday. He was drinking beer and liquor again and I look up once and he’s all over my best friend again. I intervene, taking her side, told him to get away because I could see that he was drunk. The next morning my best friend tells me that he kept trying to kiss her while we were outside and he came into our bedroom during the night while I was asleep trying to pull her pants down (he was sleeping on the couch, her in the bed with me because she couldn’t drive home). He swears he doesn’t remember any of it. THEN I find out that they kissed at the retro party in April 10. How am I supposed to react to this?! She acts like she’s the victim and to an extent she is, but how to I even fix this situation with mine and his relationship and mine and hers? There’s been 2 other occurences this past year where he’s gotten drunk, came home and went to bed, then later woke up doing strange things, even left the house because he was mad, and walked 3 miles. He even claims he doesn’t remember anything about us being in a fight or why he left at all. Is this common in drunks? Can you completely black out and be a completely different person that you can’t remember a solid thing you did? When this man doesn’t drink he is a complete angel. My family loves him and so do I. He will do anything in the world for me, most of the time without me even asking. This drinking thing doesn’t happen all the time. He doesn’t drink daily, or the drunken nights doesn’t even happy on a normal occurence. After Friday he said he’s done drinking for good that it concerns him that he can’t remember things, awful things, he’s done and he doesn’t want to lose me over it. I feel sick and just ache all over, I don’t want to talk to him or my best friend and I don’t want to talk to my family or tell all of my other friends because I don’t want the situation spread all over our little town. I’m hurt so bad and now my friend acts like she’s the one that needs consoling. I have so many emotions inside me right now, I don’t know whether to scream or cry or tear something apart.

  311. Julie on October 11th, 2011 3:21 pm

    This is the hardest thing I have ever done, I re met my first love after 35 years. He had had an awfult time and had concured some awful addictions. The one he kept and loves is drinking… His dad died from drink and other members of his famiky have the same problem. I love him desperatley and he has become well getting a job and earning, after 12 months of being very menatlly ill.
    It is my house we live in so its not that I can leave and then I tell him to leave. He now says he will go as he just wants to drink and have a quiet life without my constrant nagging. He says he doesn’t want to stop drinking and its his funeral.
    I am so fed up of crying and worrying about him drinking, driving etc etc. I am due to be a grandmother in December and don’t feel like I can trust him with the baby. Please give me some ideas I know he will drink himself to death and he may well go so he can drink but I feel awful that without my nagging he will just drink more and die I am desperate….

