When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?

Many of you have shared your personal stories of the pain of living with an alcoholic in your life in the comments below. I encourage you to share what you want, and read through what people have said as well.

I am not a counselor, and am not able to provide you with professional help with your situation. I do highly recommend the following resources that will hopefully offer you guidance and hope that you can get through this (yes, you can).

The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships
This book literally changed my life.

Hazelden Books and Resources
Hazelden provides trusted resources to help prevent, treat, and recover from alcoholism and other drug addiction as well as other related disorders.

Al-Anon / Alateen
Al-Anon has one purpose: to help families of alcoholics.

I leave this post here, originally written in 2007, because of the thousands of visitors who come to this site every month seeking help as the spouse of an alcoholic.I also hope that it serves as an inspiration to you that you are not alone, and that you really can live the life you want. For those that are curious – my husband is indeed still sober and is an amazing example of strength and triumph over addiction.

Ever since I wrote the Married to an Alcoholic series, I have watched in heartbreaking sadness at the keywords people have used to find this site:

  • divorcing an alcoholic husband anger
  • when is it time to divorce an alcoholic
  • married to an alcoholic when should i leave
  • how to leave your alcoholic husband
  • how do i get my alcoholic husband out of our house
  • married to an alcoholic, why am I so angry

To each and every one of you, first of all, my heart goes out to you. I have been where you are now. I did the Google searches too, seeking a way out of the pain and anguish of my everyday life.

But the truth of the matter is that you have found this site because you already know you can’t continue to live your life the way you are currently living it, with an alcoholic spouse at your side.

The answer is probably one you don’t want to hear, but it is the only one that will work for you:


Below are some questions you need to ask yourself. These are not easy questions. And don’t bother taking them on unless you are willing to give yourself honest answers. Set aside some time away from your home environment in order to give these questions your full attention, because you will likely get a bit emotional as you uncover your own truths:

  • What is the cost of my leaving this relationship?
    • How will this decision affect others?
    • What will I leave behind?
    • What will I have to let go of?
    • What will I have to face within myself once I am gone?
  • What is the cost of my staying in this relationship?
    • Who else is being hurt by staying in this alcoholic environment?
    • What will happen to my self-worth, my health, and my happiness if I continue on this path for another 5 years? Another 10 years? Another 20?
    • What am I teaching my children by staying in this relationship?
  • What are the benefits of staying in this relationship?
    • I’m still here for a reason – what am I getting out of staying here?
    • Will these benefits continue for the rest of our lives together, or will they change with time?
    • Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?
  • What are the benefits of leaving this relationship?
    • What will I be able to achieve if I end this relationship now?
    • How will I be living my life differently in 5 years if I end this relationship now? 10 years? 20?
    • Do these benefits outweigh the costs? Yes or No?

Additionally, I would encourage you to take this decision seriously. I don’t know any person who has not ‘threatened to leave’ an alcoholic spouse as a leverage chip to try and get their spouse sober.

The problem is with the word “threaten”. If you say you will leave, yet don’t, you are reinforcing the fact that you think it is OK that they continue to drink.

So once you make your decision, you must also be willing to stick to it. And if you aren’t, then you aren’t in a position to make your ‘half decision’ a bargaining chip.

Remember also, if you decide to stay, then you must also take responsibility for that. You know at this point what staying means.

I can tell you this:

Making the decision to leave my husband was the ONLY THING that could have happened in his life for him to make the decision to get sober. I had to take a huge risk, knowing full well that I could have ended up single, or he could have been lying to me once again. So by sticking to my guns, in the end, I got what I wanted most of all. But I had to be willing to let that all go to raise my standards.

This may or may not be what happens with you. Your spouse may decide to continue to drink. You must be willing to face that reality if you are indeed going to decide to stick to your guns, too.
In the end, I did what I will tell you to do:

Follow your heart.

Only you know what is right for you – and your heart is where you will find that answer. I can say from personal experience that following your heart is not always easy, nor does it feel very good at times.

But in the end, it will always lead you in the right direction. Always. And it will feel good with time, and with continued listening. I can promise you this.

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I'm getting back to my blogging roots on WendyPiersall.com: writing about life, art, business, publishing, and following your heart. I'm here to inspire, encourage, and share my journey. I hope my art and writing makes your journey better, too.

546 CommentsLeave a comment

  • While my story isn’t as bad as others, there is no physical abuse but if there was he knows I’d call 911 in a heartbeat. I didn’t realize how alcohol dependent he was at first. He’s had a very horrible life and u understood that. This is our 3rd marriage each. Is been friends with him for abt 5 yrs sorta long distance. We were so comparable that we moved in together almost immediately. I had 3 teenagers and it was working very well. It was nice when you tell your kids to pick up their stuff and they don’t and he told them, it was nice! My downfall. I didn’t like confrontation. He’d lost a job in ’08 and started drinking. It got to be almost 3 cases a week to which he denies. He pretty much ran my kids out the house bc they couldn’t stand him. Still I stayed. I’ve felt guilt over this but my kids and I are ok now. They kno how I feel and an waiting to get out. Thru the years he’s been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He did go see a therapist months after we got married bc of his behavior. He knew if he didn’t I was gone. She’s diagnosed him with delusional paranoia and partial personality disorder. So now it’s 2013 and I’ve grown a pair thanks to him. He’s put us in debt over get rich quick stuff and never did anything to make money. I think he kept us in debt so I wouldn’t leave. 2 weekends ago he go a 12 of beer on fri and Saturday he said he wasn’t getting anymore that weekend. Again I was dumb enough to believe him. He said there was something more important that he wanted. Me. Well…. Guess the bottle of rum was more important. Now he’s mad at me for throwing this at him. He thinks I’m all abt beer. He won’t understand it all abt drinking. I can make my mortgage. Can’t do the $400 a month 2nd mortgage tho. We owe $12 grand on credit cards yet. It’s been a slap in the face and an eye opener the last 2 wks. Last weekend was a case-12 pack thurs,12 pack fri with 7 left over. Than a 6 pack Sunday ” to piss me off “. In done. I’m screwed no matter what. He can be a nice guy. But everyone sees how he’s negative and downs me says stuff to make me look stupid. I need to save my sanity. He pretty much told me I didn’t kno what I was doing with my kids, so how would I kno how to help raise my grand kids… His 1st wife took off and he really hasn’t seen his kids in 25 yrs..part of what screwed him up. He’s angry at me now thinking I’m not getting my way so I’m mad. We went from he’s moving out to I guess I’ll just have to stop drinking. I want him out. I told him he won’t stop. He’s hidden beer that he doesn’t realize I kno abt. He’s promised to get us out of debt but has put us further in. All he does is complain that I don’t of anything. I’m 50, on my feet 8 hrs a day working and I come home and relax. I sit on my ass. But he comes home-truck driver- and plays xbox all nite. I’m the one with the steadiest job but I’m lazy. I’m just done. Now I just have to get him to leave. I don’t care anymore if he quits drinking or not. As long as he’s not in my life. My daughter said this us a long time coming. Sigh….

