When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?

147 Responses to “When is it Time to Leave an Alcoholic?”

1. WendyPiersall.com » Blog Archive » A Community for the Families of Alcoholics on January 31st, 2007 2:35 pm

   [...] Well, even though I write about several different topics around here, the amount of people finding this site because their spouse is an alcoholic is simply overwhelming. [...]

2. Jackie Russell on April 22nd, 2007 2:12 pm

   Your information was the first I found addressing leaving the alcoholic husband. I have been contemplating this move for almost 2 years. I finally made the choice to leave and now he has me backed into a corner. He will not move out and legally I can not force him to move out. I make the house payment so I cant leave so I need to stay until it sells which he will not cooperate with. I am very frustrated!

3. Lori on April 28th, 2007 9:56 pm

   I am in the same boat as jackie. I want him out so me and my kids can live happy stress free lives. He will not leave!! He hates me and my daugher who is 15 but loves the boys. He continually call both of us names etc. I had him arrested in Jan and he went to treatment but now he is back drinking! I said I would divorce him if he went back to drinking so I figure I need to follow thru! What do you all think???

4. cindy on May 3rd, 2007 11:49 pm

   Jackie:
   Don’t know the details of your situation, but sounds much like mine. Just this week, I had enough after three days of drunken tormenting. For years I have been waiting for the “right time”, but the terror he caused me pushed me far enough to get an order of protection and have the sheriff remove him from the home. He was not physically abusing me, but, I tell you what, I felt it was coming. The look in his eyes at times is very, very threatening. Now I don’t know the details of your situation…if there is reason to grant a temporary order of protection, but in my case he was verbally abusive and threatening. The fact that he is an alcoholic with three DUIs probably helped. At any rate, he has been ordered from the home until our court date in two week, then, hopefully a permanent order will be granted to allow me to stay in my home with my son until the divorce settles who gets what. My husband is so far gone, I don’t think he’ll even fight for the home. Although he would say he wouldn’t leave our home because it was his too (a whole other story), I believe he really only wanted to stay because he wanted to maintain “ownership” of me and his son. Me in particular because I am his co-dependent. I know I have a long, hard road ahead because I can’t seem to rid myself of this feeling of pity for him. I feel like this divorce is going to cut his lifeline. My heart is telling me to take care of him and don’t let him fall, while my mind is telling me, “You have to do this or you’ll never be happy.” I am having a roller-coaster of emotions right now that I keep telling myself will get better. Remember, there are others out there in your shoes. You are NOT alone. Good luck to you.

5. Lisa on May 7th, 2007 10:02 am

   I’m in a similar situation. After 10 years together, I am seriously considering separating. Like others, I have “threatened” over the years but I am finally at the end of my rope to where I feel it may actually happen this time. My dilema has always been that I love my husband and I know that he loves me. When he is not drinking or using (he also abuses prescription meds), he is great…a wonderful guy who adores me and the kids. Helps with housework, kids, cooks, etc. But about every two months at least, he has goes through this “acting out” as I call it, where he starts really taking too many pills and drinking heavily. For the period he goes through this, he makes my life hell and is a complete slob, and verbally abusive. My kids see this and that really upsets me. (I have to admit though that because of all the anger built up in me over the years, I’m sure I am somewhat verbally abusive back which I know is not right). Then, once it gets to the point where I have “had enough” and tell him that’s it, and he realizes he is about to lose me, then he starts to come out of it, sincerely apologizes, and tries to do it “my way”, unfortunatley, this only lasts about another couple of months usually. He just can’t seem to handle stress and anytime he is in a stressful/uncomfortable situation, he goes on these “binges”. He is a real people-pleaser and if he feels like he is letting someone down, he gets extremely depressed and starts this cycle again. My problem is that, while I am sick of this lifestyle (no money, no stability, etc), I love him and feel bad turning my back on him. I know alcoholism is a disease and he can’t help it but at the same time, others have overcome it and gotten clean and sober, why can’t he? Any advice anyone?

6. Candace on May 7th, 2007 10:14 pm

   Cindy and Jackie, I feel for you both. I do not know why I am reading this cause….. I already left my husband. Almost one month ago.I think.It has been a rollar coaster ride. We did not have any children together THANK GOD!!! But I have 3 and he has 5. So, long story short… My kids watched and learned all the things a marriage is not supposed to be. We almost made it to our first anniversary. We were together three years. I lost myself. Crazy thing all the signs were there. I let myself get sucked into it anyway. I let him change me. He ended up calling the police dept. and threaten to “hurt himself” well we all know what they do then…anyway now he is sober- about one week today. I am NOT going back!!! Maybe I am reading this to cure my guilt. I am fortunate enough to have friends that allow me and my kids and my dog to stay with them. My kids are happy. Yes he pushed me a couple times, elbowed me in the shoulder once, always “jumped in my face” but never beat me up ya know… I listened and even believed at one time that I was lucky and should be happy cause he wasn’t cheating on me or beating the crap out of me. Man, that is dumb. Now he can’t find me. The peace and quiet is great although, I will have to tell him soon. Just enjoying the break. To all of you…..Remember who you are….Love is not about spending your life miserably..problems ok…but no-one should have to live in bondage of anyone or anything!!!!!

7. Xavier on May 8th, 2007 11:38 pm

   I am in the same boat as all of you however mine is same relationship. It is hard and I blew another great relationship ot try and help him out. What’s worse I let him drive my truck for work sake and he drinks, not always but enought to scare the bugezzus out of me. I have decided to sell the house since I was lucky enough to put it in my name only. Now is trying to sell and see who gets the dogs! It is so hard I completely relate to all of you. Why doesn’t someone help us all out. I agree the stress in unbearable and I do feel isolated since I have no real close friends anymore. Thank you for listening xavier

8. Catherine on May 14th, 2007 4:58 pm

   I left my husband almost a year ago now. He drinks heavily every day. I’m writing for advice….He came to my office during the lunch hour to give me some paperwork. I could tell he had been drinking, but didn’t realize how much until he flew off the handle and started yelling at me in the parking lot. I was in shock as this public display was unlike him in every way. Later that night he called to apologize. He was just getting back to his apartment and called me on his cell. He was slurring his words so badly, I could hardly understand him and HE WAS DRIVING!!! Should I or would you call the police next time I see him driving in this condition? He is going to kill himself or someone else. We just had a drunk driver kill 5 people (3 were babies) last weekend in Las Vegas, a 19 year old kid who was drinking and driving. What would you do?

9. Wendy on May 14th, 2007 5:02 pm

   Catherine -

   There’s really no right answer that is the same for every person.

   Could you live with your decision if you called the cops on him next time and he was furious with you?

   Could you live with your decision if he landed in jail because of your call?

   Or, could you live with your decision if he killed someone next time and you could have stopped it?

   Follow your heart with the answers – you’ll always be led to the right thing to do at the right time.

10. Christine on May 24th, 2007 3:35 pm

    Cindy,
    I don’t know how I ended up on this web-site but for some reason I did and I couldn’t help writing you a comment. You are so brave and I wish the best for you and your son. I am in such a similar situation even down to the 3 DUI’s! I myself am trying to figure a way out. Well, I commend you!

11. Melissa on June 5th, 2007 11:13 pm

    Hello. Im not married, but the father of my baby is an alcoholic, he is on his third dwi. has not worked for his baby at all, he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I have nothing to lose, Sometimes I try not to have to buy his alcohol but I dont know how to quit it other then just leaving him. And then he will get his alcohol somewhere else. He isnt doing any of the programs. Demanded by the court and its sad to say Im waiting for them to pick him up. So I can go on. I had a Sherriff come out to my house to remove him, He ran into the woods. The cop left, I went to town and he was back in the house. I have 3 other children by another marriage, and they dont want him around either. Cause he drinks and the way he does me, Everytime I take him home, He calls me, or I go over there to see if hes ok. and its always that He needs another bottle. OR something else. I dont know what to do, He came back in my HOME! we are NOT married. DFS made us leave his house because of his drinking. NOW he comes over I have to take him home when things are out of control here, and then he finds his way back. So, Im doing everything short of getting an exparte’ I am just hoping and praying they pick him up on his wants and warrants from his DWI. And I know he sinces that. Any suggestions. The Police dont even do their job. So what Do I do, He is using me and sucking off of me, and then turns around and acts like its LOVE… and we have a baby, he said he wanted a second chance, now he is using the baby to sit over here and get his needs. IM WAITING on the LAW to happen. Where are they??? I felt like I was interigated when they came out. NOT HIM!!!

12. Lily Michelle on June 6th, 2007 6:08 pm

    Dear friends (and we all would be if we had the chance) I am here to tell you that if you are strong enough to stay, you are strong enough to leave.
    Don’t waste another minute watching someone you love crash and burn. I stayed for 30 years, left four years ago, for 6 months, during which time my addict husband got sober for all of about 18 months. It was great while it lasted. But when he fell off the wagon he has spiraled down and its worse than before. I am leaving again, this time for good. Get help for yourselves. There are plenty of books and support groups that will help you practice the tools you need to deal with your future. You will be surprised to find out that YOU never needed to heal, you only needed to learn tools to DEAL with things. I promise, there is hope out there. I went on a 12 step program 6 years ago. Learned alot about addiction and how to handle my side of it. Started taking care of myself and became strong enough to leave that first time. I don’t regret coming back, I’m just very sad to see where he is now and I now know its not my job to rescue him anymore. I love him and God loves him and my heart can’t watch him crash and burn. And you already know the story – he will crash and burn eventually. I’m not going down with him this time. Seek help and when you all are ready, you’ll know it. Books are cheap. 12 step programs are life saving. Its not necessary for your addict to be in one for you to be. Help is available. Ask for it.
    ~ Peace and Blessings to all of us. Addicts and Partners, children and families, we all have the right to be happy. Take care.
    LM

13. Tanya on June 19th, 2007 9:07 am

    Ok well i am not married to a drunk but my father is a drunk… I have 2 kids and living with my parents for the time being b/c me myself just got out a divorce. The past 8mths has been horrible. My father is an alcoholic and my mother is just with him b/c they have tooo many bills for her to do it on her own and for him to do it on his own. Though my mother has falling out of love with him and everytime he walks in the door she feels as though she is going to throw up. I have recently found out that i have a bleeding ulcer from all the stress that has been brought up in this house. My mom has threatened to leave him for 21 years now but never happened. Though he has no place to go and neither does she. We have lost all contacts with our friends b/c of his drinking and the way he treats us. He is abusive in everyway. Just a few weeks ago he popped me so hard on the mouth i had to go to job interviews with a bubbled up lip and they wouldn’t hire me b/c of it. He threatens me and my kids. He has put his hand up to my mom. Though she is very capable of protecting herself. I tell my mom that this is nothing i want to live in and i want to leave though she tells me that she needs me here to keep her from going insane. She believes that if i leave i am leaving her and not the situation. I don’t know what to do to help my mom from this situation. I just really want all of us out but she keeps bringing up the money situation.

14. kl on June 26th, 2007 10:11 am

    Talk about confusing. I married my husband and something in the back of my mind said “i wasnt sure” but i did anyway. I’ve been married 10 yrs and have had lots of people “on my side” or they just like the excitement. His family both mother and father drink. when i met him he had 2 DUI now he did it, on his 3rd and threw out all the alcohol in the house as far as i can see and immediately goes to AA. I’m thinking time to get out now and i tell him to and he insists its his house. He doesnt drink everyday only when sports and social events and get out of control. but of course not anymore. we have lots of animals and for me to leave i make govt clerk salary which is always a fine line. as my life has always been and probably will always be a fine line. i am attractive and well educated too and nothing in my pocket. i wonder if my outcome will be the same—probably living on the edge.

    (Please excuse me, inside i’m being a little silly, if something may sound funny–im being serious)

15. Willow on July 8th, 2007 1:13 pm

    I’ve fallen in love with a man I have been dating almost two years. We have been talking about getting married. But he has a drinking problem. Up till recently he has stayed within my boundaried (I think). He had 2 DUI’s over 7 years ago but I have found out he is still drinking and driving. I’ve told him the ONLY way I would stay with him was if he got help. I’ve giving him some time to make his decision. I’m doing my best to get through this. I know if is the only decision for my and my 16 year old son. All he needs is a drunk in the house for an example. I just want and need to hear I am doing the right thing although I already know it in my heart. Some incouraging words and prayers are welcome.

16. Tammy on July 14th, 2007 9:48 pm

    Well, of course I am in the same boat as all of you. My husband is an alcoholic, and he will say that he is. He was sober seven years, and he has unsuccessfully “tried” to get sober since April of this year. We have three great kids’ that would be devastated if I were to make my husband get out. He is emotionally immature and will make childish comments belittling my going back to school. Although, this is probably just is own insecurity. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my kids’. I came from a broken home and it was tough. He says that I am abandoning him when I ask him to leave. He is not abusive just a very sad person…he tells me he is sorry for being an alcoholic. I feel terrible, but I don’t want to live like this. Thanks for listening.

17. metoo on July 15th, 2007 9:44 pm

    Willow! DON’T DO IT! Step back and stay back.

18. Kris on July 25th, 2007 12:11 am

    I have been married 13 years. We have a child with special needs. My husband is a drinker. Doesn’t drink at home, but comes home three sheets to the wind at least two to three times a week. He is emotionally and verbally abusive to both myself and our son. He has hit me twice in that 13 years and I did call the police. I wanted to force him into an alcohol abuse/anger management program. He did it as long as it was court-ordered and then resumed drinking. He has always threatened to “disappear” so I would get no support from him. He also says he will never leave the house. We are deeply, deeply in debt due to his spending habits and drinking. The worst thing is, I do still love him but I am at the end of my rope. I don’t know what I would do without his monetary support and especially insurance. I have recently had my own health problems in addition to the cost of our son’s needs. I see no way of setting aside any money to escape, short of not paying the bills. Of course, this would hurt me just as much as him, and make it that much harder to find a place to live (most places do a credit check). We also have pets and our son is a handful. I would probably have the cops at my door and be evicted because of noise when son throws tantrums (he’s 15, bipolar and autistic). On the other hand, even if I were able to have my husband removed, there’s no way I can afford to stay in this house. House couldn’t even be sold for what we owe at this point. Husband started remodeling 7 years ago and it is still half finished. I do work from home but my income is only around $1,200 a month. Husband makes $5,000 to $6,000 a month and we live check to check and often have to take money advances on CC or from home equity to keep the bills current. I just don’t know what to do and feel trapped. I know the stress is killing me and it only aggravates things with our son, but I don’t know how we could possibly survive without his income and benefits, since I have none. I felt blessed to find the job I have now because working outside the home I never lasted more than a few years because of issues with our son. Since husband is primary wage earner, I have always been the one to quit my job and stay home with him until we got him stabilized again. Most former employer referrals not good due to number of phone calls and having to leave work to retrieve son from school when they couldn’t deal with him. Sorry so long, just trying to paint an adequate picture. I not only have a drunk and abusive husband but the added stress of a child with special needs who is very challenging to deal with. Husband has never been involved with our son other than to yell, belittle and sometimes be physically abusive to him. He has never been there to help out. It’s my fault our son is the way he is. He doesn’t feel the need to do anything at home and demands to be waited on since he earns more money.

19. francheska on August 1st, 2007 9:24 pm

    When ur husband refuses to leave the house, can u still file for a divorce? drinking is the problem, he already had his first DWI, and still drinks. How can I make him leave the house and file a divorce? I have told him to leave, but refuses…
    Please need some advise as of what to do. He keeps asking for opportunities, but never changes and I know he never will, everytime he promises he will stop he falls again.

20. amber on August 2nd, 2007 7:31 am

    willow, ‘
    He will not change!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Please dont fool yourself. If you tie yourself to this man you will face years of soul shattering abuse, and your child will lose respect for you. Seriously look at this situation and ask yourself what you would tell your best friend or sister if she were in the same position. Then take your own advise. This is your life and your child just is along for the ride with no other option. It is not fair for you to expose him to this type of relationship. You are to protect your children, please think of him. I am in a similiar situation. Married to a drunk. Divorced him, then was stupid enough to beleive he changed and went back to him. It started all over again and have lost the respect of my oldest child, 15 yr old girl, and son is seeing his father in light no child should have to. Am in the process of leaving. Been squirelling away $ so I can. Am a Full time nursing student, work full time, hard as hell, but my kids are worth it. Please dont put yourself in this situation!!

21. Monica on August 5th, 2007 7:10 am

    Dear Willow,
    WOW! As I was reading you comment I noticed that you are not yet married to this man. IF there ALREADY a doubt in your mind DON’T ignore it… I hope that you are strong enough just to walk away I know that it is harder than it sounds but PLEASE don’t put you and your son through a situation like that…. it isn’t worth it… you end up loosing more in the end. I left my ex for that same reason… Alcohol leads to many issues in a marriage… and I know that you don’t want to be one of those people as me that it took something real bad to happen to you and your son to leave him. At first, my ex, wasn’t all that bad (at least I thought) but then it got abusive after 8 years!!!! It really ended up damaging my son. He is still afraid of the idea of EVER seeing him again… he was there to watch him hit me while drunk! Please think about it and do what is best for your son and yourself… The best to you and yours!

22. AK on August 14th, 2007 4:51 pm

    Lori,
    I think you have made the right decision. I was in your exact same situation, but I was not married, thank goodness, but his anger with my children drove me so far away I couldn’t find my way back. It has been a very long and difficult road. I think leaving for the kids is better than any reason at all.

23. Kathy on August 24th, 2007 12:56 pm

    I’m separated from my husband of 13 yrs. We both got sober about 12 yrs ago and things were good. I found out 4 months ago he’s been secretly drinking for 2 yrs. I’ve moved in and out so many times it’s a joke. I know in my heart he’s cheating on me. He promised 2 xs to quit drinking, but of course didn’t follow through. He came home drunk and told me he would not quit drinking and if I didn’t like it get out. I got out and find if I don’t have contact with him, I’m fine. I truly love him, but he truly loves alcohol. I have a good job and my children are married and doing well. I just need to be able to let go and take care of myself. I’m trying to do that now. Its so difficult knowing that he knows what he needs to do to get & stay sober, but is not willing or able to stop drinking. When I met him we were both drunks. He was unemployed, no car, lived with his parents (he was 32 yrs old). He got sober and started making 6 figure salary, drives a Mercedes, country clubs, the works. His income is falling, his car is a mess and the guys at the club are commenting on his drunken behavior…..he fell far already and I’m sure will crash and burn. I love him, but its time to take care of myself and realize there is nothing I can do for him. I wish him well and pray for him – but cannot be a part of the life he has chosen. I also realize I can’t gamble my future on whether or not he’ll quit drinking. I know from personal experience it’s tough to stop even when you want to – so the idea of him stopping while still wanting to drink is ridiculous

24. Kymber on August 26th, 2007 4:53 pm

    yes leave – go – do it now – all of you contemplating – do not waste another day of your precious lives! Life is far too short to live like this, there is a better life out there for you, just go and find it – you deserve a happy life so start planning and doing and trust that it will come because happiness will happen if you allow it to

25. Michele on September 5th, 2007 4:57 pm

    Why do I feel so embarrassed at being in the same situation as so many of these ladies…I thought It could never happen to me…thought I was too smart. After 15 years, two wonderful children, who I want to have grow up the rest of their childhood with a healthy emotional environment, I have asked him to leave the house. He will not. He has nowhere to go and no money. He’s desperate and thought that spouses were supposed to help “in good or bad times”…how come he never helped in my bad times? Just critisized. How do I get him out? I’ve made mistakes that make me think I will not be able to get what I need in a divorce…but I don’t want to be financially responsible for his bad choices to the detriment of my kids…it’s so hard to figure out where to go to get help – I go from being strong and not putting up with it to completely withering, blithering and emotional basketcase. If I only had a resource out there that told me: you can do this, find this information there, fill out this form…then do this…
    It’s hard to be a working mum, paying all the bills, doing all house repairs, balancing a demanding career, give the kids that attention that and still find time without him finding out, to get all the information together….oh well, onward and upward…

26. Michele on September 5th, 2007 4:58 pm

    Why do I feel so embarrassed at being in the same situation as so many of these ladies…I thought It could never happen to me…thought I was too smart. After 15 years, two wonderful children, who I want to have grow up the rest of their childhood with a healthy emotional environment, I have asked him to leave the house. He will not. He has nowhere to go and no money. He’s desperate and thought that spouses were supposed to help “in good or bad times”…how come he never helped in my bad times? Just critisized. How do I get him out? I’ve made mistakes that make me think I will not be able to get what I need in a divorce…but I don’t want to be financially responsible for his bad choices to the detriment of my kids…it’s so hard to figure out where to go to get help – I go from being strong and not putting up with it to completely withering, blithering and emotional basketcase. If I only had a resource out there that told me: you can do this, find this information there, fill out this form…then do this…
    It’s hard to be a working mum, paying all the bills, doing all house repairs, balancing a demanding career, give the kids the attention that they need and still find time without him finding out, to get all the information together….oh well, onward and upward…

27. Tom on September 15th, 2007 9:17 am

    I would like to submit the experience from another view. I’, a once again recovering alcoholic. I was married 10 years after being sober for 9 Years. After being married for 2 years I gradually started going to less meetings and then eventually to none. My wife at the time had started to experience the subtle signs of a non drinking alcoholic till it got to the point where I had grown down to a 5 year old. That took 8 years. We divorced. This was because of all the tings you folks describe. we are homw wreckers we have no respect, we abuse mentally and verbally, yet there is hope. when a woman wants to leave their alcoholic husband don’t be afraid to do it. it’s the only way he will get sober if he truely admitted that his life is so screwed up that he as a drunk can;t stand it anymore. good mluck to all I have enjoted reading this page.