  312. marie on October 12th, 2011 2:12 am

    My husband has been abusing alcohol for over a year now. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. In the past few weeks, he has started drinking early in the morning, and continues drinking all day.
    He stopped drinking for about a month this past June. I thought he was going to die. He couldn’t eat. He threw up when he tried to eat. His hands shook so, he couldn’t write. Now he does not remember this. He claims that it never occurred and I am lying. In fact, he has no short term memory at all. He can not remember conversations after 10 minutes. I am so tired of repeating the same thing over and over to him everyday. I am so tired of hearing him tell me the same thing over and over again.
    We are both retired. We worked long hours to pay off all of our debts so that we could retire comfortably. However, this past year has been a living hell. In his drunken stupors, I have been emotionally abused. Primarily because I won’t be intimate with him. I do not have these feelings for him anymore because to me he is a stranger. He reeks of alcohol daily. His eyes are red and face bloated, and he just looks frightening to me, not sexually appealing.. He consistently uses obscene language. Every other word is the MF or F words. I can not take this. We are both educated people with degrees. But, I suddenly feel like I am living with gutter trash. He has no respect for me or himself.
    My days consist of him having temper tantrums all day long over anything and everything. Nothing is ever right with him. Although, he no longer does anything around the house, he accuses me of doing nothing. He actually thinks he does it all. He does not even put the garbage out for the collector. I have to take care of the house inside and outside and ensure that all household expenses are cared for. He can’t do any of this.
    I can’t have a conversation with him, because he can not follow it. He is easily confused. He drove a city bus to pay his way through college, and knew this city like the back of his hand. Now he gets lost constantly. In fact, he will call me to say he doesn’t remember where the brakes are located. My fear is that he will injure or kill some innocent person, and we will lose everything. I am so stressed I can’t sleep. I’m miserable when he’s home because he sends out negative vibes all day. I am not allowed to sing, laugh, play music or make any noise at all. Every little bit of noise and he almost goes postal. I walk on eggshells all day. When he leaves, I am really stressed. I wait for a policeman to call me to tell me he has had a car accident and hurt or killed someone. I pray constantly. I cry constantly.
    I can no longer invite my friends over. I am ashamed to face my next door neighbor and friend of of 34 years, because I know she has heard his drunken rages. I am so embarrassed.
    Why don’t I leave?
    I am 70 years old. I am too old to start my life over again and too used to my space to go to a shelter. I don’t think I could bear that. His family, who lives in various states, supports me and are encouraging me to leave. They have also experienced his drunken rages over the telephone.
    I try to feel compassion towards him, because I know he is also suffering from post traumatic stress. He was in Vietnam and has frequent nightmares about the war. i have tried to get him help, but he won’t admit that he needs it.
    I think I read a remark from someone on this site that we women were blaming men for their predicaments when it is us who drove them there. People have choices, and they have to take responsibility for the choices they make. He didn’t have to turn to alcohol. He could have sought out professional help. God knows I’ve tried to get him there. So, please do not blame women. We are already hurting.
    I don’t know what to do. I can not afford to move out of my house that is paid and live in an apartment. The cheapest apartment in a
    decent area is $1900 monthly. That is for a cracker box.
    I never envisioned my last years to end this way. I am at the point where death looks good to me. I am a vibrant, healthy, energetic woman who looks almost half her age; yet, instead of thinking of living, I am embracing dying.

  313. Not Alone on October 15th, 2011 6:17 pm

    Wow! This website is amazing – I see I am not alone. I’ve been ashamed of myself for months for being in a situation I said I would never let happen! I do love him – he is a good man but he drinks and when he drinks he is NOT the person I fell in love with. Sadly, I figured out pretty quickly that he had an issue, then he moved in and that just solidified it for me. And what amazes me is that I said yes when he proposed. I have two kids (14 and 12) from a previous marriage and they don’t respect him as he doesn’t respect them – that is clear. We were supposed to get married a couple weeks ago but I told him that so much has happened this year that we should postpone it a few months – yeah, a lot has happened over the last 6 months but that isn’t really why I moved the date. I have doubts – huge doubts. I know that those doubts are enough to end it. If my friends or family told me their partner was like mine I would tell them to run and not look back so I don’t know why I am struggling with ending this. I know all the reasons are lame but they keep going through my mind – he has nothing, he has nowhere to go, I don’t want to hurt him. He says it’s not surprising he drinks when my kids are the way they are, he does next to nothing in the house, he is verbally/mentally abusive – his comments can come out of nowhere! He works though pays no household bills period. For over a year (we’ve been together 2) I have told him he has to get help or it’s over. He finally started AA and went once then a few months later we talked about it again so he started going and went for a couple weeks. He did good those two weeks but then after a week of not going he drank for a couple days – he told me he would fix that and has gone to one meeting since (that was a week ago). He knows he has a problem but he seems to justify it buy saying he’s not in a gutter, he’s working, blah, blah, blah. My father was an alcoholic and I have always maintained that I would not put myself in that situation – it took my mom years to leave him but she did. Why am I struggling so much with this?