  • Hi there. Wow. I only read about a third of the stories here and thought I was going to sprain my thumb scrolling to the bottom to add my comments. (On a phone obviously) Wow. Here I was thinking that SURELY I was the only one living in hell. Apparently, I have a whole lot of company. I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 12 years. He is a Master Chief in the Navy and an incredible liar. We have been separated due to deployments for the better part of our marriage so it made it so much easier for me to make excuses to stay. I have a great job that I am only now realizing pays more than enough to support myself and my 16 yo daughter. I’ve spent years believing that he would change. I have left him, filed for divorce, returned when he promised to change and ALWAYS the same drama. He treats us like we are his subordinates, extremely emotionally and occasionally physically abusive. I’m only realizing now that I am the problem. I can’t seem to get out of my own way. I make excuses to stay. I say we have too many bills, too much debt, I can’t make it on my own, what about insurance (I can get my own through work), I make all the stupidest excuses to stay. We have a beautiful house, pool, vehicle, clothes, furnishings, pets, but we do not have a home. It’s all stuff. Stuff that doesn’t matter. I am not the unworthy, no one will love me more than him, train wreck, horrible mother that he always tells me that I am. He threatens how he’s a Master Chief in the Navy and I am nothing and that I will get nothing. At this point, I’d rather have nothing and start all over and have peace of mind than to go another 12 years in this hell. I know it will not be easy but when I see him and he stumbles around drunk and slurs about how nasty I am…. He makes me sick and I can’t believe I have tolerated this for as long as I have.

  • Marie
    I am so very sad. I feel alone. I am going to go to an Al Anon meeting tonight to talk to someone. O hate to tell my grown kids what there dad did. I have been married for26 years. In the last 3 years my husband has drank a lot. He travels for his job, so when he is not traveling he is home. He gets made if I come home from work to late and will already be drunk when ii get home. I made him leave last year and he went tp AA lost weight and 6 weeks moved back. He slowly started drinking again and said he could handle an occasional drink. Not so. I feel like I am making my self sick inside because of this. He and I get along excellent, he is the love of my life. He makes me feel good about myself, always complementary , loving to me and our children. Is faithful, helps with providing to our household exp, we have amazing feelings for each other emotionally and physically. He was drunk last night and almost killed us both. I am done. I told him he has to move out and get help or him and I will not make it. I don’t know if I know what I am doing. If he gets help and is sober how long do I wait until he can come? Or should I just not worry about that right now. I don’t even want to see him or talk to him right now. Is this wrong? I am praying for him to get help and for our family. I know where I am at right now. And I am so sorry for your pain. If you have any advise I would greatly appreciate it.
    Thanks so much.

  • I have only one thing to say. ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASE. Sometimes it takes the alcoholic time to realize he is killing himself and the people around him. He needs help, not insults.

  • I am in love with an alcoholic. When he is sober I love being with him, and I’m happy. When he’s drunk, he is a different person, and I hate being around him. Sometimes he is a nice drunk (flirtatious, joking, trying to be funny) and other times he is mean (full of cut-downs, and trying to pick a fight..twists everything I say). He understands that drinking changes him into someone untollerable even if being a nice drunk. When hes drunk, we almost always argue unless he passes out and I’m left by myself. Passing out happens almost daily. Even after avoiding him…arguments are inevitable eventually. I’ve done everything to try to get through to him, and he always gives me his broken promises of stopping. He knows hes an alcoholic and admits it. He even says he doesn’t want to be this way and needs help. But he won’t get it. Every so often he gets very full of rage and accuses me of things, says I’m not letting him be himself, He has a low self esteem that he uses as a reason for feeling bad. He tells me he likes to alter his ego and escape himself. But in reality he is very egocentric and self centered/ I believe he loves me with all his heart. We have been through so much. I have been physically, mentally, and emotionally drained from this strain of drinking. But I have such a hard time giving up on us. I’ve had what I thought was enough courage to move on, but it seems as if I always get sucked back in. He is a wonderful sober man, but a terrible drunk. I have two daughters that hear us argue. My eldest cries sometimes, and puts her hands over her ears. I know I need to stop this for them. This example I’m living is so unhealthy. And the worst part is I am deeply in love with this man. With alcohol or should I say whiskey gone, I can see myself living the rest of my life with him and being very happy. It’s such a shame we (him and I and our partnership) aren’t as important to him as whiskey. He doesn’t seem to have a “rock bottom” either. There have been many instances that a sober person would think would be it….the enough thing…the rock bottom. With him it never is enough, No situation will wake him up to getting the help he needs. We are not married, nor do I think we ever will be, but we live together. He is drunk far more than sober, and consumes huge amounts of whiskey at a time. The drunken lingering effects stay with him for the entire day and night. He drinks mostly when I’m at work early in the day and morning, and is in denial that he’s still drunk when I get home. What does a person do to make herself leave what could be the best thing ever?

  • Man, I sure wish I could know what good could come from leaving. Staying is SO painful. I love her but her affair with alcohol is unrelenting. Had to clean her like a baby tonight because she’s so drunk she pee’d herself. Had to carry her to bed. She swings from Jekyll to Hyde as fast as you can say Chardonnay. One moment I’m Mr Wonderful and the next I’m the point of entry for a colonoscopy. Sneaking, messing, spending, ranting, whining, and sleeping in until 2pm. But I love her more than my life and sanity – which must mean I’m pretty sick myself.

  • So, my husband is alcoholic, but his cycle is very long. He will go a year, maybe two, without drinking a drop, and then suddenly out of the blue, he’s wasted. The last time it happened I came home from work and found him drunk, while taking care of our son. He couldn’t walk straight and vomited all night long. He’s a pretty good husband otherwise, faithful, hard-working, loving with our son, helps around the house, trying very hard not to drink, until suddenly he snaps. If he did this every weekend, my decision would be easier, but it’s very hard, to decide if it’s “worth it” since it only happens every year or two. He hasn’t gotten serious about getting help from himself, and if he does it now, it’s just to please me. Intellectually, I think I should leave him…it’s been the same cycle for about 10 years. But emotionally, it’s difficult, we have so much invested in this relationship, family, and life, and a child together.

  • All the stories Ive read above are identical to my life. Its very hard to make a move when a home, children and jobs will be affected, but tis time I will sacrifice all of those things for my and my childrens happiness. There will be no more scared nights of him coming in drunk verbally abusing us, there will be no more nights of taking kids out of house and sleeping on someone elses couch. Iam done! I don’t love him anymore. Its just unfortunate that the kids don’t understand, they love him unconditionally. I do not. I have been with him since I was 17 and am 41 now. His drinking started to affect all of us about 10 years ago.. 3 DWIs later other people see it too. I guess you would call him a functioning alcoholic, not functioning enough to be a husband or reliable father though. Iam done with him. I didn’t grow up like this and refuse to suffer any longer. It will be a tough road but Im ready….Ive had lots of time to prepare. Good luck everyone else

  • I found these comments to show me my future. My live in boyfriend of 7 years is an alcoholic. I watched him change from the ‘ life of the party’ guy that had energy, goals, and ambition… to an unemployed alcoholic with no goals other then video games and scoring more booze. We talk of marriage and children but I know deep down how horrible that life would be. I grew up with an alcoholic father and swore I would never expose my children to that kind of life. It is hard because I love him so much and he has never been abusive, but he is completely dependent on me. He’s only 30 years old. I know its an ugly road from here. I work so hard…honestly it disgust me when I think of his laziness. I try to save money for a house, a trip, etc. But I am spending a fortune taking care of him. I resent him already.