28. pat on September 16th, 2007 5:17 pm

    I almost cried when reading the posts. I dearly loved my alcoholic husband for 15 years. I defended him made excuses for him did everything I knew to make HIM happy. He was verbally abusive to me, but I overlooked it thinking he had problems and I must support him. He was violent, hitting my car trunk, throwing cans of beer near me, hitting the wall. I thought, well, he has never hit me and says he never would. He started cussing at my son, and that is when I KNEW he had to get out. I got a domestic violence restraining order against him and he was put out of my house. Yet, I still felt like I loved him and saw him after that. We broke up several times after that. He divorced me and even though I tried over and over to get him to talk to me about the divorce, he ignored me. At the time I was devestated. He got the divorce, and I stupidly contacted him and we tried again. After 3 months of seeing him again, I realized I could not take it anymore. He would come over drunk, fall down drunk, yell at me and call me names. He was even worse than when we lived together. He drives drunk as he did when we lived together. last time he was over here he insulted me saying I was no good in bed, even though he has been impotent for several years. Told me he would find someone else, I told him to go ahead and to leave. I FINALLY realized he has nothing at all to offer me. He called me a week ago just to ask how I was doing, ha. Talked to him and he was civil until I told him he could not come over here at a moment’s notice, then he started yelling and putting me down and for once I did the same to him. He hung up the phone. I am so much happier without him. Believe me, most drunks never change. Even if they stop for a while, most will start back drinking. My mother was married to my alcoholic father and she committed sucide slowly until she died. I WILL NOT end up like her. PLEASE leave the alcoholic you deserve better, no matter what it takes. Living with them is truly and will always be a living Hell.

29. Amber on November 5th, 2007 1:44 am

    To All of You,

    Your stories hit home with all of us. It’s unfortunate that we all are going through this same dillemma but it is refreshing to have each for support.

    I have been with an alcoholic for over a year. I knew this was the case going into the relationship but at that time, my partner had been sober for six months. The relationship was all I could have asked for and more but as we all know, the relapse was just around the corner. I have been through some of the best moments and worst moments of my life with my partner. I have threatened to leave, left, and then returned to a momentary perfect world. I am so angry with myself because I have sacrificed so much for this person – I have comprimised my core beliefs and principles all in hopes of making them love me more and making us work. My partner always says I’m the best thing they have ever had and that forever is what they want with me.

    I have been hanging on to these statements for some time now. I am completely exhausted and know what I need to do. I need to take the risk of leaving in hopes that they will seek help. But it is sooooo difficult. Any words of wisdom and encouragement would help right now!

30. Rita on December 11th, 2007 10:02 am

    The stories are so familar. Married to an alcoholic for 22 years. He broke his neck twice from two car wreaks had to were a halo the second time has become very verbally abusive. I will start a new year I will get my divorce in January. God will see me through this

31. nancy on January 7th, 2008 9:33 pm

    I have been married to my husband for 36 years. His alcohol abuse is getting worse. He is demeaning to me and has been unfaithful a number of times. I am seriously considering filing for divorce. I am scared as I am almost 60 years old. I have rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and a colon mass. I only work part time and don’t know how I could take care of myself on my own…but anything would be better than this. His 94 year old father has moved in with us; which has made my husband even more demeaning to me. I constantly back away from him and retreat into my own world. I have dear friends, but find that I’m becoming more and more withdrawn from everything. Any suggestions out there??? I’m at my wits end.

32. C on January 14th, 2008 12:13 am

    I don’t want to put down my name but I will say that so much of this spoke to me. I just left my husband a week ago. I haven’t been sleeping well since doing so, worrying about him (and feeling guilty because I know I broke his heart when I left…even though I know I shouldn’t be feeling guilty) and wondering if he’s okay. I came home once to our house and he had almost burned it down…passed out on the bed with a house full of smoke. A pot melting on the stove…and an empty vodka bottle in the trash…barely.
    I have begged…..threatened…pleaded….done everything I could do and finally, one day, while I was looking through the files for something, I found emails from his ex to her friend and she was talking about him in them….she was leaving him and my god….the words she was writing were soul shattering….because…I thought..MY GOD…this is ME and HIM!!!
    That was the defining moment for me. I thought….if I don’t get out now, he’ll destroy me.
    It’s been hard because in spite of the fact that I know what I did was right, I care for him. He is such a good man.
    But then again, they all are…..deep down inside.
    I read something once and it really made an impact to me…and I hope it helps someone else…..it was “All alcoholics are angry people. They are angry at someone, or something, in their lives that they have never really dealt with. All the ‘reasons’ they drink are actually not the reason they drink…….all those ‘reasons’ simply do is trigger the REAL unresolved conflict in their lives and until they deal with that thing…until they let go of that rage against that person or thing that is inside of them…they will always drink”
    It’s not about us. It’s about them.
    Alcoholics can’t love you because they hate themselves.
    You will never be their wife or their girlfriend (or boyfriend if you are a man and you are reading this)…you will be their victim. You will be their prisoner of war.
    If you stay, you will be in hell and it will be your choice.
    I choose LIFE……

33. Daisy on January 18th, 2008 2:00 pm

    I am 43 and have been married to a alcoholic for 19 years. We have been together since we were both 17. I now know that it was my destiny to marry an alcoholic. Since I grew up with an alcoholic father. My husband promised me that he wouldn’t drink anymore, but continued to drink behind my back. His attitude was that no one is going to tell him what to do! He resented me greatly during that time. He told me that he deliberately withheld affection and love from me because I was trying to control his drinking. During this time I felt so unloved and neglected that I had an affair with a much younger man. He made me feel special and alive. I realized what I was missing. The affair did not last long. I felt guilty and ended it. My husband continues to drink and still withholds affection. I confronted him and told him I am very unhappy being his wife. I confessed to him that during the time he withheld affection/love from me I was unfaithful. I told him that because of his love for alcohol he pushed me into the arms of another man by neglecting my emotional needs. I then told him that I want him to move out. He’s in denial about his drinking. We have three children and I know this will be an adjustment for them, but I cannot continue to live with an alcoholic husband who loves his alcohol more than his wife and kids. I finally see the light and know that he will never change. I realize life is short and I deserve better. I deserve to be happy and to live without all this anger that I am haboring inside. I know the road ahead will not be easy, but I realize that I have to save myself and our children. Please wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

34. slow learner on February 2nd, 2008 4:09 am

    I wasn’t sure that a search for “leaving an alcoholic” would turn up anything, but I am glad it lead me here, although I would have preferred a step by step instruction manual. I know it’s time to suck it up and end this even though I dread the hassle and embarassment. This can’t go on. I want off this emotional rollercoaster once and for all. The part that sickens me the most is that I did find the courage to leave him after 18 years together – 9 years ago. And then I missed him so much I spent a year getting him back. DUH! If you look up “slow learner” you’ll see my picture. I had paid him out then, we divorced, the house was mine, and voila, here I am. Now it’s been 27 years and I have to go through it all over again. This time I am going to move out because there is no way to get him to leave willingly. And I would rather make the mortgage payment here than give him hundreds of thousands to just blow. Plus the way he’s going, his liver has to crap out eventually and then the house will be mine. Not that I even give a shit about the house, I just want peace of mind. Tonite it finally got violent. He took a swing at me, hit me in the face and shoved me so hard I flew across the room, but when I got up he was standing at the top of the stairs and I helped him get speed and altitude. Now there is a hole in the drywall, a broken ornament, a toppled plant and dirt all down the stairs to commemorate the moment I finally snapped. I thought maybe I’d killed him, but no, he made it back upstairs to bleed all over the bed. I wish I could say I felt bad seeing him lie at the bottom of the stairs, but I really did not. I was amazed that I actually shoved him as hard as I could down the stairs, it was surreal, but I didn’t feel especially bad about doing it. I always swore if he ever hit me, it would only happen once. I am so thankful there are no children involved and that financially I will be all right. I wish to hell I hadn’t wasted all these years thinking if I just did X, Y, And Z, things would change and he would finally choose me over drinking. God I am so tired, so lonely and so sad.
    I pray that each of you finds strength and peace. Life really is too short. Willow, for God’s sake run!! Save yourself. Please. Warning signs are a gift from God, a chance to take another path. Ignore them and live to regret it. As do I.

35. susan on February 10th, 2008 12:13 am

    I’ve been married to an alcoholic for almost 30 years. I left him the first time after three years of marriage but came back. I left – and threatened to leave – at least 20 times over the years since then. We have two adult children – both with drug and alcohol problems. I love my husband but have never had a good time with him. Holidays, vacations, special events, are all ruined by his drinking. At this point in my life, there’s nothing better to be found elsewhere. Being unhappy and angry for 30 years has caused me to have health problems and age badly. If you’re married to an alcoholic, my advise is to get out of the marriage now, because it doesn’t get any better.

36. Tamara on February 12th, 2008 3:27 am

    oh ladies, i wish i had it in me to just pick up and leave. what i would give for an ounce of courage. we’ve been doing this same old crap for about 7 years. i don’t know how i ended up hating myself so much that i would stay and do this for so long. when did i decide that i didn’t deserve to be happy? we’re not married, we don’t have children together. i can’t even have my daughter. how did i get myself into this? how did i get so sick? i hate myself and everything about me and my life and i just want it to stop. i don’t know why i can’t leave. i’ve been to alanon but they try to teach you how to live with an alcoholic. i want to learn to live without one. please…..someone help me. the person i was or am or could be is dying.

37. Ginger on February 20th, 2008 2:56 am

    I am in a predicament with my spouse. He has now broken his promise of quitting drinking 3 times! I was all packed and ready to leave him, a couple weeks ago, and I broke down before I could leave because I couldn’t understand how he could just stand by and watch me and our 3 children leave. My mom is trying to convince me to leave him for a year, and that this would be the only thing that will sober him up. He promised me he’d quit, and that it wasn’t as big a deal as I was making it. He has been to 2 AA meetings, and I went to one to support him, and then I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last week. Then tonight when he was calling me on his way home from work, I could tell something wasn’t right. For one, he was late calling, and since he works where there’s a bar, that is a red flag. I called him back to question him about it and he began denying that he drank, and said he was at a convenient store buying a soda and getting gas…BINGO! We didn’t need gas in the van because I drove it last night & saw how much gas there was. So as soon as he pulled up, I walked out to him and got into the car so I could “discuss” the situation w/o the kids hearing. Oh yah…he was drunk! He couldn’t even look at me, and he even got teary eyed and told me he was ashamed of himself. A ploy to get me to feel sorry for him, and forgive him…AGAIN! He is a sneaky one, and will lie at a whim to cover his *ss! He’s in for a rude awakening if he thinks I’m gonna put up with him any longer…I’ve grown intolerant! I am currently a homemaker, but I do have a degree, and WILL put it to use. I knew I was drawn by God to further my education back when I did, because I had a gut instinct I just may need it in the future. What a sad sad situation this has become!

38. kate on February 28th, 2008 11:21 am

    my husband and i have been together or seven years, and he is an alcoholic. We have three beautiful children who i’m afraid are being terribly affected by this. While my husband is not physically abusive, He blames me or the kids or everything that goes wrong, in a loud verbally abusive way. I have been contemplating leaving for years but I have a hard time making decisions. Lately I’ve been looking at apartments to rent and really struggling with this. The problem now is that we live in a very small rural community and my amily lives across the country. So i would be literally alone,also my husbands father who has in the past also told me to leave him has terminal cancer and has only been given a short time to live. I don’t know what to do,I can’t stand to hear my kids tell us to stop fighting anymore I don’t believe that things are going to get better. what do I do??????????????? lost and need help.

39. Penny on March 7th, 2008 2:44 pm

    As I sit here and read I am in total shock! I divorced (2001) my alcoholic that I married back in 1999. I am so disappointed in myslef that I have allowed myself to stay in the circle of abuse. We do not live together I refused to live with him until he got sober and proved it. If I saw him and he was drunk I would leave or make him leave.
    As much as I was proud for setting groud rules and sticking by them I still could not break away totally. I am ashamed of my self. Please hear me when I say IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE AS THEY LOSE CONTROL OF YOU!!!! I hate the fact he is so abusive and evil and yet I go back for more.
    I have my own business, I got both of my kids (not his) out of college debt free, I own my home, not in debt and usually I am far from stupid except when it comes to this situation. I read one person say she feels pity for him and that is my down fall. He is so pitifull. But I am working very hard at reminding myself that if I choose to be with him at all then his alcohol problem becomes mine and I REFUSE to go down with him. I even had a rubber band on my wrist eerytime he called I would SNAP it! From experience I would say first don’t be so hard on yourselves. This is not an easy situation anyway you look at it. Alcoholics are charming and like me you may never understand how could they hide that till after you are married. We have to also take it one day at a time. Be kind to ourselves and BE STRONG.
    My kids are grown but I have seen the loss of respect for me in their eyes. I have heard it in their words. All of which made me pity him more. So DO IT FOR YOUR OWN SANITY!!! I can tell you the road may be hard but it wont be as hard as how you have lived!!! You are worth having a life of stability and peace! Take it and run. Once you are out of it good things will follow.
    I wish all of you the best and please remember be kind to yourselves these are hard shoes to walk in!

40. Pam on March 13th, 2008 9:21 am

    I left my alcoholic husband about a month ago. I had tried to leave his so many times before. I am so ashamed of both staying as long as I did and leaving him! The first month was like a vacation. I slept so much better in a quiet peaceful home. Now, I those feelings of pity and concern form him are creeping back in. I am starting to remember the “good times” even though they were very few and far between. I believe being co-dependent is as hard to break as it is for the alcoholic to give up the booze. Starting over at 50 is hard enough. I am so afraid of the unknown. So ashamed of a failed marriage. So embarrassed by my husband outlandish lies that he is telling every one. He has gone so far as to forge an vulgar email that he claims I wrote to him and send it to my parents and children, showing them what a bad person I am. He also has a “myspace” site when he published his lies including pictures of me and my family. I have cut my hair to try and change my appearance. I know his family believes his lies. I am so embarrassed and ashamed. Denying his accusations makes me feel guilty! I feel like I am living in so horror movie or some alternate reality. But, it is REAL! My lawyer tells me in time this will stop. I don’t want to burden my friends and family and I sure don’t want them to see these things. I feel so very alone and broken. What I know is really crazy is that I ever have doubts! Co-Dependent, I know, that is what it is. My life is insane. The good news is, I stopped smoking, drinking and screaming and yelling over a year ago. I have taken the approach that the only thing I can change is myself, so I have been working at that. But, he didn’t change. I did. That that “new me” had to leave. I am glad to have found this site. I don’t know if anyone will actually read this, but it was a relief to just “talk” to some one. Thank You

41. FoxyMay on March 29th, 2008 11:38 pm

    Hi, I am 35 years old and have been married to an alcoholic for going on 4yrs. The bad thing is that I married him knowing he was an alcoholic. We have a 3 year old, who is at the age where when his dad stays out all night and all day he notices and wonders where he is. I have several reasons why I am ready to leave: 1) I refuse to continue lying to my 3-year old son about his father irresponsible behavior, (2) I don’t feel as if I have nothing to lose, he is not only an alcoholic but a lousy spouse, (no communicaiton, provides no help with househould chores, very dirty, I have to clean after him like I am cleaning after my 3-year old son
    (3) I don’t want to be one of those wives who have been married 20 years to such behavior, then I will be wondering my son is like that. He uses drinking as getting back to me (or so he says) when we get into an argument, but I don’t believe him. (Again, immature actions for a 44 year old man). He is very immature and I refuse to continue to be married to someone who is so immature and irresponsible and thinks drinking is his answer to make a marriage work. Today, we had an arguement and I thougth everything was okay because he called me several times today while he was at work. Well unbeknown to me, he had already planned on going drinking with his drinking buddies, (I don’t believe they are his friends, because they only hang together when it involves drinking). Well, he was suppose to get of work at 10:00pm and normally he would get home at 11:00pm. I called him and asked him where he was and he stupidly lied and told me he was at work. I told him he was lying, because I heard people in the background, at that time he said let me call you back and hung up and I never heard from him again. Well, I am actually waiting on an emergency locksmith to come and change the lock to the house, because he is not coming in this house today or tomorrow. I realize that this will only be a short term solution, because I won’t be able to keep him out like this forever, but it gives me a little time to figure out where I can go with my son. I don’t have very much family here, so I am considering a shelter. I don’t know if they will take me, because there is really not any abuse. I am just tired and refuse to be in a marriage where I am absolutely not the slight bit happy just miserable and feeling stuck.

42. sarah on April 11th, 2008 8:03 pm

    This Is for Catherine . Oh My God yes you 100% need to call the police next time you know that your ex is drinking and driving . he could and will eventualy kill someone . How would you feel if you knew that you could of stopped hime from killing himself or someone else . It is an disease we know this much is true we know that it also will get worse with time we know of the diffrent classes of drunks . I have been with a alcoholic for 12 years I am also a Daughter of a alcoholic . Neither have laid a hand on me or where verbaly abusive well i have been called names by my husband after hes been drinking all night i dont take it to heart its the alcohol . I guess that the point that I am trying to make is that I live in a form of denial over this whole situation . He has lost his license twice in the past three years . His father was hit by a drunk driver he was in a comma for a month and had to regain all ability to walk talk ect…. he has very little memory of his life befor the accident. My husband still choose to get behind the wheel twice even after he watched his dad go through all of that . I have exausted every ounce I have left in myself to make him better . He will never get better till he does it for himself . Alcoholics want to get better when they are going through there guilt faze, they feel sorry for what they have done or said . (mine when he binges will leave on a Friday and will not come home till the moneys gone) mean while Im at home with three kids trying to act nomal for the kids while there are bills and grocerys ect.. that need to be done . When he does find his way home he feels extreme guilt and I know that he means it because hes a great man with a huge heart . He will stay sober TOPS 3 months then the cravings get the best of him . Its reality that this is what my life has become I try not to let him leave the house without me so I can babysit he must walk everywhere because he has no license . I hide all eveidence of the drinking because the family is very concerned and they all take it out on me when they should be confronting them .Its very hard to not trust someone that you love so much . He has not cheated on me I dont trust him to leave to go to the store without thinking that he will have to stop at the bar first . I know that I am rambling there are so many things running through my head about this terrible disease that destroys so many lives in so many diffrent ways . I know that I am not the only one in a situation like this so for the ones like me . Who dont want to leave because the kids and when hes sober hes #1 DAD and there dad is there world . I have sheltered my kids from almost every situation involving there dad drunk , he actualy has enough sense not to come home while the kids are awake , there has been a few times that I knew that things wouldnt turn out nice so i called the police and the would take him to lock up , and i have had him removed from the home by my brother in law and a few other times I would simply leave to have a sleep over at nanna and pappas . You must protect your kids from seeing or hearing anything that they shouldnt it .I know that he will not change there has already been more than a few what I or you would consider rock bottom . Wow once i get going I cant stop , No one I know has a problem like me they all think its easy just leave him ! Its not Its very painfull and its the hardest theing that I will ever do ! Its always in the back of my head (will he change after I leave him or will he get worse ) I know that me and the kids are the only thing at this point that keep him above water . He also has a full time job and he soley supports our family , so Im talking a semi functional drunk . Never let your drunk ex drive going to jail just might help him .