  314. Bettina on October 16th, 2011 8:07 pm

    After enduring the crap for nearly 16 years I kicked him out. Then it took one night out to the movies and a trip to McDonalds with my kids to realise that the stress and anxiety that was always present whenever he was around, was actually missing! I felt relaxed after this event on the drive home, and I realised that normally I would be cranky, anxious and disappointed that he would ruin these sorts of outings with his behaviour.
    You don’t realise how bad it is until it’s not there anymore. I am doing so much better without him and even though I am now on a single parent pension for the moment (but I have now done a small business course and am successfully establishing a cake decorating business), we actually have money left over at the end of the week and all bills are being paid! Makes me wonder just how much he was spending on grog (alcohol for those who live outside Australia)!
    I don’t regret kicking him out after all he put us through, and he shows no remorse on the odd occasion that I see him. I am a registered nurse and should have known better, but I had hope. Ridiculous hope that it would get better. I gave him ample opportunities to prove himself and he chose to continue drinking and being verbally abusive, secretive and manipulative.
    He’s lost his best friend, his home, his kids and friends. Hopefully he will hit rock bottom and get his act together; or it will kill him.
    The only person I can change is me, and I choose not to watch him self destruct and take us with him.
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it’s the one that I lit. NOW that is hope!

  315. Wanda on October 18th, 2011 6:51 pm

    Tomorrow is the day I leave my alcoholic husband. After 9 years I realize I cannot help, cure or change him. I am moving forward and will focus my attention, love and support on myself and on family and friends who have stood beside me through this living hell. This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my entire life. I have faith that I am doing the right thing and that this to shall pass.

  316. Jazzy on October 19th, 2011 10:20 pm

    My dad is a very bad alcoholic. He goes on binges from anywhere between 2-3 weeks strait. When he’s on these my little brother and I (7 & 16) many times come home to him passed out on the ground outside or by the stairs. My dad has gotten 3.. Maybe 4, I don’t keep track anymore, DUI’s. At times with me in the car and does not have a license either. My older siblings don’t even like to come home anymore cuz he’s either drunk, or verbally mean. He’s a big fan of the silent treatment too, it probably shouldn’t bother me but it does. He’s gone to rehab several times and has failed every single time. My mom and him have been married for over 25 years and it’s never been like this. Another thing I’ve learned is he has been cheating on her since I was born, he continues to do so but my mom doesn’t know about the recent attempts he has made. I just wish for my mom to leave him but she can’t get herself to? I don’t understand, I’ve been ready to leave for about 4 years now. Whenever he quits binging for 2 weeks he acts like everything is fine. Please help me try to figure out how to get my mom to leave? She’s scared he’ll try to take my brother cuz he can be so mean with words. I’m tired of his games and can’t put up with this anymore. What should I do? :( my heart is so broken.

    -Jazzy, 16.

  317. marie on October 19th, 2011 11:19 pm

    I feel the same as Nimala. I hate my alcoholic husband and truly wishes he would find someone else and leave. Nimala, I think there are desperate women out there who will even take an alcoholic.
    My situation is getting worse. He has tantrums all day long about nothing. He thinks everything easy and convenient for him. He is a selfish, inconsiderate pig with no regards for my feelings. I am so tired of him yelling and screaming at me all day everyday. One minute he is sweet as pie and the next minute he is yelling obscenities.
    I thought Julie’s post was very interesting. I guess these alcoholics are indeed obsessive compulsive people. They trade one addiction for another. My husband, who rarely drank at all, gave up smoking and moved to cocaine, traded cocaine for alcohol. But Julie, if my husband traded alcohol for AA, and became obsessed with that and left me., I would be happy. He’s drunk tonight and I lay here praying that he leaves me alone.