  • I am just sad and in shock to find I am not alone. Thank you, Wendy for this web site. I had to let it soak in for a day that I am not alone and that there is not much I can do. I have been married 18 years and I too did not realize the disease part until way later. I hear my story out of many women here. I also have had the broken promises and watch the neglect in my husband as it progresses. I thought I too can make it stop..wow. I know I have to go and Ala non as well. I pray for every person here who had the courage to share and help other women by doing this. It is not easy any way you go…but the peace your lacking will carry you through if you make the change. Again, you all touched my heart and helped me even more to recovery from this cycle that must be stopped. Thank you.

  • I am not seeing my main concern voiced on here. I am married to a binge drinker. My main concern is that when I leave, he will then spiral out of control and our children will have to be around him and ride in a car w/him. The laws do not protect kids in this situation in this state. My oldest daughter has expressed this same concern.

    I guess I am just looking for guidance as this is the only reason I stay, to protect my children.

    Thank You.

  • I have been married to an alcoholic for 8 years and together with him for 11. I have tried everything, begging, pleading, arguing, hiding keys, cutting up debit cards, I have turned into a bitch but he won’t stop. He has been in rehab twice while I worked and held down my job, I’m a cop by the way and a former DUI officer. Ironic I know.. He has driven drunk, I have hid keys and slashed tires to keep him home.

    We have no children (thank god) and we rent our house. He has had jobs sporadically and when he hasn’t I have supported us while he went and blew our money on booze. He will drink for days when he spirals out of control, he falls down, breaks things, pees himself and black out. He doesn’t remember conversations or actions he does when he is drunk. He’s not abusive but I am tired of cleaning up his messes while he goes to sleep it off for a few days.

    He’s had a total hip replacement because of drinking (at age 39) and he has a lower GI bleed because of it. He will pour blood for days after a binder and he doesn’t care. He has sleep apena because of his drinking as well.. The last straw was when I told him to stop drinking or I was leaving, this was in July of 2013. He went to AA and stopped for 6 months (or so I think) he has a prescription for Kolonapin and ate several of those daily for “a little buzz”.

    He began a sexting (and probably sexual) relationship with a fellow AA member who attended his meetings because of drug court. When I found out about it he spiraled out of control again. I left on Febuary 26, 2014 and moved into my own place. He told me he was going to Colorado to start his life over. Then on March 1, 2014 he called me upset saying he didn’t want to lose me and didn’t want to leave. I gave him an ultimatum that we would be separated for a year and when he could show me that he could be responsible we would move back in together. Three days later he gave me an ultimatum, he demanded to move into my new place or he was leaving for Colorado and a divorce. I was crushed!!!

    He has been sober (I think) for well over a week and he expected me to move him right back in. He’s still texting his girl on the side and has now told me that he might have to stay here as he cannot find a room to rent in Colorado. I feel pretty certain that he will move in with his AA girlfriend or will return for Colorado to be with her once her divorce is final. I miss him very much and I feel jealous that some tramp could take him away from me so easily. I took care of this man for 11 years and this doesn’t seem to hurt him at all.. I cannot wait to feel peace and be done with him.. I’m tired of hurting!

  • I’ve been sitting here reading all of these comments and one thing that is being said, time and time again, is that people should “follow your heart.” I’m sorry but I disagree. Following my heart is what has kept me in this alcoholic relationship with my husband for so long. My head is telling me that I deserve better, that I can make it on my own, that I should “grow a pair” and actually walk out that door for good…but then my heart tells me to “stop!” “give him one last chance (again),” “he can’t make it without you,” yada yada yada! I’m to the point where I feel that following my heart, is what got me in this situation. I was blinded to all of the warning signs while we dated. There were so many red flags flying directly in my face, but by following my heart, my mind wouldn’t allow me to see them. My advice to any man or woman who faces decisions of leaving an alcoholic spouse would be not to “follow your heart” but listen to your conscience, your mind. Let it tell you what to do. Logically play that out and step outside of the box for a moment. You will begin to see with much clear vision, if you tell you’re heart to quiet down…and turn the volumen up on your common sense. Peace and Love to all of you that are going through this. I have, and I know how difficult it is. The hardest part is the realization that this person is not who they once were and you will not begin to realize that until your mute your heart.

  • I am a soon to be 36 year old married mother of 4. ages 14,9,7, 5. myhusband and i have been married 14 years. 6 yrs ago he was diagnosed with muscular dystrophy. the past year he has began to become an unbearable drunk like his mother. i want to leave and i could but i want the house for myself and kids. I want the land. I am the only one who has taken the time to do anything to the house. I am a woman but i am the one who put in all new water lines electric boxes painted drywlled put in gardens built fences made shelters for animals. ME my blood sweat and tears no to mentioned blistered hands. I realize he is sick and what he has will kill him someday but im at y ends roap. not only is his drinking causing us financial problems but he hs no license 2 duis and my children dont need to be around it. hes never raised a hand to me cause i could knock him out if need be ( hes down to 120 lbs now) how do i leave or make him leave without feeling the guilt that im throwing a sick man out on his butt? he threatens to hurt himself if i leave and the next day hes always sorry but then gets drunk every night all over again. we are not intament anymore and sleep in seperate beds so whats the point of dealing with all the aggrevation and stress his drinking causes me in my life.

  • I am sitting here crying my heart and soul out. have just made the decision that I have to leave my partner of 10 years. After all of the broken promises I have to accept that he does not want to change badly enough to move forward in to a counselling program and to take the steps to stop drinking. One of my best friends lost her husband to cancer a year and a half ago and when we spoke about our grief she explained that she would do anything to have her husband back she missed him so very much. That has been weighing heavily on me because we still have times that are good and I love him so much. I have to listen to my heart I really do know this. Have answered all the questions and I know what is right not only for myself but for him too. I think he is so addicted that he can’t stop but in his own way I know he loves me. That is what is so hard.

  • Wow! So many stories and we are all the same. For me: got divorced, reconnected with high school boyfriend. Let him move in as his ex had taken everything bad he head nothing. Knew he had an alcohol problem but we were having fun. Blamed both are drinking on our divorces. Married him. Loved him, had doubts about his drinking, he really needed my insurance. He made good money WHEN he worked. He started drinking day and night. Forgot Christmas, birthday, anniversary. Almost one year married I put him on a plane for work. We had done nothing but fight for months. He quit drinking cold turkey, totaled a rental car. I had to fly out to get him. He was yellow, hep C took months to get healthy. Sober for almost 3 months. I come home from a workshop, he’s passing out drunk. Just wanted to see what would happen if he drank. Almost a year later, I come home and he’s passed out in the shower. I called 911. His blood alcohol is something like .348! And he’s conscious and talking. The dr told me he was a professional alcoholic. I told him it was the bus station or rehab. He went to rehab and a halfway house. Came home, got a job that pays hardly anything compared to his other job. Quit going to meetings and working the program. I came home from work 2 weeks ago and he was falling down drunk. Called in sick to work the next day, drunk when I got home from work. Same thing the next day. I told him he had crossed the boundary I set at rehab. He cried, begged me not to leave him, said I would cause him to drink and die. Got to the point he got nasty and said he was going to look for wife number 3. I’ve been to the lawyer. Found out he’s been drinking in secret almost since he got his first pay check at his new job. I have been paying for everything and having to ask my parents for money. I went to the lawyer last week. Scheduled to go back and sign the papers next week and then he will be served. Why do I feel so terrible?