43. Rob on May 3rd, 2008 12:40 pm

    Amber… ditto.

    I’ve been with this amazing person for almost a year and a half. I knew shortly after the beginning of the relationship, that he had a drinking problem. He said he had been sober for many years… but he continuously falls of the wagon every couple of months. Usually when everyday stresses get to much for him. I’ve tried to leave before… and came back. a couple of times. Last night, he was over 5 hours late coming home… i went to his studio, and he was passed out drunk. He came home last night at 2:30 am, and has been sleeping every since. I’m tired of being unhappy… i’m tired of the stress. I know what i need to do, it is just so hard. It is so hard to leave someone you love… someone who is obviously in need.

    I grew up in an alcoholic house, and do not what that live again. wish me luck…

44. chris on May 5th, 2008 12:16 am

    Wow,
    I’m in tears. I’ve been dating and living with an alcoholic for two and half years. Broken promise after broken promise, i have no trust in him anymore. I should have known – before I dated him he had passed out in his car while driving and totalled his car, also had a DUI. Over the course of the relationship he’s continued to drive drunk and be inappropriate when he’s drunk. He says he doesn’t have a drinking problem. The denial is thick and his profession/job is a “wine guy.” Some one help knock me over the head and tell me to run. There are so many fears and insecurities running in my head. Do I want to marry an alcoholic? and have children with this man? I want to leave but as we all know we start to second guess ourselves. Any words of advice would help me.

45. Riva on May 5th, 2008 6:35 pm

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 34 years. He finally decided to get sober 7 years ago when our first grandchild was almost 2 years old. He managed to carry on in a relatively successful business while an alcoholic; I have a good job so I managed to cover for us when things went awry. Once sober, he maintained a passion for his work and the good, sound decent person in him started to emerge more and more. Almost a year ago he relapsed and has become a stranger in a lot of ways. I believe the trigger was his inability to continue running his business in the manner he was used to. The loneliness is overwhelming and he has run us into a lot of financial debt that he first lied about. He has isolated himself from our grandchildren unless they come to our home… totally lost interest in their hockey games, visiting them, although they do not live very far. I know they miss him too. He has lost all interest in finding work (although he claims he loves to work hard) and hides his drinking. I am really at my wit’s end as unfortunately the man I’ve known has turned into an apparent child who does not know nor care that there are people around him who care. I’ve come to a place where I have gone through the “questions” and somehow leaving may be the only thing to do. It’s hard to think of it as I don’t want to desert him but, as my wise daughter says “you’ve been through this enough and he knows he can always fall back on you”.

46. amy on May 12th, 2008 11:13 am

    I just wanted to say that I understand everyone of you. I have been in a relationship with what I call an alchoholic for 9 years now. we both used to go out, like couples do and have drinks over dinner or go to the bar on saturdays, but… that wasn’t the only time he drank. He would always, and still does, start to drink by 3 o’clock if not a little sooner everyday, not a few times a week, but every single day. we have gotten into so many arguments and it stems from his drinking – the way he would get jealous, the way he would talk down to me, make up arguments, or blow up over the most trivial things ever. I havn’t drank for a good 5 years now. I have begged in the beginning for him to stop or at least cut down. after all it isn’t the “couple of beers” that is the problem, it’s the 18 pack later when he can’t hold his eyes open or he wants to make up senerios in his head of how he thinks people are against him. We had another argument last night, over stupid crap. I have threatened to leave in the past, nothing has changed. I have written letters, pouring my heart out, and nothing changed. I realize that I am to blame for having my 10 year old daughter hear us fight, and to see her get so upset it makes me sooo angry at myself for going on like this for so long. I am at the end of my rope. I need to get away from this situation that I know in my hear will never change. I am just so afraid to do it.

47. Eva on May 14th, 2008 1:41 am

    Oh Boy. There are so many of us with exactly the same problems. That makes me sad. I married an alcoholic 27 years ago when I was 21. One of the alcoholics that does all the crazy stuff. Worked infrequently and kept what he made for himself. Had affairs and got VD. Had 3 DUI’s, lost the car one night (we had to drive around for hours trying to find it), brought home a guy from a bar that robbed us. After 4 years of that I changed the locks, packed his stuff and typed up the divorce papers myself. I felt guilty. I worried about him becoming a bum and sleeping in the park. Actually he found another wife who eventually left him and probably another one after that. I want to say to the gals that are dating these guys and thinking about marrying them…DON’T! For those that want to leave…do it if you can. I grieved for several months and then I went on to have a happy life for the next several years. Getting him out of my house was a huge weight off my shoulders. My last comment is don’t think you understand the disease better when you are older and get involved with another alcoholic. That is where I am at right now. The first marriage scared me away from marriage and I never married again. Now I’m 48 years old and have been living with another alcoholic for 6 years. He is unemployed, won’t shower, won’t shave, won’t brush his teeth BUT he is a sweet, gentle person and I feel too guilty to kick him out. I don’t want to retire with a person that is drinking themselves to death and has no income or medical insurance. I’ve worked hard all my life and can’t believe I’ve gotten myself into this situation AGAIN. I practice in my head what I will say to him so he will leave but I can never go through with it. I worry that he will hurt himself or end up on the streets. I am afirefighter and I run medical aids on alcoholics all the time. They end up with distended stomachs, horrible GI bleeds, Hepatitis. It makes me sad that this is what what will become of my boyfriend and I feel guilty that I don’t want to care for him when that time comes. I feel selfish and guilty. I have only tried to discuss his alcoholism with him one time and he said it is a “taboo subject”. So there it is…the giant elephant in the middle of the room that I am supposed to pretend doesn’t exist???? Sorry to be so wordy.

48. maggot on July 1st, 2008 11:57 pm

    heh.

    I’m there living all this too.. .however, its my wife. i dont need to go into gory details but 2 children (and one is adopted) is the end… I cannot have them become alcoholics too.

    I left a year ago for about 5 days, and she stopped.. but now we’re back a year later and a 6 pack a nite is not a big deal for her.

    So women can be alcoholics too… anyone call if they dont have self control. She has a good 6 figure income but she hates her life. perhaps if she did something to relieve stress besides pounding a 6 pack… she might actually enjoy living.

    … each day … is full of life, so go live it.

49. paula on July 4th, 2008 2:01 am

    hi my name is paula..ive been out of an alcoholic relationship for a yr now but i keep going back not moving back but calling him missing him but itss not the alcoholic i miss its my bestfriend i met 8 yrs ago i miss…do they ever come back or am i chasing him for nothing ..he has chated on me several times lost his 2005 1 ton 60.000 dollar truck..his parents bailed him out of losing his house …im going on a dead horsse ithink but how do i get over him how do i go alone im so scared to be alone at 42 it sux to be single i am so broke its pathetic,,,,and now i think my hair is falling out from it pls help

50. Lisa on July 11th, 2008 11:20 pm

    Ahhh, I relate to so many of you…I too am a slow learner. In hindsight, I never recognized my guy as an alcoholic till it was too late…. at that point, I was foolish enough to think I could ‘help’ or fix him. I discovered his problem by observing him…. wondering why he left the house so often… what a wild ride from those innocent days to now….
    I can spot an alcoholic now… easily… and have to watch myself from becoming one.
    I took part- and eventually having booze in my home was normal where previously for me, it was ONLY a weekend thing.
    I’ve been there. I’ve threatened, supported, loved, and prayed. I have realized finally, that it wont get better. I am full of hope- this moment… that an independent life is in my future. I am scared to be alone….
    This time, I will do it… and the whole alcohol thing… I pray it will be a lesson learned, and never relived.

51. Helen on July 15th, 2008 4:58 pm

    To Amber or anyone else putting off the inevitable….
    I was with a drinker for almost 3 years, we have a 2 year old son, I have moved away and it hurts but I feel safe and secure, yes he was great when he wasn’t drinking but I could never trust him and had no peace of mind, that is not a solid foundation for a relationship.I thought exactly as you did that with enough time, effort and love that I could as you had said “make it work”…until I realised that if he didn’t feel the same way (and if a person continues to drink and doesn’t get help eventhough their drinking is out of control and hurting their loved ones, then we can conclude that they don’t feel the same way!). A one sided relationship is headed for disaster, you are only settling for this because you don’t think you are worth any more….until you realise you are you won’t leave him and until he admits they he has a problem and actively seeks help for that problem he will never find happiness either. Even if he does do this and gets sorted, you will always be with a “recovering” alcoholic, he could begin again at any time, why live with that…there are plenty of nice, non-alcholic men out there. Open the door to normality, leave him now.

52. Amanda on July 17th, 2008 10:32 am

    Thank God for this website–thank you Wendy and to all of you for sharing your stories. It saddens me that so many people are in the same boat but at the same time it’s nice to know that I am not alone. My story (the short version)–I’ve lived with an alcoholic my entire life…first my dad, who eventually died of liver cancer at the age of 45 and then my husband whom I moved in with at the age of 18 (knowing he was an alcoholic). It’s been 14 years now on this roller coaster and I, finally, feel the strenght and wisdom to get off! We are on our third separation in the past year and a half. He’s been gone a month now but what’s different about this separation is that I don’t feel the desperation of “needing” him and I don’t feel scared as I have in the past. July 13 was a day of clarity for me, I woke up feeling confident that I can stick to my guns and see this through. I’ve never been alone so for years I’ve put up with his drinking. He is a functional alcoholic (just as my dad was) and he runs a successful business. He has never laid a hand on me. He just loves his beer and feels he has the right to enjoy it.. He’s not someone who can just drink a few. He drinks to get drunk. I’ve been unhappy for so, so long. Because of my fear of being alone, I have sought the attention of another man as if I was looking for a replacement (my girlfriend calls it “bridging”). I’ve never been unfaithful in a sexual sense but more in an emotional sense–seeking attention through interaction and words (totally relating to some of Daisy’s comments here). I no longer speak to this man (he ended up being a loser). My husband has never really met my emotional needs and he’s very good at blaming me for his drinking. We have two boys, ages 13 and 5. I’m ready to go see a lawyer and not only do this for me but do it for them. They’ve witnessed too much turmoil. I’m worried about the oldest one who has turned out quite unruly and disrespectful. My husband has actually contributed to my new found strength because while he’s been gone this last month he has been boozing it up and binging like never before (he’s in Kentucky right now as I speak at Little Sturgis). Some of his friends have even called me because they’re worried about him as well and they’ve told some stupid things he has done lately like trying to prove he could ride his motorcycle on the gravel road at 60mph without a helmet. He ended up wrecking his bike. That’s just one of the many stupid, drunken things he’s done over the years. I’m to the point now that being around when he’s drunk make me sick, from the way he walks to the way he talks, it is so appalling! I’m looking for words of encouragement to keep me on this road of “recovery.” I’m angry at myself for staying so long and I refuse to waste anymore time. I deserve to be happy and my kids deserve to be happy and to have a mother who is emotionally and mentally healthy. I guess the next step is to see a lawyer…

53. Linda Sue Smart on July 18th, 2008 12:41 am

    I want to leave but we have a 15 yr old son that does not want to go with me. He knows his father is an alcoholic but he has never lived anywhere else (my son is a Christian and never gives up on anybody because prayer helps everything). We live right next door to my husbands sister and mother. We (my mother-in-law owns this land even though my husband claims it) have 60 acres and we love where we live (I am always reminded that this is not my house and land). Everything is in my mother-in laws name. We have been married for 20 years. Very complicated. My son loves his life here in AL–karate, band at school, girlfriend… I am from Arkansas and have no relatives here. I am not working right now but I have always worked and I have in the past been the one that has made the biggest income. I am going to school to get my Bachelors degree. I have 1 yr left. Right now (again) it is very bad and I want to leave so bad I can hardly stand it. I am taking on-line classes and I could stay with my sister in AR if I could get the courge to leave. I can’t stand to leave my son though, and like I said he told me he did not want to move to AR. Should I make him go with me? Of course he doesn’t want me to go but I have too or either live with this low self esteem and sadness. What should I do? HELP!!! Any advise is useful.

54. Kristy on July 18th, 2008 9:27 pm

    Wow! I too am amazed at everyone in this type of situation. I have been married to my husband for 3 years and with him for 5 years. I always knew he was a drinking, but I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic until much later into our marriage. He is an alcoholic and I also believe he is depressed. He drinks everyday. Most days are okay, but this year has been complete hell! Most of the time he will help clean house and do other things to support me. Once a month or so he will drink a lot and get completely out of control. This past time he snapped and tried to jump out of the car which I was driving. He was mad at me about a comment that I made and wanted to get away from me. My mom and I ended up taking him to hospital, but by the time the doctor saw him, he had sobered up. He has now agreed to try to “wing” himself off. He is now drinking a 6 pack or so a day, but is a complete jerk to me when he is drinking. He also displays similarities to a bipolar person. One minute he is happy and wants to work on our marriage and his drinking. The next he is ready to leave and give up. I will admit, I LOVE him and would like to work on the marriage and help him with drinking, but I am afraid I can’t take the flip flopping that goes on from day to day. I just wish he would be honest and leave or stay. I know I should just make him leave, because if not I am going to go completely crazy. I am always anxious and nervous. I know I could handle it if he left, but I can handle the in between and I don’t know if I am strong enough to just kick him out.

    I am only 26 and I want kids, but I just don’t see it possible with a man like this. Please pray for me to have the strength to make changes soon!!

55. Kelli on July 24th, 2008 3:30 am

    I am sitting here alone , again. I have a binge alcoholic husband. We have been together for 8 1/2 years now and married for just two. We now have a 61/2 month old baby girl..she’s asleep in her crib. I haven’t talked to her father since 7:30 this morning when he left for work. It is now 3:30am. I am just so tired of this being my life. Waiting and worrying that’s all I do anymore. I am only 23 years old and should be living my life, but instead I just worry about his. He is a such a nice man, that’s why I married him, because he truly has a good heart, but he’s has changed. He has always liked to drink and since we met in highschool, I guess I just thought that it was normal. He is getting progressively worse, the fourth of july he drove our boat drunk and almost hit an island. We had two of our friends with us, they haven’t even spoken to us since then. I left him after that, but I came back because he promised that he wouldn’t be drinkning anymore. But here I am less than a month later dealing with the same old stuff. So I found this board and thought I would clear my mind. Thank you for listening.

56. Angel on July 24th, 2008 7:55 am

    Is there any ounce of happiness in an alcoholic marriage in this very dark life??

    I’m married to my alcoholic husband for 2 years, having known him for 5 years before. Been planning for a family for 1.5 years with no success, but perhaps a blessing in disguise as I’m contemplating leaving him. Logically I should, but I find it so hard emotionally. Also I own most of the property, so I’d want him to leave rather than me leaving, and technically I don’t know how to do it.

    I’m attending Al-anon as well as counselling for myself, as I;m confused. I;m fully aware the decision is mine, but everyone else can see I should leave.

57. Meeza on August 3rd, 2008 12:12 pm

    Interesting what comes up when you type “how to leave an alcoholic”. My boyfriend who I live with is an alcoholic, so is his ex-wife, his mom, dad, stepmom, and stepdad. I feel like I am going crazy and that my lifeforce is being sucked out of me. My eyes are finally opening after 5 years of being together. I can see the damage that his alcoholism is causing everyone in this family. I can see the destruction of my joy at everything. I have been contemplating leaving since January, but didn’t know exactly why. I went to an al-anon meeting for the first time last week. I am so angry! I have had plenty of abuse growing up and have been very proud of myself that I don’t allow myself to be a victim. Now, I am just infuriated because I feel like a victim in this stupid, insensitive situation! I will figure it out, just venting and completely angry!!!!!!!!!!

58. judith on August 3rd, 2008 6:03 pm

    Just reading all the sad stories and it all sounded familiar. I’ve been with my children’s father for almost 18 years and since he got out of the Marines20 years ago, I thought it was a phase..
    But, every year, 364+ he drinks a tall 4pack and 2 24oz of beer, every, every day. He is the bread winner of our little family, but when there are times he forgets where he is at and he starts to get verbally abusive. Only once I call the police when he almost attack me. Sometimes, when I discipline my kids, he gets up and starts to make a fist and he thinks he is going to fight someone, but I yell at him to tell him, stop it your at home! He’s been a out of the Marines for almost 20 years and he acts like he is still 18 years old and wants to bar fight. I told him to grow up and be a dad. There were times his disciplinary action towards our children was uncall for. So, I started to defend my children, I rather get the first hit and kill him, if I have to, if he ever lay a hand on my children my oldest daughter is 17, then my son who just turn 13, and the 2 little ones are 11 and 9, girl and a boy. I’m afraid one day he’ll hit one of them soon. I really hate him and I want to get out of this so call common law relationship. He threatens me if I ever leave I won’t have any money to support my children. To make matter worse, I have not had sex with him since Feb. and this is Aug. Because, 4 months ago he had a bad rash or sores on his belly and chest and he has an ongoing dandruff of some kind of sores on his scalp. So, I ask him to go to the Doctor and get himself check, but he refuse. I even set up AA meetings for him and me to go to. He hates the fact that I did that and I even prayed for him and he does not believe in God or Jesus Christ. He is well known to the community and he helps a lot of people, but If only they knew. When I mention this behavior of his, he DENIES everything and turns it around on me. I don’t know what to do, I feel stuck and I don’t know who to turn to for help legally. His family is no help, there all alcoholics themselves. For almost a Whole year I have not gone to any of his family functions or to see his mom at the nursery home. I simply drawing away from his relatives and friends. My mom is not around to help me anymore, she died 8 yrs. ago. My kids are traumatized by him, too. I’m lost and How do I tell him I don’t love him any more, even though I said that so many many times and all he says is yeah whatever! Please help me! I need to get out and my children too!!!