  318. MikeLA on December 24th, 2011 4:43 am

    Seems there are a lot of guys doing the abusing….it’s opposite in my situation. I have an older brother who is 49, an alcoholic and amazes me he’s still alive. I hate drunks, I had to deal with him for so long. Married my high school sweetheart, married for 11 years, one child. She leaves me for a coworker. I was blindsided. Dated for a year before meeting my current girlfriend. When she is not drinking we really mesh well. I didn’t realize it was as bad as it is. She can drink the house dry and never get sick. She drinks to the point where she doesn’t remember events or large portions of the night. She always has an excse why she drinks, isn’t receptive to me talking about her drinking program until the next morning where she tells me she is disappointed in herself. She has embarrassed me in front of friends with her language, behavior in front of adults and kids. She will get drunk after I go to bed, be up all night, sometimes I find slightly inappropriate conversations between her and guys on social networking sites. She has told things to my daughter, which my 9 year old tells my ex about. Being honest, we have participated in sex acts with another female or couple which I’m ok with. One night she came home with one of her friends. They were drunk, but I had no idea neither one wouldn’t know I slept with both of them. So now she’s talking about going out with her again. Problem is that neither one seems to have control.. She says I have trust issues because of my failed marriage, But I’d say it’s more. I refuse to buy alcohol and she gets mad and mean. Her 18 year old daughter told me I’m too nice and need to leave her because she is manipulative. I’ve really had my fill and she doesn’t seem to care what I think. I’d guess in 5 years it won’t change and I don’t want my daughter being around a drunk.

  319. B on December 26th, 2011 10:12 pm

    I have left an alcoholic husband. We were married 8 years, and together 15. It has been 4.5 years since our divorce, and we were separated for almost 3 years at the end of our marriage.

    Sometimes i am so sad I don’t know what to do with myself. We first separated because I had found out about an affair he was having with a co-worker, and after he had disappeared with her for a weekend, the entire time he was gone that weekend I thought he was dead in a ditch somewhere and I had never cried so much in my entire life. I pictured my life without this man and it hurt more then anything I could imagine, having met and dated since we were 19 years old. When I found out about the girl he was seeing, I decided I could no longer live like that.

    After he disappeared for that weekend, I was angry, but at the time, in my eyes, he hadn’t done anything that was completely unforgivable, I didn’t know at the time he was with another girl. We tried to work on things, we both went to counseling separately, he tried to do little things to make me happy, working on the yard, cleaning the house, being kind. But he did not stop drinking, and when he drank he was angrier then ever, he was so angry with me for being mad at him for the disappearing act. He had always drank, and he always went out, but he always found a way home, so what he did really had devastated me in a way that I couldn’t really get back, but I was willing to try, despite how he kept me up at nights screaming at me, hitting me, throwing things at me, breaking things, blasting the t.v., music and turning lights on while i tried to sleep at night, and kicking me out of the house, damaging any shred of self worth either of us probably ever had.

    A few months after he had disappeared that weekend, I found out he had been seeing someone from work. That is when I decided to finally give him an ultimatum. I had been asking him to stop drinking for years. It was destructive, it was killing us both. When he claimed to be with this other girl only because he was “drunk, and didn’t know what he was doing,” I said if he wanted to continue to be married, he would have to try to stop drinking, either by seeking treatment, or doing something, making some effort. He refused, so I told him to move out. He moved out for 6 months and continued to drink, we continued counseling, but he wouldn’t even consider getting help with the booze.

    I told him it was over if he wouldn’t get help despite how much i loved him. I thought to myself, what has he not done to me yet? He spends all of our money, he had charged up thousands of dollars on credit cards that I didn’t even know he had, he got drunk enough to pass out almost every single day, he was verbally and sometimes physically abusive when he was drunk. He scared me, I never felt good, or whole or safe.

    I always felt alone, always alone because he was drunk so much of the time. I learned to live an independent life (when I could get out of the house without throwing a fit and trying to keep me from going). I would leave a window unlocked on our lower level because often when I would go to see my mom or my sister for a visit, he would call drunk and tell me if i wasn’t home in 10 minutes, he was locking me out of the house, which he did. I was married but alone.

    I was able to spend a lot of time with my family, our dogs, my friends, but when I look back on it, I realize i was alone so much of the time, it was like I didn’t even have a spouse. Whenever i asked him to come with me to a holiday, etc., he wouldn’t want to go, and if he did go, he would spend the entire time asking what time we were leaving as soon as we got there, or he would get falling down drunk and embarrass us so badly I just didn’t want him to come anymore. I can’t count the number of times I told family he was “working” just so he could sit home and drink instead.