  • I’ve been married to an alcoholic for over 13 years. He has a son from a previous marriage, who is 15 years old and has numerous diagnoses for Asperbers, depression, anxiety, ADHA, ODC, and ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder. My stepson has an extremely high IQ, so does my husband. They are both gifted in many ways academically and musically. Tensions between the two households is unnerving.

    My husband will look me straight in the face and tell me he’s not drinking. I ask him to blow in my face to smell the evidence which he usually fails this test almost every time. He tells me he’s going to stop drinking but never does. He is rigid, controlling, selfish, and sits in his shit-hole feeling sorry for himself. He can’t see to hold a job down this past year. He makes great money but can’t seem to get along with his co-workers or supervisors. He’s very smart and knows exactly what needs to be done to make his projects work but is stifled by his “bosses inability to see it his way.” Most of the time, my husband is right about Project Management. He’s an expert and has been in the business of Project Management for over 17 years. His approach is rigid and hostile, curt and full of arrogance when it comes to “trying to force his strategies down the throats of others on his team. He comes home a spews his anger and frustrations on me. Then he goes for the bottle. He’s gained weight, won’t exercise, eat right, and isolates himself to the point where he has no friends. I allowed him to suck me in to his shit and I can’t take it any longer. I’m a Christian woman who has the mind-set of standing by your man, with prayers, support, patience, love and keeping the peace.

    My husband attends church, sings and plays guitar during church services, prays, reads his bible, but its still not enough for him to stop drinking and destroying his body and our marriage. More and more, my heart tells me to leave. Our house needs major work done before we can put it on the market to get the most money out of our investment. He starts projects but never finishes them. Our house looks like its under construction. I’m at the point where I don’t care. Sell it as is so I can get the hell out of this crazy-house of pure madness. I have no ties to children. I’m concerned for our pets because I refuse to give them up. I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for years because I have to make myself available in case something happens with my stepson at school where school officials can’t handle him. I work only part time. I feel stuck. I feel like living on the streets would give me more peace of mind then living in this house.

    God is sustaining my mental health, emotional stability, spiritual strength and physical well being. We have no health insurance right now. I take good care of myself by running, swimming, biking, etc. I believe my husband is jealous of me and my ability to keep bettering myself while he sits on the couch, eating, drinking, sleeping, and continuing to be sucked into the negative news and constantly tuned in to his phone and pc. Its just a matter of time before I take a rubber mallet and crush my laptop into pieces because I’m sick and tired of watching him sit there for hours on Facebook, looking at new guitars and other selfish things he wants to purchase.

    I’m living in hell and only I have control to make my life better but I’m scared to death. Please, someone, give me some advice or words of encouragement. Prayers help too. I refuse to go down the road again of hopelessness.

    Thank you.


  • Listen up ladies, you have to give the drinker an alter mantom
    now if your 62 u can apply for your ssi , if your not you can go to the welfare office yes welfare office and tell them u need help, they have many programs that help and many women some of u may have o hide your shelf from your man, he has to quit, tell him u will date him until u see he has stopped absolutely no drinker what so ever they cannot not stop if u add to it and it means u cannot either, drinking is a disease so stop it, u have to make them leave or u have to leave, but there are ways, , even schools understand u are mot alone as this sites shows u, i left am still single i was scared to go i had him leave the house we put it up for sale we split it without and attorney but some of u there is free attorneys that help , sell the house and start over my gosh the fear , the mental anguish the embarrassment , the stupidity the knocking u down, u are a wonderful person or he would have married you so stay that wonderful person and leave,look at it this way would you have dated him if u knew, leave them make plans when thir gone to work , first start paying off all your credit cards yours, use his for charges, save 50 a week out to a savings account he can not get into, save save save, sell thing that is yours and save, sell down so u don;t have to move, if he says anything tell him your cleaning out old stuff , do not lt them know, then refinance the hose if u can just in Yoruba name if u can pay for it, all u have to do is tell them u found a better interest deal and sign papers alone, for one if they drink they have already out your house at risk , u can save your house and your marriage probably because it will get worse before it gets better, but i know this one thing u can do is get a restrain g order if you are legally separated, if he gets near u u can call police he going to jail and jail is not a bad thing it sometimes wakes them up not always but sometimes, while your doing alt his u can hide what your doing, now for you woman, that do not have control of the money but get money for groceries , u can say they cost extra and start to save, u can say light bill was more and save hiding little money a little at a time adds up and helps with the transition for u
    get out ladies and make them chose if they don;t u get to keep your sanity, and your love for the next man their not all bad, but DO NOT CHOSE THE SAME MISTAKE ANYONE WHO DRINKS IS OFF THE DATING MENU FOR ME

  • I am in a relationship for 3-1/2 yrs.. lived with him, moved out on him because of his insane temper and verbal abuse when drinking to me and my daughter, he has a son from prior marriage who lives with us. My daughter is 18. He is just like Lisa (2007 comment) said, wonderful, loving so much fun when he is not drinking. for a while it has been 3-4 days a week, he is not always mean, depends on his moods what the drunk state is going to be for the night.. I am sick of walking on eggshells around this man, when drinking “trying” not to get him in bad mood.. We tried again and again.. live together. I want him gone.. I have been the one to leave, my ex husband, and him 2 times before, I was a fool to think things change.. He says its not his fault people, (my daugher, his ex-wife) get him angry .. they don’t get it.. and he flys off the handle and freaks out.. (all the time!!).. no of course for the past couple days he is I love you, I don’t mean things I say when fighting.. blah blah blah.. Our lease is up in August and I told him to leave, I moved to the spare bedroom. I just need to get this out.. because as I write this.. I was previously thinking, things can be ok if he goes to AA or whatever.. but you know what? things won’t change.. Its my life and my daughters and I am tired of being on the edge waiting for it to happen again.. My daughter seriously thinks I will forgive him “like always” and how can you let him treat you that way mom.. its awful.. I feel better getting this all out.. thank you all for your stories.. they have been an amazing help to me.

  • I’ve just left my alcoholic husband. We live in India, where the term divorce is highly looked down upon. Financially we are currently very rich, living in a large palatial house. I have a 3 yr old daughter. We live with his parents and his father is supporting us as well taking care of our the financial requirements. My daughter is extremely fond of her gr parents and her father, she doesn’t get to see his alcoholic bad side, he drinks but he plays nicely with her. I’m very scared abt my future 10 yrs later because he doesn’t wrk. and because I am provided for, it’s expected that I stay around my husband looking after him. He has gone to 3 rehabs and no improvement. Also my mother in law gives me a really nasty time n she tries to create problems between my husband n me. I am scared abt my future because both of us don’t wrk and my husbands father is also ageing and will soon retire. I’m 33 years old. My husband also gambles and till now no financial security has been allocated for my daughters future.