59. Mary on August 7th, 2008 12:04 am

    I have finally left my abusive alcoholic boyfriend, after 5 years. I am 42 years old and feel my life is over. I have left many times, well actually, he would throw me out in the street in his blind drunken rages, and I would go back to him. I suffered a few black eyes, bruises , a cue stick to the head, a couple of fat lips, and the worst was the emotional abuse. When he was sober, he loved me, when he drank he would spit on me, smack me around and call me a dumb c – - t and he would say, he hated me. It was from one extreme to the next. The next day, he wouldn,t remember what he did. How convenient . He would never admit his abuse. He would tell me. If I wanted to hit you, you would be dead. How could he say he loves me? This time I made the decision to leave him.
    What woke me up was, I was cutting myself to numb the pain. I felt worthless, I felt responsible, I felt , I was obligated to help him.
    I was hating myself to a point where I was actually punching myself in the face, looking in to the mirror and saying you are nothing, you are a piece of sh – t. I ask myself, “why do you accept his torture’? Why do I feel that I actually deserve it? I would physically hurt myself, thinking If I showed god how sorry I was for making my boyfriend mad , He would somehow make him stop. I was starting to accept the cycle. Well, I would say, you choose to go back and stay, then learn to live with it. But, it wasn’t living. It was a slow dying death. I couldn’t get the picture out of my head, of my mother identifying my beat-up murdered body in the morgue. I finally realized, I didn’t stay because I loved him, it was because, I am addicted to abuse. My ex-husband was a control freak that mentally and emotionally abused me. I dealt with his crap for 13 years. My ex didn’t drink, smoke or take drugs – Go figure. At times, he would push me, but not as bad as what my alcoholic boyfriend use to do to me. I divorced that b- -st – -d 6 years ago, after leaving him a gazillion times and going back.
    I finally get my life back. Totally happy for 1 year, without a man in my life. Then what happens, I fall right in to another abusive relationship. What the hell is wrong with me?
    It has only been a few days since I left my boyfriend. I have stuck by him through rehab programs, sober houses, etc.. I am so tired now. I feel like I am going through withdrawals. It is just too peaceful, it is just too quiet. I am so anxious. I sit here and shake. I didn’t like or want to be abused. I am simply use to it. It was the norm for me. And above it all, I treated these men like gold – Go figure. They have the 12 step recovery program for alcoholics. What about their victims? We are the collateral damage. Where is our 12 step recovery program? Alcoholics drown their pain and demons. We have to deal with our demons and pain – raw.

    I would sure like to hear from someone that can relate to my story. I am starting my life over at 42, living with my mother, who , god bless her, witnessed and stuck by me through all of this. All I got out of this relationship was no job, no money, evictions, repossessed vehicles, traffic tickets (of course everythings in my name) I didn’t cause, no self-esteem, and no desire to love. Love to me is abuse. Another crazy thing is, I am still young, beautiful and I even went to college. No I am not vain. I hated being extremely pretty. It just made these men insecure and extremely jealous, accusing you of being a whore and sleeping with guys on your job. I was waitressing 9 hours a day, because my boyfriend would screw up great jobs because of the drinking. He would wait up for me. As soon as I walked in the door ,he would step on my aching feet as hard as he could so I wouldn’t go back to work- Sick huh? Even college people can be stupid. I haven’t called myself beautiful, ever. This is the first step to getting my sense of self back and maybe to someday learn to trust and love a man again. It will be very hard. I have given everything to these men. My heart, my dignity – they have taken everything you could possibly take from a human being. I pray every night for all the women who are being beat up and beatened down. God help them. Give them the strength to get out and the courage and hope to live again. Thank you for reading my story. God Bless.

60. Maria on August 8th, 2008 5:57 am

    My husband is an alcoholic. At this moment I am wondering if he will show-up to work today? Should I care? Probably not. I have decide to leave him, now. He has had 2 DUI’s and as a previous poster noted about her own situation, my husband cannot handle any stressful situations. He turn to drinking as soon as something stressful happens to him or others . . . he is also a pleaser. He has this need to please everyone around him. He is a nice, wonderful, loving father. But, first he is an ALCOHOLIC. So, yes, I am leaving him. He has not hit bottom yet and we wonder when that will be? I feel guilty and sad because I want to help him. He is selfish and likes when we have pity for him, and in the end we just enable him more – we have 2 daughters that love him very much. I can no longer neglect them emotionally. The alcoholic has gotten much attention in the past 17 years and I am done with that! I have no idea what I will do to move out on my own and be able to handle everything myself. But, I have always worried sick about it each and everytime I have wanted to leave. So – I am leaving now, regardless of that. My 4 year old asked me last nigh if her daddy was going to come home or not? My heart broke and I hated myself for allowing someone to hurt her in that way. I have been very unhappy with my husband and have accepted that he already has another wife – the bottle.

61. Melissa on August 20th, 2008 1:50 pm

    Today makes a week that I kicked out my boyfriend. I thought it would make a difference in his decisions about drinking. It did not. I type this and my throat tightens. I’ve been this emotional basket case since he’s been out, but everytime I think about calling him and asking him to come home, I think about every time he lied to my face, lied to me on the phone, lied to me a week ahead, the drunken insults, the pushing, and fights; it never ends. The trust has wittled down to nothing, and is to the point where my feelings are of hate, distrust, anger, disgust, etc. I’ve been supportive and waited, encouraged and babied, made a home, cooked, cleaned, worked a job and had kids for this man in hopes of change. I feel that my body, emotions, and life have been played with. My 5 month old and 5 year old will not know this unhappiness caused by their fathers failiure. Reading everyone’s situations and stories will help me through the next weeks. Thank you! More power to your gut decisions, life is too short to be miserable.

62. Lauren on August 24th, 2008 9:22 pm

    Wow, I had no idea so many other women were going through my situation. It’s so helpful to read all these stories. I found this site when I Googled “divorcing an alcoholic”.
    I’m 33 years old and have been with my alcoholic husband for 10 years. Our kids are 7 and 3. I am leaving him in May when my son gets out of school and will be staying with my parents until I can get on my feet. I haven’t worked in 7 years, but I am a licensed hair stylist, so I’ll be able to find work.
    We started out as a couple who drank and partied together, but when I got pregnant I was ready to stop all that and be responsible parents, he was not. I quickly realized he couldn’t and didn’t want to stop drinking. He goes through this whole pattern. His drinking gets really heavy and he gets violent. Then the guilt and the “I’m gonna quit drinking”, a week or two without drinking, then “just one” beer from the mini-mart, then the six or twelve pack, then the tiny bottles of Jack Daniels, then the bottles get bigger until we are up to the gallon size of JD. Then he gets drunk and angry and does something really stupid or embarrassing and then the pattern starts again.
    He is so controlling and jealous, that I can’t have any friends. The last friend I had he told to “Get the f*** out of our house!” when I had invited her and her young kids over for dinner on a night he was supposed to work late. He came home early and you would have thought I had a man in the house. It was bad. So I don’t even try to have friends.
    I am leaving him this time for good because I don’t want to be 40, or 50, or 60 and wish that I had left years earlier. And I will NEVER go back to him, there is no love left at all. I feel like at 33 I can still make a happy, healthy life for myself and my children. I will be giving up the big house and the nice cars, but I’ll be happier in a one bedroom apartment with my kids where we are safe than in this giant house that has become my prison.
    Thanks for listening.

63. dreamspinner3 on August 27th, 2008 12:51 pm

    I grew up with alcoholic parents and I married an alcoholic man and spent 20 years living with him, trying to make things work out. The alcohol ruined him and it killed the person that I loved and married. He was drinking a quart of vodka a day on top of taking medications for being bipolar & the combo made him totally nuts. He became physically absuive towards me that is when I snapped and had him arrested, got a protection order, and got the hell out of my marriage.

    I advise anyone who is considering getting involved with an alcoholic whether or not they are in recovery NOT DO IT. The price is to high, the stakes are to great…it is your life you’re gambling with!

    I’m glad I never had children with this man. Now I’m involved with someone who is kind and loving and it seems so weird to be to be treated in a good way. That is so sad!

64. Sue on August 28th, 2008 9:45 am

    I just found this site and it really hits home with me. We have been married since 1994, together since 1991. We have raised 6 kids, all turned out great, and have had our ups and downs. He is the most loving, caring, wonderful person I have ever met when he is not drinking. When he drinks (every day) he has lately started becoming mean, picking fights, and while I know its the alcohol, it still hurts. About 6 years ago I left for 4 days – he watched me go – and when I finally came back he was a mess. I know that he loves me, but he is also an addict. he can’t choose between the 2 of us (me or the booze) and I don’t know how to make it happen. He has had 2 DUIs in 12 years, works full time, makes really good money. Our bills are paid. He drinks ALL the time when he isn’t at work, and it seems like that is his only hobby. I really love him dearly, but hate the alcohol and what it does to him. I have begged, pleaded, screamed, threatened, nothing does any good. He’s been to rehab, been to jail, been through all of it, but still says that he is going to drink becuase he is an adult and nobody can make him stop.

    How do you make yourself stop taking the easy way out??? I live wondering how he will be when he gets home, hopefully I won’t have done anything to make him mad. The easy thing is to ignore it all, kind of stick my head in the sand, and tell myself that its the alcohol, not the man. The hard part is moving out, starting over (this is marriage #2), and frankly I’m scared. I know I could do it on my own, and I have great family support. But I also know that he will be begging, pleading, crying, and doing everything he can to get me to come back. I just can’t take it any more, and living like this is not good, not at all. Does anybody have any suggestions?? I love this man with all of my heart and soul. I hate his drinking. So how do I separate the 2?? why does life have to be so hard

65. Jennifer on August 28th, 2008 10:54 am

    Hmmm. Where to start? I have been with my husband since I was 17, I knew he drank when we got together. I didn’t know that he has a family history of alcoholism. I think he is what they call a functional alcoholic. He works his job, full time, comes home and does manage to spend time with his 5 kids we have, but has to have beer pretty much every day. We have been together for almost 13 years, our oldest is 11 and the youngest is 2. He has been sober for almost half of the time we have been together. We managed fully to get to that level and then we never succeeded at overcoming the past and changing our emotions fully. We went through a really rough time due to several stressful circumstances and eventually he broke and began looking to alcohol last year. Now a little over a year and a half he has picked up where he left off several years ago but gone even further in other ways, he cheated on me basically, spent too much time at work to get away from my bitching, after we had moved to another state and were far away from friends or family and I felt utterly abandoned by the one I thought I could count on to be there with me. We tried to go to counseling and that didn’t last the first 15 minutes of the session and he walked out. He is so bitter about the past, from his mother when he was growing up to problems we had over the years. We can’t even have a discussion without several issues from our past blasting me in the face. We recently moved back home and are staying with my mother and step-dad so that we can replace things we had to leave and save for a house since we are starting over basically and since I suffer from a bitching syndrome I said too much when I was nagging and he and I had an arguement and he said he wanted to leave so he is currently staying at a hotel. He is supersensitive when it comes to references about himself, and his reaction is to lash out verbally. I hate my kids seeing all that and they love their dad and are always quick to forgive but I really worry about what kind of effect this will have on them later. I think we are disfunctional, but not in ways that you hear most often. I tolerate certain things because I know how good of a person he can be when he is sober but have a hard time even being in the same room with him when he is not. He is rude and always loud and to me just plain obnoxious. The thing I hate the most is he calls me names. He never sees it though, I have thought several times about recording him just to show him later but it makes me sick that is has gotten this bad. I have been telling him that he needs to quit drinking completely and he tells me he won’t because there is no reason to. He says that there is no harm in him coming home from work and having a few. Which wouldn’t be that bad if he didn’t seem like a different person after drinking and didn’t have to do it daily. While drinking he thinks I should do everything, which I don’t so that makes it worse, he is rude about money since I am a stay at home mom(because he thinks that is best) and tells me he works and it is his money. He was never like that in that attitude about money before when he was sober. I know he is not happy, but he seems to think the buzz is a cure all for being tired, needing to relax, being mad, and having fun. I understand I have a big hand in this too since I am easygoing about speaking out about my feelings and don’t have a problem saying things like they are and I really wish I could get a grip with that so my mouth isn’t ruled by my emotions because sometimes it seems like I just fly off the handle. I feel guilty right now because I have already been telling myself that if he didn’t quit drinking I would leave and also told him that as well, and now the kids are really sad and worried because we have been a family that was pretty tight and always did things with the kids and now he has allowed the drinking to change that and with being at a hotel the kids are freaking on me! I wish he could see that his drinking is a problem and if the kids tell him they don’t like it he justifies by saying the same thing he has told me, ” I don’t beat you, I work and get you the things you need and pay the bills and I love you so why can’t I relax and have a good time?” It is hard because when he is semisober or sober, he is helpful, likes to grill meals for us and just hang out, but half the time it seems like it gets ruined because I can tell when the fun is over, he gets an attitude if we don’t do something right, he becomes a martyr after cooking the meal or doing something around the house and becomes unbearable to be around because he starts yelling or wants us to hurry up and get the kids down so we can be alone and gets mad if it don’t work out the way he planned. I don’t know, this probably seems all superficial but it has been going on long enough and if I am not crazy will some one please just let me know it? I just think a six pack a day at least is a little much. Recently he is down to four beers a day and was really upset that I didn’t verbally notice. I plan to take advantage of him being there and hope to get him convinced that either the alcohol goes or we will have to call it quits. That really bothers me because he was my best friend, I could always talk to him about anything, he understood me and we got along and had fun. I just wish he could find where he got lost.

66. Patty on August 28th, 2008 12:55 pm

    I just want to say I have been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years now. We separated about 3 1/2 years ago and he made all kinds of promises of quitting drinking and being a better person. So we found a lot and built a new house to start a new life. While the house was being built I noticed some behaviours that I thought were odd. Just kept going, thought maybe it was just the stress of building the house. Anyway house is done 3 years now but the drinking has come back in full force. He quit smoking pot, but found another new habit once we got a computer, gambling. Playing poker, drinking and nothing else. I talked to him about the habits and something needed to change. Promises, promises. I admit I am not perfect, I have found myself in financial stress I think maybe trying to make up for what I don’t get in my relationship. It is like, I start to take control over myself and wham, I’m right back in the trap of staying. Kind of like I self destruct myself. I told him I don’t want to be there anymore and I am going to move. His response is that “What My House and My Car aren’t good enough for you anymore…. I can’t take the control issues anymore. I am stressed out to the max. I have tension at work, I have tension driving home know what is there. I’m scared to death. But I have to do it, because I have been making my body sick for years.

67. Bonita Alvarez on September 2nd, 2008 5:07 pm

    I put my husband in jail the day he was going to take our last vehicle, drunk, and buy a shotgun. He had totaled our truck two hours earlier, and was after me for the keys. He had back surgeries, so had an “excuse”. I had to leave with no job, no health insurance, and am 59 years old. I guess when you comtemplate killing someone a hundred different ways, it’s time to leave. I found that many men in my past where also drunks, but
    this time I would have to get out of my comfort zone and find someone that I couldn’t caretake. I have found him and though there is no “excitement” when we are together, I know in my hearty that he loves me and will always be there for me. He doesn’t drink,either. Sure I miss the money, the new house,etc. And it’s normal that I wonder sometimes if I made a mistake. I hear that he has joined our church and doesn’t get crazy anymore. It makes me realize that if I hadn’t have left him, he’d have killed me or himself. Now he won’t be doing either.

68. Kerrie on September 5th, 2008 9:24 am

    I’ve 47 and have been married to an alcoholic for a year. I was never around alcohol when I was a child so I was naive and didn’t know the signs until after we were married and living together. Like many of the other posts he’s a sweet man, but will not stop drinking for anything. He’s depressed and taking antidepressants now and I’m begging him to stop drinking. We haven’t even made love since we’ve been married cause he’s never interested. I feel so stupid….I was single for almost 8 years and thought I would know better that to let myself get sucked into something like this. He doesn’t even want to get up and go to work, we are going to lose everything because he’s in denial about his problems. I have tried so much to help him, encourage him, love him without judgment but I don’t know how much more I can do and keep my self respect. My heart breaks for him but I have finally realized that he will never change and I’m not going to live the rest of my life like this. I am also angry with myself for falling in love with him because that makes it so difficult to leave. But that is something I have to do for my own survival.
    I found out that drinking ended is previous marriage and sadly it will end this one as well.

69. Kristin on September 9th, 2008 11:36 pm

    I am sitting downstairs reading this as my husband is passed out upstairs in our room. Last September, I brought home separation papers and he has been sober since, until this month when it all began again. So I find myself lying to family and friends and I am at my breaking point. My problem is I have a 3 year old who loves her dad and he loves her and I feel so guilty for taking her away from him. I don’t want my daughter to grow up in this kind of environment and I kept hoping that my husband would realize this. In addition to his drinking addition, he is also a compulsive spender and although he makes great money we are getting daily collection calls. If I leave I will have to go back to work as I am a stay at home mom, and move to California to live with my sister so she could babysit. I truly believe the only good thing that came out of this marriage of 6 years is my daughter (who is my life) and that makes me really sad inside. My parents have been married for 48 years. In the morning when he starts to sober up, I will hear the sorry’s and the REGRETS but I am so angry at him for ruining our life that I feel I don’t have any other choice. So why can’t I just leave him and leave the guilt with him as well? I’m 40 and know there is much more to life than this, at least I hope there is because things really suck right now and I am the positive person in the family…Alchoholism is such a horrible disease and effects so many people. I can relate to all the people writing these letters and hope we all can find a little strength in one another to make the right decisions.

70. Toni on September 10th, 2008 4:36 am

    I have just gone through all the messages. The one common factor is that we stay with our lovely people who drink because we ‘love’ them. Love? Need? Yes they can be charming, intelligent, funny, sensitive, caring…but in the end they are still not there. It is a lonely place for all.. The hardest thing of all is the hope that they may come back. Time makes that hope slippery and yet some alcoholics do rally. Will we be the lucky ones? It could be any of us, seeing what you you see them going through would not be something you wish on on anyone…least of all our selves.
    Life has to have compassion but also a sense of self preservation…which is why this disease makes it cruel for all concerned.
    Everyone keep your heart open and protected.

71. Toni on September 10th, 2008 5:15 am

    P.S. Our one year anniversery tomorow. Dropped him off to detox today. Good on us both. And, so many of us have grown up with alcoholics and are drawn to alcoholics. Maybe because they are just as hurt and as bewildered as us?
    But having gone through it once, now that it is a choice, refuse to do it again. It is a despicable illness. I once made myself believe in a God….but a feet on the ground person now. Wish I did believe and admire those who do, and, we all have to make our own way.

72. Lori on September 10th, 2008 4:21 pm

    I left the love of my life 1 month and 1 week ago today. My daughter called 911 to save my life the night he had me trapped inside the house on one of his drunken rages. I left a $250,000 house behind, and started from scratch once again in life. Was it hard? Yes. Was I scared? Yes. Do I miss him? Terribly. I cannot go back to that life though. I have him the choice of the bottle or his family, and he made his choice. I deserve better, and my children deserve to grow up in a loving home knowing that men do not have to drink to get through the day. Things will work out one way or the other. It will be hard, but you will find peace. Go before he drags you down with him.

73. tracy on September 21st, 2008 2:14 pm

    This is to Chris who is dating an alcoholic. PLEASE RUN as fast as you can. I dated an alcoholic, married him and had 2 kids with him. I found out shortly after my 2nd son turned 1 that he was having an affair. He began the affair around the time my 2nd son was 2 months old. It began with a co-worked who gave him the attention he needed. That was in 2005, and now in 2008, I’m still not out of the relationship completely. We began divorce, never finished it, and moved out of state. He kept the friend on the side and lied from time to time. Go figure. He thinks I was too much into the boys, but I think the alcohol is to blame for most of our problems. I can’t not stress enough to you…….RUN FAST. Do not marry or have children with this man. You will regret it later in life. Trust me. I feel so guilty for picking a man that is not a very good role model to my sons. I have been through the ringer and I’m still hoping he will get sober!! They use and abuse you and you don’t even know it until it’s too late. RUN!