    I couldn’t have anyone at the house because you never knew, would he be passed out in the yard or in the doorway, or would he be screaming, blaring music and fighting with neighbors, or throwing things out the window, breaking stuff in the driveway.
    Sometimes i think the cheating was a blessing because even though I was already living through hell, I am Catholic and don’t believe in divorce, or leaving someone because they have a problem, but the cheating was the final straw for me, I just never thought he would do that, though we had our problems. I didn’t see him the same any longer, he had hurt me in most ways possible.

    I loved him then, and still do with all my heart, and it was because of the affair that we separated, not because of his alcoholism. I didn’t see a way out, but when he cheated, it’s like it gave me a reason to say “ok, it’s time, and it’s ok to leave, it’s really ok.” I feel sick and sad because he’s not just an alcoholic, he’s a handsome, smart, charismatic, kind, generous and amazing man. He’s just consumed by alcohol. I blame myself, for how his drinking has increased since we first separated, he blames me too. “If you wouldn’t have left, I wouldn’t be this far gone as I am now. My life has gone downhill a million percent since you left, it’s your fault.” He always tells me, so he blames me. And I think it is true, that he would not be this far into his alcoholism if it weren’t for me.

    I can picture his smile on our wedding day and remembering it being the happiest day of my life. And he tells me it was the happiest of his too. He drank since I met him, but everyone did, we were 19, 20 and 21 years old, all of our friends went out and drank, I didn’t know. I had no experience with alcohol, i didn’t know that he could drink more then everyone else, I didn’t understand that he wouldn’t quit drinking after we got married. I thought that it was what you did when you were 21, and then when you grew up and got married, you moved onto the adult phase of life, jobs, home, responsibilities. But he didn’t stop. It just got worse and worse.

    We were unable to have children, though we started trying when we were 25. We even sold our tiny home that we loved, to buy a home with extra bedrooms thinking we would be able to have kids. By the time we were 28 we went through fertility and were still unable to conceive, though we tried fertility for 4 long years. It was too much to bear. I was emotionally dead inside, and he continued to drink. During that time, the doctor asked him if he drank and of course he said that he did, she said that it was hurting our chances (as well as his smoking), but he would not cut down, and now of course I realize that he couldn’t, he wasn’t trying to hurt me, he just couldn’t do it.

    When i found out about the affair, I told him to leave. He did for about 6 months into an apartment less then a mile away. We shared custody of our 2 beautiful lab mixes, who we adored beyond belief. they were my soft place to fall, that is for sure. And honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done without my beloved “boys.” The entire time he was gone, he drank. During the day he was kind and sweet when we would communicate by phone while he was at work, he would stop by after work before I came home and bring the garbage out and roll it back in, he would let the boys out, and basically take care of us from afar. I can still remember right before Christmas one year, he wrapped up and left a cd for me that he knew i wanted, and to this day, I can’t listen to those songs without feeling sick inside. But at night, he would sit in his apartment and drink. He would call and threaten me. He would call and harass my family. He would come to the house and fight with me, he ripped the phones out of the walls, threatened me, hit me, choked me, screamed and cried. Another day I woke up to him at 4AM looming over me as I slept, standing there with my cell phone demanding i unlock it so he could see who I had been “calling.” I tried getting it back because I was so afraid, I don’t know of what, I didn’t know but I was always afraid.