    I hv moved back with my parents but my daughter misses her house her father and her grandparents terribly and it tears my heart to see that. She meets them once a week but once the divorce proceedings begin I’m unsure of how things will turn.
    Kindly advice on how to explain things to her. Also how to handle her behavioural changes – she has started biting her nails, become v cranky and aggressive .

  • When you dread the thought of coming home after working an exhaustive, terrible day. The one place you want to go to; your safe haven where you sleep, relax and unwind. When you would rather stay and pick up an extra 3 or 4 hours after working for 12, that is when it is time for you to get out and move on. When you truly dread the thought of spending time with your alcoholic spouse you need to Cowboy/ Cowgirl Up And git! Or you can stay and perish for the cause. Just remember, Martyrs only get one thing in life…. Dead! Don’t let your heart be a Martyr nor your mind and especially not your body!

  • I don’t know how to approach my situation. It seems pretty tame after reading all of your posts. Been married nearly 30 years, two grown up children and a husband I love. He is a great father, most of the time a good husband, but a compulsive liar as far as drink is concerned. I
    He doesn’t work and spends the day drinking though tells me he doesn’t. He controls the drink well enough to be a be able to hold a conversation and sound convincing when he says he is not drunk, just very tired (he has some health issues which do make him tired so I sometimes doubt myself when he swears he is sober). He never gets aggressive and treats me well. But he doesn’t eat properly, he doesn’t help at all in the house, he spends each day with his brother (an alcoholic just relapsed after his third stint in rehab) and basically it feels as though I am now just the housekeeper, not a wife.
    I have threatened to leave, but each time he says I am being silly, why would I throw everything away. And of course, to tell someone that he drinks hard but treats me well would make most people wonder why I am so unhappy. I get panicky at family events in case he acts ‘tired’ and because of his health issues I feel enormously guilty about even thinking of leaving. Often I talk myself into sticking with it, but more and more these days I am beginning to wonder if this is all I have to look forward to. I know I sound selfish compared to some of the horrific tales on this site, but I just do not know what to do for the best, his, mine and our families.

  • My dad was an alcoholic. I’m of the opinion you shouldn’t marry one in the first place. I say this with mixed feelings, because if my mom hadn’t married my alcoholic dad… I would not exist.

    My old man would get very aggressive when he had the liquor in him. He’d get out of bed in the middle of the night and drink from his secret stash. Somehow he managed to keep it mostly hidden from his colleagues at work.

    My mom ended up divorcing when I was 6. At this point, she had already endured him for 15 years.

    My dad set a great example… of how NOT to parent.

    I haven’t seen him in 20 years and I intend to keep it that way.

  • Reading this post has opened my eyes and given me courage. For soooo long I thought I was alone in thinking something was wrong with me to love an alcoholic. I have always felt the need to be loved and to feel safe. I divorced my first husband after 14 yrs of drinking and abuse. Two yrs later i met and married my second husband, my best friend. I soon discovered he is a binge drinker. When he is sober he is the best husband in the world, but drunk, I do not want to be around him. I am now joining a support group and getting help for myself. I am learning to love myself and learning to detach with love from my husband. I am learning to make healthier choices. Thank you all for being brave enough to share. I take one day at a time and I know God will take care of me.

  • Hi I have questions my husband of 11 years is very bad alcoholic? In lately he’s bin very angry and when he’s drunk he calls him self a devil what is that mean please help?????

  • I have been married to a wonderful man for the past 18 years. We have a 17 year old daughter. My husband is an alcoholic through and through. He went to rehab and was sober for 9 months. Started drinking again. He stops for 3 months and starts again each time. Each time he starts drinking, he binge drinks that it has come so bad that he looses all sense of control, of himself. He stop now since the beginning of June and has started again to drink on Friday, 16th August. I love him so very much and I know deep inside things will never change. He always says that things will change. He lies, he hides his alcohol. He told my daughter this morning that he will not drink this week then when I phoned him, I could here he was drunk. My daughter has gotten so use to this but I feel that I have let her down as a mother by not doing anything. Please can someone help me and tell me what I must do/

  • If you are not married, do not marry an alcoholic man. If he does not get help and only he can do it, you will end up disliking him and finding him gross. You will be on a emotional roller coaster for life!

  • I would tell you my story, but after reading all of yours, I could take a piece from each of what you all said your lives were like and mine would be the same. I too came here looking for the magic answer that I needed to leave my alcoholic boyfriend. Keyword being boyfriend and yes I am smart enough not to marry this man. But living with him and staying is the same as being married to him. I did go to alanon and found that their solutions were heavily based on religion and gave tools to stay, which I find contradictory because God would never want anyone to suffer. I also found it funny that the AA meetings were held upstairs in a Church and the alanon meetings were held downstairs in the basement. Closer to hell I guess! We didn’t even get coffee and cookies like the drunks did. I think what most of us need is a step by step guide to getting the hell out. So, here it goes. As I am writing this, I am hoping by the end I will take my own advice and you will too.

    1. Imagine yourself sitting at a red light. You wait around patiently for it to change and it doesn’t. Each time you think that you are going to get your turn, the light goes green on the other side and the other drivers keep it moving while you stay behind. This is your life right now. You wait at the red light because that is what you have been trained to do. But you really stay at that red light because you know the law could be watching or you could go and risk getting hit by another car. That is your fear. The law is your alcoholic partner and the other car is what you are afraid of happening if you just decide to go. Now other cars have come up behind you and see that the red light is not changing so, they won’t wait and go around you. Maybe one or two of them will blow the horn at you until you go. Those are your friends and family. The ones that go around you are the ones that see you sitting stagnant in a horrible situation and can’t help you. The ones that blow the horn are your family that wants to push you to do what is right and fair. Nothing in life should control you or stop you from being happy. As you sit alone at that light, look both ways, push on the gas pedal and just go.
    2. Money makes the world go round. We can’t live without it. But you would be surprised at how much money will come to you if you allow it to. Once you stop using money as an excuse and telling yourself that you can’t survive without their help, you will have what you need to live. You are not thinking clearly when you are floating around in their beer bottle. Your thought process about money is what is stopping it from coming in. I know that staying with family is not ideal always because we are adults and should be able to stand on our own, but asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. Stay in a shelter or apply for government financial help. It’s out there for a reason. If you think I am wrong, just remember that they bury people, not money.
    3. Take a look in the mirror. Aren’t you tired of the black eyes? The bloody nose? The busted lip? The painful bruises all over your body? Even if they don’t hit you, aren’t you tired of allowing those words to damage your self worth? Don’t you know that when they say these ugly things to you that they really are talking about how they feel about themselves? They do to you what they wish they could do to themselves, but are too much of coward and selfish to do so. You are not a punching bag and you are not a doormat. Just know that you can do better than this for yourself and they cannot.
    4. Your children are a reflection of you. We all love our children so much, but yet we allow them to live in this hell. You may think that they are too young to remember or they will remember and not follow your mistakes. Sadly most children repeat the mistakes of their parents. Now imagine your daughter coming to see you with black eyes and a husband reeking of booze. Break the cycle and show your children that this behavior is not tolerable. Stand up for your children now before it is too late.
    5. Feel guilty eating an extra piece of cake and not leaving behind a drunken mess. They want you around because they know that you have put up with their crap for so long so what is the problem now? They know that most will not and they need someone to take it out on because they can feel their bodies giving out. They need someone to blame. An excuse to drink. Well, you don’t have to be that excuse or person to blame.
    6. Remember that red light? Sure someone will eventually come along and fix it, but that is not your job and you can’t wait around until they do. Fixing someone is not your job no matter how much you love them. They have to fix themselves in order to love who they are and until then, they will never love you. If they do love you it may just be because you stuck around and allowed them to keep drinking and not dealing with their issues. That is why they jump from one partner to the next because each time they get a clean slate and a chance to start all over again to see how much the next person will deal with. When they won’t deal, they come back to you because you did. So if he is telling you that he can do better and find someone else, just smile and know that is not true. But you can find better.
    7. Do you remember when you were little and one of your girlfriends invited you over for a sleepover that coming weekend and you had your bags packed since you hung up? Sometimes you need to leave little by little. Pack a suitcase and leave it in your car. Put valuables in boxes and put them in storage. You don’t have to wait for that big blow up to happen to march out the door because that could put your life in danger or cause you to do something that lands you in jail. Leaving during a fight makes us vulnerable. We sit around regretting the argument and listening to their tears and begging us to come back and since all our stuff is at home/hell, we go back. But if you prepare ahead of the inevitable fight, it makes it easier not to go back. You already have your clothes, your stuff is safe so you can be away for a while and decide your next plan.
    8. Our beloved pets. nobody wants to leave them behind, but if you know that you are leaving, find them homes in advance. It’s hard to let go, I know, but they don’t need to get hurt or killed because the drunk decides to get back at you. But if you do leave in a hurry, take them with you if you can.
    9. When you find yourself in a hole, just reach up. You would be surprised at how many people are willing to help you if you accept the help. Many therapists know that it is very hard to get someone to leave a situation. But if you are serious enough, they will help you through.
    10. Life is about change for the better not for the worse. We only have a short time on this earth and the time that is given to us is too precious to waste. Don’t think about how many years you have lived with this. Instead, think of how many years you are going to live without it.