74. sherry on September 26th, 2008 10:42 am

    well here goes, i have done the same thing been with one for 20 years , lived with him for about 12 years .Dont understand we separetded every year and this is 2008 we have split up again caues his drinking .But he says i bitch to much so what is the real problem.stop b,,,, ing or drinking. i love him but soooooooooo tired of the drinking . I KNOW NOW all that bitching was a waste of time cause this last year i DID NOT SAY anything about his drihking and has got worse . NOW he see i REALLY mean it this time.but i still want him but REFUSE this time to live with the drinking hope he wil stop wish me good luck I REALLLLLLLLLY INEED IT AM I WASTED MY TIME PLZ REPLY

75. anna on October 6th, 2008 7:48 am

    thankgod ive found someone to talk to, another day crying over wether i should laeve my partner of 15yrs. he is a binge drinker, i feel like i cant go on anymore but have 2 lovely girls to thimk about. will there ever be an end? anyone

76. kim on October 10th, 2008 1:53 am

    hi , i live with a alcholic ive been with him for4yrs , he is slowly burning me out, i stay with him as its my house, and he keeps saying i decorated this house i help pay for this and that, and its hard finding the courage to tell him to go , he has hit me twice, and always threatens to , but i now say doit again and your gone , so i think thats what stops him , he is 45, and acts like a child ,we have no life except i stay at home with him at wkemds and he drinks all day , i feel like i cant have friends ats its embarassing when he is drunk, so no on ecomes to the house, i have a good jobb, but i have to hide my emotions and say its all ok , when im shattered inside, im sooo low and down i dont know what to do , i was going to go to alanon but the day i can go is a saturday and he is at home and would aslk where i am going , and i cant face telling him so i just put up with it , im on this site as i dont know what to do anymore, i make excuses for him, but as no one comes to are house he has no friends, and i dont apart from friends, people think he is fine, but its all not fine , i dont know what to do to be honest, thank you for reading this, i dont drink at all , which he loves for some strange reason

77. Lost on October 23rd, 2008 2:13 pm

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for 18 years of which 15 of those where sober years. He checked himself into a treatment hospital 18 years ago and got sober. We lived together for 2 years before we married. In the last 3 years my husband has started drinking again both openly and secretly (more so the latter). We have a seventeen year old daughter. In the past 9 months his drinking has escalated and his personality has changed drastically, its a if I do not know this person anymore. I have not confronted him when he is drunk as he had a violent history before his treament. However I have waited until he is sober and have told him repeatedly that my daughter and I can no longer live this way and he must stop. He always assures me he will and then two or three days later its the same thing again. At this point he is not physically violent yet there have been moments when I have been afraid. He claims today I cannot be trusted because of an incident that happened 20 years ago! He has purchased vehicles and bedroom furniture without even speaking to me about it. These are big purchases and I thought I should have some say in what we do financially. I do not know what to do next, my daughter says she is surprised I have stayed this long. We moved 12 years ago and are about 800 miles from any of my family so obviously I and my daughter are quite alone if we leave. I am so afraid to go and I feel guilty and shame for even thinking I could walk away from the 18 years I have invested in our relationship. I do not feel the same feelings for him anymore and I struggle with that daily! I hope someone can give me some insight on what I should do.

78. Regina on October 26th, 2008 2:32 am

    I left after 30 years, at first i was ashamed that I put up with the shit so long. But now I am free. I thought for 30 years that I was going to fix him,make it better. YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM it is what it is and its Alcohol, its more important than you, its more important to him than himself, his family his life, its a giant it takes over with vingents, and you must get out. In my case it was a cycle with him he could be nice and peaceful one day and the next he could be violent, and just nasty. Oh yes I have two adult children who saw all this. I am ashamed that I exposed them to this. But all I can do now is pray that they do not pick his path in life. Please leave it does not get better. Regina

79. mis on November 6th, 2008 8:35 pm

    I threw my alcoholic boyfriend out after 8 years of emotional abuse,the partying friends were always more important than our son and myself.Three months later I took him back because I felt bad for him.I spent the next 2 years trying ti find a way out again.He found it for me when he got another DUI and landed in jail again.It was the best thing that could have ever happened to us,my house is so much more calm and stress-free.I wish I wouldn’t have wasted so much time, life is too short to live with an abusive,self-absorbed alcoholic.My advice to all who are looking for advice is this: DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO DO IT FOR YOU.DON’T WASTE ONE MORE SECOND OF YOUR LIFE.GET OUT NOW AND DON’T HAVE PITY FOR HIS SELF INFLICTED MISERY.IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND YOU CAN’T CHANGE HIM,ONLY HE CAN CHANGE HIM.TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK NOW!!!Good luck and God bless.

80. Sarah on November 11th, 2008 8:45 pm

    This is the first time I have even looked this up and am amazed at the amount of people enduring the same thing I am. My husband doesn’t touch alcohol during the week but when Saturday hits…it’s on. He drinks non stop and becomes verbally abusive. It starts after the house full of people he invited over leave. Then he wakes me up in the middle of the night by turning on the light and screaming at me…just about everything in the book. My 3 yr old sleeps with us so he witnesses it. I have reached the end of my rope and he swears he will get help, but I have heard this before and am just at a loss. i donot want my son to grow up thinking this is acceptable but I’m just scared to go, to try to make it on my own, of him saying he’s better and then he’s not. I just dunno.

81. Maggie on November 13th, 2008 1:27 pm

    After 15 years and one child, my daughter finally left her husband and filed for divorce. He’s been in rehab many times and has gone through AA as well as counseling, all at her expense. He has not held a job in years so she pays for everything. After the separation, a drinking buddy put him up but when the situation deteiorated to the point of him not bathing or eating, they sent him back to the hospital again. He has no job, no place to live and no resources but he refuses to quit drinking or to try to make things better. Drugs are also involved. My daughter is now feeling guilty because friends tell her he looks horrible and they think he is suicidal. I fear for her and my grandchild. If she goes back on her decision, nothing will change. They will be in danger of him accidently hurting the child or setting the house on fire. He’s a smoker. He’s nearly ruined her financially as well as emotionally. I know she continues to wonder if she could do something differently and suffers from the problem of many women – it must be my fault! I can only offer a listening ear and support, but I am very afraid.

82. Lynn on November 19th, 2008 12:36 pm

    Hello everyone. Wow…. all these stories sound so much like mine. I am not married to my alcoholic. We don’t even live together. He has been pushing that issue about moving in together and I have stood my ground. We have separated more than I can remember during our 2 years and 5 month relationship. I don’t know what to do now. It has been a month since this separation and I do miss him, but not as much as I used too. He can be such a caring, loving man when he wants to be. He blames me all the time-how I could never be happy with him and everything he does is not good enough for me. I beg him to stop drinking. I threaten to break it off and I do, but I go back to him at the end when he emails me or texts me. I do not know if he has cheated on me and swears that he never has, but I do not trust this man anymore. I gave him everything I had. I guess it wasn’t good enough for him. I don’t like to be failure, but that is how I feel right now. I could of done something different. I could of not nagged him ect ect ect. My first marriage I married an alcoholic and we divorce after 3 years and I guess I didn’t want to fail again this time, but here I am alone. I have called him, text him and even went to his apartment-where he ignored me. He text me that night when I was at his apartment and he said he was drunk and was passed out. This is the 2nd time this has happen. I wish I could just let go and walk away. Why is it so hard to let go. I need to stand my ground and not go back to him. He has never ignored me this long and I feel so sad, so alone, so hopeless. I know I would be better off alone, but why do I hold on?

83. marisa on November 22nd, 2008 2:32 am

    I am struggling with a tough decision, and it is tearing me apart. I met my partner about 8 years ago, and he was really messed up from the start. I wanted to believe that it would get better, and am still waiting, but now I realize that it will never happen. My life is passing me by. I am 52 years old, been through a very traumatic death of my husband and thought I had met the man of my dreams. He has 2 children from a previous marriage, and they don’t want anything to do with him. Now I fully understand why. He is very abusive and trashes myself and my family each time he drinks. My self esteem has plumited, and I have gained a ton of weight, thinking that I am not worth it. I am a real estate agent, and a very successful one at that. He criticizes the way I do business, and calls me stupid. I just feel that there is no way out. I am stuck. He does not work or when he does it is very sporatic. No one wants to hire him, he can’t keep a job. We live in a very isolated spot, and have very little contact with friends and family. I need to get the guts to just leave, but I am worried about my home as I have worked so hard to make it happen. I have good kids and a wonderful family that he trashes any chance he gets. Today he got a call from the Family Responsibilty office and they want payment for his kids, guess who will have to pick up the tab, me!! I am tired, I want myself back. Any advise for me???

84. Shelley on November 25th, 2008 11:39 pm

    It’s so sad to hear so many stories that sound so familiar. I have stayed in a loveless, sexless marriage for 18 years to a ‘functional’ alcoholic who drinks every day. We don’t fight, but barely speak. I should have bailed early in the marriage before my daughter was old enough to know what she now knows. She’s a great kid but I believe will have to face a lot of pain when this all comes to an end – which is inevitable. What kept me here was the fact that if I left, my daughter and I would likely have to deal with his next partner or she would be put in a position of doing things for him that he should do for himsef, so I would rather stay in control and give up these years than deal with that unknown. Of course money is so often an issue. I actually make more money than my husband because he works in construction and only works a portion of the year. Gives him more time to wallow and drink during the winter! I have immeasurable patience and have held onto the hope that someday it will be over. I’m sure there is something psychologically wrong with that, but it’s the choice I can live with. I am at most 4 years from the end. It may be much sooner. A few years ago I read the book ‘Marriage on the Rocks’ and it was like a slap in the face. How could this person be looking in my windows and know exactly what was going on in my household. It’s very painful and far more common than I think is discussed. Alcohol is the devil.

85. Danielle Ujueta on November 28th, 2008 3:09 pm

    I don’t know how to leave. He stopped drinking for years and I am back on the same boat. I am emotionally being abused by this situation and I have come to terms that I am as sick as he is. I realized that due that I choose to leave this way. He got arrested for a DUI last month and has not learned his lesson. I was up all night waiting for him..I cant even cry anymore…I don’t see a way to help him. I need help my self and I have taken the first step by making an appointment to see someone and help my self and leave. My Heart is broken. How can a person tell you they love you and hurt you at the same time?

    Danielle

86. Lisa on November 30th, 2008 6:01 pm

    I am so torn. I was married for 23 years to a non-alcoholic but our marriage ended and I met Dave. It was a rebound situation. He “adores” me. He wants to be joined at the hip. He never looks at another woman. He also drinks from the moment he gets up until he goes to bed. He has no anger issues, but he ruined Thanksgiving by getting drunk and slurring his words so much I had to call and cancel everyone from coming to my house. He is in debt up to his eyeballs and now I am, too. I don’t blame him for that, I make my own decisions, but they have been poor ones. He also didn’t file taxes for the five years prior to our marriage and even has reneged on payday check places. I’ve been married to Dave for over 3 years now, but we own nothing together and I make sure it stays that way. I’m 48 and he’s 51. He has flat out told me he will not quit drinking. He says he’s been an alcoholic since he was 17 and that’s how he’ll stay. The problem is there is addiction all through my family and I tend to drink more when I’m with Dave than when I’m not. He encourages my drinking, which makes it worse. I care about him, but I don’t love him. I think that I just don’t want to be alone…

87. Barbara on December 5th, 2008 4:49 am

    I sound like everyone else here. I’ve been living with an alcoholic boyfriend i met on Ebay. I thought he was so funny, so smart. I had no real idea of the extent of his problem. He has quit the adderall but the drinking has gotten worse. At first he wasn’t abusive but now every time he drinks he throws me into the garage and tells me to leave that he wants his house to himself, etc. more verbal abuse. then he doesnt remember even saying all this. When i moved in with him 4 years ago , i had a band, had savings felt good about myself. Now i am feeling so bad about myself, have no money left , and can’t get a job which he berates me for. I still have the band but he see it as a waste since i make no money but i havent been able to play my guitar in His house. The problem with us is we have nothing together. I love him but i’m so confused that i feel so bad i can barely function. He makes good money on an internet site that he doenst have to work at. Now hes got a 2nd job and I thought maybe he would straighten out but hes drinking a little every day, but on his days off he drinks and gets abusive and i’m scared that I will get thrown in the garage again. I put a deposit on an apt but now I cant find a job and just sell on ebay and its not enuf to move. I could get by somehow but its scary but i’m so angry that after 4 years hes got tons of money saved and i’m in debt. I love things about him but theres no plans nothing. we don’t leave the house together as i’m scared to death cause of the times we went out to dinner etc he ended up punching out the car windows and scaring me to death. not to speak of him driving drunk even though i had gotten hurt in a bad wreck from someone who was on his 3rd dui. I know that i can’t make him stop and even if I leave if won’t help. my problem is I keep threatening to leave but don’t . I can’t even get in my car and drive to LA for my business which is no good cause he puts me down and then I feel like hes right and i’m wasting my time . I went to a trade school here in vegas and now can’t get a job. he acts like i’m not trying but the bottom line is i feel so bad about myself I give up . its also hard cause of the economy. now its 2am and I can’t sleep again. i was taking xanax for panic attacks but I want to stop cause theyre making me depressed and unclear in my thinking. hes 45 and i’m older but that doesnt seem to be an issue . the drinking is. I don’t go to alinon as i cant relate to the group here. I feel like I need to leave but i’m frozen cause he does have good points. i’m happy sometimes just staying home with him but he keeps me from working on my computer and then i end up in debt. but he gets all his work done. sorry about all this blabering but i’m so frustrated and confused and now its almost the holidays. thanks for listening .
    me

88. Joanna on December 11th, 2008 9:18 pm

    I am sitting here in my room disgusted. My Husband is an alcoholic and on meth to control a pill addiction. The meth treatment cost over 300.00 a month not to mention the cost of beer and vodka. I am so unhappy all of the time. I wanted kids but we never had any and we have been together 8 years. I am 43 so that dream is gone. He has three from his first marriage and they never come here and dislike me for having to be the parent with rules when they were younger. I had to be because he was on pills and drunk and I was here to cover the visitations. I was trying to hold down the fort, save his time with his kids but it turned out all worng. Now they are grown, he is depressed because they do not like me. He drinks all day everyday, sleeps until 1 or 2 gets up and starts all over again. He does not work but brings in money from a rental property. It is barely enough to pay the house payment utilities and his addiction. I work and pay for all our food, clothes, gifts, insurance, car payment, credit cards, loans and taxes. I do not want to be married to him at all. I am so angry at him and I am so repulsed by the person he has become. He can not even carry on an intelligent conversation, he can not remember any thing we ever talk about, He barely makes sense half the time. He has no nouns left in his vocabulary. He can not do anything by himslef around the house. i work about 10 hours a day and come home and cook and grocery shop and wash clothes. Our house is a mess. I have 9 animals that are my life. that is the only thing I have that is worth anything to me. I have no friends and no social life at all. I love my job and have “work friends” I do not want them to meet my husband because he embarrasses me. He never even brushes his hair unless I tell him to do it. He wears dirty clothes and forgets to brush his teeth. He smokes around people who dislike it, he cusses all the time, he smell like beer and vodka all the time. Plus, no one can converse with him because he makes no sense.
    But still I stay. I can not support myself on what I make. We survive because he has family money that keep our head just above the drowning line. However, we can not save any, we can not plan for our future because he does not have any dreams, goals or interests. I will not have sex with him and have not since June. I just can not stand to be that close to him. I think if he got clean and sober, that maybe I could find what it was that I fell in love with. I have no where else to go and no family to speak of. So either way I will be lonely. I am lost. He has been to rehab 5 times in 8 years, he quit AA and will not go back and he will not quit drinking. He has said so. Where can I go and keep my animals and have the one thing that makes me happy. the only living things that have stayed with me through this awful life I have created for myself. Please know that my husband is a kind person, he is never violent or mean. He is passive aggressive and it wears me out. I think it is just as painful as loud verbal bickering. I am the one that does that. I do not drink or smoke anymore. After reading this I am beginning to see that becoming a no drinker is common among people stuck in alcoholic relationships. I used to party a lot. Now, any smell of alcohol makes me feel sick. this has been going on since I got married. On our honeymoon, he had no money and I had to pay for everything. turned out he has a huge stash of pills and that is why he had no money. What is the matter with me. I do not have kids, it should be simple really. Just pack and go, but I am afraid and I have no idea of what. Except not being able to keep my animal babies.

89. sandi on December 25th, 2008 12:24 pm

    hello to you all. it’s christmas day. the man i thought was my best friend and lover for 2 years, never called last night. the beginning was great. but, hindsight is 20/20. all the signs were there. i’m so glad his interaction with my children was limited. these men are text book alcoholics. as women we have the gift of intuition. we have to listen to that. we are as sick as they are and it’s up to us to get out of the relationship. the only way to change a relationship is to change yourself. i want each one of us to look down at your hand, then take the other and hold it. you are your own best friend. love YOU. take yourself and hold YOU. what would we tell our daughters if they came to us with the stories of a life with an alcoholic. forgive yourself and smile…..better days are ahead. be well.

90. lamy on December 27th, 2008 12:33 am

    my fiance and I are on the verge of marriage, we’ve been together since two years and since i work and study overseas he always promised me to quit drinking because he loves me and he doesn’t wanna die young ( he knows he is a winno) 4 months ago he moved out to my place and now we’re living together, and i simply can’t take him any more, he drinks and insist on people to drink as well. i was happy and easy going but since he moved out, am so angry and stressed, and the harder thing is that i love him and i know he loves me back even more, and i wanna marry him more than any thing in the world, but as soon as i think of my commitment life with him when we marry, i get scared and frustrated and confused
    Plz people help me ! all i do is cry and i have more anxity attaks and am so desperate !

91. laura on December 30th, 2008 2:56 pm

    wow… ok, deep breath… i have been married to an alcoholic for nearly three years and together for about five years. i have the same story as most of you… hiding drinks, sneaking drinks, dui’s, jail time, falling down stairs and cracking his head open as i hold a towel up to a bleeding head as the paramedics are on their way… all while my 4 year old is upstairs asleep… he was sober for 9 months, and i felt as if i had my life back, but he has started drinking again. he has been to three rehabs, and i always think he is going to stop, but he wont. he wants to go to counseling but to be honest, i think i am done. i told him to leave for a while as i get my thoughts together, but i dont think i am going to ask him to come back. coming back and being together while he tries to stay sober is just a short term solution. as i look at the big picture of what my life will be, i know that i would never trust him alone with my daughter and i know that i would never have a child with him. he is always on and off working, so i know he will never be able to support me financially or for that matter emotionally, which is more important. i am going to be one of those wives that leaves, and i am going to be proud of myself. i just have to do it. its hard, but when i think of what my life is going to be a year from now, i still see it being the same… constantly worrying… constantly crying… constantly wanting better for me and my daughter… to all of you out there try to find the courage to leave. i have wanted to do it in the past, but now i know it is the best decision. thank you to all of you that have listened to my story and thank you to all of you that have posted. it feels good to know that others are feeling like i do.

92. Alissa on December 31st, 2008 6:01 pm

    Hi. I hope this website still exists. I have been married almost twenty years, and have two boys 9 and 12 years-old. They love their dad very much, but I don’t any more. He has put me through so much. I have thought about leaving him so many times before but just could not do it because I love my children too much, and did not want to lose my status – living comfortably on his paycheck. My husband tells me that he still cares about me and swears that he will not drink again, but I just can’t trust him any more and I know he will do it again.. I want to leave him because there are so many man out there.. I am 41 already, and don’t want to be a single at 45 or something.. Should I leave him even if that would affect the boys in many ways? or should I stay and be miserable for the kids’ sake… I feel so trapped.. Help..