    He moved back after the 6 months he was gone, and it was one nightmare after the next. He drank more because we were still “separated,” I moved to another bedroom, and refused to have sex and he considered this not fulfilling my wifely duties, but he would not stop drinking so i refused. I was so angry at him for the pain and heartache he had caused and he just expected me to continue our lives as is even though he had made no changes?? He verbally and physically abused me and scared me so much during those next several months, One late night i woke up to him standing above me, sharpening a big butcher knife. I told him he had to leave or I would have to. He refused so I moved in with friends. I missed him so much and our dogs that I cried in the shower every single morning before work. I went to counseling and the counselor told me 30 days without contact and he then has to show marked progress of no drinking, otherwise there should be consequences. Well I had contact by phone, because I loved and missed him, and loved and missed our boys so much my heart was broken and I was so torn up inside. i would try to come home every day to see the boys and kiss them good night while he was passed out drunk and i would tell them “I’ll come get you when I get a place where I can take dogs.” I told them that for a year and a half, and eventually I would just stay at the house with them off and on, whenever I could, whenever he was gone, or passed out, and I would take them every weekend and have them at my parents house where I could keep them for the whole weekend. It’s where i should’ve been staying all along, but as with so many things, i didn’t want to put them in the middle of my shitty life, I felt too embarrassed and ashamed. One more thing to add to my list of regrets.

    After a few years, we were still at an impass, he would not stop drinking, or being crazy and abusive, he lost his job, he started dating a stripper, he drank more. I filed for divorce. He came to sign the papers and we held hands and told him we didn’t have to do this if he would just try to get help, please. He said that i was trying to take his “best friend” away from him, that friend being alcohol, and that he did love alcohol more then me. I died more inside. We cried and cried and he gave me some of his unemployment check for the house payment and we walked outside and he bought me a bunch of flowers from a sidewalk stand. He said he loved me and I said I loved him. I never wanted it to end. 4 months later, I was on my way to pick up the boys on a bright Saturday November morning, and I had been out the night before at my sister in laws birthday party when i received the phone call that my beautiful yellow lab mix had died, at only 9 years old. I had spent the night before with them and he slept so close to me that night, when I said goodbye to him in the morning, i didn’t know he would be dead 12 hours later. I had hugged and kissed him. I have never been so sad and devastated in my life. It’s now been 4 years going on 5 and I still feel sick to my stomach when I think about how I could’ve been with my dog, but he died without me. He was with his “dad,” and i realize it probably would’ve been worse if i had seen it happen, but i am still so sad. I don’t know when or where or how my life is going to start again. there are so many things i regret, i have so much guilt and sadness and devastation. I miss the love of my life, I miss my beloved dog.

    I now live with my dad, and my other dog who has survived all this time, right alongside me. I am lucky and fortunate I have a place to live and get to have my dog with me to live out his remaining years. My ex lives in our house and has now lost his job again. I help with the house payment and house expenses so i can’t afford my own place, plus it’s hard to find a place that takes pets. It is getting easier, but the heartache never goes away. I married the love of my life, I started with the life I wanted and it turned out in heartbreak. I constantly think about him and hope he is ok, and wonder when I will stop missing him and our home, our dog and our life together. He is no longer really in his right mind, even when sober. I think he has done that to his brain with his drinking. We still talk, but I can no longer watch him kill himself. He’s been to detox 4 times, and outpatient treatment once, but didn’t completed it. At this time, i know he will die of alcoholism, but only God knows where and when. I need to find a way to move on but don’t think I deserve happiness because I had a chance and it didn’t work, i don’t believe you get more chances like that in life. I wish I could help him I wish i could help myself. I have been to more counseling, to group meetings, I am on medication. I don’t know why I can’t get past this.

    I am grateful to have found this site, and grateful to all of you for sharing your stories. I didn’t know there were so many of us out there, i have felt so alone for so long.

    If anyone has the chance to get out, do it sooner rather then later. You may save yourself more heartache then you ever want to imagine. I still love my alcoholic. How long until my heart is free.

  320. Con on December 29th, 2011 12:53 pm

    I have left my alcoholic husband after 15 years. I Lost my house, car, and pretty much everything including my dignity. I had to file bankruptcy, my only way out. Thank God for friends and family that gave me support. But you know what…I am so proud of myself for getting away from him. I don’t feel like I am sitting on pins and needles anymore, I am learning how to relax again. It is the best for both my son and I. Just waiting for them to change or praying for them to change is not going to work!! Run… don’t walk away. Please don’t waste the best parts of your life living with an alcoholic. It only gets worse as time goes on.. They do not mellow with age..