  • I have been married for 28 yrs . Having been married previously w a child. I married again and having 1 child w this person. All reality is It is all about the them. No matter how well u have it money, jobs, success, love it doesn’t make them happy. We have good jobs ,nice home , ect the nothing changes anything. same verbal abuse. Typical from what I have read from others on here. I have only just found this site tonite because I have I am at the point of no return. All the reasons I have read r typical as well. I pray this is my 1st step to recovery. I am done trying to change someone who WONT .

  • I took your questions and found the answers , no one knows their future, the drink has made life hard, the more into the marriage the harder it gets, i should have baled long ago, but i tried to succeed in this marriage, but the all knowing statement is they have to meet you halfway , if they choose not too then you have to bale, otherwise you will lose yourself and if children involved you will lose them and maybe they will be destroyed from it, I have been in a roller coaster marriage, we would go to church he would quit or i would be embarrassed my the smell of alcoholic drink, his actions, he gets worse, it doesn’t help his family thinks i am the one causing his ill tenderness hard luck, had i known he had taken hard rugs before the marriage i would have turned away, i would have had not been for the child, we have together, this is why God says wait for marriage and stay of equal yoke you will not get all this hardship and its a toll ladies , we have no sex life, ,we argue about nothing all the time, mostly because he looses stuff and blames me , i have to babysit him i feel like i am taking care of an invalid , he cares for me when i am sick and knows i am at wits end about his drinking tries to butter me up but them back to his old self i think he is waiting for me to die so he can live his sick life all lone and then have sex on the side which would be impossible since he is almost impotent from the alcohol,he says he wants something else i said go fo it because what your looking for isn’t looking for you , but then the remarks and hate slng just get worse we just get better at hate slurs and rude remarks trying to outdo each other , this is not a relationship , love is kind , love does not hurt love cares cherishes honors, love does not get jealous or spiteful , lov is good lov is peaceful love is wonderful expecting the same each day and letting it run wild , i chose love , need to leave, God said to me the other morning, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH IT NOT WORTH IT

  • I recently left my highly functioning alcoholic husband. I am 46 and he is 47 years old. We were high school sweethearts and have been together for 29 yrs ( 21 yrs married). This was the most difficult decision of my life.

    My husband began drinking as a teenager. We moved in together three yrs. before we were married, but were engaged. It would take too long to say all of the things that we have been through. I can just tell you that it has been less than pleasant and has gotten progressively worse through the years. I simply could not take it any longer. He had gotten to where he drinks a case of beer every night and of course, he blames me for his drinking. It took me a long time and moving out on him 3 times in the past yr. before I recently got the courage to leave.

    I have been in my new home for a little over a week. It hurts everyday, but I keep taking one day at a time. Luckily, we never had children, so I didn’t have to go through that heartache of it all. Each day I feel more liberated and free. I still cry on a daily basis. He has not contacted me at all. Of course, because it’s still my fault I’m sure.

    I never thought my marriage would end this way. He was my best friend and I do miss him, but I have to find myself again, even it it means doing it without him. God bless all of you and know that it does work out :)

  • Hi, I live with my boyfriend and have been together for 12 years. He has always been a drinker, when we met he had a full time job and was mainly drinking on the weekends. Since then we have moved in with eachother and had two children. I love him with all my heart he is such a good dad to our children taking them out for walks to the park etc but when hes had a drink he is a total different person. He’s called me vile names, threatened to hit me, had the police round for being noisy and I am a living wreck. whenever he goes out I am looking at the door wondering when he is going to roll in drunk. He tells me to stop nagging him and that he drinks because i nag and i just say i am on my nerves constantly when he goes out as he always will go out drinking. his close relative is an alcoholic as well and i know it does not help. if my boyfriend is being “good” the relative will offer him a “drink” and he’ll say no but he’ll be offered 4 – 5 times then the person will say im going to pour you one as i know you want it. this person will pour my boyfriend a drink when he says no he is being good and i will feel like screaming the place down saying are you mad!!! as they are close i know he wont stop seeing this person so that is out of the window. i really dont know what to do i feel like leaving him but then i get scared thinking what if im making a mistake.

  • I am the alcoholic, I am the Alcoholic with a twist, I have 2 separate mental illnesses that I am being treated for. I have been horrible in the pastt that he knows about and some he doesn’t. I was extremely drunk last night and smoked a lot of pot and apparently I was hitting on one of his friendsall night. Then on our way home (me n my boyfriend) he spat in my face. I only know this because he wanted me to know. And he had a few choice names. I had a guest, so I asked him if could call him later. But I probably won’t because I am going to be put down and yelled at, I don’t care if I am in the wrong after knowing him for 20 years, being his girlfriend for the last 22 years. I am done. Maybe I was unconsciously trying to get him to break up with me