93. Shay on December 31st, 2008 11:26 pm

    Reading what others have wrote has hopefully given me the strength to do what I need to do- LEAVE. I’ve been with my common law husband for almost 7 years- we have 2 kids. I have put up with verbal abuse, financial instability, a constant emotional roller coaster the whole 7 years. He is a functioning alcoholic and can hold down a job but is just miserable to be with. The kids love him and I know leaving will be hard- emotionally and financially. My oldest child has developed a behaviour problem (oppositional defiance disorder) which I know is caused from the consequences of his drinking. He has made promises to quite, but he always breaks them. In hindsight, the best thing I could have done was 6 years ago when I found out I was pregnant with his child, I should have left him and raised my daughter on my own. I thought he would change when she was born, I thought the same with baby #2 but that never happened, he kept drinking. He blamed ME for his problems…it is always someone elses fault. He has some good qualities but those soon disappear when he starts to drink, he drinks at home and figures that since he is at home that it is ok. 12 beer or a bottle of wine every night is not ok. I wish I would have left years ago but my moment of clarity was about 6 months ago when we had about $20 to our name, I needed milk and diapers for our youngest child and you can guess what he bought- wine and cigarettes. We both work, have good jobs but I’ve lived to understand that it will never be enough for him, because of his addiction- he will always be broke. I am trying to put away money (which is really hard to do since we don’t have any extra) but I think of my kids and how he puts them #2, it breaks my heart. By leaving him I will be giving up many nice material things (they are owned by the bank anyway) and my credit will take a hit but I will be getting my FREEDOM. I want to give my kids a life, I truly believe that I will be a better person and parent by leaving him. Please don’t ever think you can change an alcoholic, because you can’t- as much as it hurts LEAVE and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE, YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

94. Penny on January 4th, 2009 1:22 am

    Well, I am married to an alcoholic. I tried and tried to get help for him I bought self help books. I paid an outrageous amount of money for health products to make him feel better. Only to have him go out and drink after he took them. I have set up appointments for counceling., Only went once… Counceling through the church.. Once. I even was on the phone for a solid week getting him set up for treatment. They said he would have to be sober 7 days before he could go in. Because they didn’t have any medical staff there, and if he needed medication, they wouldn’t be able to help with that. So he went without alcohol to the 7th day. The day he was to go into treatment , He Drank…. Go Figure that one out!….. the first man I was with was an alcoholic, the 2nd a drug addict, 3rd Alcoholic… And I am going to tell you all something I have figured out.. It is us… We pick these men for a reason. and If we would get the help we need. Then I feel we wouldn’t pick these losers…I am going to be very clear with my husband. I want out of this marriage. I am threw negotiating with him. I am not trying to save him anymore. I am saving myself. No more agreements or expectations. He is not a person I can make agreements with. He is not a person whose future is predictable. He is for the moment., A hopeless alcoholic. And All We can really do is Save Ourselves…………

95. sue on January 6th, 2009 7:00 pm

    i met my parnter just over two years ago, he had a job and a home and at first we spent alot of time out drinking together and i just ignored the signs of his drink “problem”. after a couple of months he quit his job and eventually lost his home too. he moved in with me despite the fact that he was violent and nasty i stayed with him. i know now that im with him because of m own insecurities. my first husband cheated on me lots of times and i realise im with this new partner now because it unlikely that any other woman would want him. he is a safe bet in that he needs me. i support him financially, he is unemployed, i buy his drink and his cigarettes and his pot. he lives in my home i buy his clothes, take him out, buy him gifts and try to be supportive with him quitting drinking and having relapses, a normal, sane, self respecting woman would not want him so i know he wont cheat. my son is 18 and he must be so upset watching what i am doing with my life but i feel too guilty to kick my partner out. he will have no one else. i am loosing my confidence, im in debt, im miserable and stressed but something inside me keeps saying “give him one more chance”. ive lost count of the number of times ive had to call the police and all my neighbours have all seen and heard his vicious, drink fuelled outburts. i feel so stupid for letting myself get into this situation. i wish i could walk away. both my parents were alcoholics and i think im “trained” for this life – its part of my codependency. i feel so weak and ashamed but i feel traped too cos im worried if i give up on him something bad might happen to him, the time i say its over might be the time it was going to start working out ok?

96. trying2healjustlikeu on January 7th, 2009 12:59 am

    Dear all,

    Thank you for sharing your touching stories. I am so glad that I went through each and every email. I am finally gathering courage to leave my husband of two years. We were together for 3+ years. Yes just like some of you I married him in spite of knowing his alcohol problem. And the saddest part of all is I completed homeopathy training while I was going through this trauma. I just realized that if I want to be a healer, I need to heal myself first. He has utterly exhausted me physically, emotionally and mentally. I work as an engineer to support myself but lately I have been finding myself so exhausted to learn any new stuff. I love my husband a lot but I need to do what is needed for my soul’s healing.
    Sending all of you lots of healing energy, blessings and oxytocin hug.

97. Tammy on January 7th, 2009 11:24 am

    I’ve read so many of your stories and each of them sound familiar to me in some sort of way. I think I am married to an alcoholic. But not the kind that goes to bars and stays out all night, the kind that drinks at home and is very adjusted. We’ve been married 17 years and have 2 beautiful girls. My husband is a good provider for his family and has never been physically abusive. He drinks 4 to 5 nights a week but doesn’t always “get drunk” (it takes alot to get him there). However, my children are beginning to notice and even ask, “Is dad drinking tonight?” It breaks my heart to see that he chooses drinking over spending time with his children and me. He can be very critical and says hurtful things when he drinks. I have begged him for years to stop but he thinks that he’s a grown man and should be able to enjoy his beer whenever he wants it. I have threatened to leave but it doesn’t effect him. He refuses to admit that he has a problem. I have been a designated driver for 17 years and now I am beginning to resent him. I hate being around him when he’s drinking but I love him when he’s not. Do I truly have a problem or is it just me?

98. Ann on January 14th, 2009 5:04 pm

    I have been married for 22 years. I left my alcoholic husband November of 2007 and am now filing for divorce. I had threatened him many times it was me or the alcohol and he would promise me this was his last bottle, he will stop next week, etc. I believed him everytime and he was always lying and he would hide the bottles (gin) everywhere: house, garage, outside, in his truck, etc. When I finally left I had to leave my house and I went and got an apartment which I am still in. The house is in foreclosure, my credit is ruined and that all hurts alot but it is still better then living with the person I no longer know. It is a very sad thing and I do stil love him and probably always will but it was FINALLY time to think of myself and my son. Husband still drinks, lives with his mother, got a DUI and lost his job (over a year ago). I pray he does get better but he has tried (when I was with him) rehab and drank probably the day he got out. It is time to get my life back but it is slow and I do see a therapist which helps. It is hard to think of yourself once you have been an enabler for so long. The road to healing is going to be long but it is well worth it for me and my son. Good luck to all that are still in a relationship with an alcoholic and think they can never leave. I did it and thought I NEVER would.

99. c on January 18th, 2009 5:52 pm

    The writing was right…I would not have found this site unless I was in a situation that led me here to begin with. I just passed 2 1/2 years with my spouse who is an alcoholic. He always says he wants to quit after there is a fight or an incident…I’ve fallen for it one too many times thinking that he would honestly change. It has come apparent now that the power of alcohol is too great and that I am not able to stick around any longer…I always get told “bless your heart for putting up with him.” I know people want to say they are sorry, etc. but I don’t want to be the person who has lost years of their life sticking around with someone that will not improve theirs. His problem has already caused problems for me with friendships (he embarrasses me really bad), problems at work and problems emotionally. It took me a while to get the strength to want to move on. I guess a part of me did not want to deal with the pain and stress of the divorce process and fear of his retaliation. But it is only getting worse and will get worse. I can no longer be victimized. I can no longer accept it from going on any longer. Getting out is going to be hard to do but it is my only option to get my life back. I wish luck to anyone in this situation who chooses to move forward to get their life back. Since I am in it I know it is not easy.

100. Lynn on January 24th, 2009 10:02 pm

     Hello all! I posted Nov 19,2008. It’s a new year and a new beginning. Since I last posted- I met up with my alcoholic bf. Well not sure if we are still together. Sounds crazy-but we never broke up. He never gave me a chance too. He finally emailed me a few days before my bday and told me “happy early bday.” I was actually shocked he emailed me-s of course I emailed him back. I asked him to meet me so we can at least say good bye in person. He agreed. He was so angry when we met. He was there, but not there-I couldn’t see anything in eyes-that specialness we once held-the person I once knew-there was nothing. By that time I was seeing a therapist and I found out-what my problem was- I am codependent. OF COURSE! BINGO. So I told myself-ok I have a name for my sickness-how do I deal with this-how do I make myself to stop trying to “fix” him and fix myself. It is hard…..VERY hard. I love this man who love his bottle first…so sad, but I decided that I couldn’t do this anymore. Everyone how is on this site is here for a reason. I SUGGEST YOU READ….”CODEPENDENT NO MORE-HOW TO STOP CONTROLLING OTHERS AND START CARING FOR YOURSELF” by Melody Beattie. This book screamed my name on every single page. If anything-pick up this book and the last and most important thing- is LET GO AND LET GOD. He has been here for every step of the way….. if you feel like you are alone-you are not. God is waiting with open arms. Don’t get me wrong-I still miss him and love him very much-but I love myself more. I need to let him go and let him live-he is an adult. When we had met- he told me straight out- I WILL NEVER STOP DRINKING- You can’t make me stop drinking-!!!!!!!!! Yes-he is right-I can’t make him stop drinking- if I didn’t read the book-I would of thought- “if you loved me -you’d stop drinking!!!!!!” Everyone- it’s not that he/she doesn’t love you- they are telling you-they don’t love themselves….if anyone wants to talk-email me. It’s good to talk to someone who is walked a mile in your shoes…

101. laura on January 25th, 2009 8:27 am

     hello again~
     i posted on 12/30/08 and i have finally filed for separation from my alcoholic husband of 3 years. i cant believe that i did it, but i guess i am stronger than i think i am. since, then, i feel like i am able to breathe again. i dont have the constant worry about the unknown. i know what is going on in my life and i know that someone else is not out there controlling my every thought and consuming my life… even though my daughter is only 6, our times together now are relaxed and fun again. its a blessing…my only problem now is that he will not accept that i am leaving this marriage. after another failed suicide attempt by him, he is still texting and calling me and telling me that he loves me. hearing that makes me sick. i know that i am not in love with him anymore, but the best part is that i know i cant be. i know that i cant love someone that has this addiction. its too painful in so many ways.
     to tammy, yes i do think that your husband is an alcoholic. i know how you are hurting when he puts your kids second. i am so sorry that you have to go through that.
     again, thank you to all of you that have posted. when i see my inbox in my email and there are emails from all of you i feel hope and confidence that i have made the right decision. take care…as i am trying to do…

102. Teri on January 26th, 2009 2:34 pm

     I couldn’t even read all of these descriptions…it was very revealing to me. I didn’t know that there were so many similar situations and so many people who could benefit from knowing each other and supporting each other. But, the alcoholic “partner” takes up so much of our energy that we don’t have the strength to seek and find support and drar the strength from it, to take care of ourselves.
     I identified with the story about the person who met up with their husband while they were both drinking. That’s my situation. The co-dependent behavior, the addictive personality both seem to be part of my personality. That’s what makes it hard to tell my partner that the drinking is excessive. After all, I did the same thing for 8 years, right along side of J.
     Now that I have decided that this life is not what I want, not satisfying, not fun, not even reasonably respectful, I find it everso difficult to just get out. I am not financially dependent, and I am capable of taking care of myself. I even have an apartment of my own that I have not “moved” into. It’s sitting there, all furnished…only things lacking are my clothes and my personal itmes…pictures and small items that I treasure.
     I hope to go there…soon…but the guilt is keeping me there, and the addiction to the addict is the biggest issue…I cannot imagine a life without this.

103. Amy on January 29th, 2009 4:11 pm

     It is time. Everyone’s story is so much the same. So sad that we have to (or have) dealt with any of this nonsense. I have been with him for 10.5 years now and we have two young daughters (7 and 3). I have threatened and never followed through. After his binge he would apologize and say that was his last time and I always thought that it would get better. Maybe I just hoped it would. Throughout the years due to his drinking he has been in a hit and run (because he had no license and thought that would be better than getting a 4th DWI), we had to foreclose on a home, he lost numerous jobs, I have had 2 restraining orders on him, he rolled another vehicle (still without a license), and had many other legal issues. The girls have seen this all, seen his outrage when he is drunk. They have seen that he will just leave for a week at a time without calling once. The most recent times, they don’t even ask where he is – that is sad when it is just normal to them. So I would hope and pray that this time would be the last – that he finally means it – after all, I did not want to split up the family – and I would take him back. Now I am finally thinking that it does not matter if he gets sober, because no matter what he can never promise me that tomorrow it will not happen again. I have been with him since I was 20 and now I am 31. I will not waste anymore time unhappy. I have not been the best mother I can be, I have not been the best ME I can be. Since I have made the decision to finally go, it has been wonderful… yes the stresses of him is still there (we are still in the same house). But I can let them go. I will be out within the month. And never again will he disappoint me, never again will he use our bill money on Vodka, never again will I have to hide the car keys or my cell phone or my debit card. Never again will I depend on him to be there. Never Again! I am free!

104. Deb McConnell on January 31st, 2009 8:02 pm

     Hi, I am so glad that I found this website……Usually I’m an outdoors person when I’m not working, so, it’s a good thing it’s cold and icy and winter and I was frustrated and found this website. I feel empowered already just by reading what others have shared and realizing I really am not alone…….I think that’s what gets you besides all the ‘crazy’ behavior is the feeling of being alone and that no=one else is going through this and how everyone else is happily married, etc……….and, what’s wrong with me? I now realize that there is no easy way out, but, to just, play it by ear, keep plugging along, and take it slowly as in it took me this long to get where I’m at and I know it’s not going to happen overnight to change everything, including myself………It’s almost we’re conditioned to think we’re going to help or ’save’ this person and thus we get sucked in and keep holding on, but, the only thing that really changes is that it keeps getting worse……….Thank all of you who shared what a sexless, loveless marriage you’re in and it helped me because I’m about to turn 50, consider myself a catch and fun and loving and very giving and yet this man that I can’t seem to get rid of just keeps hanging around and thinks he ‘loves’ me when he’s not drank for maybe a day, and calls this love when we haven’t slept together in a year and half and he even hates to be touched or hugged and not much for conversation let alone support…………I am planning my way out and just landed a better job and gaining more confidence and believing in myself! I am not a doormat to be walked on……….How could God bless a union like this? Thanks for listening……….I don’t feel so alone and rejected now!!!!!!!!!!

105. andrea mezouki on February 3rd, 2009 1:13 am

     hello everybody,

     get out as soon as you can, financially and emotionally. unfortunatly i am stlll in it.but i know the time is up. as soon i am financially stable, i be gone. it will never change.i take my responsiblity in having a part, that made it easy for him to be a drunk.
     it is truly tragic, to be with an alcoholic. what a waste of time and life.after it is over, we going to ask ourselve why did we stay, why did we put up with this BS..

106. Mary on February 4th, 2009 10:39 pm

     I have loved an alcoholic for 11 years. We met in middle school, and of course he had a very difficult childhood. We dated through high school, then broke up when I went to college. After two years, we started dating again–of course, this was the time when everyone drank, so I didn’t pay any attention to his habits. Until they got worse. And worse. And he was drinking everyday–he was never, ever mean, whether he was drinking or not. He always had steady employment and worked hard to improve his skills. I think some women would be happy to have such a man, despite his drinking, and I have been incredibly happy with him…but there is a huge hole in him, which he fills with alcohol. He knows that he is an alcoholic, and he knows that only God can fill that hole, but he is too broken to let go of his control. He was arrested for a party fight 2 years ago, has been charged with multiple DUIs, and when he moved in with me he continually broke the house rule of no binge drinking. Of course he promised and repented so many times, and I love him so dearly, but I recognize now the differences between when our relationship is healthy and when it is not, between when we are happy and when we are not–and it all swings around his alcoholism. Tonight, I realized that we cannot go on. I know that he will not change, and I can’t handle the stress and anxiety any longer. One day, if he ever replaces the alcoholism with something genuine, I know he will be one of the most amazing men, and I only pray that he would be in my life then. I will love him always.

107. jennifer on February 4th, 2009 11:13 pm

     its been 5 days since he got drunk while i was at work and could not find him. Our phone conversation that day keeps replaying in my mind. He was at the bar stating how ” he loves me and my kids so much he was gonna get the best job ever and take care of us”. After that he wouldnt answer his phone. Mutual friends said he was drunk at some bar. i showed up and he was in his ” out of control drunk rage” again. I told him not to come home like ive been doing for 2 years when he gets drunk and mean. Im a single mom with 2 kids, not his, and we live together. I feel awfull and wonder what really happens and worry every time i wont let him come home after his episodes. i cant handle him when he is drunk. he will not pass out, just keeps going on in a rampage. its like something happens to him when he drinks, another person. The things he does are unforgivable and mean. i always have him come back. Its always my fault in the begining and a day later he is sorry. its like i predict the future and im walking on eggshells when he drinks. i believe him that im not a good person. ive had a bad childhood and always find the ones with drug and alcohol addiction. He blacks out and cant remember peeing the bed or in the closet, or shoving me down, or giving me away at the seahawks game like a hoe to strangers, even cutting his wrists and leaving me a voicemail saying he is has offed himself because of me. in the end i take him back, so here he is calling and texing. blaming me, then to sorry and saying he wont drink again.i drink too and have been drunk before but i pass out. i feel like i should take him back and if we both never drink again it could work out. i dont know if i could never drink again to support him. i dont care alot about drinking but i do enjoy a few beverages with my man or friends now and then .ive stated i want a break but he wont listen. He told me if i wont let him back he is gone forever. thanks to this page im hoping i can stick to needing a break and wont give in to him right now. im not the one who gets out of control but why do i feel so bad for him? he sleeps in his car and gives me all these guilt trips. he is an ex marine and has ptsd. Im curious if he has a mental illness or is an alcoholic? both? he can go without drinking all the time but about once a month or so he will drink alot and get drunk and out of control. i know this is not the life i want for me and my kids. im so confused…and my phone keeps going off. is it me enabling him or me with my own problems that makes him turn on me when he is drunk? i feel like getting drunk myself just to make the days go by but i cant handle drinking to by pass time and for feeling depressed.i just want a normal family life, one my kids will tell their kids how good they had it. thanks to ur site and all these stories i have better hope for tomorrow.. i really need it at this minute cuz my new text says how much he wants to make things work and will quit drinking to have this family back. do i make him stay away till he proves this? do i help him get help? or do i turn my back for a break and hope he does what he needs to ? or walk away forever? ive been told to follow my heart but its always in pieces not working right after his episodes.the last thing i want is to be one of the women on here who had this go on for 10, 20, or 30 years.

108. Mis on February 13th, 2009 2:05 pm

     UPDATE-I have been away from my alcoholic for just over 3 months,my depression has lifted,I am enjoying my kids and myself so much more than in the past.I just wanted to let all of you know that you can do it,the first step is the hardest but,not any harder than what you have been dealing with already.Good luck and God bless!!

109. Teri on February 16th, 2009 9:47 pm

     I was with someone for 19 years. Yes I love him more than life it self. We had many break ups through those years. He on more than one occasion did time in jail for his drinking. I have lost track of the number of rehab stays he has had. The number of times I sat by his bedside while he was in a local hospital to detox. He would see things, have seizures, many issues when he quits. I have bathed him because he was to weak. He then to this date throws in my face I don’t have unconditional love for him. He did quit drinking for a long period of time to the point he was getting his license back, his car had a breath devise in order for the car to start. Once again he started drinking again. One day our teenage son was suppose to be watching his sister, him seeing his father sober my son decided to go with friends. That is the day I made my decision to leave. I had to search for my daughter and when I finally found them there was her father trying to get her to blow into the device. He tried again to stay sober to have his family back. He has started again. As with all of us this is not even the tip of the ice berge being with a drinker. I still cry I am so afraid that I will have to bury him. My childern are the ones I have to protect.

110. sherry on February 22nd, 2009 3:16 am

     On a night when my husband has showed he has no interest in me . We had some friends come over. He is interested in every female but me in the party. This has been this way this we was married 15 years ago . I can not takeit any more. Some one said tonight that I am alway a good sport. I am not. I watch him with all the other girls and fall down druck. I am done with this after 15 years. He is drinking ever night.