  321. Dennis Reading on December 31st, 2011 3:00 am

    Hi my name is Dennis
    What I would like to comment on is the fact that every time I search on the www. about my problems everything that pops up is, The alcoholic husband, Living with an alcoholic husband, Divorcing an alcoholic husband. Do I have the only alcoholic Wife in the world?

    I have been married for 36 years to this lady and my life is as crappy as all of yours and I have all the same thoughts and feelings. I deal with it best in the summertime when I can disappear for the day on my FJR1300 motorcycle but the winter time is killing me.

    Anyway, enough complaining. She has an appointment on Jan.3,2012 to get help at the St. Leonards society. I sure hope she follows threw with it because she needs something I can’t help her with.

    Just curious…..
    Dennis The Menace

  322. Debbie Dee on December 31st, 2011 10:24 pm

    Yesterday, Scot cornered me in the kitchen with him and the two boys in the room and had what he called an intervention on me. They all agreed that they were concerned about me and said that I wasn’t the same person I was a year ago. They said I was only doing half of what I could be doing to maintain myself with my bipolar disorder. They said that having a psychiatrist and being on meds and going to AL-ANON wasn’t enough. They said they had done some research on the internet and from their conclusion they needed to have an intervention on me to get me to see a psychologist and get my meds changed to something other than Zoloft. They said that I was on Zoloft so long that I was probably immune to its affects.

    After some yelling on my part and combative arguing on their part, I eventually realized that they needed to be reassured that I was willing to do just that and that I had even looked for a psychologist a few months ago and was unsuccessful. So I told them I was willing to do just that, but that they needed to understand one thing. I told them that they needed to understand that there is no cure to what I have and that doing what they asked me to do was not going to fix everything. I also told them that I was not to only one who should seek counseling, that the kids should start going to AL-ANON and that Scot should start going to AA. Patrick said he would never do that and Cameron and Scot remained silent. By the way, Patrick was the one doing all the talking and got down on his knees as if to propose marriage to me and looked up into my eyes and said, “Please, Mom. ” So I said okay.

    Scot then handed me a piece of paper with some name and numbers on it and I then made the calls and set up two appointments with all three of them watching me.

    How humiliating! How wrong! It all doesn’t seem right at all to have me at the other end of an intervention! It should have been Scot! Not Me! Plus, he NEVER should have incorporated the two boys on this. He should have had only adults. Now the kids feel responsible. I did tell them that they each have their own minds and that they should make up their own minds as to whether or not to get counseling themselves. I should tell you that Scot did say during the combative arguing that I was “ripping this family apart”. So I had to tell the boys that was not true. That it takes more than one to keep a family together and it takes more than one to rip a family apart.

    Please tell me I am not crazy for thinking Scot was in the wrong for getting the kids involved in this. I feel as though I am losing grip on reality and have been keeping myself in the basement just to keep my sanity. I hate being in this house. Scot has brainwashed the kids and has control over them. I don’t know what I should do. I have fantasies of leaving him and the kids, but I just know he would fight for full custody of the kids and probably get full custody by using my mental illness against me and the fact that he makes more money than me.

  323. Julie on January 3rd, 2012 7:05 pm

    Now!!! My alcoholic who is Now sober 19years, attends AA 2-3 at least a week, and works at a treatment center working with newly sober alcoholics.
    I attended Alanon for 18years and struggled to put up with his anti social behavior (unless you were a alcoholic) sense of isolation, his non-stop talk about his program, friends, etc. I developed fibromylgia with degenerative disc disease and am not able to work nor keep up with him any longer with the activities he wants to do. So, last June 4days before our 25th Wedding Anniversary he left me.
    The fibro several neurologist have told me was probably brought on by the stress of his active drinking years.
    There is No recovery for these guys unless they want it. It had always been a concern of mine that he wanted nothing to do with Married people in the programs, or ones with somewhat stable relationships. He guys were the ones that had a couple of year sober that had never had a relationship in there lives. I will repeat there is no recovery for these guys. Anyone of them at any point of their lives can go off the deep end due to stress, etc. And I don’t mean just drinking.
    I have a very enlightening article that Every Alanon or person living with a alcoholic needs to know.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44147493/ns/health-addictions/#.TklXIV2DiCg