  • my husband loses all thoughts of common sense as soon as someone asks him if he wants to come over and have a beer, a friend is visiting and wants to have a beer, if someone calls and asks him to come along with them somewhere, it will end up involving beer. he has promised me that he is not going to drink anymore, within 24 hours of that statement is when he lost all common sense and left the house without saying goodbye, telling me he was leaving or going anywhere, left our pup in the kennel, and left the propane heater on out on the back porch. he just walked out the door, got in his friends car and left. he had an agenda of things to do that day. needless to say, none of it got done. i am not even sure how long he was gone for because i was in my room doing homework. when i did come out to see what he was doing, he was nowhere to be found. my son told me who he left with and where he could have gone. i jumped in the car, drove to a house, and there he was- outside smoking a cigarette. i screamed some expletives at him to get in the car and we were off. at home, he cooked a burger, ate, and then when passed out at about 5:30 pm until the next morning. this was actually a less eventful drinking situation for me, it usually involves some verbal, mental and emotional abuse… but i got off lucky this time around. my whole anger at this moment is with the fact that with even the THOUGHT of drinking, the concept of making the right choices and decisions went flying out of his brain as the idea of drinking tiptoed in. I’ve been married to him for 12 years, this isn’t getting old, IT IS OLD! i am too strong within my heart, mind and soul to deal with this any longer. i have had many experiences, but when i caught him smoking marijuana with my 17 year old sons and their friend on the front porch of my house, that was the last straw. it is not just his life that he is affecting, it is MY life that he is being a negative distraction to! and im not one to allow negativity into my life.

  • I read these comments and think perhaps I’m over-resting. My husband is not an alcoholic, he can go without drinking for a period of time. But when he does drink, he turns into someone completely different – someone cold and mean and sneery and cruel – and has no memory in the morning. He wakes up and acts like everything is fine. I think I’m going mad. Is this familiar to anyone or should I grow up and deal with it? When he’s sober he’s magic.

  • Just came across this and the comments provide a lot of insight. My bf of almost 5 years (living together 4) is an angry alcoholic. He also suffered from depression, anger issues, anxiety etc. he has started seeing a psycologist in a top rated substance abuse program..started about a month ago…hasn’t done anything. I’m 42 (he’s 31) and I feel like at this point in life he has taken away the last of my youth, any chance of having kids, and my financial security that I have worked very hard to get. I have thrown him out but he won’t leave. Now that he’s in a program I know if I boot him he will stop going. I’m angry all the time! He has nowhere to go…throwing him out would actually kill him. I want out of this relationship (my heart hasn’t been in it for a while) but I do actually care what happens to him…probably the only person..and if I “threw him away like everyone else has” he wouldn’t survive..I know that for a fact. STUCK,,

  • I’m 68. I’ve been married to my alcoholic wife for 20yrs. She drinks morning, noon, & night! Most days falling down drunk! I’m so disappointed I can hardly speak. I would leave put have several horses and dogs and don’t have any place to go:(

  • I am 53. Was widowed with 3 adult children. I watch my granddaughter while. Kids work 6 days a week. My fianc√© encourged my to do it. I helped take care of his mom for 2 years until she passed. He received inherent and said he would care for me. I cook, do laundry, shop etc cause he lost license for 10 years. I know he wants me out. What are my options.


  • I’ve been married for 22 years to my college sweetheart. We have 4 son’s together, 2 biological and 2 adopted, all in their teens and older. August last year I finally came out of the denial that my husband had a serious drinking problem; this after 2 DUI’s and many embarrassing moments and times of verbal abuse due to his drinking.
    Things came to a head on Valentines Day when I told him to get help, clean up, or I would be leaving. He was shocked. We spent 3 hours in the parking lot of the swanky restaurant where we were suppose to be eating our V-Day dinner. He always wants to talk in the most public settings when he knows I cannot keep in my emotions! What a mess. But, it was a come clean moment with what I had felt for quite sometime and had began to fester intense resentment inside me. I had to truthfully tell him that I loved him but i didn’t like him or like being around him. That I couldn’t stand the sight of him because of the destruction his drinking was causing the family. I couldn’t stand the fact that he placed our children in danger driving drunk. That I hate drunk sex and didn’t want him to touch me. That he couldn’t be trusted with the finances any longer because he was forgetting to pay bills. That he became a 5th child to me and not my husband. I hated how he repeated himself like he was on a conversational merry-go-round and didn’t realize he sounded like a dementia patient retelling the same stories over and over.
    He sobered for a few months and things were great; I had the man I loved back for the most part. He was sober from that moment until about a month or 2 ago. I started seeing red flags, but prayed and hoped I was imagining things. Then, a week ago, he walked in with his gym bag slung over his shoulder, stood by the fireplace and staggered just slightly, smiled and said hello. He walked slowly to his evening chair and sat even slower. He looked at son #2 and asked a weird question that didn’t make sense and my son gave me “that look”. He knew. I knew. Son #4 walks in to warm up by the fire. My husband gets up to go to the restroom and trips over a hall chair and keeps walking. He’s definitely drunk.
    My children go with friends to a movie. I use the lone time to ask my husband if he has been drinking. He of course denies it. So I ask him what he has been doing that causes him to talk like and walk like he is drunk and he unleashes the “f” word on my multiple times. My mistake. I said no more.
    I spoke with my sons last night and they have admitted to knowing he was drinking again because they have seen the crown bottles in the car and even in his pocket. Yes, Crown Royal is his mistress.
    So, here I am “Googling” what to do. I feel as though the only way to make my point is to separate. My problem is that I’ve been a stay at home mom all the years of our marriage and honestly, I’ve lost who I am and don’t know where to even start the starting over process. I’m utterly lost and the thought of the mountain that must be climbed is overwhelming. I didn’t finish college because we married and began a family, so I don’t even have that under my hat. It sucks. I’ve happily played the role of mother and wife; he has not held up his end of the marriage.

  • Well, I filed for divorce this week. 8 years of being married to an alcoholic has taken it’s toll. The lies, the affairs that he still denies even though I have screenshots of his sordid conversations, and the constant feelings of disappointment have all but sucked the life out of me. I feel blessed to know I am not the only woman dealing with this; but at the same time, I’m heartbroken for each and every one of us. I love him, but hate our life. I hate the embarrassment I feel from his behavior, I hate the heartache he causes our children. Part of me is screaming to stop the divorce process, but the logical part says, “No more”. I am so very tired. He drove my step-daughter home VERY drunk the other day; luckily nothing happened. I cannot risk that happening with any of my kiddos. The final straw for me was a conversation I found between him and his boss talking about how crazy I am. I confronted him about it and he said he left that conversation up on his FB to test me; to see if I was checking his account. Sad thing is, he was sitting right beside me while having the conversation so I didn’t even have to secretly check his account. I saw it as it was happening. His excuse of “testing me” was so asinine, so completely off the wall that I realized HE is the one who is crazy. How disrespectful can you be? I am 8.5 months pregnant with our 4th child and have had to rely on family to help me get ready for this baby. He has not provided a cent for the necessities (car seat, bottles, etc.). He is completely uninterested and angry about the baby. This baby was unplanned and a complete surprise, but I am trying to see the positive in the situation and know that God has a purpose for this sweet baby. I am a cancer survivor since 2012 and was supposedly “sterile” after the radiation treatments I received, so finding out I was pregnant was a shock. Unfortunately, soon after finding out about the pregnancy, I was diagnosed with recurrent metatastic cancer. I just feel that with so much going on with me physically, escaping the emotional abuse is my best choice for survival. I HAVE to make it through this for my children and for this baby.