111. nancy on February 22nd, 2009 7:41 am

     I was reading about the life that Tammy is going thru, I too..have the same thing! We have been married for 10 years, I knew he likes his beer, that was ok..in the beginning. Ten years later, drinking all the time, just at the bars, in the garage, always planning his next adventure with the guys, coming home drunk and I look at him now with such anger and disgust.This is my second marriage, my first husband left me and my 2 children, so I was looking for someone to help raise my children and have a life for all of us, we had a child, and now she is 9 and asks me what time time does daddy come home from the bar tonight mom?That was my wake up call…..I have threatened him that we were gonna get seperated and leave, he says go right ahead, but when we try he breaks down and promises me things will change, I say ok and it lasts a week…then right back to the same thing.I even keep a log, day, amount of money spent, what time he came home, how he treated me…..showed it to him and he said I know I have a problem…deal with it. My problem is I have been, my 2 older children hate him and show NO respect for him and now they are older it is me and my 9 yr old, and we are looking for a place to live…..all I can say is be strong, and do it for yourself and if you have kids…do it for them, I dont want my kids to turn out like him…I need to checnge the path and show them there is better out there.

112. Melissa on April 7th, 2009 12:43 pm

     Hi – Like other people posting on this website, I couldn’t believe what I found when I googled “when should I leave my alcoholic husband”. We have been married 15 years, together for 18. I met him in a bar, and our first date was in a bar, so I should have heard warning bells, but I didn’t. I had just gotten out of a painful relationship with another addict and SG seemed so nice. Actually, he is very nice when he’s sober, caring, loving to our dogs, concerned about how others view him. Unfortunately, he drinks most nights until he passes out on the couch. We now sleep in separate bedrooms because I told him he snores so loudly when he drinks that he keeps me awake. Instead of cutting down on or quitting the drinking, he sleeps in our extra bedroom most nights. We haven’t had sex in months, partly because he never approaches me, partly because I feel so angry and disconnected from him. He will make suggestive comments, usually when he’s been drinking, but then he doesn’t (or can’t) follow through. His parents (mother now deceased) are heavy drinkers and obviously condone his behavior. He brings wine, liquor and beer home and hides it from me (of course, I know where he keeps it). He lost his job of 22 years 5 years ago and blamed it on restructuring. However, he has a bad temper, and I suspect that he might have done something to get himself fired. No one from his former job keeps in touch with him at all, and he did have a few friends there. He has been self-employed for five years in seasonal work, and he refuses to get a job in the 4-5 months of winter when he can’t work outside. I make the bulk of the money and pay most of the bills. When he is working, I tell him I need $1500 per month from him to pay some bills; he’s reluctant to give it to me, but he does. About 4 years ago, we took out a home equity loan of $35000 so he could get into business with his brother. I had a bad feeling about the business venture but didn’t say anything because he was so depressed after losing his job. To make a long story short, the business tanked, and we lost $35000. I have managed to pay the debt down to $16000, but that’s still a lot of money. I have threatened to leave him twice, but both times, someone in his family died (!). It seemed like an omen, so I stayed. He cried both times and said he’d do better, but he’s gotten worse. If I call him at night when I’m out and need a ride, he’s too drunk to pick me up ( I normally drive, but I’ve had car trouble a few times). The most recent instance of not being there for me is one of the saddest to me. I work full-time and finally finished a 60-credit master’s program that took me four years to complete. Instead of coming to my graduation, which I told him about a month ago, he planned a trip to go away with his brother. Graduating is in 3 weeks, but he has no plans to cancel his trip. Some girlfriends are coming to cheer me on instead. I thought he knew how much this means to me (and how much it should mean to him, since I’ll be able to take a second job as a therapist), but apparently, he doesn’t care. (Ironically, I seem to be able to counsel others much better than I can counsel myself). I want to separate while I’m relatively young (45), but he won’t leave, and I pay most of the bills and the mortgage. I love who he was, and hold out hope that he’s still there under the alcoholism, but I feel like my life is being chipped away every day. He is oblivious to my feelings and probably doesn’t suspect how I feel (I told him before, and he knows I hate his drinking, but he is the Prince of Denial). I’m afraid he’ll crash and burn if I leave, and I’m afraid I’ll disintegrate if I don’t. If anyone has any advice at all, I’d welcome it. I’ve been to Al-Anon, I’ve read the Hazelden books, I’ve been through counseling, but I’m starting to realize the problem isn’t me. Alcohol is now SG’s wife.

113. Ann Owens on April 21st, 2009 2:27 pm

     I left my alcoholic husband after 5 years of shear drunk. I was miserable, attended Al-ano, counceling, nothing helped me, I have a great friends circle, have great counceling, & looking forward to a brighter future than sitting in an upstairs bedroom all alone night after night listening to the drunk downstairs stumbling around. Am so happy to be out of that situation, I feel like a new person. I grieve for all our “first marriage dreams/plans/retirement future, but I have new dreams, a new life, and have my soul back. If you wonder should I leave or should I stay, Go, now, make your plans, & run, fast, & far away. You’ll be glad you did.

114. Cathy Haney on April 28th, 2009 12:08 pm

     I have never reached out before this on a website. My heart goes out to you all. Could you please give me your opinion? I’ve been married for nearly 32 yrs to a person with a very addictive personality. He kicked the pot early on but replaced it with drinking. Over the years he has stopped off and on after my threats. Ten years ago I nearly left. He was so mean and nasty to me and everyone around him, clerks, waiters, you name it. I left him that Christmas and went home to visit with my parents. Eventually things got better but it took a long time to reconnect. We never have resumed our sex life. Things got bad again a year ago Dec. By then my elderly dad was living with us. I was leaving and taking him along with me to live in an apartment but he backed out at the last minute. I had to cancel the move and still owe the apt. complex nearly 4000 dollars because I signed a lease. My dad says that my husband doesn’t drink outside the house, makes a living and I should be grateful. Also, dad got lung cancer last May and beat that with chemo and radiation. It’s been tough. He’s nearly 84 and has other health issues. I work a full time job and take care of the both of them. My dad drinks heavily as well. Not eating much anymore, just wants to drink. I spend each night alone as the two of them pass out. I have no life but can’t leave because of my dad. This morning my husband asked when I had dyed my hair. I said Sunday and you helped me with it!!! He looked at me strangely. I said, “you don’t remember do you?” He shook his head no. He doesn’t remember LOTS of things anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions? My biggest concern is the care of my dad. I feel I can’t leave because of him. It is important not to upset him over this anymore. I know, I know, I’m being held hostage but it is what it is right now.

115. Wendy on May 1st, 2009 11:57 pm

     I WILL NEVER EVEN DATE AN ALCOHOLIC OR ADDICT AGAIN. He was sober 15 years when I met him. I foolishly thought he would never drink again. I thought wrong and I lost so much, financially, emotionally, and physically. When I left him, finally, in August it was the last time. Not only had I dealt with him abusing Rx meds & secretly drinking, but his daughter & grandson consumed our lives. His daughter had a meth problem, and she basically abandoned her baby with us….$12,000 later, I said enough is enough. For you who wonder what will become of you, your lives, your issues….DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES. We come into this world alone & leave the same way. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of anyone else (your children). PUT YOURSELF FIRST & IT WILL BE HARD, BUT EVERYTHING WILL FALL INTO PLACE. BE STRONG, KEEP YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY CLOSE FOR SUPPORT, AND NEVER LOOK BACK – JUST KEEP MOVING FORWARD (just keep swimming, just keep swimming….Little Nemo). YOU ARE WORTH IT AND YOU DESERVE BETTER

116. Katie on May 14th, 2009 8:07 pm

     I don’t know what to do. I am married to an alcoholic and he has relapsed. We just spent thousands of dollars to get him through rehab after he suffered a siezure (alcohol withdraw) and crashed his car into a convenience store. I have a young child, almost 1, and I can’t bare the thought of living like this anymore. I feel like if I leave it will truley kill my husband…last time I tried to leave he holed himself up in an apt and drank himself nearly to death. His family thinks they are supportive, but basically are not really helpful. I’m afraid to tell my family again because I don’t want to hear their opinions…I should go, I should stay…I don’t have the energy to hear it from them. This is so mentally and physically exhausting and I just need to vent really. This site is very helpful and insightful…thank you.

117. Pam on May 16th, 2009 9:51 pm

     It is somewhat comforting knowing that there are other women in my shoes that know how I feel. My husband is also an alcoholic. I am disabled and trying to raise two teenagers by myself for their whole lives. He and his whole family are alcoholics and they hate me & our children because simply we are not alcoholics. I am in such pain daily – physical, mental, emotional, and just plain out exhausted!!!!! I am stuck with the house, kids, bills, dogs, and all of the other daily problems that come with a household. I need help with the house, kids, bills, and dogs and I really don’t have the money to spend to get the help. Husband lives with his alcoholic brother and has no responsibilities. I need his help, and if he does show up to help me, he is verbally abusive and ladies, guess what, everything is my fault according to him. But we know better, it is his drinking that is the problem. So bad on me that I am depressed and yelling at the kids. I am just so stressed out with everything on my back. Counselor says just get a divorce. Went to church and they just wanted my money and to abuse me also. I am one angry woman! But, I seem to blow up on the wrong people. If he is the alcoholic, then why am I so darn angry? Any suggestions ladies? I am at the end of my rope.

118. Nancy Burson on May 17th, 2009 7:29 pm

     I was married to a alcoholic and verbal abusive man for almost 35 years before divorcing him. I left him in April, 1997 and we divorced in Feb., 1998 aftering an attempt at counceling. We had dated for 4 years prior to getting married and I knew he drank, and there were times when he would have made a date with me and then either not show up at all or show up late and be drunk and then I would drive him home rather than him drive as drunk as he was, so I can’t say I didn’t know it before we married, but I was only 21 and he was 25 when we married. Before we married when he wasn’t drinking he was attentive and fun to be with, he and his brother bought a small farm with a house on it and he ask me to marry him and I accepted, while we were working on the house I got pregnant, and he never once said anything about not thinking the baby was his until two weeks after we were married and then he came home one day and said the baby I was carrying didn’t belong to him. This crushed me and then when the baby was born and he had red hair (my husband had red hair) then he claimed him. I got pregnant the 2nd time when our first son was only 5 months old, and again I was told how this baby didn’t belong to him, this time the little boy I had had dark hair like my Dad and then he told everyone who would listen to him how this was not his child that he was raising. This son as a child and as an adult is built just like his Dad’s family, walks, talks, and has all of their characteristics of his Dad’s family, yet the day of our divorce his Dad proceeded to tell the youngest and oldest sons, who both have red hair that they belonged to him, but that the middle son didn’t. The middle son is the one who his Dad does the least for, but he is also the son that does the most for his Dad. I really thought as adults that my children would understand, but they all act as though I was the one that was in the wrong and after we have had a family get-together I am depressed and sad, when I go to their homes and I see pictures of the other grandparents at family gatherings I am hurt, no pictures are taken at our family gatherings unless I take them, and I always take a lot of pictures, but none of them ever say to me, Mom you get in the picture and let me take it. My kids hurt me so much each time I am around them, that I am thinking about making excuses when they call to ask me to babysit or to attend something my grandchildren are in, because they make me feel that I can’t do anything right, can’t say the right things. I have helped my children out each and every time they have ask, I have loved them unconditionally, but I am beginning to feel that the pain I feel after being with them is not worth it. I have survived a brain aneursym which caused a stroke and have had triple heart by-pass and I do not need all the anxiety and pain that I feel after being around them. I am very seriously thinking about cutting off all relations with them even though it would mean not seeing my grandchildren that I have longed for it seems like forever. I would like to talk to my children, but if the problems lie with their wives I don’t want to cause any problems between them. I truly feel that their Dad buys them material things that they enjoy having instead of giving from the heart, and they put a higher price tag on the material things.

     Any suggestions on how to handle this without cutting off all relations with my children would certainly be appreciated.

119. laura on May 18th, 2009 1:32 pm

     hi again~
     this is my third time writing on this site, and each time i visit it, i feel so sorry for the people who have not left their alcoholic husbands/wives. i separated from my husband almost six months ago, and i feel the best i have felt in years. i am in the process of removing all of his belongings out of my house, and although it is somewhat sad, i am happy that i have made the decision to move on with my life without him. for those struggling with the decision, all that i can say is that is was the hardest thing for me to do but it was so worth it. i am no longer anxious all of the time, i dont have to be a mother to a 40 year old man, and i can honestly say that i can explore other relationships and go out with people that are not addicts. it is so refreshing to go out with a man that actually wants to pay for your dinner. its so nice to have a the same man tell me that he wil call me at night and actually have him call me. being stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic makes you feel like you will never know any different, but if you leave you will give yourself that chance. believe me, i tried sticking by his side for many years, but enough was enough and i had to get out. again, it was the best decision of my life. i am so sorry that some of you are not there yet, and thats ok, but once you are you will never look back. good luck to you all…

120. Doreen on May 20th, 2009 12:59 am

     All my letters to my alcoholic (husband) we are not married but have been together 18 years have all started with ” I never thought that it would come to this but I’m leaving you if you don’t stop your drinking ” Has he stopped ? Only in my dreams. I’ve been to Alon meetings, counseling, prayer meetings, self help books, you name it, I’ve done it. Although all of those have helped me the last 14 years, I’m basically done. I’ve raionalized all the while I’ve been with him saying “well at least he doesn’t cheat on me and he doesn’t beat me. I can deal with it. He is a very caring, and compassionate person. He holds a steady job, and gives me his pay check but IT’S JUST NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE!!! Everyday I get closer to leaving him, but I have so much to lose. I can not see beyond that fact even though I know in the back of my mind that I have alot to gain as well. What am I waiting for? I don’t know, I have three wonderful kids, and I try to make it as normal as passible but they definately know what is going on. That is what scares me the most. I realize that should steer me in the right direction, but I know that if I do leave him, he will spiral even further down and leaving him will ulitimately kill him. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself, or worse will the kids forgive me? Please pray for me!

121. Cynthia on May 25th, 2009 8:38 am

     Hi, wow, my eyes are tired after reading all this. Coldn’t stop. Our stories are all the same. Not our fault. My partner of the last two and a half years insisted that I assist him in his wild side or I must leave. So caring and attentive when sober. Two years later I have snorted cocaine and had threesomes and tried to meet this overgrown child where he has demanded in order to get my needs met. A decent home, a loving father, a good life. He’s a binge drinker, loses memory, pees in our bed. Sms women rude suggestions, doesn’t come home and of course, blames me for everything. But dare I threaten to leave, how he begs and insists on trying again and of his overwhelming love for me and belief in our destiny, blah, blah, blah. I finally ended the relationship on monday. He’s contrite and earnest, but I know, as I have always known, that him and I together will never reach his sobriety. Our relationship is damaged and it will always fall sideways. What a lovely man when he’s clear eyed, and how sad that those moments became so fleeting. No, my life and the life of my children is worth a damn sight more than living on fragile eggshells.
     I wish him well, and I pray to GOd that I never get involved with another addict again in my life, rather I be alone for ever!

122. GL Mills on May 26th, 2009 11:40 am

     I am so glad I found this site..I to have similar situation as the rest of you and do feel very alone. My husband is bipolar and a alcoholic. The verbal abuse, the selfishness, the constant “bitching:”. He used to be tolerable when he wasn’t drinking but now he is starting to become a chronic bitch when sober. He owns his own company so he never has to go to work, the pattern is sleep all day and party all night. I work full time and go to bed but he sits and drinks and comes to the bedroom at all times of night yelling and screaming about everything and anything. I guess its just nice to be able to talk to someone that knows what I am living.

123. Greta on May 28th, 2009 5:42 am

     I broke up with my partner of almost three years, last monday. We still live in the same house. He has a daughter and I have two sons. We have managed to keep the home ok (I would never dream of using “normal” – the kids have been affected) I am codependant, spent three months after suicide attempt going through rehab for it, OCD, eating disorder, etc. that was three years ago after my ex left me shattered. An i walked straight into this relationship thinking I was ok, clear, wow! I guess I don’t need encouragement, I couldn’t be more sure. Just know from passed that it is vital to stay in contact with people who can warn me if i start to slide. So, I need a sponsor. I need someone I can talk to and get advise from. My “housemate” tries to engage me in a lets get together, do this as a team for the children” talk every day and every day I have to say no. Today the florist arrived with choc and roses. He’s in the programme again, taking anti deps and anti booze and NONE of it matter s to me – I AM OUT!!! It is lonely here.
     Thanks for letting me share.
     And any of you that can see the sunrise and now that it should be beautiful Run NOW!

124. Andrea on May 31st, 2009 11:03 am

     I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now, about 8 months ago we moved in together to a house I bought on my name. The last six months he has started drinking heavily and gotten verbally abusive, always putting me down or blaming me for drinking problem. Whenever I refuse getting him more beer, coz he cant drive or walk to the liquor store, he starts a fight and always threatens to leave the next day, but he doesnt. I’ve got really tired of this emotional rollercoaster that happens about 3/week. Althought he recognizes this is an alcohol problem, he refuses to do anything about it. I have never lived with an alcoholic before, nor there were alcoholics in my family. I feel I have deserve better. I dont want to move out of my house, how can I make him move out?

125. Shay on June 27th, 2009 4:42 pm

     Update- I posted at the beginnning of 2009. I am secretely planning to move out of the house and take the kids next month. I recently went bankrupt because of the financial strain my spouse’s drinking put on the $ situation. Bankrupty, has given me a chance to walk away from all the joint debts I have with my spouse (yes the house mortgage), and start over. My parents are going to help support me while I get on my feet. I am leaving an awesome job, and I don’t have any work lined up yet for where I’m moving. I am scared but I already know that there is no future in staying, he has shown in the last 7 years that he will keep drinking. My children and I deserve the chance to take control of our lives and leaving (however hard it may be) is the only way for things to get better. Big hugs to everyone else going through this!

126. BARBARA on June 30th, 2009 2:05 pm

     I am so thankful for this site. I can see you are all going through the same issues with an alcoholic spouse. Yes, they are good when they are not drinking and make all kinds of promises but this is NOT the life I want anymore. This is my 2nd marriage and it’s been almost 20 years I’ve been with my current husband. (I’m 55, he is 62) No kids of our own but we have grandkids and dogs. I work full time and he wants to retire. I know if he “retires” he will stay home and drink. I kicked him out once, he promised he would not do it again. He got a DUI after that, and he promised he would not do it again…….so……..a few weeks ago he took Nyquil with pain pills from his root canal. Ended up calling 911, I thought he had a stroke. He promised he would not do it again…….he still drank on and off for a few days after that. Saying he had to “wind down” from drinking.” That was the final straw for me………… I sent him to live with his daughter…………….when that didn’t work anymore I sent him away to his own apartment. We can’t afford the expense but I can’t afford to have him live with me anymore. I deserve better. I’d rather be alone than go through this for another 20 years. I’ve had enough. I’m going to seek counseling, get my confidence back and seek the support of my family.

127. John on July 19th, 2009 1:01 am

     Well this time it’s not the gal leaving. I’ve been dating a great woman (when she’s not drunk/high) for about 2 months now. It’s tearing me up inside watching her do some of the things she does, as well as the things I dont see but find out later on. It hurts like hell! I’m sure you all know that though. When we met, she was going to church and had 2 wonderful kids. My daughter and them played and got along very well. However, things have gone to crap. She calls ex-boyfriends that are her old dealers and I have have a sick feeling that she maybe be trading sex for drugs…. since she has no money or job. Her parents have taken her children due to an attempted suicide a few days prior to us meeting….damn! just a few days before. Wish she had my # to call me that day. I don’t know for sure if she would have, but God how I wish the slight chance would have been present…. I think it’s time to leave now. She’s thinking of stripping as a job which will only turn this situation to worse. I know from AA and Ala non meetings that, and remember this all, “I CAN NOT FIX HER”. I have never drank,smoked, or done any illegal drugs in my life. I’m 35 and 1/2 German and 1/2 Irish….and never drink,lol. I never hear the end of that one I find text messages and phone calls to strange #s anywhere from midnight through 4am on her cell phone as well as calls to/from her home. I can’t take the lies, deceit, and God only knows what else…. I will pray for her every chance I get as well as for all of you. Your life stories will be rememered and will stay in my heart. I wish all of you the best on your new journeys. Me, I like to think of myself as a simple pawn on a chessboard. Gods playing chess and is positioning many pieces. It will take a while for a simple pawn to make it across the board and reach the other side. But when I get there…..I’ll have a Queen waiting Good Luck to you all! You’ll be in my prayers….