    I always thought he would grow and mature in the program and in someways he has. Now, although he is 60, he is hanging again with 30-40yr going to group dinners after meetings, and Concerts!! If you were a fly on the wall he is acting just like he did when he was 35 he just isn’t drinking.

    Julie

  324. Dane Crazy on January 13th, 2012 9:23 am

    My husband of 25 years just died of alcoholic poisoning. He damaged his heart, liver, kidneys so badly his body just shut down.
    He tried to remain sober and the longest period he could actually maintain his sobriety was for 14 months back in 2010. However the next time he took a drink it turned into binge for nearly a year. I was already in the process of divorcing him.

    Sober, he was a woderful husband, father, grandfather…..drunk he was a horibble person.

    I’m sad and releaved he is gone and can he no longer hurt himself of anybody else.

    My advise to anybody contemplating leaving and alcoholic- is to run, run as fast as you cav and get away from the addicted monster that will destroy you and everybody else i his path.

  325. Marie on January 13th, 2012 10:00 am

    Diane is correct. Run fast and far away from the alcoholic. He is a monster who only cares for the bottle.
    My husband has been an alcoholic for a year now. I am 71 years old and nowhere to go. He is now in the ranting and raving stage. He wakes up ranting, raving cursing about every little thing. After his morning drink, he laughs at nothing for awhile and then the rage returns. I am constantly accused of things I never said or done. He constantly lies to his friends and family. I no longer have friends because I am ashamed to tell them or invite them to my home. He does nothing around the house anymore. I have to do everything. It has gotten to the point that I am so depressed I can barely get out of bed. I usually pump iron 4 times a week and no longer have the desire to that. He is bringing me down with him. He looks like a homeless person but constantly degrades me because I love to dress up and look nice. It makes me feel good. I don’t look 71 and I wear skinny jeans, boots and nice blazers this time of year. He has said that I dress like a whore and am too stupid to realize that men are trying to pimp me out. He makes up stories to his family and friends about guys hitting on me and he intervenes like the hero saving the stupid naive person falling victim to these superficial complements. He is delusional and insane. I may look younger than my age but I still don’t look 30. Why would any man in his right mind be trying to pick me up. I hate this monster he has become. I am so lonely and I have nowhere to go. I worked hard to pay off my home and bills so that I could retire in comfort. So leaving my home is not an option for me. I could not afford to live in a neighborhood like I currently live in and would not be happy. This is not about material things. This is about feeling safe and comfortable. Even with the situation here, I would not feel safe living in a less desirable neighborhood, and I would not feel comfortable living in a home for battered women. I just want to stay in my own space and I think he should leave. But he won’t admit that he even drinks a lot let alone ask for help. He can not remember anything. He can not even remember to eat. But he certainly remembers how to get to the liquor store. So for you young people out there, run away. You can start a new life. I can’t start a new life. I can’t get a job because I am too old. I have a Masters degree and no one will hire me. Don’t let your life slip away from you. Run. Run.

  326. Ann Owens on January 13th, 2012 12:16 pm

    I too was married to an alcoholic, who drank all his young adult life severely. Got sober aged 58, sober for 6 yrs, to start all over again. Beat lung cancer, was in perfect health, dove into the vodka bottle & drank till he no longer bathed. He stunk, only went out to get more booze. Was ashy gray, could not remember who he was, but remembered the booze. I left the 2nd time, but continued to go by & check on him as I did not divorce this time. I found him face down, in a pool of blood, blood strewn from the living room all the way down the hall way into the office. He bled out. Sad, he was smart, a wonderful sober man, a horrible drunk. Ge was 72.

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