  • I have come to realise that I kept letting my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend continue because I am lonely, because I have social anxiety, because I suffer from depression & because I want to hold onto a dream of having a happy home with one person & maybe a child (though that idea is fading away). So most of my reasons for being with him were all about my dreams & my problems (to hopefully be fixed by him…yes & its seems he wanted me to fix his problems too!). I didnt want to see the reality of who he is & see that I must just get on with my life whether he decides to carry on drinking or not. In my own way I have been drunk on love & addicted to romantic ideas of a home, & him as my all. I have let myself fade whilst waiting for him to change. It is terrifying to realise that he may never change (or ever want to change). He says he needs me & loves me (but evidently not enough to stop drinking). When he drinks he will be out all night, he will lose everything, he will give possessions away, he gets attacked. He cannot work/will not work , he cannot think straight, he cannot plan. He lives one day at a time & if he has a drink you might as well forget about him. We cannot live together because I am frightened all this will continue if I move in with him & that there will be no escape. I am waiting for the time when he will die because of what happens to him when he drinks…& in a way I think he has a deathwish & doesn’t care if he does die. I have spent years trying to workout who he is & where our relationship is going & trying to get him to get help. I end up hating friends of his, just because they tolerate his drinking (& sometimes they seem to encourage it). It is tragic & I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone. I see clearly that it is a co dependent relationship & I am so ashamed. I desperately need help & so does he, but we cannot help each other. Please, if anyone is reading this & they have just met their alcoholic boyfriend/girlfriend please just walk away from them & don’t look back & remember your love can make you so blind. The alcohol will always be the third party in the relationship & will be their best friend when you are not there. They will always have another life with alcohol, which does not involve you & you will often be left alone (& often when you least expect it & at times when you need your boyfriend/girlfriend’s love the most). I am typing this with a terrible pain in my heart but I cannot see him again if he continues to drink. My life is a void without him & I am left empty & utterly alone.
    I have things in place to keep me alive, a job, gardening, one or two friends, my own flat, support groups to go to etc but I miss him in a way that colours everyday & everything that I do. Every moment is an uphill struggle. I hope, one day, that I can begin to live without him. My life has nearly been destroyed because of this relationship. I hope we can all find the strength to break away from alcoholism.

  • I am 60 yrs.old and have been with this guy 32 yrs, we are not married.He drinks at work, on the ride home from work and when he gets home..He has a very bad mean streak, my family has tryed to reason with him, so have I.We get bs answers, he has a sister who could careless and a niece. I have watched him go from job to job, we haven’t a dime saved, my family always helps and that bothers me.My dog is even scared of him. I want to leave but have no place to go.He thinks everything is ok. It’s crazy, people shouldn’t live like this.Makes me scared to be here.

  • OMGGGGGGG.. I thought it was just me going throw.. I have been dealing with this for over 26yrs. at first it was everyday. Now he works at nights so he drinks only on the weekend which are bad he don’t drink hard liquid any more. funny he is always going to stop.. my son has seen the police handcuff him when he was younger.. Last draw he missed my son party because he wanted to drink before the party and he likes to drive while drinking no more its a new year coming I have to think about me thank God .. I thought once he got diabetics that would stop him nope he can kill in his on place.. I just want him out he won’t leave so I have to go to court anyone have any advise on getting him out .. My hat is off to the ladies who have left it’s not good way to live with someone who drinks all the time.. Thanks

  • Its sad to read all this. So many lives affected by alcohol. I consider myself pretty smart, but boy was I dumb when it comes to addiction. I am stupified by how it affects and crosses all socio-economic boundaries. It simply takes hostages everywhere. I am a stay at home wife. My youngest is 5 and literally about 5 years ago I told my husband that I will leave when our youngest is 1, just so that he can get the health insurance. Well, its been 5 years and things just came to a head this summer. I literally remember the moment in time that I completely lost all hope and was too tired. Just too tired. I am too tired of taking care of our 3 kids ALL the time. I LOVE them to pieces even on a day like today when 2 of them were complete buggers. I am just tired of having to do everything in our house, take care of bills and everything at school. Even on days when he is home and can attend a school functions, he doesnt go. He was unemployed for 15 months – was fired from his job, but still refused to show up to the kids school for trips or in class volunteering. He simply is so self centered that it is hard to breathe sometimes when I think about it. It is okay for him to hate me or spite me, but how in the world could he do this to our kids. THey are the best little boys around. They get striaght A’s and are well behaved. Of course, they have their moments. Three boys all 2 years apart are bound to get into quarrels. I cry a lot but I have also gone to Al-anon. I have wanted to try the program for a while but with little kids it is near impossible. So finally, I’ve been going for 3 months now. It has put some sanity back into my life as I plan my exit. I am specifically trying not to do anything rushed. I know 3 little boys childhood is at stake and that just makes my cry EVERYTIME. I am crying right now. My plan is to file for divorce after Christmas. I have endured this for 12 years married and 17 years together. It just stinks. I have family support and that is good to know someone has your back and mostly knows what has been going on. However, I find that with family I tend to talk too much about what HE is doing. The alanon program wants you to stop obsessing about him and focus on me, so I reach out to those members on the phone. THat has been a good help. It helps refocus me and tell me I am not crazy. Really, all the stories have already been told at those meetings, its just that different people owns different pieces. I am glad the program is there. December has been hard to attend meetings, but I suggest ALL of you looking for some help or answers, find a meeting or two and make sure you attend at least 6 before you decide to stay or not. It really does take that many to start uncoupling yourself and allow your heart and brain some breathing room. Good luck to you all.

  • I am reading these post and wondering besides love why we go through this. Ive been in my relationship for 12 years married 3 of it. Hes a good man sober. I just hate him drunk. He will scrap change after blowing his check to buy a cheap beer. I have secert accounts to hide money. He has lost his dl again second time. His son is living full time with his father. His famiy disowed him. I love him to death but i cant take it. I need the leaving couragement pls help. Heres another Christmas im spending sitting alone while he passes out. We havnt done anything as a couple in years. I just got a new year promotion and cant get him sober to share news. My kids want come around from my first marriage. I feel so lost and alone as i ly beside him watching him talk in sleep smelling so bad from the open cans by him. I come home from work long days at the hospital to this. Enough is enough but my heart want say it. Why cant he see what hes doing to us, to me?

  • I am 42 years from South Africa. I have married my husband a year ago.we have been married traditionally for 10yrs. The problem is I knew about his problem and I still married him. He does not work because of alcohol. Every time he get a job he does things that will get him fired, he drinks like there is no tomorrow. It affects my children as they have to watch us fight.I do everything financially, pay the mortgage, school fees, transport for the kids ,food even pay somebody do the garden because he he too drunk to do anything.

    He gets up in the morning and come backs late drunk.during school holidays I ask him to stay with the kids but he just leaves them alone. I know in my heart that I have to leave him for good. He disrespect me and tells me that he wished I was dead. I want to divorce him but I don’t him do get anything from me not even a dime because when he works he does not contribute because all his moneygoes to buy alcohol. I have made efforts to help him,but he throws it backto my face

    I has gotten worse that he steal from the house.he even stole my weeding ring and some valuable items from the house.my heart is broken.I feel like he has taken advantage of me.How can I have let this happen to me?. I need help and a good lawyer.



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