128. marty issel on July 25th, 2009 7:02 pm

     Whoa! I am reading this blog, with a wine glass in my hand! I have read most of the blogs, totally in tune with what is going on. My marriage has been of over 40 years, and the pain, and expectations, and longings, and sufferings, and not letting go are so familiar to me. Years ago, being in the same situation as most of your bloggers are now, I can only give them a little bit of comfort.
     I really believe that I should have left the relationship. But, because I am such a sucker for everlasting love (my parents were divorced, and my mother abandoned me), I felt that whomever I marry, it will be forever. Well, I did marry a guy, the love of my life, who made lots of money, never shared it with me, cheated on me, travelled first class everywhere he went, (never with me or my kids), did his own thing, on his own terms, and here is the end result. I am still married to him! He did become a good grandfather, because of my constant urgings. In essense, I made him look good. I am not a martyr, by any means. I am just a woman in love, who will do anything for her man, over looking her own needs. I sound almost desperate, so pathetic, because i am not strong enough to break this cycle. Please, some insight into my pathetic self-what (abuse!) syndrome would be welcome

129. lori on August 4th, 2009 11:41 am

     I’ve been with this guy for almost two years, living with him for one of those years. In the last year he has been in detox 4 times and finally just checked into rehab. But he only went to rehab because i told him I was leaving. He is not abusive, only to himself. But the drinking is so bad we never do anything cause all he wants to do is drink and sleep. I don’t know if i can handle staying anymore, I also know if I leave while he is in rehab he will check out and get worse so what do i do

130. Susan on August 19th, 2009 1:16 am

     My turn to share. I’ve been married 15 years to a functional alcoholic (he has a good job, 6 figure salary0. My husband’s drinking is getting worse. Trouble is, I drink more too but not as bad as him. When I’m with him, I either ignore his drinking or join him. When I’m away from him, I can stop after 2 glasses of wine, or not have any. Last Dec. we were both drunk; I feel and broke my arm. Bad!

     My husband is an ignorer. It hurts to know he’d rather drink than spend time w/ me. He usually passes out on the floor every nite. I wish he’d want sex but he doesnt. I’m afraid to set out on my own at age 56.

131. C on August 20th, 2009 5:52 am

     Hello. I am writing a follow up from my first post that I had made on the 18th of January 2009. As difficult as it was, I had made the move and got out of the marriage. As soon as he was served the papers, he had already moved onto personals sites within a week and lives with a lady 15 years older he. With no intentions of seeking treatment, he is thus continuing the hellish cycle for someone else while he continues with the drink. Looking back on everything, it was apparent that disease and lack of love for himself will make it difficult for him to love anyone as the pull to the drink was far to powerful.
     While things are different and the house is quiet , I am glad I stuck with what I said I would do. For anyone who is capable and able to move on I highly encourage it.! You are too good of a person to have to deal with the lies, claims that create false hope, cheating and emotional abuse that comes with this!
     Sure, there are some things I miss but over all, it is a healthier environment and I am much better away from it. I can now focus on re building friendships with friends and family and begin the healing process for my self.
     C

132. Michelle on August 20th, 2009 11:45 pm

     So…. most of the blogs realate to me in so many ways! I’m married to a achol. as well for now 4yrs. nothing has changed but only has gotten worse… If u can think of it I’ve done it…Its so bad now that for the last 3 yrs when he sobers up he hits D-tox! He has full blown seziures, over and over till i can get him help with medical.. So yeah he sobers up for 2 days then hits its again for 3 days straight. Its so bad I have to leave my home and go knockin on my parents door late at nite just to go too bed! We r really young were both only 27. Once he tried to Kill he’s self I got the gun from him and shot off his finger.. Omg that has so done something too me and my life. He had to have that fixed so I told what happened and he hated me for that told me He was leaving me that I should have lied about it. He was sent to Rehab Which was a joke… He was done detoxin but that was all he need to be sent for some kind of after help…But he wasnt he was sober for 7 months and then relapsed.. I Care for him Not as a wife but as a close friend or something diff..I feel bad to think I want to walk out on him but I cant handle the drinking anymore! i’ve tried all the medical treatments for add… so now what walk away! How do I mental prepare myself for what might happen? How do I get out? Do I walk away and leave everything?

133. Teri on September 4th, 2009 9:45 pm

     Michelle you are so young honey save your self. I have been in this mess for 20 years. I know to well about the seizures rehabs the emotional roller coaster ride. Just recently he was back at the rehab and the day I decided to visit was what is called recharge Sunday. Former clients who were still clean came back to speak. Advise from them was to go and live your life. We didn’t make them addicts we can not fix them. However they will destroy us if we let them not that they want to. He just recently asked me if he was to much for me. Well at first I said no, hell after everything I had already been through, but when he came to visit I found myself tensing,hiding my car keys and money, wondering why he was making so many trips to the rest room etc. I should have gotten out in my 20’s. I believed in him and look where I am. Broke and riding the same roller coaster. I hope this helps u a little. Good luck dear.

134. Kelley on September 10th, 2009 10:04 pm

     Cynthia…your post could be mine. I too have found myself doing horrible things I didn’t want to do in a sick attempt to connect with my alcoholic husband. I finally left him on Monday after 6 years of identical circumstances. I still feel guilty and sorry for him though. I have to fight every day to not go back out of pity. I keep remembering the good times but i have to force myselft to remember that at the end of those good times he was usually trashed and calling me a whore…and peeing the bed. As I type he is texting me saying things I would love to believe, but I have been here before. I have never felt the resolve I feel this time though. I am done. This makes me deliriously happy and devastated all at the same time.

135. chilled on September 12th, 2009 7:16 pm

     I’ve never contributed to a blog before. I have been married 19 years from the age of 19 and NEVER Ever wanted to be a divorcee statistic. I love my husband completely but he loves alcohol more then me and I am so tired of being second best. We have three children, all teens, 1 now an adult and they have witnessed alcohol related incidents that no-one should be subjected to.
     I have threatened to leave a million times, sometimes even left, but always come back, because I love him.
     The last incident was two months ago and it involved our adult son, I thought that was his rock bottom but he has been secretly drinking and lying – I always thought he was brutally honest with me but I have now discovered that he can lie exceptionally convincingly, so how do I ever trust him again. I CAN’T do this anymore, It is over for me but I love him – how do I stop loving him, it hurts so much. I feel like a little girl as I type this heartbroken, yet I am almost 40 years old and feel as though the last 20 years of my life have been wasted. Don’t even know why I wrote this

136. Peggy Van Acker on September 20th, 2009 3:16 pm

     I am deeply confused and sad. I cannot beleive that al lmost all of the comments on here are to leave and save yourself..I have been looking for approval to do that. I have been in a abusive relationship, physical and mental for allmost 9 years..I threw him out 2 1/2 weeks ago..I am going thru unbeleivable pain right now..he is on his ninth dui over a 15 year period..he has to appear in court on September 23 for sentancing..the DA reccomends 9 months in jail and fines ,probation and rehab..it is devastating..I reported him last time because he hit the house with his truck, slapped me and broke my crystal glasses by smashing my windows in my kitchen..I have begged him so many times..he calls me a fucking bitch to my friends for him having to go to jail now..says it’s my fault..I know in my heart it is a matter of time before he kills someone..including me with his drunken rages and driving..his mother bailed him out last time..cost $12000.00 Yes we are broke..the legal fees have taken most of our money. After reading these stories..I feel like running not walking from him. Pray for me to not let him back..I need strength.

137. marie on September 26th, 2009 10:04 pm

     Hello to you all. I have been married to my alcoholic husband for 5 years. I am about at the end of my rope but i just dont know what to do. He brought me over here from a different country and i dont have any family except for his. His family is very supportive of me. I want him to leave the house but he wont because his name is on it too. But i feel like he owes me a roof above my head since he brought me in this country. I dont make a lot of money but i make enough to pay the mortgage and the bills by myself. He is unemployed and could not keep a job if he does have one…. I dont know if any of you can give me an advice about my situation. I really want to kick him out of the house. What should i do?

138. Dianna on October 5th, 2009 10:09 pm

     I can so relate to all of the comments.
     I am a recovering cancer patient and I have been married forever. My husband was a recovering acholic and did really well when I went through chemo. Now that I am going through radation treatments and I am eating and feeling better all hell is breaking lose. He is so drunk that he can’t function most of the time. I know a lot of this has to do with him not working (can’t keep a job).
     I am at my witts end! I don’t really want to leave him but at the same time I don’t want to keep going through this. I would really appericate any insight anyone can offer.

     Take care

139. BARBARA on October 12th, 2009 8:34 am

     Dianna, my heart goes out to you for two battles you are fighting. #1 your cancer, #2 living with an alcoholic. Both of these things can kill you. Your husband should be there to help you right now, and NOT be making things worse. Have you been to counseling? It has helped me tremendously. I can say this, if you have put out such a courageous battle against cancer, you are a very strong minded woman. Do not under-estimate yourself. Surround yourself with people that encourage you, not discourage you. Don’t feel sorry for him, this is his problem to solve. My husband has been sorber for 3 months now but only AFTER, I told him I wanted a divorce. This is not something you can bluff your way out of, you have to mean it and he has to hit rock bottom.

     You beautiful woman should spend your time and energy on recovery for yourself. Please put yourself first because he will not.

     Barbara

140. vanessa on November 9th, 2009 12:17 pm

     My husband is an alcoholic and admits it. We have been married almost 10 years now. We married when we were 18. We have a 5 year old beautiful daughter. He drank and started the physical abuse before we married. Everything is worse than before. He still drinks, he smokes marajuana and sells it, and snorts crushed up prescription pills. He truely has a problem.I have threatened many times to leave if he don’t change. He makes these promises and changes for a week and then goes back to his habits. His friends are constantly coming over and they hang out outside while me and my daughter wait for him to come in to spend time with us. He nevers takes me on dates or stuff to do for the family. I feel like he doesn’t wanna spend time with us like doing fun stuff. We are always being pushed second in his life. I might sound selfish but I feel that my daughter and I should come first. Im so tired of his broken promises. I just can’t take it anymore, but he cries to me saying that he needs me and he can’t live without us. He has threatened to kill himself many times if I left. I just can’t live with that if he ever went through with it. I feel that we are possessions to him. He says he loves us over and over yet he puts no effort into showing us how much he loves us. Words are only words. He is the only man I’ve ever been sexually with and he accusses me everytime someone talks to me. He even has made some comments about our daughter not being his. I don’t know what to do anymore. My heart is telling to move on but I’m so worried what it will do to my daughter, and worried about the house we are buying. I’m not sure if I can financially make it on my own. We have too many bills. I feel like he has this power over me and its his way everytime. Just last week we were fighting and I got mad and threw my ring at him. He got furious!! The look in his eyes was scary. He came at me with his fist in the air. I screamed and cowered into a ball and covered my head with my hands and arms. He didn’t touch me, thank GOD. I told myself that he nor any other man will ever make me feel like that or put their hands on me again. Through our 11 years together(dating 1 year-married 10 years) he has punched me, bit me , pulled my hair, pushed me down, tried to make me cut him with a knife, spit on my face, all several times. I don’t even know him. I don’t even like being around him anymore. I truely don’t even know if I even love him anymore. I’ve been hurt so many times. I don’t want this unhealthy realtionship with him, and I know the tension, yelling and fighting is not healthy for our daughter. I wanna leave but I just don’t know how. I try telling him how I feel but he turns it around on me. There is just no talking to him. He always criticizing instead of complementing. I know if have made my misktakes in the past like talking to another man. My husband found out and has never trusted me since. He constantly brings the other man up. I would talk to the other man on the phone and did no more than kiss. That was 3 years ago. I stayed to make this marriage work and to keep this family together but its not going anywhere. I just don’t know what to do….

141. Teri on November 10th, 2009 10:07 am

     Vanessa hon my heart goes out so much to you. I have raised two childern living with an alcoholic . It would be so much better for you and your child to leave now while she is stil young. I can tell you none of this is easy. I left when my third child was six. I can already see the difference between her and my oldest two. For both of your mental well being I strongly suggest living now. Honey God be with you.

142. Jen on December 1st, 2009 5:01 pm

     As I read all these comments about husbands and alcohol, I too can relate. Unfortunately, my husband and I have been married just OVER a year and have been together for more than 8 years on and off. I knew he drank when I married him, I didn’t know how out of control he would get later on in our marriage. After two weekends in a row of him not coming home, I asked him to go to marriage counseling. He wanted none of it. I asked him to apologize for his actions, he denied any wrong doing. I began going out to the bars with him, because I wanted to spend time with him and show affection, but not only did that backfire on me, it made matters worse. After a drunken night, and him degrading me, I decided it was best for a separation, and moved out. Now that I have been moved out two weeks, he won’t speak to me at all. He told his family (whom I’m close with) that I abandoned him and he only wanted a week of thinking things through. I know I can have an attitude, I know I can be a bitch, but after everything I put up with, I felt moving out was the best thing for me. Now, I feel if our marriage doesn’t work, it’s going to be all blamed on me. Any words of advice or encouragement would help. Or if anyone is in my similar situation, I would love to talk about it. I honestly want my marriage to work, but this Co-Dependent person I have become, I absolutely hate. I did what I had to do, to get strong, gain my confidence back and know I am worth it. I hate feeilng like I was in the wrong. Thanks for reading! God Bless!

143. Shelly on December 16th, 2009 8:32 am

     I just moved out this week and my heart hurts so bad. He is a nice drunk that is what makes this so hard. He has a child with CF and I have had her since she was 4 now she is 14. He will not llet me have her but I have a 12 year old that I had to get out. He never puts his hands on any of us but everyday he drinks at least a 12 pack. He tells me that I’m crazy that I.m going through the change. I started believing and relized that I wasn’t crazy I was just going bc of him. I so scared of what will happen to him and his daughter but I pray this wakes him up and he gets help!!!!!! Lost and scared in TN

144. Sandy on December 17th, 2009 7:58 am

     Wow… Crazy how so many of us go through the same type of life… To Jen, I can relate to the blame, the accusations of “abandon”, everything always relies on me. That’s just the immaturity going along with the alcoholism, and what makes it worst is that often his family will agree with him, and even encourage him to blame me… They even told him it was because of me that he was drinking!!! How sick is this? How can he be sane after growing up in that unhealthy environment? I walked away six months ago and until today had not made a decision to really end it. But all these posts are signs we can’t ignore. What also motivated me is that I know that staying won’t help HIM either. He has to hit bottom to be able to get up. Will he or won’t he, I can’t control… Time will tell. I wish him only the best, he is just a sick person who needs recovery… but unfortunately I can’t stay with a sick person who is not trying to heal himself, only makes me sick myself…

     To Marie, I would say even if he brought you in this country, that doesn’t mean you can’t be treated with respect. It shouldn’t be a factor, and I’m sure deep down inside you know this…. Care for yourself and remind yourself you are not doing him a favour either by staying and enabling him. And since you seem to have a job and make money, run while you can!! I am terrified and devastated, but I finally come to understand I have to do this, for myself… Think of what you would tell a best-friend who comes to you with this problem… and then apply it to yourself.

     Courage to all of us, recovery is a long road, but so rewarding…

145. Katie on January 17th, 2010 1:55 am

     I read the posting from Jen Dec 1 and it really spoke to me. My husband’s reputation preceeded our meeting, and I knew what I was getting into when we initiated a relationship. Two years later, we married during a brief 9 month period in which I was able to persuade my husband to quit drinking. Shortly after our wedding, he resumed his habits and, as is common with alcoholics, the problem has progressed over the susequent three years. I am angry with him for his lack of discipline, but I am also angry with myself for not advocating for myself and avoiding this whole relationship alltogether. I know that he is addicted to alcohol and that his choice to continure to drink is not personal – but it sure does affect me on a personal level.
     Be aware, that alcoholic’s can be very charming and wonderful people in their sober state – it’s very difficult to deny a person’s goodness and potential even when they are at their worst. I want to believe that most people – especially those with whom I am in love – are inately good and I foolishly allow myself to bask in the fantasy of the “good times” (past -present – future) even in the midst of dealing with a drunken tirade.
     Jen – you have done the right thing. I made that choice only 15 days ago, and I know that I have too. I have been confronted with third party recounts of the horrible things that my husband is telling other people about me (he’s drunk dialing them mind you) and how he is blaming me for our separation. I even have his mother at my heals offering to pray for me to be able to deepen my commitment and love for her son and find a way to honor my marriage vows.
     The thing is this – as brutal as this situation is to deal with…I am having to accept the real possibility that my husband will continue to choose alcohol, and that this relationship will end in a legal divorce. I also must accept that he cannot accept the blame – of course not – he’s in denial that he even has a problem; therefore, it must be me that has caused such discourse in our relationship for whatever my reason.
     I tried the rolling along to the bars and drinking along with him thing….I found that he was immune to hangovers and I was not….we also experienced terrible intoxicated arguments to which I could not be sure the next day that I did not initiate because I’d also been drinking. It just doesn’t work to try to join the alcoholic.
     I’m now assuring myself that I am exhibitting my most loving behavior ever by respecting my husband’s free will and leaving him to determine his own life changes. I want him so much and I miss the good things about him so much that it takes my breath away…but I just can’t live with a ticking time bomb (nor can my two children) any more. We can’t control our husband’s choices and, yes, we risk a complete loss of the relationship, but we’re obviously both at points where we cannot subject ourselves to any more of the drunken antics. I don’t worry, now that he’s moved out, if I am going to come home to the drunk and I go to bed at night knowing that I will not be awakened in the midst of my slumber with a verbal assault (because he’s been drinking alone once the family is asleep) of all of the ways that I have failed him and our relationship – those are just thinly veiled attempts at blaming his drunkenness on me. I cancelled our couple’s counseling – I believe that without our agreement with regard to abstainence from alcohol we have no basis to resolve other relational issues. The drinking really is the deal killer.
     I’m sorry you all are going through the pain caused by alcoholism. The good news is…my therapist tells me that it’s a mistake we rarely make twice.

146. Rachel on February 7th, 2010 7:04 pm

     I have been with my alcoholic partner for 4 years. We have one daughter who is three years old.

     I split with my partner when my daughter was 6 months old, and he moved out of the home and into his own flat. We got back together a few months later, although i have not let him move back in.

     I have dealt with his alcoholism by sending him home if he turns up drunk. He admits he had a problem but will not stick to any help he has been given.

     I am really at the end now, i have told him that unless he admits himself to re-hab we will split for good.

     The saddest thing is our daughter cherishes him and he does her when he is in his sober state. But i am so scared of the effect that his problems will have on her.

     I want to run away with her so that she cannot be hurt. I wish i had a magic button to press to make him better. He has never been violent and i totally believe that he loves us with all his heart, as we do him.
     Toady is Sunday and he has said today that he is going to the Doctors tomorrow – i dont belive him, Its so hard to leave someone who has two different personalities. A loving sober side and an uncaring selfish drunk side.

     I wish you all luck and im sorry that my story doesnt offer help or inspiration – it just offers my thoughts from my heart. I always follow my heart and it has gotten me nowhere. Im heartbroken if i stay or if go i lose the love of my life.

147. laura on May 5th, 2010 1:29 pm

     hi~
     i have posted on this blog several times and i am happy to say that i am finally officially divorced from my alcoholic husband. and, i have become engaged to the most wonderful, caring, loving man in the world. i am living proof that staying in an abusive relationship is not healthy and that things can change for you if you just remove yourself from the toxic lifestyle of being with an alcoholic. i never knew what it like to be loved because my ex husband loved alcohol more than me. i pray for each of you that you will make the best choice for you.
     laura

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